Tuesday, April 2, 2024

London Bus Strike: Drivers told ‘Slow Down or Face Sack’

London Bus Strike
London Bus Strike: Drivers told ‘Slow Down or Face Sack’

London Bus Strike ahead after speeding London bus drivers have been warned by bosses at Transport For London to slow down after a raft of passenger complaints and some near catastrophic high-speed collisions occurred in central London.

Drab 1970s Britain

Bus drivers, who are known mainly for being disobliging and mumbling and grumbling behind their red bus riot shields, have recently become like the Lewis Hamiltons of public transport.

Once upon a time, all bus drivers, were like Stan & Jack from the 1970s hit bus-themed smutfest ‘On The Buses’. Good old-fashioned, tit-ogling, arse-pinching drivers who could always be relied upon to pootle along at their own pace.

Speeding up only to nonchalantly pass-by masses of late-for-work commuters queuing hopelessly at numerous ignored bus stops along the roads and high streets of drab, unemployed seventies Britain.

Pepsi For Breakfast causes London Bus Strike

Today’s breed of bus driver is a much slicker, leaner, meaner, high-speed cruising machine. He or she (or they) probably dress at Top Man or Top Shop, holiday on the Isle of Wight, and drink Pepsi for breakfast.

It is this enviable ‘couldn’t-give-a-toss’ lifestyle that makes them fearless behind the wheel of a 12.45 tonne, 11.23m London Routemaster – a beast of a machine that you definitely do not want to get your foot driven over in or have your lower leg caught in the doors of, which caused London Bus Strike.

Omnibus Grand Prix

Unfortunately, using Oxford Street, W1 and the surrounding area as an omnibus Grand Prix circuit is not in line with TFL’s delivery and service guarantee.

Despite this, and according to one anonymous ‘race bus driver’ who spoke to the Gazette,  the threat of disciplinary action or even the sack won’t stop the hardcore ‘bus map racers’ within the TFL fleet.

“Nah man. It ain’t gonna stop ‘em, y’know. They’re hooked. If you ever tonned it down Park Lane and went on two wheels around Marble Arch you would be too. It’s like an addiction, maan”. The trembling driver took another puff on his Pall Mall cigarette and went on ”I know some drivers who have started ‘double-routing’.

It’s like the bus drivers’ equivalent of freebasing cocaine. What they do is drive their route, speeding between consecutive stops twice. If you arrive on time, the high is meant to be unbelievable.”

Magical Mystery Tour

After London Bus Strike fears we’ve asked to explain further, the sweating driver became agitated, scratching a perpetual itch on the back of his neck – but went on “So for example, on the 159.

Instead of driving from Piccadilly Circus to Trafalgar Square in four minutes, you go to Trafalgar, slam a ‘U’-ey, start back to Piccadilly, a couple of times ‘round Eros and then BACK AGAIN to the square in the SAME TIME.

It’s f*king crazy man. The passengers are like socks in a tumble dryer. Soon, someone is gonna get squashed. Lots of pigeons already have been.”

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