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Public fears deadly Suffolk Police helicopter

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By Rob Banks, Crime Editor


The new Suffolk Police helicopter was criticised today for being out of proportion with the county’s crime levels.

Despite crime figures being on the increase, the Suffolk force’s decision to buy an Apache Gunship helicopter is seen as wildly over the top.

But county crime expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, caimed the fearsome piece of kit was necessary to deter a worrying increase in apple scrumping and illegal pigeon shooting in the countryside.

The Apache gunship, better known for its use by armed forces around the world, including the US and Israel, has a terrifying array of weaponry available to the two-man crew.

They will be able to target Suffolk’s notorious gangland leaders with a deadly array of cannon machine guns and missile systems capable of smashing any getaway car or stolen bicycle in an instant.

Sidewinder air-to-air missiles will also be used to take out any suspicious kites being flown on Suffolk’s beaches.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Apache has gone on to accidentally blow up a Suffolk vicarage. You can read our coverage of the unfortunate incident by clicking here

Now residents, who spent years moaning about the noise of the old police helicopter hovering over towns and villages, will have to get used to deafening automatic rounds being fired and the terrifying screech of missile strikes instead.

Marjory Dawes, a parish councillor from Orford, which has a deadly criminal culture known the world over, said even though she wanted a stop to crime, the Apache was way over the top.

She said: “Imagine walking the dog one morning and this Apache gunship suddenly appears over the tree tops of Tunstall Forest. It would be like a scene out of Full Metal Jacket or Platoon.

“And how much does this thing cost? Surely it would have been cheaper to keep the old bobby on his bike?”

The actual cost of the Apache is around £13 million, a figure Lorraine Fisher, 34, said was worth every penny. “The rural idyll of living in Suffolk has been shattered by rising crime. Only recently, police found bodies in a cemetery.”

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New gaffe as Donald Trump dresses up for tea with the Queen

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Donald Trump disguised as The Queen

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

Donald Trump made a huge diplomatic gaffe today after being told to dress like royalty for his meeting with the Queen, it has emerged.

The embattled US President thought he had to dress LIKE the Queen – and no-one stepped in to stop him.

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He therefore turned up at Windsor Castle for tea wearing a fetching blue dress beloved by Her Majesty, with complementary hat.

White gloves adorned his tiny hands and he even changed his hairstyle and put on some pearls.

But while he thought he was following British tradition and pageantry, which he loves, he was surprised by the reaction.

Royal courtiers fell about laughing when he stepped out his armoured car, white stiletto shoes first.

It was too late to change into anything else, so the tea went ahead in embarrassed silence.

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Windsor Castle seamstress Lorraine Fisher, 34, was aghast.

“I looked out of the castle window and saw a lovely old lady in a pleasing summer dress, much like one the Queen would wear.

“Then I realised it was Mr Trump. He won’t make that mistake again.”

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Norfolk man prepares for hosepipe ban, buys 47 hosepipes

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Hosepipe ban

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Norfolk man Donnie Spuckler says he’s no fool – he’s snapped up a garage-full of hosepipes to beat any hosepipe ban.

As Britain swelters without rain for weeks, there is a danger parts of the country could see hosepipes banned.

But cunning Mr Spuckler was not going to get caught out that easily.

“It’s so dry because of the heatwave,” he said. “There was talk on the telly of a hosepipe ban.

“I thought what would I do without any hosepipes?

“So I went down to B & Q in Norwich and bought all their hosepipes. Then I went to Wix and did the same.

“It took quite a few trips in the car, but it will be worth it.

“When the ban comes in, I shall never be short of a hosepipe again. It cost me £1,350 but it’s worth every penny.”

East Anglian water expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It seems your Mr Spuckler is very pleased with himself for getting hold of so many hosepipes.

“But I’m afraid he seems to have got the wrong end of the stick.”

June saw the lowest rainfall on record, and July has also been bone dry across East Anglia, increasing the chances of a hosepipe ban in the region.

It would mean everyone who purchased a cordless garden hose will be unable to use it.

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Football’s not coming home after all

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Football is not coming home after all, it has emerged.

Instead, it has has decided to stay away for at least another four years.

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Perhaps now the whole country will forget about bloody football and enjoy the great weather.

Woman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I’ve already forgotten about it.”

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Two basic rules of weight loss

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The correct weight loss should happen due to the minimal loss of muscle mass. In fact, there are a lot of situations when a person is on a strict diet. Because of it metabolism (https://www.drugs.com/mca/metabolism-and-weight-loss-how-you-burn-calories) slows down. This leads to muscle loss and also blocks the fat burning process.

Actually, you should have a diet for getting rid of belly fat. You should remember that the basis of any diet is the lack of calories. It is necessary to spend a little more energy than you get from food. Also, the good idea for the weight loss is bodybuilding supplements. It will keep the body in a great state and will help to lose the excess weight and at the same time to build the muscle mass. The best supplement for the weight loss is HGH. By the way, you can find different sources with HGH (https://anabolicenergy.com/why_trust_us) and other supplements for the weight loss and muscle growth.

The second important factor for the effective weight loss is maintaining the high metabolic rate. When you begin to decrease the calorie intake sharply, your body thinks it is an extreme situation. As result, the body slows down metabolism for enough energy. Because of that a lot of people who try to lose weight (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weight_loss) with strict diets note the decrease in the effectiveness in 1-2 weeks.

There are two basic rules for weight loss.

1. Lack of calories
2. High-calorie rate

How to keep the high-calorie rate?

Split Meals

As you understand, you should keep high-calorie rate in order to lose weight. By the way, there are a lot of ways to increase the metabolism. The best method is split meals. Your metabolism will be faster if you eat often with small portions.
You should eat 6-12 times per day.

Physical activity

It is necessary to have the physical exercises for fast weight loss. These exercises can be with weights and also without. Any physical activity accelerates metabolism. The fact is that muscles consume a lot of energy even during sleep.

How should change workouts during the weight loss diet?

There are two views on this issue. One is not to change the workout program at all. The other is to change the program radically and to do more repetitions, sets, and to rest less between them. These both schemes have advantages and disadvantages.

When you don’t change your workout program then it perfectly keeps the size of your muscles during the diet.

It doesn’t matter how difficult you train because the loss of muscles with the diet on losing weight is inevitable. Therefore, one of the goals is to minimize these losses. In fact, you save your muscle mass much better when you continue to train in standard mode.

Thai cave rescue team to help Theresa May out of huge hole

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Thai rescuers

Thailand’s heroic cave rescue team is flying to Britain today to help the Prime Minister out of a huge hole, it has emerged.

Theresa May got into the hole last week and has been sinking deeper by the day.

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It is feared she could be trapped for ever by a rising tide of cock-ups and Brexit fuckwittery.

The departure of Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson gave a glimmer of hope that she’d emerge from the hole in one piece.

But then she appointed Jeremy Hunt as his replacement.

Now she is so far into the hole that even Donald Trump admits Britain is in all sorts of trouble.

Alarmed Downing Street officials decided the only solution was to bring over the Thailand cave rescue team.

Spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “As soon as they had finished rescuing that football team and their coach from the cave complex, we were on the phone.

“If they could pull off that amazing rescue maybe, just maybe, they could drag Theresa May out of this massive hole she has got herself into.”

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The rescue team lands at Heathrow this afternoon and will get straight to work.

It is expected they’ll use all sorts of equipment and risk lives to go deep into the hole where the Prime Minister has been languishing for days with no outside help.

The astonishing event is quickly turning into something of a media circus, with even US President Donald Trump coming over to take a look at Mrs May in her hole this week.

Gareth Southgate could have helped Mrs May from her hole but he is busy working in Russia.

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Gareth Southgate wins British Grand Prix

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Gareth Southgate wins British Grand Prix

Gareth Southgate won the British Grand Prix after a stellar drive at Silverstone today.

The English sporting hero started on pole position and never looked back, finishing a record-breaking four laps ahead of the rest of the field.

Fellow Brit Lewis Hamilton was runner-up, but German driver Sebastian Vettel was unfortunately forced to retire early.

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The win was a remarkable won for Southgate, who has also made it through to the fourth round of the Wimbledon men’s singles championship.

Later today he leads England in their decisive T20 cricket match against India.

The news comes just hours after Sir Gareth of Southgate masterminded England’s progress to a World Cup semi-final for the first time in 28 years.

Sporting expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It turns out Gareth Southgate can do absolutely anything, whether that’s turning around England’s footballing fortunes, or winning a Formula One race.

“It seems the man can do no wrong.”

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The enormous crowds at Silverstone cheered Southgate every step of the way after he powered his Mercedes, unfortunately a German vehicle, around the track.

“It’s coming home,” said motor racing fan Steve Walshe, from Woodbridge in Suffolk.

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Eaten rhino poacher shrieked ‘three lions on my shirt’

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three lions on my shirt

Football fever spread to the African bush this week when a rhino poacher shrieked: “Three Lions on my shirt!” as he was torn to pieces.

The utter scum got exactly what he deserved while trying to kill endangered rhinos for their horn.

As the pride of lions devoured him, the poacher’s last words resonated across South Africa.

Game reserve expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Happily, he was the one person who did indeed have three lions on his shirt this week.

“It’s called karma.”