Suffolk firm seeks Witchfinder General for United States

By Phil Rowles

A Suffolk recruitment company is looking for a Witchfinder General to join Donald Trump’s new Presidential team in the United States.

The firm won a six-way international pitch thanks to East Anglia’s reputation for employing excellent Witchfinders over hundreds of years.

A spokesman for recruiters I Do Big Jobs, in Bury St Edmunds, said the Witchfinder role had changed over time, but the principle was the same.

“Nobody needs to find witches anymore – that would be silly. But there are modern-day equivalents that Mr Trump and his team want to unearth.

“Our brief is to find a skilled Witchfinder General to seek out Muslims, Mexicans and gay people.”

Witchfinder GeneralRuthless: Suffolk Witchfinder General Vincent Price
Asked what would happen to captured Muslims, Mexicans and gays under the new right-wing Trump administration, the spokesman explained their fate would not be as brutal as it was in medieval Britain.

“A few hundred years ago, witches in Britain were caught, tortured into confession and then burnt at the stake. If they were lucky they were dunked in the local river instead – if they drowned they were innocent, if they survived they were definitely a witch. Then they were burnt at the stake anyway.

“We are advised that this Witchfinder General role in the United States does not involve execution so it might not be suitable for some Suffolk applicants.

“Instead, those caught will simply be thrown out of America.”

The US Witchfinder General role comes with a decent $200,000 salary plus a performance-related bonus for every 10,000 people ejected from the country. There are also five weeks holiday and a company car. The position is for four years with the possibility of a four-year extension, although this is deemed unlikely.

Suffolk Witchfinder Vincent Price, from Lavenham, is an early applicant for the role. “It’s right up my street. I have not worked for a while and have never been to America, so why not?”

Dirty Old Goat

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