King of the gulls, Seagull 73 Bird, Lowestoft’s most famous winged inhabitant, has been spotted ‘killing two birds with one stone’.
The infamous gull – known for his bravery, daring, and mesmerizing aerobatic prowess – has not turned to fratricide (W.C. ‘the murder of one’s own brother or sister’), but rather, taken to nabbing tasty pickings and keeping Britain tidy at the same time!
Pie in the sky
Inspired by the tidy-up campaign of the local McDonald’s restaurant, the legendary gull has made its car park his primary hunting ground for scraps of burger, fries, nuggets or apple pies. ’73 – who legend has it once pecked out the eyes of an Alsatian dog who was harassing his mother – is known for doing things his way, in style.
Keep up the good work, No 73!
Witnesses say that when the do-gooding gull has finished devouring food found in the outside eating area and car park. Seagull 73 Bird conscientiously disposes of the paper bags and food wrappers in the bin. It is reported that he has even been seen returning plastic trays to the restaurant.
Tourists from London can only visit Suffolk for twelve hours max.
Londoners… fancy a day out with the family (or mistress, if you’re married) in sunny Suffolk? How about a lovely afternoon flying a kite with the kids in an idyllic rural setting, such as a field or a reedy river bank? Sounds delightful doesn’t it?
Well, forget it. You’re not welcome.
That’s right, the inhospitable people of Suffolk have voted to exclude.all Londoners from visiting Suffolk unless they agree to ‘piss off back to London’ within twelve hours of their arrival.
Eurovision wrong contest
The referendum – on excluding the more intelligent, fashionable,.and better-groomed tourists from the big smoke.– took place in over four-hundred pubs across the county on the same night.as the Eurovision Song Contest which, along with the referendum broadcast hosted by the handsome.and intellectual TV current affairs supremo, Jeremy Paxman, was simultaneously being streamed into pubs.
Witnesses who attended the ‘Keep Civilized People Out’ referendum,.say there was some early confusion about whether the votes being counted by the pub staff were for the referendum or the song contest, but voters were later reassured by a tweet from Jeremy Paxman that the votes were indeed for the referendum.
A summary of the referendum result, based on the question “Which race of civilized people do you want to allow into Suffolk” is as follows…
1 Sweden ‘Tattoo’ by Loreen (583 points)
…
25 United Kingdom: ‘I Wrote A Song’ Mae Muller (24 points)
26 Germany: ‘Blood & Glitter’ Lord Of The Lost (18 points)
After the results from all four-hundred-odd pubs were compiled,.the UK was running second to last, one point ahead of Germany. However, because we’re not allowed to say anything bad about the Germans anymore, they were removed from the results board entirely, leaving the UK as the most hated race of people across Suffolk, and continental Europe in general. In the context of the referendum question, which cited ‘civilized people’, the UK was taken to mean ‘people from London’.
As the result of the referendum was announced across Suffolk, cheers could be heard up and down the county, as gangs of Suffolk nationalists were seen burning effigies of the Mayor of London, black taxi drivers, red buses, and the ULEZ.
Eurovision wrong contest contested
It was only later, after a statement was released by one of Jeremy Paxman’s doctors,.that it became clear that the referendum result was being contested. According to Dr James Kildare, Paxman’s earlier tweet, which confirmed the validity of the vote,.was incorrect, and was made during a particularly violent Parkinson’s-induced hand tremor which caused him to type ‘Referendum’ instead of ‘Eurovision’. A subsequent recount of the votes concluded that the people voters actually wanted to be excluded from Suffolk were people from neighbouring Norfolk.
London tourists are not welcome
The twelve-hour limit on London tourists’ visits begins at midnight on Thursday.
Suffolk scientists have proved that paying a tenner for a Colgate toothpaste is just stupidity as people are just hypnotised by Colgate.
Aaaah, Colgate. The number one, most successful toothpaste brand in the universe – ever! We love it as much now as adults, as we did when we were forced to use it as kids. Who can forget those bi-weekly mouthfuls of the sweet, foaming gloop that kept our rancid, youthful gobs minty fresh? Colgate’s popularity is in fact, so widespread, that it is the only product in the world used by more than half of all households.
Amazing… considering it doesn’t work.
Yes! Despite it’s 67.7% global market share, Colgate toothpaste is as effective at whitening teeth in a lasting way as… dog shit.
Think about it…
If it actually worked, everyone’s teeth would be white by now? I alone have been using it since the 1970’s (sometimes sucking it directly from the tube as a treat) and the colour of my teeth more closely resembles a well-aged Dijon mustard than a shimmering pearl necklace.
And that’s not all. If it really did work, why are there FIFTY-ONE different varieties of toothpaste products advertised on its website? Surely one would be enough?
What is wrong with us?
Listen to this description of its latest utterly ineffective offering…
“Max White Ultra – Start every day with a dazzling white smile thanks to Colgate® Max White Ultimate toothpaste is the 1st enzyme boosted whitening toothpaste with a professional whitening ingredient. Our most effective whitening toothpaste that reverses up to 15 years of discolouration.”
OK. So its ‘max white’ is it? ‘max’? Short for ‘maximum’? So there won’t be any more different varieties coming out then? Ever? That’s it, is it? Not a new ‘DOUBLE maximum white’ in a few months’ time? We’ve achieved maximum whiteness of our teeth, have we? Ok. Thanks, then, Colgate. Thanks for all you’ve done. You can go now.
If only it were true. But it’s not… it’s bollocks, and we all know it. We’re just pretending. It’s like we’ve all been hypnotised by Colgate.
Try this…
Next time you brush your teeth (say, a week on Tuesday) actually look at your teeth afterward. White, grey, or yellow? If it’s not white, then there’s you’re proof.
If that doesn’t convince you, here’s what Colgate itself says you should do if you really want white teeth… and no, it’s not use their toothpaste…
NHS urged Irish people living in Britain to donate blood.
By Phil Ward, Health Correspondent
’Irish blood, English heart, this I’m made of.’ So sang pop singer, Morrissey in his 2004 song of similar name. Now, after a plea by the NHS for more Irish blood donors, all Brits may soon be singing from the same hymn sheet.
As well as having a slightly greenish hue, Irish blood is a greater source of O+ , B+ and A- blood types than British blood as a whole. In order to reach as many potential Irish donors as possible, the NHS states on it’s website, in traditional Gaelic, “Nigh listen ‘ear al’ yer Oirish livin’ here on de Sasanach mainlan’. We oirgently nade yisser blud ter save de loives av Sasanach people, to be sure. If yer visit yisser local ‘ospital at de earliest opportunity an’ troi not ter pop into de battle cruiser on de way, dad’t be grand. Tanks-a-million, NHS Britain.”
Guinness not particularly high in iron
Despite some concerns that the whiskey content of Irish blood might make it unusable or dangerous to the generally less inebriated people of mainland Britain, the NHS is prepared to take the risk. Others say that the equally high content of Guinness in Irish blood, with its 0.3mg of iron per pint, makes it even more desirable.
To find out more, we spoke to a patient who had recently received a transfusion of Irish blood at West Suffolk Hospital after slicing off her finger opening a tin of Chicken KiteKat cat food (100g £0.85 appyshop.co.uk/). Through gritted teeth, bleary-eyed Englishwoman, Janice Belfield told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, “OoooW! It bloody hurts, hic! Was I skeptical about having, hic! Irish blood? Hmmm. Well, you listen to me, hic! We’ve all heard the jokes and, hic! It does make you wonder if it’s going to affect your intelligence OKAY, but they are just jokes, right? Hic!”
Waiting in vein
Mrs Bellfield, who had had to wait twelve hours for her transfusion, seemed a little worse for wear after her experience, stumbling around and singing rebel freedom songs. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the shock of her injury or the alcohol content of the blood transfusion, so I asked her if she was feeling OK. “Feck off! In Tyrone, Armagh, an’ Derry, Fermanagh an’ from down, de norn gale is risin’ ter brin’ down de crown, hic! Once more de auld war cry, an’ de blud runnin’ hoi, we’ll scrap ter free Oirlan’, for today we may doi, hic! De day av de slaver ‘ill no longer be, if Gaels stan’ unoited, they’ll alwus be free! Oirlan’ unoited, Gaelic an’ free, lan’ av me birth, in freedom we’ll be!
European lotteries have become a favorite pastime for people all over the world, including India. These lotteries offer a chance to win big jackpots and exciting prizes. The Euro Millions Lottery is one of the most popular and prestigious lotteries in Europe. It’s known for its massive jackpots and thrilling gameplay. With its introduction in India, Indian players can now experience the excitement and opportunities that the Euro Millions Lottery brings. This article will provide a step-by-step guide on how to play european lottery online. We will also share tips and strategies to enhance your chances of winning.
Understanding European Lotteries
European lotteries have been around for a long time and have played an important role in society. They are games where people buy tickets and hope to win prizes in a random draw. In Europe, there are many different lotteries to choose from. One well-known lottery is called Euro Millions, which is played in multiple countries and offers huge jackpots. Each European country also has its own national lottery with its own rules and prizes. Some lotteries involve picking numbers, while others require guessing outcomes or finding hidden symbols. European lotteries offer a variety of games to suit different preferences. By learning about these lotteries, players can explore a world of possibilities and exciting games to play.
Euro Millions: The Flagship European Lottery
Euro Millions is one of the most famous European lotteries, loved by players from many countries. It was started in 2004 with the goal of creating a lottery that brings together people from different nations and offers huge prizes. To play Euro Millions, you need to pick five numbers between 1 and 50, and two additional numbers called Lucky Stars between 1 and 12. The draw happens once a week, and people wait anxiously to see if they’ve won. Euro Millions is known for its gigantic jackpots, sometimes reaching hundreds of millions of euros. It’s a lottery that captures people’s imaginations and makes them dream big. Not only does Euro Millions have the main jackpot, but it also has other prizes for matching different numbers.
Other Noteworthy European Lotteries
Apart from Euro Millions, there are other European lotteries that are worth mentioning because they offer unique gameplay and exciting prizes. One of them is Euro Jackpot, which has become popular across Europe. In Euro Jackpot, players choose five numbers between 1 and 50 and two Euro numbers between 1 and 10. It has a great prize structure and favorable odds, making it a thrilling lottery to play. Another notable lottery is SuperEnalotto, which comes from Italy. SuperEnalotto is known for its huge jackpots. To play, participants select six numbers from 1 to 90. The jackpots can grow to incredible amounts, and the excitement builds with each rollover. Lastly, there’s La Primitiva, which is from Spain. To play La Primitiva, players choose six numbers between 1 and 49, along with a Reintegro number. It offers various prize categories and regular draws, making it an exciting lottery option.
Tips and Strategies for Maximizing Your Chances
If you want to increase your chances of winning European lotteries, there are some practical tips and strategies to keep in mind. One important tip is to consider different number selection techniques. While lottery draws are random, some players believe in choosing numbers based on special dates like birthdays, lucky numbers, or patterns they notice. Another helpful strategy is frequency analysis, which involves looking at numbers that have appeared more often in previous draws. It’s also important to play responsibly by setting a budget for buying tickets and sticking to it. Remember, playing the lottery is meant to be fun, and it’s important to only spend what you can afford. It’s also essential to manage your expectations and understand that winning is never guaranteed.
Final Thoughts
Playing European lotteries is an exciting adventure that brings joy, anticipation, and the possibility of life-changing experiences. The huge jackpots and unique games make European lotteries incredibly thrilling. Participating in these lotteries can fill your heart with hope and excitement. So, enjoy the thrill, play responsibly, and dream big as you explore the world of European lotteries. You never know, the next draw could be the moment that changes your life forever.
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Suffolk supermarket, Singhsbury’s, owned and managed by local trader, Barry Singh (45) is in the news again following a controversial ‘not special offer’ it made on Unilever’s ‘Pot Noodle Champion Chicken Lost The Pot Noodle’.
‘Lost The Pot’ (which is intended as a pun on ‘lost the plot’ i.e. Unilever has gone bonkers) Pot Noodles are basically Pot Noodles – without the pot. Considering the whole purpose and appeal of Pot Noodle is that you can have a quick, unhealthy snack (‘super tasty’, ‘heav-hen-ly delicious’ – according to the official blurb), without the need to do the dishes afterwards, it is possible that Unilever has indeed ‘lost the pot.’
Product does not contain peas
With the new noodle product (‘A quick, filling and tasty noodle dish ready in just 5 minutes—ahhh, peas and quiet’ – according to the official blurb) leaving consumers cold, no wonder supermarketeer, Singh is offering the starchy, dehydrated, pea-less noodles for the new knockdown, special offer price of 50p, a reduction of 0p on its former price of… 50p. Yes, that’s right, the special offer discount on all Lost The Pot products at Singhsbury’s is… nothing.
This reporter asked Mr Singh what he was playing at.
“First of all, we are not called Singhsbury’s anymore. We haven’t been called Singhsbury’s since 2017. We are called Morrisinghs. Look… it says it outside.”
“Yes, OK, but what about the not-very-special offer on the unpotted noodles?”
“But do you promise you will get the shop name right in the article?”
“Yes.”
“Promise?”
“Yes, yes, promise. Now… the shit offer?”
“The way I see it… it is a reiteration.”
“A reiteration?”
“Yes. A reiteration of the previous special offer. If it was special before – which it was – most of the big superstores do these shitty noodles for 60 or 70p, then the price of 50p is still special now, right? What is not special about it now, that was special about it before. Eh? You tell me.”
A disgruntled bouncer working at a Wetherspoons pub planted a fake bomb to make himself look like a hero.
Nellis Oliphant – ‘Nellie the elephant’ to his friends, built the fake explosive device out of an empty box of Weetabix, horse manure, some dried-up plasticine, and an old wind-up alarm clock that hadn’t told the correct time since 1984.
Bi-polar bear
Oliphant, 28 from Ipswich, worked at the popular Cricketers pub in Crown Street Ipswich as a bouncer (fake hero) on Friday and Saturday nights. Colleagues say he was a quiet, friendly ‘bear’ of a man apart from when he descended into violent rages at the most insignificant transgression that might occur in the pub – such as a diner dropping a pea on the carpet, or a punter not placing his glass at the epicenter of a beer mat.
Bouncer in the court
Representing the crown, barrister John William Fisher Beaumont III told those gathered at Ipswich crown court that ‘Nutty Nellie’ allegedly placed the hoax bomb inside a toilet bowl in the gents’ toilets while he pretended to relieve himself at about 9 pm last Friday night. According to Beaumont III, Oliphant had intended to return to the lav later that evening and pretend to ‘discover’ the bomb – albeit fake – and thus be considered a hero, hoping to gain from associated benefits such as a possible pay rise, his photo in the local paper (he got than anyway) and guaranteed popularity with the local fat slags from the pub.
Unfortunately for him, the manic-depressive doorman’s plan went to shit when he returned to the gents’ toilet later that evening. By pure chance, the device that he had manufactured at home the previous weekend was actually a functioning explosive device. The mix of horse shit and plasticine was a bomb-making recipe widely used by the Liliputian Freedom Army (LFA) during the 1970s when it carried a series of attacks on the British mainland in the cause of equal rights for tiny people.
Singed bollocks
In court, Oliphant admitted that he had momentarily sat down on the toilet to ready himself for the final stage of his ruse, when the device exploded violently up his arse. In the chaos which followed, Oliphant was dragged out of the gents’ toilet and stretched out on the floor of the pub where colleagues attempted to extinguish the pubic inferno that had engulfed his arse crack and ball bags. Nellis was subsequently arrested when it was discovered that the horse manure used in the bomb was the same variety used at the stables his mum mucked out every other Monday and Wednesday.
