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Golf club installs undersoil heating to beat winter

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Golf club installs undersoil heating to beat winter

undersoild heating golf course

By Sandy Driver, Golf Correspondent

A Suffolk golf club is installing undersoil heating to ensure its members can enjoy playing all year round.

Bury St Edmunds Golf Club will spend millions on the system under all 18 tees, fairways and greens, with work expected to be completed in time for next winter.

It is believed the system, more commonly used in sports stadiums for football, will cost up to nine million pounds to install, but club management say members will not be expected to fork out too much.

A spokesman said: “We have received a grant from the Nordic Golfing Foundation which is keen to understand if the technique can allow all-year golf in the frozen wastes of Norway, Denmark and Sweden.”

He added that green fees or membership fees may not have to be reviewed as some wealthy members might like to cough up some cash as a donation.

The undersoil heating will ensure the course at Tut Hill will be playable in winter when snow and ice traditionally causes problems.

“Players are frustrated if we use temporary tee boxes or temporary greens, so this will be a great bonus for them.

“It will mean golf in Suffolk is truly available for 52 weeks of the year.”

The club will carry out the work on one hole at a time between now and November.

The course will, therefore, have just 17 holes available in the meantime, with players being allowed to select which one to play twice.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, a director for Soiled Pipes Sport Ltd, said: “We have to dig up the tees, fairways, greens and everything before laying the network of pipes.

“We’ll then cover them up again and hand over to the greenkeeper to try to grow the grass back as quickly as possible.

“He has expressed some concern about the condition of the greens afterward, but we’re confident everything will return to normal.”

This winter has seen several annoying icy blasts, which has left the region’s golfers frustrated.

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Anxious police say they have nothing to go on

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Anxious police say they have nothing to go on

nothing to go on

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Thieves stole the toilet from a police station in Suffolk – and now officers say they have nothing to go on.

The brazen criminals broke into the station in Felixstowe overnight on Tuesday, taking a range of items.

They ransacked the police dog compound and stole three bags of accessories, and also took a crossword book from the staff canteen.

A police spokesman said: “We are looking for new leads. And as for the crossword book, we currently have no clues.”

But it is the theft of the toilet that has put a strain on the police.

“I can confirm we have nothing to go on,” the spokesman continued. “We are keeping our fingers and legs crossed.”

Anyone with information is urged to contact Felixstowe Police Station immediately.

It is not the first time criminals have carried out a strange offence in Suffolk.

Recently bungling robbers raided a sperm bank in Ipswich. The gang, led by Jack Meoff, is now behind bars.

And last October a man was warned to remove an offensive pumpkin in the lead-up to Halloween.

Meanwhile, police are continuing their hunt for missing working class villagers who disappeared mysteriously after the opening of a new butcher’s shop.

Fears for alcoholic Age Partnership TV couple

The Editor
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Fears for alcoholic Age Partnership TV couple

Age partnership couple

The couple in the Age Partnership TV adverts may not enjoy a long and healthy retirement after all – because they are raging alcoholics, it has emerged.

Keen-eyed viewers will have noticed that the husband and wife are throwing back alcohol at every opportunity.

In the 2017 television ad for Age Partnership pension income boosts, the pair are seen quaffing booze at lunchtime in a country pub.

She is downing an extra-large white wine, while hubby guzzles a pint of beer – half of which has worryingly been drunk in just one scene cut.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, the pair were on the piss again in the 2018 Age Partnership ad.

This time they were shamelessly demolishing a bottle of red wine at home – a sure sign they are on the slippery slope.

The husband told the Suffolk Gazette: “I started to think about my pension savings and their importance to our future (drinking). So I contacted Age Partnership and found most people miss out on more money (alcohol) by not shopping around for the best deal.”

He added: “They got me literally thousands of pounds of extra income (beer) from my pensions savings.”

His rather smug-looking wife, Lorraine Fisher, a bit older than 34, said: “It’s really made a difference to our life (drinks cabinet).”

Her husband concluded: “I also received 25 per cent of my pension as a tax-free lump sum (which we have already spent in the pub).”

Health watchdogs are concerned the adverts may drive pensioners to drink.

Expert Steve Walshe said: “If you are embarking on a home equity release plan, or looking to boost your pension savings with Age Partnership, we would recommend that unlike their television couple, you do not spend all the money on booze.

“Otherwise your dream retirement might be over rather sooner than you had hoped.”

‘Blaast me, buh’ – Steve McClaren reveals all about Ipswich job

The Editor
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Former England manager Steve McClaren, who famously spoke in a weird Dutch accent when managing FC Twente, has spoken publicly for the first time since being linked with the Ipswich Town job.

Speaking exclusively to the Suffolk Gazette about the Tractor Boys’ current position, he said: “Blaast me, buh. They’re in a roight old state.”

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McClaren, 56, added: “This season’s been a rum old dew. Yew look at the league tayble and you’d think it was sloightly on th’ huh.”

The former Newcastle, Derby and Middlesbrough boss is said to be top of Ipswich owner Marcus Evans’ wanted list to take over from Mick McCarthy this summer.

Speaking on the phone to our Editor, Mr McClaren sounded perfectly at home when talking about the Suffolk club.

“I’m bugger’d if oi ken see how the fans have put up with diddly squit for soo long.

“But oi has a message for them – hold yew hard, Stevie buh is cummin to yer rescew.”

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When told Ipswich fans were fed up with negative tactics, with the team having scored only two goals at Portman Road since before Christmas, McClaren exclaimed: “Cood-a-hell.

“That’l hatter dew ’til next season when oim in chaarge. Then yew won’t need to be an old wurrygut.”

While some Ipswich fans will be excited about McClaren replacing McCarthy, others remember only too well that he has been sacked from every job, and they used to taunt him with a song about him being the “Wally with a brolly”.

“They were just play’n silly buggers,” McClaren insisted.

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The Queen will start the London Marathon – but what time will she finish?

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The Queen will start the London Marathon – but what time will she finish?


By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The Queen is officially starting this year’s London Marathon, but it’s anyone’s guess what time she’ll finish.

Her Majesty, 91, will start the marathon on April 22 from a special podium at Windsor Castle, which means she then has to run into central London to join the rest of the athletes on the course.

A royal insider said: “The Queen is a keen jogger and is often seen running around Windsor Great Park or St James’ Park in London.

“It’s long been the secret of her amazing fitness for a woman of her age.

“She has never run more than a mile before, so the London Marathon course will be tough, of that there is no doubt.

“But Her Majesty has an amazing ‘can do’ attitude, and she is determined not to be beaten by someone dressed up as a seven-foot carrot, or by someone running with a washing machine on their back.

“She certainly hopes to finish in under five hours.”

Crowds lining the streets will be desperate to catch a glimpse of The Queen as she runs past.

After the finish line in The Mall, it is just a short walk home to Buckingham Palace for a well-earned rest and a cup of tea.

A spokesman for the London Marathon said: “We invited the Queen to officially start this year’s event, and we were thrilled when she accepted.

“But we never expected her to take part. Fair play to her, she will be giving it a right Royal go.”

It is not know which charity Her Majesty will be running for, although it is known she needs a few funds for Prince Harry’s wedding spectacular a month later.

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Maureen, 87, whacks burglar with saucepan

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Maureen, 87, whacks burglar with saucepan

image

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Fearless grandmother Maureen Mullen caught a burglar by tripping him up and bashing him over the head with a saucepan.

Maureen, 87, was England women’s judo champion in 1953 and used her skills to nab the crook as he rifled through her living room drawers.

She is now being hailed a hero, and has been told by cops she might be invited to Buckingham Palace to meet the Queen at a special reception.

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“I woke up at 3am hearing noises downstairs,” Maureen told the Suffolk Gazette in an exclusive interview from her home in Ipswich yesterday. “I crept down and peeked into my front room and saw a figure going through my things.

“I thought, ‘I’m not having this nonsense’, so I went to the kitchen and grabbed the saucepan I keep to one side to make my soups. It did not have soup in, thankfully.

“Then I waited by the living room door, and when the man walked by I put out my leg, tripped him up – and as he went down I hit him on the back of the head with the saucepan. He groaned a bit but I tied his hands and legs with the cord from my vacuum cleaner.”

Maureen, who has lived alone since her husband died eight years ago, then casually called police.

“They arrived quite quickly and couldn’t believe what I had done,” Maureen said. “But I told them I used to be a judo black belt and used my training to get the man on the ground before immobilising him. You don’t forget how to do these things.

“It all came quite naturally to me. I don’t know what the fuss is about, really.”

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An officer at Ipswich Police station said: “This woman was incredibly brave. We would not recommend anyone tries to tackle a burglar, particularly an elderly lady living alone, but it seems former judo champions, no matter what their age is, are the exception!”

Maureen, who has six grandchildren living nearby, has now been nominated for a bravery award – and the chance to meet the Queen.

“That would be an amazing honour,” she said. “I admire Her Majesty a great deal – I think we old ladies are made of strong stuff.”

Meanwhile, a 27-year-old man, who did not suffer serious injuries, has been charged with four burglaries and will appear before Ipswich magistrates tomorrow.

“A man with a slight headache is in custody,” a police spokesman confirmed.

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0-0-0-0-0-1-0-1-0, Ipswich home goals record reduces fans to tears

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0-0-0-0-0-1-0-1-0, Ipswich home goals record reduces fans to tears

Ipswich home record

Ipswich Town bosses have introduced an exciting new binary numbering system for home matches, ensuring only zero or one goal can be scored by the team.

So far the new policy is working a treat, with the players having scored on just two occasions since before Christmas.

Canny manager Mick McCarthy has masterminded a run of goals scored in the last nine home matches as follows: 0-0-0-0-0-1-0-1-0.

And as any schoolboy mathematician will tell you, that’s an impeccable group of binary numbers.

It adds up to long-suffering Ipswich fans seeing just two goals scored at Portman Road in 810 minutes of play, or 13.5 hours.

In other words, the expression “We could have played all day and still not scored” has never been more appropriate.

A club insider said: “We thought we would mix things up a bit by changing to a binary numbering system.

“Marcus Evans asked McCarthy to keep it tight at the back, and Big Mick has done just that.

“Unfortunately for the supporters, playing nine or ten defensively-minded players at home does have the effect of not producing any goals.”

A few fans wearing blue-tinted spectacles have suggested the state of the Portman Road pitch, which resembles a Suffolk ploughed field, might be to blame for the lack of goals.

But that did not stop lowly Hull City, who had won just two of their previous 35 away games, from coming to Ipswich and winning 3-0.

When McCarthy was booed throughout that game, he said afterwards Hull were a “good team” full of experience, and that they were in a false position in the League.

Yet, curiously, Hull traveled to relegation-haunted Birmingham City four days later – and got spanked 3-0.

There will be more binary numbers stories as we get them, including the likely number of season ticket renewals arriving at the ticket office each day – none, one, none, none, one…

Topless Stormy Daniels photos

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Hundreds of thousands of randy or inquisitive men, and some women are searching Google for topless Stormy Daniels photos.

And the trend has been seized upon by some clever internet marketers as a way of attracting traffic to their website.

The Suffolk Gazette would like to make it clear this is abhorrent clickbait, and that it certainly has not published any topless Stormy Daniels photos.

Nor has it pretended to.

Internet SEO expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Wise editors will take a popular current search term like topless Stormy Daniels photos, and use it in a title.

“They will then repeat the same phrase – topless Stormy Daniels photos – to increase potential search rankings.

“And the savvier amongst them will also add a sub-heading using the same phrase.”

Topless Stormy Daniels photos

Ms Fisher said this clever method was fine, so long as the site does not deliberately mislead readers.

Stormy Daniels, a porn star, is currently in a legal fight with US President Donald Trump, trying to reveal details of their sexual relationship.

A spokesperson for the Suffolk Gazette said: “We are a respectable family newspaper and it is unthinkable that we would publish topless Stormy Daniels photos.”

Asked why this story repeated the phrase topless Stormy Daniels photos so many times, the paper said it was a coincidence.

“It would be impossible for us not to write a story about sites using the phrase topless Stormy Daniels photos without actually using the phrase topless Stormy Daniels photos.

“We’re just doing our job.”

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