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Brexit voter Guy Fawkes plotted to blow up Parliament over EU vote row

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Guy Fawkes

Guy Fawkes was a dangerous Brexiteer who wanted to blow up Parliament in case it blocked Britain’s exit from Europe, it emerged today.

Mr Fawkes was furious when he learnt MPs would now vote before the Government invoked Article 50 – and decided it was best to blow the House of Commons to pieces instead.

The 35-year-old, who was born in York but has a holiday home in Suffolk, told pals: “This is an outrageous decision by the courts – there will be fireworks.”

But his cunning plot was thwarted when a Remain-voting shopkeeper became suspicious when Mr Fawkes asked to buy 1,000 kilograms of gunpowder.

Anti-terrorist police raided his terraced house and arrested him before seizing 100 rockets, 50 Catherine wheels, 75 bangers and some sparklers.

‘Bang’

A police spokesman said: “It was a deadly cache capable of making any early November evening go off with a bang. Mr Fawkes may have wanted to leave Europe as soon as possible, but blowing up Parliament is no way to make that happen sooner.”

Government officials were delighted the so-called Gunpowder Plot had been foiled. Lorraine Fisher, 34, a spokesperson for Prime Minister Theresa May, said: “Brexit has raised tensions in the country, and we cannot risk having a Civil War on our hands. Everyone needs to calm down.”

Ms Fisher said that to celebrate a new era of togetherness, the country would celebrate Mr Fawkes’ arrest with a pyrotechnic display on November 5.

Man Flu counsellors open Suffolk clinic

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Man Flu

By Phil Ward, Health Correspondent

Have you had Man Flu or do you fear being struck down by this terrifying disease? Help is at hand at a new counselling and therapy clinic in Suffolk.

“We’ve only been open a few days and we’ve already had full sessions. But clients can put their name on the list and we will try to fit them in,” said Dr Ivor Coff.

“We have had men who keep getting flashbacks to their flu days, some keep ‘seeing’ snot all over the TV remote and all over the sofa, others recall the day they ran out of mansize tissues, others have never actually had the illness but fear it so much they can’t function.

“Many victims have told us their relationships were ruined by Man Flu, with their wives or girlfriends thinking they were over-acting as they writhed on the floor or got tangled in the bed sheets as they howled in pain.

“We can support and offer self-help therapies for those who have Borderline Man-Flu – or those with Lemsip addiction,” said Dr Coff at the Norwich Road clinic, where our reporter saw weak, huddled victims rocking back and forth as they moaned in agony.

“We urge men not to come to the clinic if they are in full flow of Man-Flu as we need to protect those in the recovery stage. Anyone wishing to make donations or attend can go this our special Man-Flu Research Fund page.”

However, some women in the area are not quite so sure about the Man Flu clinic. One furious wife said: “They complain they have flu, but it’s a tissue of lies. Us ladies wouldn’t even class it as a cold.”

Now Fifa fines England and Germany over WW1 Christmas match

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By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

The English and German football associations have been fined by Fifa because the famous Christmas Day match between opposing World War One troops was “a political statement”.

Fifa, a proud and squeaky-clean guardian of world football, caused a storm by banning England and Scotland players from wearing poppies on their shirts during the Armistice Day World Cup qualifier on November 11, 2016.

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Despite the poppy being a symbol of remembering the fallen heroes of conflict, Fifa deemed it inappropriate on a football shirt – even though hundreds of thousands from both countries have perished side-by-side in battle.

Now Fifa has taken its tough stance even further with a retrospective £50,000 fine for England and Germany following events 102 years ago.

Christmas Day truce football

A Fifa spokesman said: “It has come to our attention that on Christmas Day in 1914 opposing allied and German troops on the front line put down their weapons, crossed into No Man’s Land and enjoyed a game of football.

“This was not only an unsanctioned international match, but also it was clearly a politically motivated statement. This is simply not allowed, and such humanity and compassion goes against everything we stand for.”

Fifa’s latest daft ruling infuriated football supporters, war veterans and politicians. World War Two veteran Alan Jones-McSmith, 93, from Ipswich in Suffolk, said: “Fifa is a corrupt waste of space. They can stick their poppy ruling and fine where it hurts.”

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A spokesman for the English FA said: “The Christmas Truce match is one of those iconic moments in history, showing football can provide compassion and comradeship at a time when everything around it is going to hell.

“Fifa is proving yet again how out of touch it is with not just football fans, but decent people everywhere.”

Teenager caught watching television news

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A teenager has been caught watching the television news, it emerged yesterday.

Ben Smith, 17, was sat in front of the 6pm BBC news and even appeared to be listening intently to the latest national and international events.

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Ben, a sixth-form student from Sudbury in Suffolk, is believed to be the first teenager in Britain to watch the news since Diana, Princess of Wales died in 1997.

Proud dad Brian said: “I was surprised because like most kids he normally shows no interest whatsoever in current affairs.

“But there he was taking in the latest updates on EU Brexit talks and the US election. I thought perhaps he might be unwell, but he was actually fine.”

Teenager who watched TV newsInformed: young television news viewer Ben Smith

Ben said: “I turned the telly on because I wanted to watch Love Island on catch-up. But I saw the news was on so I thought I would give it a try.

“It’s weird to discover there are real things going on in the world. And who knew there was a real country called Belgium!”

Media commentators were astounded, and claimed this could be the start of a new trend of youngsters giving a toss about anything other than reality television and social media.

“Young Ben clearly has a bright future ahead of him,” wrote Guardian columnist Dick Amore.

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Norwich release Delia Smith Halloween poster

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Delia Smith Walking Dead poster

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

Norwich City have released a terrifying limited edition Halloween poster to celebrate their 5-0 horror show at Brighton yesterday.

Wicked Witch Delia Smith, who owns the hapless Norfolk club, features in the Walking Dead-style poster, which is available from the club shop for just £49.99 plus £15 postage.

A Norwich spokesman said: “Our recent results have been horrifying – and being thrashed 5-0 at Brighton was the scariest thing we’ve seen for years.

“Our manager Alex Neil is a dead man walking, so it seemed fitting to produce a Walking Dead-inspired poster for Halloween.

“Delia has been scaring small children for years, so this poster should go down a treat across East Anglia.”

Norfolk Police now armed with pitchforks

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Norfolk Police pitchforks

EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Police in Norfolk are being armed with pitchforks in a desperate bid to combat rural crime, it was revealed yesterday.

Officers have been trained to use the fearsome forks for crowd control, self-defence – and all-out attack against the most hardened Norfolk criminals.

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The news comes just days after police in neighbouring Suffolk were handed guns and told to shoot suspects on sight to cut back on expensive paperwork back at the station.

Norfolk police spokesman Noah Clowes said: “Pitchforks are the weapon of choice in Norfolk, as they have been since baying yokel mobs first used them as long ago as the rebellions of 1992.

“We have now supplied all beat bobbies and traffic officers with a well oiled, sharp pitchfork, and already crime numbers are falling.

“There was an incident near Norwich when a speeding motorist was unfortunately impaled to death, but other than that things have gone brilliantly.”

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Mary Poppins gave ‘irresponsible’ sugar advice

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Spoonful of sugar

By Phil Ward, Health Correspondent

A spoonful of sugar does not actually help the medicine go down, it emerged yesterday.

Millions of children who watched the Mary Poppins film grew up assuming it was fine to eat handfuls of sugar to make them feel better.

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But now medics have confirmed that sugar and sugary treats could be making youngsters ill in the first place.

Dr Henry White, of the University of Suffolk, said: “We conducted tests that proved sugar does not aid recovery. On the contrary, we found it contributes to the horrendous weight problems in Suffolk.

“Mary Poppins might know a thing or two about being a nanny; she might even recognise that Dick Van Dyke’s Cockney accent is crap. But she does not know the first thing about medicine – her advice is irresponsible.”

Dr White has now called for the Spoonful of Sugar song to be removed from the Mary Poppins film. “It’s the responsible thing to do,” he explained.

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Famous gin drinker Mabel Jackson, 100, dies after short illness

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centenarian gin and tonic

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

Mabel Jackson, the centenarian who endeared herself to the world by declaring the secret to long life was drinking six gin and tonics a day, has died suddenly.

Her family has confirmed that Mabel, who turned 100 in June, suffered from alcoholic poisoning last Sunday after downing too many bottles of free gin sent by kind-hearted distilleries.

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Mabel hit the headlines in the summer after the Suffolk Gazette revealed her passion for gin, when she told this newspaper: “I have two at lunchtime, one at tea time with a biscuit and then three more during the evening while I do my knitting. I swear the gin keeps me young!”

Our story was picked up and run by newspapers and magazines the world over, including Cosmopolitan and The Drinks Business. It even made it into publications in Belgium and as far afield as Hungary.

But while Mabel received adulation from well-wishers, her fondness for six tipples a day ended up being her downfall.

Mr Simon Young, editor of the Suffolk Gazette, said: “As soon as our story was published, we were inundated with gin companies asking us for Mabel’s address so they could get some marketing capital out of sending her free gin.

‘Difficult time’

“We obliged, of course, but unfortunately this seems to have contributed to her death as her daughter has told us she died sadly of alcoholic poisoning. We send our sympathy to her family at this difficult time.”

Mabel, who lived in a care home in Stowmarket, said she had been drinking gin for 82 years and had recently worked out she had got through 4,264 bottles of the spirit, which she bought every Wednesday from the local Co-Op.

A shop assistant, who asked not to be named, said: “She’s with the angels now, and may she rest in peace. We’ll have to cut back on our gin deliveries now, however.”

Mabel had been widowed since 1989 when her beloved husband, farm labourer Eric, died of liver disease.

Her funeral will be held next Friday, conducted by The Rev Evan Elpuss at St Margaret’s Church. Mabel’s daughter, Mary Whiteside, 74, from Ipswich, has asked that there be no flowers, but donations should be made if desired to the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund.

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