By entertainment correspondent, Frankie Fibonacci in Framlingham, Suffolk.
As reported a few days ago in another, bigger circulation newspaper, immigrant folk singer Ed Sheeran’s jealous neighbours are attempting to ruin his life by counting the number of times he selfishly flies his big, expensive private helicopter over their houses.
Annoyingly for Ed, who can just about drive a car, let alone fly a complex air vehicle which derives both lift and propulsion from horizontally revolving overhead rotors, the planning permission on his James Bond style ‘copter pad limits its use to only 28 flights a year – an arbitrary number picked out of a hat at the last minute by an under-pressure East Suffolk Council.
Motivated by pure envy, and in a bid to have his planning permission revoked, the popular wannabe-hip-hop artiste’s spiteful neighbours have been working in cahoots in recent weeks to catch privacy-obsessed Ed over-using his luxury ‘air taxi’ which is parked up on his private helipad located between his private swimming pool and his private football pitch at ‘Sheeranville’, his palatial, private £3.7 million Framlingham estate.
Everybody needs good neighbours:
A quick glance at the #framglinghamagainstsheerancopter Twitter feed reveals how unpopular mega-ginge, Sheeran’s flying penis substitute is becoming with locals.
One Twit complained:
“I’ve got nothing against Ed personally, but it’s the bloody noise! It’s a like a never-ending, monotonic drone that is simply impossible to listen to. You literally have to cover your ears… and that’s just the sound coming from his recording studio. Admittedly, when he starts the eggbeater up it’s not as bad but it’s still very disruptive to the dull, uneventful lifestyle the rest around here used to enjoy.”
With a little understanding:
Twit two whinged…
“If I want to go to the Framlingham sports club and play tennis, archery, badminton, hockey or croquet, or visit the traditional English market in the town square up on Market Hill.
Every Tuesday and Saturday morning to be offered fresh fruit and vegetables, artisan breads and cakes, fresh fish, coffee, cheese and pies, or peruse other occasional stalls, then I should be able to do it without fear of being decapitated by his monstrous flying whirligig, shouldn’t I?”
Orange straw hair:
On the ground back in Framlingham, another neighbour who when questioned by this reporter was busy fashioning what appeared to be a small voodoo-like doll with a mop of bright orange straw hair whined “I mean it’s not as if his music is any good is it? Everything is derivative of Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye or Bob Marley. I really don’t know how he gets away with it.” Carefully attaching the doll to a perfectly scaled silk parachute, she went on…” I suppose he might say he needs the whirlybird to get to and fro the high court quickly because of all the copyright infringement claims n’that but why us locals have to be dragged into it, I don’t know. Anyway, best you git gorn now.”
Ed’s flight tally is 24 and counting…