Wednesday, May 7, 2025
Home Blog Page 300

American giant targets much-loved Suffolk business

The Editor
-
0
American giant targets much-loved Suffolk business

Following news that Aspall cider has been snapped up by American giant Molson Coors for £40 million, it has emerged another leading Suffolk business is being targeted by the Americans.

The Suffolk Gazette, Britain’s favourite local newspaper, has been approached by US-based The Onion in a £9.99 hostile takeover bid.

The Aspall deal shocked Suffolk consumers over the weekend, but news that The Onion, America’s huge satirical website, is after the Suffolk Gazette is a real blow to the community.

Residents value the independence and factual reporting of the Suffolk Gazette, which has published all the goings on in the county, and a few from Norfolk, on its website for hundreds of years.

A spokesman for the newspaper said: “We can confirm that The Onion has made an approach to purchase the Suffolk Gazette and all its assets for £9.99.

“This amount includes the Suffolk Gazette’s debt, which amounts to an unpaid bar tab at the Greyhound Public house in Ipswich.

“The board of the Suffolk Gazette does not want to sell the newspaper, but is happy for The Onion to pay the bar bill.”

American giant targets Suffolk Gazette

Records at Companies House indicate the Suffolk Gazette turned over £2.99 last year with a gross profit of £1.05, making The Onion’s £9.99 valuation a fair one.

But staff at the Ipswich-based media empire believe it will be a terrible decision to allow The Onion to take over.

Crime correspondent Hugh Dunnett, speaking on condition of anonymity, said: “The Americans would ruin the Suffolk Gazette. They don’t really get the British humour. They even spell humour humor.

“We will consider taking strike action if this goes ahead. We are fully behind the editor, except when he has had five pints of Adnams and a curry.”

The Suffolk Gazette is famous for cutting-edge exclusives such as ‘Seagull rips off nude sunbather’s tesicle’, and ‘Morris dancers and blind footballers in mass brawl’.

Ipswich dumped out of FA Cup to concentrate on mid-table finish

The Editor
-
0
Ipswich dumped out of FA Cup to concentrate on mid-table finish

Ipswich fans FA Cup final

Ipswich Town lost in the FA Cup so they could concentrate on finishing in a boring mid-table league position again, it has emerged.

Manager Mick McCarthy’s tactics ensured the Tractor Boys lost in the third round of the FA Cup for the EIGHTH year running.

Now Ipswich can spend the rest of the season with absolutely nothing to play for, probably finishing anywhere from 12th to 15th in the Championship.

[AdSense-A]

Fans were perplexed why their team, playing at home against a Sheffield United side that had made eight changes, could not even get one shot on target in the whole 90 minutes.

They were further surprised that in-form striker Joe Garner was left on the bench throughout while Freddie Sears, who has not scored for 15 years, led the front line for the whole game.

Young prospects were left out of the squad and even a new striker from Ireland was not given any game time as Ipswich huffed and puffed to a tedious 1-0 defeat.

But now McCarthy has made clear that avoiding any further FA Cup distractions – especially in the 40th anniversary year of Ipswich winning the trophy – means everyone can now concentrate on being bored rigid.

He told hacks at the post-match press conference he was “pleased” with the performance.

Now we know why – because he can make life as an Ipswich fan as interesting and inspiring as Delia Smith’s cooking.

Supporter Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We have been in the Championship for 15 years in a row and we are bored out of our skulls watching dull, percentage football.

[AdSense-B]

“We specialise in finishing mid-table with no promotion-pushing excitement, and no relegation-fearing excitement whatsoever.

“But praise the Lord! McCarthy has yet again made sure we do not have any fun in the FA Cup because he detests the competition, which he sees as a distraction.

“What is it distracting us from, exactly? It’s distracting us from the tedium of following a team that is going nowhere, that’s what.”

Losing in the FA Cup third round also ensures Ipswich Town do not get any extra gate receipts or television money.

However, canny club bosses will cover that certainty by selling some of their best players, including centre back Tommy Smith, who will be leaving for Colorado.

Trump proves he has bigger buttons than Kim Jong-un

The Editor
-
0
Trump proves he has bigger buttons than Kim Jong-un

Trump button

President Trump insists his suit buttons are bigger than Kim Jong-un’s buttons, it has emerged.

The American President slapped down the North Korean leader by showing off his huge buttons in Washington today.

[AdSense-A]

Mr Jong-un had claimed the button on his shiny suit could be done up at any time he wanted.

But Mr Trump, who has had enough of North Korea’s fastener outrages, hit back with some school playground tit-for-tat baiting.

A White House insider said: “The President wanted to make it perfectly clear that his button was bigger than Kim Jong-un’s button.

“To prove it, he paraded in front of the cameras on the White House lawn today, showing off his ridiculously huge buttons.

“The buttons are massive – about the same size of Jong-un’s haircut.

“We’re now all waiting for Kim Jong-un to come out with even bigger buttons, but we’re not worried because his won’t work.”

[AdSense-B]

Some clothing experts are concerned that Mr Trump is able to access his buttons so easily.

One said: “It could put the world in peril if he got hold of one of the buttons and released it.

“It would be safer for us all if Mr Trump and irresponsible world leaders like the North Korean chap just wore jumpers instead.”

A spokesman for the North Korean regime said: “There can be no doubt that the Dear Leader has the biggest button in the world – he needs it to keep his fecking trousers up.”

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

Rail passengers delighted as ticket hike funds more replacement buses

The Editor
-
0
Rail passengers delighted as ticket hike funds more replacement buses

Rail replacement bus service

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Train bosses insist they had to raise ticket prices in order to hire more rail replacement bus services.

They say customers will be delighted to pay record fares once they realise a comfy bus replacement is waiting in the station car park.

A spokesman for Train Industry Transport Society (TITS), which represents rail operators like Southern trains and Greater Anglia, said: “Hiring a rail replacement bus service is not cheap – it costs us a lot of money.

“Not as much money as running a train, but let’s not get bogged down in figures.

“The point is, if our customers want to get from A to B they should not expect to get on a train, but on a bus.

“And as we need more buses because our trains are shit and the network is screwed, we have to spend more money so the tickets need to go up.

“Instead of moaning, passengers should be pleased to be on a freezing bus with misted-up windows as it trundles from one random rural station to another for hours on end.”

But passenger groups were, for some reason, not so keen about more rail replacement bus services.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who travels regularly between Suffolk and London using the Greater Anglia “service”, said it was outrageous.

“We have so many rail replacement buses – every weekend and Bank Holiday for years, seemingly – that we should be getting a reduction in ticket prices, not a record increase.”

Greater Anglia has put its prices up by 3.4 per cent, the highest rise for five years.

Only one group is pleased with the latest developments – and they are all rail replacement bus drivers like award-winning Gerald Jenkins.

Greater Anglia price hike arrives on time, trains don’t

The Editor
-
0
Greater Anglia price hike arrives on time, trains don’t

Ipswich station

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

The latest train fare hikes arrived bang on time today – unlike many of Greater Anglia’s antiquated services.

Hard-pressed commuters were filled with joy while emptying their pockets for a 3.4% ticket increase – the biggest in five years.

[AdSense-A]

A quick glance down the official Greater Anglia Twitter feed revealed these issues during the first rush hour back to work after the Christmas and New Year period:

6.00 Stansted to London Liverpool Street 14 minutes late due to earlier points failure

6.33 Norwich to Cambridge 12 minutes late due to earlier train fault

6.45 Norwich to Lowestoft expected to be 10 minutes late due to earlier train fault

7.00 Liverpool Street to Norwich is 10 minutes late. This is due to a fault with the signalling system.

7.00 Stansted to Liverpool Street 8 coaches instead of 12

7.03 Stowmarket to Liverpool Street 8 coaches instead of 12

7.16 Harwich Town to London 8 coaches instead of 12

7.16 Clacton to Colchester 4 coaches instead of 8

7.30 Stansted to London Liverpool Street 8 coaches instead of 12

7.30 Liverpool Street to Norwich is running 10 minutes late. This is due to a fault with the signalling system.

7.35 Lowestoft to Norwich expected to be 10 minutes late due to earlier train fault

7.42 Liverpool Street to Hertford East 4 coaches instead of 8. This is due to a train fault.

7.47 Lowestoft to Norwich cancelled due to train fault

8.09 Norwich to Great Yarmouth cancelled due to a train fault.

8.10 Liverpool Street to Stansted 8 coaches instead of 12.

8.13 Liverpool Street to Southend Victoria expected to be 10 minutes late. This is due to another late running passenger train.

8.16 Southminster to Liverpool Street expected to be 10 minutes late. This is due to a train fault.

8.39 Hertford East to London Liverpool Street will be formed of 4 coaches instead of 8.

8:40 Liverpool Street to Stansted Airport is now expected to be 10 minutes late. This is due to cows on the track.

8.42 Liverpool Street to Hertford East has been cancelled. This is due to a train fault.

8.46 Great Yarmouth to Norwich cancelled due to a train fault

9.15 Stansted to Liverpool Street formed of 8 coaches instead of 12.

[AdSense-B]

Despite the inconvenience across the network, Greater Anglia regularly Tweeted: “Some updates to note here… otherwise a good service is running.”

Commuter Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk said: “I was very happy to pay 3.4% more for my service from Suffolk to London.

“Greater Anglia does an amazing job, so what could be better than paying an absolute fortune for sod all?”

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

America bringing the NFL to Suffolk

The Editor
-
0
America bringing the NFL to Suffolk

Claiming that British counties need to embrace “cool” sports, America’s National Football League (NFL) is bringing the sport to football teams in Suffolk. In a bid to replace football, American football will now be played in local stadiums.

This is all in a bid to spread what they call “true football” throughout the UK. Suffolk is only the beginning of a quest for American football supremacy.

The task has already been started, with a range of ways to watch NFL games outside the USA. But the real challenge will be getting it into schools.

“We’re hoping that by 2020, British people will just be calling American football ‘football’ and their version ‘soccer,’” said Roger Goodell, head of the NFL. “By 2022, we aim to make soccer obsolete. Men’s soccer at least. In America, soccer is a women’s sport.”

Meanwhile, reactions from locals range from perplexity to indifference.

“If our football team was winning the Premier League, I’d care,” said Peter Johnson, purportedly a fan of Norwich City. “As is, let the Americans have their fun.”

“Isn’t American football just rugby with more advertisements?” questioned Sally Williamson.

No one quite understands just how the NFL will work in Suffolk. Theorists suspect local soccer teams will start adding their sponsors to the official team name, playing friendlies against “real” NFL teams, and making their goalkeepers the most important players on the field.

Local rugby players are confused as to why the NFL has not approached them, choosing instead to focus on players who actually play the game with their feet, instead of those who already use their hands.

Many American NFL players, for their part, are hoping to join Suffolk’s budding NFL. They say that they’re tired of the nationalism inherent to every single aspect of American life.

“Sometimes you just wanna take a knee without the president getting on your back,” said Colin Kaepernick. “I mean, I love the US, but man do they hate me there. Even before the whole national anthem thing, they hated me for being African-American. I know that the UK embraces all cultures, and loves people from all around the world. That’s why they let foreigners in so easily.”

When asked whether he was worried about the effects Brexit would have on said acceptance of foreigners, Kaepernick asked, “What’s Brexit?”

Regarding the inherent differences between American and British football, American NFL players have few qualms about making it work.

Tom Brady said, “They’re basically the same thing right? Isn’t British football just another name for the female leagues?”

When it was pointed out that British football is played with feet rather than hands, Brady just shrugged and said, “As long as the ball isn’t too hard, I don’t see what the trouble is.”

Mum serves up leftover turkey for fourth day in a row

The Editor
-
0
Mum serves up leftover turkey for fourth day in a row

Leftover turkey

A Suffolk mum today insisted her family is looking forward to being force-fed leftover turkey for the fourth day in a row.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, said there was no point in wasting the remaining shreds of the carcass from her delicious Christmas roast.

But her partner and two children are too scared to tell her they are sick to death of it and just want some normal food.

Sales assistant Lorraine said: “I was brought up not to waste food, so I make sure I get my money’s worth from the turkey.

“It’s not so bad on Boxing Day when a lot of the nice, white breast meat is still a little moist. It’s like Christmas dinner all over again.

“On the 27th, I introduced some of the brown meat that nobody likes and mixed it with some dried-out breast meat to make massive sandwiches, with cranberry sauce and some brie that was lying around.

“Yesterday I had to be more inventive and made a pie filled with some random bits of turkey, vegetables and stock.

“But today is a challenge – and one I shall overcome brilliantly.

“We are down the last few gristly bits of meat that would usually make everyone feel sick just to look at, let alone eat.

“It’s also starting to smell a little bit.

“So that means curry! Yes, tip it all in a saucepan and make a hot, spicy sauce so that no one can really see, let alone, taste, whatever it is they are eating.

“I will feel so much better knowing I have got every last morsel out of the Christmas turkey leftovers.”

Son Oliver, eight, speaking from the family’s Woodbridge home, said: “It’s bloody turkey today…. again!

“I put up with it on Christmas Day because I’m so excited about my presents that I’ll eat anything just to get lunch out of the way.

“But then having turkey disguised as different things for the next four days is too much.

“Sometimes you just want something healthy like a light salad.”

Mugs better than turkey

You can buy a mug from the Suffolk Gazette. They are tougher than Lorraine Fisher’s week-old turkey…

Turkey who voted for Christmas is getting suspicious

The Editor
-
0
Turkey who voted for Christmas is getting suspicious

Turkey voted for Christmas

A turkey who voted for Christmas is beginning to think he made a terrible mistake.

Steve Walshe, age one, said he was led to believe Britain would be better off voting for Christmas.

[AdSense-A]

And he was told that if he voted for Christmas, turkeys across Britain would get a huge pay rise in the New Year, amounting to £350 million a week.

“It was quite the sales pitch,” said turkey Steve from his shed in Halesworth, Suffolk.

“I believed every word of it, and was looking forward to a much better life after Christmas.

“Plus I was worried about foreign birds migrating here every year, but I’m not racist or anything.

“So I voted for Christmas because everything would then be brilliant, just like the old days.

“Now it seems I have made a bit of a mistake – it looks like I was told a load of b*llocks.”

[AdSense-B]

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who campaigned against Christmas for turkeys, said she was upset so many of them had been deceived.

“I warned them not to vote for Christmas – it would not end well.

“But they wouldn’t listen, and now they are f*cked.”

However, not everyone is upset by the news.

Local butcher Nigel Farage said: “Yes, a few turkeys will find Christmas is not all it was cracked up to be.

“But really it’s not the fault of us butchers – it’s the bloody Brussels sprouts that really ruin it for us all.”

[AdSense-C]

1...299300301...384Page 300 of 384

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us