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Woman finds rare white dog poo while holidaying in Suffolk

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white dog poo

A woman was surprised to spot some rare white dog poo while out and about in Suffolk, it has emerged.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, was walking through heathland near Aldeburgh when she found the two lumps of white dog poo next to a footpath.

It is believed to be the first find of its kind for nearly 30 years, and has prompted excited chatter among dog owners.

Ms Fisher, a stockbroker from London, said: “I was on holiday in Suffolk last week, staying at my cottage in Aldeburgh, and was out walking close to the town.

White dog poo

“Imagine my surprise when I looked down to see white dog poo next to the footpath.

“I haven’t seen any of that since I was a kid. It was just laying there where the dog left it.

“It’s not even as though the owner had flicked it with a stick out of the way.

“It was such a great discovery that I took a photograph of it and showed it to all my friends. None of them have seen this sort of thing for years either.”

Experts say white dog poo, which just about everyone remembers being commonplace years ago, has disappeared for two reasons: a healthier diet for our pets, and also because owners are now more responsible and tend to pick up what their little darlings leave behind.

Miss Fisher said she regretted not popping the poop in her pocket and taking it with her back to London, where the last sighting of white dog poo was way back in 1979 on a pavement in Tooting.

“It would probably be worth a few quid,” she said.

“I think it came from a medium-sized dog like a spaniel or something.”

Ipswich boss Hurst makes first signing of “slow burner” summer

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On 12th June, Ipswich Town officially unveiled Paul Hurst as the new manager of the club. He comes in having taken over at Shrewsbury Town in late October, 2016 when Shrewsbury sat rock bottom of League One. Hurst pulled Shrewsbury up to 18th to stave off relegation and then rocketed the club to third last season, just missing out on promotion in the League One play-off final.

As part of his first press conference as the Ipswich boss, Hurst detailed a steady pace to the summer of transfers due to the international tournaments, stating that “the situation might be a slow burner,” per Ipswich Town. But, just a couple of weeks on, Town have revealed their first new signing under Hurst, Chelsea’s Trevoh Chalobah on a season-long loan.

The experienced teen

Born in Sierra Leone of English nationality, Trevor Chalobah possesses size, strength, and is very comfortable with the ball at his feet. Last summer, Chalobah was part of the England team that also featured Town’s Andre Dozzell and won the Under-19s European Championships. He also impressed for Chelsea, featuring prominently in the club’s run to the UEFA Youth League final.

Chalobah will help to fill the gaps left by last season’s loanees in Callum Connolly from Everton and Cameron Carter-Vickers of Tottenham Hotspur while also bringing some versatility to the team. Chalobah’s touch, passing, and vision are strong, and he can play just in front of the defence as part of the midfield or as a centre back.
A dark horse with Hurst in charge

Paul Hurt’s appointment was never expected to loosen the purse strings at Ipswich Town. One of the admirable traits of the new boss is that he built Shrewsbury into being play-off finalists without spending very much at all. In his first full season in charge at Shrewsbury, Hurst brought in a total of eight players on loan as well as 11 players on permanent deals.

However, in the Championship, Hurst will have to contend with former Premier League clubs that have a spending power that’s far superior to that of Ipswich Town. The most recently relegated Stoke City and West Bromwich Albion are favourites with the bookies to win the Championship and achieve promotion largely because of their larger budget.

That’s not to say that Paul Hurst can’t improve Ipswich’s standing with some more shrewd signings. Last season, Shrewsbury were at very long odds to even make it to the play-offs, let alone finish in the top three. In fact, they were one of the early relegation favourites in the odds.

It’s because of Hurst’s ability to get the best out of his players and bring in players of real quality to bolster his squad in key areas that there are embers of hope that he can turn Ipswich Town into a Premiership team again. This has translated into fans using their betting offers at bookies like Betfred to back Ipswich to achieve promotion this season.

The rumour mill is turning

The club has been linked to a number of exciting players and, if the moves are completed, they will certainly improve Hurst’s squad. The team is said to have bid for centre-back Curtis Tilt of Blackpool, and are also after the soon-to-be free agent Kane Vincent-Young – a full-back who can also play as a winger. Middlesbrough’s signing from Oxford United last summer, Marvin Johnson, is also rumoured to be in Ipswich’s crosshairs, especially as Boro have reportedly accepted that they’ll make a loss on his £3 million fee from a year ago.

Ipswich will most certainly be making a few more loan signings before the summer window closes, but what might be most exciting is the young players raring to break into the first team. Australian 19-year-old Ben Folami enjoyed a taste of first-team action at the end of last season and could fill a need on the right-wing. There are also the young talents of Tristan Nydam and Andre Dozzell who could push for a more prominent role under Hurst.

It’s an exciting time in Ipswich Town, and while Paul Hurst says that it’ll be a slow burner summer, he’s expected to bring in some solid players to bolster the squad who may even help to lead the Portman Road residents towards the promotion places.

Dig out the family tree for when England disappoint at the World Cup

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England’s opening encounter at the World Cup featured all of the classic components of an England performance. The match with Tunisia began with the kind of attacking verve and movement that made spectators question whether this team in red were a bunch of Spaniards masquerading as Englishmen, before the subsequent 70 minutes had that reassuring sense of impending doom and overwhelming disappointment.

Yet, this familiar tale had a twist ending, with Harry Kane’s late winner stunning a nation that had already made a cup of tea to handle the despair of an underwhelming draw. Presumably, not even Kane can continue to save the day, so this is why it is useful for England fans to have contingencies in place in preparation for the inevitable heartbreak. Clearly, it is prudent to not get carried away but, perhaps, England fans should have alternative nations to support in place of the Three Lions so to maintain interest in the tournament.

Football’s coming home?

After such a magnificently gripping event like the Royal Wedding, you could have been forgiven for thinking that this would be as good as it gets for England in 2018. Yet, The Guardian reported that, for some reason, an average audience of 13.7 million tuned in for England’s match against Tunisia, making it the most popular televisual affair in the country so far this year. That is 13.7 million who just cannot grasp the concept that England will take your hope and crush it beyond any semblance of recognition. The 30 years of hurt expressed by Baddiel, Skinner and the Lightning Seeds (ranked as the nation’s greatest World Cup anthem) have become 52 years of hurt, meaning that the hurt has lived five years longer than Gareth Southgate. Quite whether that hurt began immediately after England lifted the World Cup in 1966 is up for debate but the overriding point stands that it has been an awfully long time since English fans enjoyed anything.

Fans would get criticised for supporting Manchester United even if they have always lived within a mile of Portman Road all of their life. The same sentiment translates to international football, perhaps even more fiercely. English people should always support England when international football comes around, if only because there is nothing that brings a nation together quite like collective disappointment. However, if there is an acceptance that England will ultimately break our hearts, it seems like common sense to have a Plan B to remain emotionally invested in the World Cup.

England World Cup squad

Dig out the family tree

It would take a brave Englishman to suggest supporting Germany once England crash out of the tournament, yet… it might be worth considering supporting Germany. Germany are always compelling favourites to have success in major tournaments. And odds of 8/1 as of the 20th June with Betway for Die Mannschaft to lift the World Cup reflect how they are generally better at football than England. A slightly ropey start has seen Germany slip to comparable odds to those of Belgium and France rather than the front-runners Brazil and Spain, but Germany so often find a way to click into ruthless efficiency. Plus, a look at our nation’s heritage suggests that we have deep links to Germany.

Although The Telegraph ultimately considered the Queen to be fairly English, they do acknowledge how we have enjoyed deep cultural ties with Germany for over 1,500 years. Certainly, the Queen is more German than Brazilian. Although royal shenanigans are definitively less interesting to the nation than England 2-1 Tunisia, it would show utmost respect to the Queen if English fans respected their heritage and got on board with the Germans upon England’s departure from Russia. Plus, there would be a decent chance that we’d be celebrating after the final, albeit not on a ‘partying in the streets’ kind of level. It definitely wouldn’t look quite like BBC’s prediction of the state of the nation if England were to replicate their 1966 success.

Of course, if individuals root through their family tree and find connections to countries such as Panama and Nigeria, then they should become the priority for support, although that is unlikely to eliminate the feeling of disappointment. Instead, England fans will likely throw their support at the nation that has shown the most exciting football against the odds. Everyone loves an underdog, and nations such as Mexico and Senegal have shown a capacity for exhilarating football in defiance of moderate expectations.

Dirty Norfolk peasants avoiding The Wash

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Norfolk people urged to wash

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Soap-dodging Norfolk peasants are scared to visit The Wash because they fear it means having to get cleaned up.

Most of the county’s residents have refused to ever go near the wide estuary that links Norfolk with Lincolnshire.

Unable to read, generations of families have been unable to determine that The Wash has nothing to do with soap and water.

Tourism official Andy Mehen, 40, said: “Plenty of Lincolnshire people enjoy The Wash, and we have visitors from Cambridgeshire, Suffolk and beyond.

“But the people of Norfolk fear it is something to do with having to wash, and so they stay away.”

Earlier this year the Suffolk Gazette reported how Norfolk people had been told to wash occasionally.

Health experts said it was no longer acceptable for them to be so filthy.

And they warned disease and cases of festering sores were on the rise.

Now they are trying to educate the Norfolk peasants about The Wash.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Once we eventually persuade them that The Wash does not involve soap, perhaps they will begin to visit the area, which is truly beautiful.

“And while they’re at it, they may as well go in the sea.

“It’s a bit sneaky, but at least that way they’ll never realise they’re getting a bit cleaner.”

The news comes days after it was revealed Norfolk women were being allowed to drive on the public roads for the first time.

It follows decades of campaigning that the remote county should drag itself into the 21st Century.

Southwold lighthouse makeover will ‘attract common visitors’

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Southwold lighthouse chav attraction

Southwold lighthouse has undergone a makeover as the posh Suffolk resort bids to attract more “working class” visitors – just like the ones who go to Great Yarmouth.

Councillors are proud of their resort’s quaint image but need extra footfall to raise cash to pay for their sky-high property prices.

While looking jealously at visitor numbers to Norfolk’s downmarket Great Yarmouth, Southwold tourist bosses decided to experiment with dumbing down themselves.

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They have placed a giant 25-foot wide Burberry baseball cap – a favourite ‘Chav’ garment – on top of their lighthouse.

And to polish it off, they added a huge Stella Artois logo as well, believing the strong lager is the preferred drink of the common man.

But locals are furious, saying no working class people should ever be allowed anywhere near Southwold.

Piers Farquar-Churchill, 68, a retired City banker, told the Suffolk Gazette: “The lighthouse now looks hideous – if they had to put a beer on, it should have been Adnams, the local brew.

“But that’s not the point – we simply do not want sweaty common people here.”

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Town councillors say they are looking forward to welcoming the newcomers.

One explained: “We have made a coach park because they will obviously all arrive on buses. We assume they cannot afford motor cars.

“We are not sure what they will find to enjoy here, but once we’ve got them we can charge them the earth, so who cares?”

Suffolk chav Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Whatevva.”

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England prepares for inevitable draw against Tunisia

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England prepare

England fans are preparing for the inevitable disappointment of scraping a draw against lowly Tunisia.

As our World Cup campaign kicks off in Russia tonight, the 1-1 result is already beyond doubt.

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Football expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “So, this is what’s going to happen.

“England will have all the possession for the first 20 minutes and we’ll all think we’re going to win the World Cup.

“But then Tunisia will get a shock goal, scored by some bloke no-one has ever heard of.

“England’s players will then go into a blind panic, hoofing the ball long and running around like headless chickens.

“Harry Kane will start taking corners again.

“Everyone in Scotland will be pissing themselves.

“But that’s a bit rich, considering they didn’t event qualify – if you recall, the Islamic State claimed responsibility for Scotland’s World Cup exit.

“Then, with two minutes left on the clock, we’ll squeak an equaliser when all looked lost.

“While we’ll all be too drunk to listen, the TV pundits will find lots of positives, saying how we’re unbeaten and can take lots of energy into the Panama game.”

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Sports scientist Steve Walshe said that as Brazil, Germany and Argentina had all failed to win their opening matches so far, it was a dead certainty that England would bottle it as well.

“However, I predict a draw. After all, England did manage a point against Costa Rica four years ago.”

Some fans are still questioning manager Gareth Southgate’s squad, after veterans Fear and Abject-Failure were selected to travel to Russia.

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Nudist camp guest castrated by giant cactus

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Nudist castrated

By Phil McCracken

A giant cactus has been removed from a Suffolk nudist camp after an “unfortunate incident” left a male guest in agony.

The gentleman was enjoying a game of mixed cricket when he turned around to chase the ball – and ran straight into the prickly plant.

One of the fearsome six-inch spines pierced his testicles, ripping them off and leaving them dangling like baubles on a Christmas tree.

Fellow guests at the Club Freedom resort near Lowestoft watched in horror as the scene unfolded.

One, who asked not to be named, said: “One minute the poor chap was enjoying a harmless game of cricket, the next his crown jewels had become detached and left on display for all to see.

“The cactus was a feature in the well-kept grounds, but staff soon turned up to remove it.

“They can’t have guests getting castrated every five minutes.”

The man, said to be aged in his fifties, had been staying at the nudist camp with his 80-year-old girlfriend.

He was rushed to Lowestoft Hospital, but there was nothing surgeons could do to save his private parts.

Other than having an irrational fear of prickly greenery, and being unable to have any more children, he is expected to make a full recovery.

Resort owner Lorraine Fisher, 34, was devastated by the incident.

She said: “The giant cactus has been a feature in our grounds for decades. We’ve never had anything happen like this before.

“The worst we’ve had is the occasional sunburn issue.

“We have offered the guest and his wife a full refund.”

‘I’ll press nuclear button like this’, Trump warns Kim Jong-un

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Trump to press nuclear button

US President Donald Trump showed Kim Jong-un exactly how he would destroy North Korea if the rogue state stitched him up at their historic meeting.

A visibly shocked Mr Jong-un watched as Mr Trump gesticulated how he would press his very big nuclear button.

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And the message was clear: mess with the United States and you’re toast.

The pair met in Singapore for face-to-face talks, a summit that many said could never happen.

With the two having traded insults with each other, the delicate talks were on a knife-edge.

But Mr Trump put Mr Jong-un in his place by threatening him with immediate nuclear destruction.

Associated Press journalist Lorraine Fisher, 34, who was covering the meeting said: “The pair met and shook hands, and it seemed everything was going as planned.

“But then Mr Trump couldn’t resist threatening to Nuke the North Korean leader.

“He held up him thumb and said, ‘This is how I’ll push the button’.

“It took a moment or two before the translator got the message across to Kim Jong-un, and did not seem amused.”

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However, the chilling threat appeared to have worked, because the rest of the summit went off without a hitch.

Mr Jong-un did remind Mr Trump that he had a pet cat in his office back in Pyongyang that could accidentally step on his own nuclear button at any time.

The pair of leaders shook hands, ate lunch and talked about prospects for the World Cup, before going their separate ways.

Mr Jong-un, who loves playing FIFA 18 on his Xbox, had asked Mr Trump to be quick about lowering sanctions because he had lost so much money at his trip the previous evening to a casino in Singapore.

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