Tuesday, April 2, 2024

Suffolk Gazette hiring

The SUFFOLK GAZETTE is urgently hiring; writers, news reporters, and editors due to an unofficial strike by its staff.

The illegal strike which was not balloted in accordance with the WGGB union’s rules, has caused chaos at the Gazette, which is seeking to replace existing staff members at the earliest opportunity.

This reporter (who is part of a non-striking union) spoke to the editor-in-chief of the Gazette, Lorraine Fisher – 34 who told me “First of all, James, I want to thank you for coming in to work today. Your loyalty is much appreciated and in recognition of your tireless work on behalf of the Gazette, you should expect a hefty bonus in your next pay packet. Thank you, again. You are a star!”

You’re welcome!

Lorraine went on, “As for the rest of the rabble around here who laughably call themselves journalists, I have never come across such lazy, incompetent, unimaginative, and frankly, illiterate excuses for news people in my entire career. The sooner we get rid of them, the better.”

Dominic Grievances

I asked Lorraine, what were the striking staff’s grievances? “Having to work. That’s it. Ever since they read about whinging civil servants ejecting former Deputy Prime Minister and Justice Secretary, Dominic Raab from his post, their pigheadedness has reached a whole new level.

Just like the civil servants, they seem to think that work involves turning up when they want to – if at all – and then sitting or lying around, doing pretty much nothing all day except look at their phones and help themselves to free coffee.  I wouldn’t mind but half of them can’t write for toffee, and as far as their spelling is concerned, well, I may as well employ dyslexics from now on. In fact, I just have.”

You’ve got to sack a picket or two

Questioned on who the Gazette was looking to take on, Fisher replied, “Anyone, frankly. An illegal fresh of the boat? An escaped convict? An ex-member of Boyzone? They couldn’t be any worse than the simpletons on the picket line downstairs.”

Do you think you could write better than what the staff af the Suffolk Gazette can?

Send your CV to iwritegood@suffolkgazettejobs.suffolk.uk.com

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