Seagulls are meeting this week to decide how to wreak awful revenge on the nation for cutting off their supply of chips.
The violent birds are furious that chips have been missing from Britain since we all went into lockdown.
Now, they are meeting to plot revenge, including stealing small dogs from back gardens, swooping on men’s testicles and pooping on our cars.
A secret meeting is being held on Felixstowe beach on Friday to plan retribution for what seagulls claim is criminal negligence.
Seagull leader Steve Walshe, three, said: “If people think they can stop wandering around with chips for us to steal, they are more stupid than they look.
“We rule the country, we’re in charge of the beaches, they are OUR chips.
“We meet on Friday, and you will begin seeing the results of our terrifying revenge missions this weekend.
“Without giving too much away, you might want to lock up your small pets and don’t go sunbathing in the garden.
“It’s not too late to prevent all this – simply place 25 tonnes of chips in an unmarked bag on Aldeburgh beach before Thursday, midnight.
“Come alone and make sure you’re not followed.”
Chip shop owner Lorraine Fisher, 34, has had to close her business during the coronavirus lockdown.
She said: “The seagulls are furious. They’ve been banging on my door and leaving deathly messages on my phone.
“I won’t give in, though.”
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