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Deformed porn star wants it both ways

The Editor
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Deformed porn star wants it both ways
Deformed porn star wants it both ways

A strange sex-witch (Deformed porn star) with two vaginas (‘fannys’) has told the world’s press that she uses one of them for porn, and the other for her husband, which poses the question – what does she use to piss out of?

Aussie deformed porn star, Brianna Paradise – ‘doublesnatch’ to her friends – first discovered her second fanny when she hit puberty at thirteen. “I’d just stuck a tampon up my mut, but it was all a bit uncomfortable because I’d just started using them, so I reached up there to adjust it a bit, but it was gone! ‘’Struth!’ I thought, ‘Where the hell has that gone?’ I thought to meself.”

In actual fact, her tampon had not disappeared but was snuggly inserted into fanny #1.

Having two vaginas has a clinical name which is something like ‘uterus didypylidas’ but I don’t think that is the correct spelling. Women with the condition usually have two uteruses and two sets of ovaries, which doesn’t do anything to help keep the weight down, but does make it easier to conceive twins – one would assume?

Double-sided map of Tasmania

Paradise’s claim that she saves one of her Mappa Tassies exclusively for her husband is somewhat undermined by one of her ‘Only Fans’ videos which some of the lads back at the SUFFOLK GAZETTE office watched (for research purposes only) in which she appears to take three big cocks simultaneously, and none of them are in her mouth. You work it out.

Doublesnatch is currently earning about $AU1,500 a week from her porno ‘Only Fans’ website, and that’s on top of her income from her successful ‘Doubleknicker’ website which sells sexy lingerie and sex toys for women with two fannys, and men with two cocks (is that even a thing?)

For those readers wondering if Ms. Paradise’s fannys are positioned one behind the other or side to side, we recommend visiting her website where everything is revealed in minute detail – according to the lads in the office that is.

Scientists invent new plant-based version of mashed potatoes

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Scientists invent new plant-based version of mashed potatoes
Scientists invent new plant-based version of mashed potatoes

Clever scientists from Suffolk have invented a new dish made from potatoes called, ‘mashed potatoes’.

The new plant-based dish is being trialled in selected branches of UK supermarket chain, ASDA and is unlike anything ever seen before on British soil, apart from… wait for it… potatoes.

The potato, or ‘spud’ as it is known in some parts of the UK, is a starchy, root vegetable native to the Americas, a tuber of the plant Solanum tuberosum and is commonly used in another lesser-known British delicacy known as ‘chips’.

Do you love me, now that I can mash?

Not to be confused with the trendy dance ‘the mashed potato’ which was immortalized in the hit ‘Do You Love Me?’ released by The Contours in 1962, the real ‘mashed potato’ is a ground-breaking new dish invented by the boffins at Eurofish Food Testing UK Ltd, a testing laboratory based in Needham Market, Suffolk. Consisting of potatoes that have been mashed with a potato masher – a handheld device that is a bit like a knife but with a flat, circular end with holes in – the dish is said to have a taste something akin to – potatoes.

Only having been previously tried by pretty much the entire population of Britain, the unusual dish is said to be quite versatile – for a dish made entirely of potatoes, that is. With the addition of a pinch of salt, a sprinkling of turmeric, and a knob of butter, a tasty side can be created that is the perfect accompaniment for sausages, roast dinners, and… err… well, sausages and roast dinners.

The Devil’s in the detail

The allegedly tasty new recipe has, according to the laboratory’s press release, other applications beyond pure culinary use. Apparently, due to its Play-Doh-like consistency, ‘mashed potatoes’ are the perfect substance for anyone needing to quickly create a scale model of a UFO landing site – in the style of, for example, Richard Dreyfuss’s Devil’s Tower sculpture, which was featured in the 1977 science fiction movie, Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Suffolk Police do it doggie style

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Suffolk Police do it doggie style
Suffolk Police do it doggie style

Cutbacks were today blamed for Suffolk Police recruiting S&M fetishists into their K9 response unit.

Dubbed ‘the gimp squad’, the new leather-clad recruits were hired.after they responded to an ad placed in ‘Leather Love’ adult magazine by Conservative Police and Crime Commissioner Tom Pissmore.

Pig lover Pissmore, 67, who, for the past 80 years has been an intensive livestock producer and expert on pig breeding, is himself a sado masochist, despite the fact that he pretends to live as a normal, happily married Tory with his wife Angela and their three boys in west Suffolk.

Volunteer perverts

Pissmore, who is particularly fond of shiny vulcanized latex, is believed to be behind the cutbacks which forced the recruitment of volunteer perverts into the K9 unit.

An investigation by the SUFFOLK GAZETTE revealed that due to war, famine, Brexit, postal strikes, rail strikes, nurses strikes, sunny weather, the endangered status of the Javan Rhinocerous, institutional racism at the Theatre Royal Stratford East, and the never-ending, ever-upward-spiralling cost-of-dog food crisis, Pissmore decided to open up the HR drive to his mates in the local S&M community who agreed to do it for free.

Let off the leash

Reverend Glynis Galbraith, 57, a clergyman from Tuddenham who agreed to talk to us on condition of anonymity, told this reporter “Woof! I do it because I like being treated like a dog, ruff.

Part of my job is chasing baddies, woof. I do a lot of sniffing to help me find them. I sniff everywhere, bark! Bark! I don’t mind sniffing in the gutter, through rubbish bins, or up humans’ arses, grrrrr. I’ll sniff whatever it takes to uphold the law, ruff!”

We asked Mr Pissmore for an interview but his secretary said it wouldn’t be possible as he was currently hand-cuffed to his desk wearing a hooded bondage mask with a ball gag down his throat.

Are you part of the Ipswich BDSM community? Do you have any compromising photographs of Police and Crime Commissioner Tom Pissmore?

Send them to pissmorepissedonme@suffolkgazette.dirtybastard.com.co.uk

Record temperatures melt Brits’ bits

The Editor
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Record temperatures melt Brits’ bits
Record temperatures melt Brits’ bits

So-called ‘record’ temperatures (measurements of heat that may or may not actually be hotter than previous measurements) have been melting the ‘bits of Brits’ up and down the country – with no end in sight!

Recent scorching temperatures (which are likely to end this coming weekend) have been reaching heights not seen since the last time temperature records were broken – in the 1970’s or 2010’s or whenever.

Double Cremation

In Lowestoft last weekend, a new ‘record’ temperature of 40.3 °C (104.5 °F) was recorded inside a telephone box on the promenade. Reportedly, the handle on the door was so hot, an elderly lady’s hand spontaneously combusted as she attempted to use the phone box to call her sister, Hilda in Bognor Regis, to remind her to feed the cats before she left for her Dignitas appointment.

Despite a plethora of weather forecasts and hundreds of years of precedent of Brits suffering sunburn, thousands of Brits suffered sunburn as the unyielding heat beat down on their pasty-white skin. Experts commented that to avoid self-immolation by autocremation (W.C. ‘setting oneself on fire’), one simply has to rub a substance called ‘suntan lotion’ into one’s skin before exposing it to prolonged ultraviolet light.

99.9 Fahrenheit degrees

As temperatures soared across the region, an ice cream van fell victim to the sun’s dazzling rays as it melted into the sand at Great Yarmouth. Some local feral children were rushed to hospital when it was discovered that the ‘free ice cream’ they had helped themselves to was mixed with toxic plastic and rubber from the van’s melted body moulding and Michelin tyres.

Wet Fish

Sir Michael Fish, weatherman father of John Kettley the weatherman, told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, “That’s it. You’ve had your sun for this year. It’s over.”

Forecasting a changeable outlook for next week, Fish added “New records being set next week cannot be ruled out, but this time it is more likely to be for rainfall. And I’m not ruling out a hurricane, either.”

W.C. = Working Class

The Benefits of Regular Health Check-ups: Early Detection and Prevention of Illnesses

The Editor
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The Benefits of Regular Health Check-ups: Early Detection and Prevention of Illnesses
The Benefits of Regular Health Check-ups

With such busy schedules, it is easy to neglect our health. However, frequent medical exams are crucial to staying in excellent health. These examinations can save lives by enabling early sickness detection and prevention. This article will examine the many advantages of routine health examinations and how they can enhance your general well-being.

The early detection of problems

Health-wise, prevention is always preferable to treatment. Regular physicals are essential for identifying any potential health problems in the earlier stages. You stand a better chance of efficiently treating issues if you spot them early on. Regular check-ups provide doctors with the chance to examine you thoroughly, consider your medical history, and run the appropriate tests to find any underlying disorders. The chance of problems and the likelihood of effective treatment are both increased with the early discovery of health conditions. Never forget that keeping yourself healthy is a lifelong process, and anytimedoctor.co.uk is here to support you every step of the way. Make an appointment for your routine health examination today and invest in a healthy future. They offer a streamlined and accessible approach to healthcare for those seeking remote medical assistance.

Building a stable foundation for your health

Regular health examinations emphasise prevention in addition to early detection. Prevention is crucial. Medical specialists can examine your general health, recommend lifestyle changes, and recommend preventive measures customised to your needs during your check-up. Addressing risk factors and making adjustments like eating a balanced diet, exercising regularly, and managing stress can greatly reduce your risk of chronic diseases. The key to preserving top health and well-being is prevention.

Assessments that cover every aspect of your health

One of the numerous advantages of regular health exams is that they provide a full assessment of your general health. Doctors can evaluate your blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar levels, lung function, and other aspects of your health. These evaluations give medical practitioners the ability to spot any anomalies or prospective risk factors that might call for additional research or treatment. Therefore, regular check-ups guarantee that no part of your health is overlooked by using a comprehensive approach to care.

Tailored solutions

Every person is different, and as a result, so are their healthcare requirements. Regular health examinations provide individualised healthcare options based on your unique needs. A solid doctor-patient interaction will enable your healthcare professional to comprehend your medical history, answer any worries you may have, and provide guidance specific to your situation. You may actively manage your health and make decisions that advance general well-being with the aid of routine check-ups.

The establishment of trust serves as the bedrock of a healthy doctor-patient relationship

A regular physical exam not only makes it easier for you to monitor your health but also improves the rapport you have with your doctor. When you consistently see the same doctor, they get to know your medical background, preferences, and worries. You and your doctor will find it simpler to communicate and understand one another due to this familiarity. You might get better care and feel more comfortable discussing any health problems if you have a solid relationship and grow to trust your doctor.

Conclusion

Routine physicals are necessary for preserving excellent health and well-being. They supply individualised healthcare solutions, encourage prevention, conduct thorough evaluations, and provide early diagnosis of ailments. Regular check-ups help develop a solid doctor-patient relationship that promotes trust and guarantees you get the best possible treatment. Furthermore, these check-ups serve as an opportunity for patients to discuss their concerns, ask questions, and receive valuable medical advice and guidance from their healthcare providers, fostering a holistic approach to healthcare.

Is 2023 the year for a car upgrade?

The Editor
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Is 2023 the year for a car upgrade?
Is 2023 the year for a car upgrade?

Let’s face it, things haven’t been entirely plain sailing as far as the UK economy and car market are concerned over the last few years. With all that in mind, would this be a totally mad time to commit to a new car? Or is now as good a time as any for you to upgrade and treat yourself to something new?

Whether you are considering a new car, or seeing what used cars are in your budget and fit your needs then these are the factors you need to bear in mind.

Car prices are on the up

It’s not just housing, the contents of your supermarket shopping basket and pints of beer that are on the rise – the average price of a new car has been steadily heading northwards. As a general guide, the ever-popular Ford Fiesta rose by around £5,000 in three years and the family-favourite Nissan Qashqai went up by more than £6,000 over the same period.

There are several reasons for this, and it isn’t just manufacturers deciding to charge a bit more for their cars.

Inflation in the UK has been on the rise in general, which has its own impact on the car market. The exchange rate means that buying vehicles from abroad is more expensive, while the increased interest rates mean that borrowing money will cost more too.

New car supply still tight

The war in Ukraine, the knock-on impacts of the global pandemic and even fires at factories. All these are reasons behind a real tightening in the supply of new cars over the last few years. It’s not that people didn’t want to buy cars, there simply weren’t as many available, with registrations down by notable amounts compared to the pre-pandemic period.

Things are thankfully on the up, with supply constraints starting to ease as 2023 progresses. Sales are up year-on-year for at least nine months in a row, although they haven’t reached 2019 levels yet.

Fewer used cars around

Remember the early days of the pandemic when almost everything shut down? In those months barely any cars were sold, and those that were went out to key workers and little else. It took a few months for car dealers to reopen and longer still for new-car sales to recover.

The impact of this is still ongoing, as this means that anyone wanting a three-year-old car won’t have the same options available to them compared to a few years ago. As there were no new cars sold in that period, the two- to four-year-old cars that those new cars would have replaced never headed into the used-car market either.

There were also MOT extensions granted during the pandemic, so some cars didn’t get their annual check-ups at the originally planned time. Thankfully this seems not to have had a big impact on pass rates – the fact that lots more people started working at home and drastically reduced their mileage and therefore the demand for their cars.

When is the best time to buy a new car in 2023?

If you are committed to buying a car this year, then when is the best time to do so? The increase in new car sales suggests that things are moving in the right general direction, but it might still be better to wait until later in the year if you aren’t in a desperate need to switch as supply continues to ease. As things stand, prices are still strong and finance deals will be costly too.

‘Wheelie Bin’ sex pest terrorises Lowestoft

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‘Wheelie Bin’ sex pest terrorises Lowestoft
‘Wheelie Bin’ sex pest terrorises Lowestoft

The ‘Wheelie Bin’ sex pest, terrorising Lowestoft has struck again. This time, attacking an innocent bin ‘round the back of the Spicy Fried Chicken Shop in the High Street.

Luckily, the serial offender, who is believed to be behind several attacks.on the bin community over recent weeks, was caught on camera committing the assault.

Police say that the suspect is a blue wheelie bin, approximately 18 years old, with a distinctive white and black label stuck to its lid.

Witness ‘talking rubbish’

One member of the bin community who did not wish to be identified,.itself a victim of the attacker, told this reporter, “Trash talk, trash talk, trash talk. Trash talk, trash talk, trash talk. Trash talk, trash talk, trash talk. Yada, yada, yada. Blah, blah, blah.”

Asked whether they thought Police were doing enough to protect wheelie bins in the neighbourhood, the victim, who survived the Wheelie Bin sex pest’s assault by repeatedly opening and slamming closed it’s lid until it fled, replied. “Trash talk, trash talk, trash talk. Blah, blah, blah. Trash talk, trash talk, trash talk. Yada, yada, yada.”

If you have any information regarding the identity of the Wheelie Bin sex pest,.or would just like to have faulty white goods collected from your home, please contact: sexpestorwhitegoodscollections@bluewheeliebins.com

Suffolk Schools Introduce “Defence Against the Dark Arts” to Combat Rise in Muggle-Born Attacks

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Suffolk Schools Introduce “Defence Against the Dark Arts” to Combat Rise in Muggle-Born Attacks
Suffolk Schools Introduce "Defence Against the Dark Arts" to Combat Rise in Muggle-Born Attacks

In a move that has stirred mixed emotions among parents, Lowestoft schools and academies have announced that a new subject—Defense Against the Dark Arts.

Subject will be introduced in response to the alarming rise in attacks on muggle-born students by followers of ‘she who shall not be named’ a.k.a Dark Witch, Lorraine Fisher, 34.

Taking a page out of the magical playbook of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,.educators claim that teaching this specialized subject will empower young minds with the knowledge and skills.necessary to ward off any further attacks by disciples of fearsome Fisher. “We must be prepared for any eventuality,” declared Professor Albus McGonagall, headmaster of the prestigious St. Muggle’s Institute of Education, in Lowestoft.

“Our muggle-born students deserve the same level of protection as their pure-blood counterparts. Defense Against the Dark Arts is the answer.” Parents, however, have been left scratching their heads, unsure of what exactly the subject entails. One concerned muggle mother, Mrs. Veronica Pendleton, exclaimed, “What on earth is Defense Against the Dark Arts? Will my little Brian have to carry a wand to school now?”

According to the curriculum outline, students will learn the art of wand-waving, enchantments, and counter-curses. The subject aims to equip pupils with practical skills such as disarming their opponents,.casting protection spells, and summoning the occasional patronus charm during lunch breaks.

Mouthy Malfoy

Not everyone is thrilled with the decision, though. Draco Malfoy III, pure-blood and scion of the Malfoy family, protested vehemently, asserting, “This is ridiculous! I refuse to learn how to defend myself alongside Mudbloods and Suffolk riff-raff!”

The Ministry of Magic has been quick to dismiss any concerns,.emphasizing the importance of inclusivity and unity in the face of the dark witch’s resurgence. Minister Kingsley Shacklebolt assured the public that the subject would be taught only by certified wizards and witches,.such as Jeremy Paxman and Holly Willoughby, who have undergone thorough background checks and possess a Ministry-issued “Good Wizarding Practice” certificate.

The introduction of Defense Against the Dark Arts has caused a surge in the sale of robes, wands, and spellbooks across the county with fancy-dress shopkeepers in Lowestoft High Street struggling to keep up with the demand.

Spelling gag

Students eagerly await their first Defense Against the Dark Arts class. – beginning in September – hoping to acquire the skills necessary to fend off any potential Fisher-led attacks. With their wands at the ready, Muggle-born students are gearing up for a school year like no other.—protecting themselves against the dark arts while at the same time navigating traditional subjects. such as algebra, spelling, and farming studies. After all, in these uncertain times, one can never be too prepared for the unexpected, whether it be an exam in pig breeding or a dementor lurking in the school cafeteria.

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