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Rising Southwold house prices force Russian oligarch to buy beach hut instead

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russian beach hut

House prices in Southwold have risen so much that a Russian oligarch has been forced to buy a beach hut instead.

The billionaire industrialist could not afford to buy even a terraced house in the achingly posh Suffolk coastal town.

Instead, he had to settle for the beach hut for a trifling £150,000.

Keen to preserve his privacy and keep a low profile, he repainted the beach hut in the colours of the Russian flag.

Local property expert Chris Merrick said: “The property prices in Southwold are outrageous. Recently a local woman managed to buy a house and it made the national news.

“Even billionaire Russian oligarchs can’t afford it, and have resorted to snapping up the beach huts instead.

“This deal went through two weeks ago, and if it wasn’t for the hut being painted in the colours of the Russian flag, no-one would have noticed.

The Suffolk Gazette approached the rich owner, who made his money in Russian mines, in one of the local Southwold pubs.

He tried to appear friendly by offering to buy our man a drink.

“What’s your poison?” he said.

Landlady Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “He comes in here quite a lot and keeps himself to himself.

“Sales of vodka have sky-rocketed.”

‘I misspoke, I meant to say I’m a complete cockwomble’, says Trump

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US President Donald Trump claims a slip of his tongue meant he said “I’m in charge” instead of “I’m a complete cockwomble”.

He made the frank admission at a hastily arranged press conference in Washington last night.

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The world was horrified when Mr Trump refused to acknowledge the growing global disquiet over his presidency, instead declaring: “I’m in charge.”

“It should have been obvious, I thought it would be obvious,” Mr Trump explained to reporters at the White House, “but I would like to clarify just in case it wasn’t.

“I misspoke. Instead the sentence should have been,’I’m a complete cockwomble’. So you can put that in.”

His dramatic about-turn settled everyone down, and no-one thought it odd that the supposed leader of the free world could have got something so fundamentally wrong at such a high-profile moment.

The original “I’m in charge” remark, made during a meeting with Russian leader Vladimir Putin, went down badly.

A Kremlin spokesman said: “We are glad Mr Trump has cleared it up. This is now something we can all agree on.”

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Republican supporter Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It was obvious he meant to describe himself as a cockwomble all along. This is just fake news going crazy.”

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Hosepipe ban forces airport to hand wash Ryanair passengers

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There were huge delays at Stansted Airport today after the hosepipe ban forced staff to hand wash Ryanair passengers instead.

Rather than hosing down the great unwashed as they got off their cheap holiday flights, airport staff had to scrub them down with sponges and buckets.

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This caused huge delays as passengers waited to be cleaned before going through passport control and luggage collection.

Holidaymaker Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk, who had flown back from Magaluf said: “The delays were terrible.

“Normally they just blast us with a hose at the bottom of the aircraft steps. It’s actually quite refreshing, and saves me from showering for a few days.

“But today they had to wash us all by hand.

“I had a nice man called Gurprit who did me. He seemed to enjoy it more than I did.”

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Stansted Airport was hit by a hosepipe ban because of the record lack of rainfall.

It announced the news relating to Ryanair passengers on its official Stansted Airport Twitter page.

An insider said: “There’s no way we allow Ryanair passengers into the arrivals lounge without a good wash first.

“We’ve used hosepipes for years because it’s cheaper. But all this hot weather has meant we’ve had to rethink.”

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Public fears deadly Suffolk Police helicopter

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By Rob Banks, Crime Editor


The new Suffolk Police helicopter was criticised today for being out of proportion with the county’s crime levels.

Despite crime figures being on the increase, the Suffolk force’s decision to buy an Apache Gunship helicopter is seen as wildly over the top.

But county crime expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, caimed the fearsome piece of kit was necessary to deter a worrying increase in apple scrumping and illegal pigeon shooting in the countryside.

The Apache gunship, better known for its use by armed forces around the world, including the US and Israel, has a terrifying array of weaponry available to the two-man crew.

They will be able to target Suffolk’s notorious gangland leaders with a deadly array of cannon machine guns and missile systems capable of smashing any getaway car or stolen bicycle in an instant.

Sidewinder air-to-air missiles will also be used to take out any suspicious kites being flown on Suffolk’s beaches.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Apache has gone on to accidentally blow up a Suffolk vicarage. You can read our coverage of the unfortunate incident by clicking here

Now residents, who spent years moaning about the noise of the old police helicopter hovering over towns and villages, will have to get used to deafening automatic rounds being fired and the terrifying screech of missile strikes instead.

Marjory Dawes, a parish councillor from Orford, which has a deadly criminal culture known the world over, said even though she wanted a stop to crime, the Apache was way over the top.

She said: “Imagine walking the dog one morning and this Apache gunship suddenly appears over the tree tops of Tunstall Forest. It would be like a scene out of Full Metal Jacket or Platoon.

“And how much does this thing cost? Surely it would have been cheaper to keep the old bobby on his bike?”

The actual cost of the Apache is around £13 million, a figure Lorraine Fisher, 34, said was worth every penny. “The rural idyll of living in Suffolk has been shattered by rising crime. Only recently, police found bodies in a cemetery.”

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New gaffe as Donald Trump dresses up for tea with the Queen

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Donald Trump disguised as The Queen

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

Donald Trump made a huge diplomatic gaffe today after being told to dress like royalty for his meeting with the Queen, it has emerged.

The embattled US President thought he had to dress LIKE the Queen – and no-one stepped in to stop him.

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He therefore turned up at Windsor Castle for tea wearing a fetching blue dress beloved by Her Majesty, with complementary hat.

White gloves adorned his tiny hands and he even changed his hairstyle and put on some pearls.

But while he thought he was following British tradition and pageantry, which he loves, he was surprised by the reaction.

Royal courtiers fell about laughing when he stepped out his armoured car, white stiletto shoes first.

It was too late to change into anything else, so the tea went ahead in embarrassed silence.

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Windsor Castle seamstress Lorraine Fisher, 34, was aghast.

“I looked out of the castle window and saw a lovely old lady in a pleasing summer dress, much like one the Queen would wear.

“Then I realised it was Mr Trump. He won’t make that mistake again.”

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Norfolk man prepares for hosepipe ban, buys 47 hosepipes

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Hosepipe ban

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Norfolk man Donnie Spuckler says he’s no fool – he’s snapped up a garage-full of hosepipes to beat any hosepipe ban.

As Britain swelters without rain for weeks, there is a danger parts of the country could see hosepipes banned.

But cunning Mr Spuckler was not going to get caught out that easily.

“It’s so dry because of the heatwave,” he said. “There was talk on the telly of a hosepipe ban.

“I thought what would I do without any hosepipes?

“So I went down to B & Q in Norwich and bought all their hosepipes. Then I went to Wix and did the same.

“It took quite a few trips in the car, but it will be worth it.

“When the ban comes in, I shall never be short of a hosepipe again. It cost me £1,350 but it’s worth every penny.”

East Anglian water expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It seems your Mr Spuckler is very pleased with himself for getting hold of so many hosepipes.

“But I’m afraid he seems to have got the wrong end of the stick.”

June saw the lowest rainfall on record, and July has also been bone dry across East Anglia, increasing the chances of a hosepipe ban in the region.

It would mean everyone who purchased a cordless garden hose will be unable to use it.

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Football’s not coming home after all

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Football is not coming home after all, it has emerged.

Instead, it has has decided to stay away for at least another four years.

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Perhaps now the whole country will forget about bloody football and enjoy the great weather.

Woman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I’ve already forgotten about it.”

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Two basic rules of weight loss

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The correct weight loss should happen due to the minimal loss of muscle mass. In fact, there are a lot of situations when a person is on a strict diet. Because of it metabolism (https://www.drugs.com/mca/metabolism-and-weight-loss-how-you-burn-calories) slows down. This leads to muscle loss and also blocks the fat burning process.

Actually, you should have a diet for getting rid of belly fat. You should remember that the basis of any diet is the lack of calories. It is necessary to spend a little more energy than you get from food. Also, the good idea for the weight loss is bodybuilding supplements. It will keep the body in a great state and will help to lose the excess weight and at the same time to build the muscle mass. The best supplement for the weight loss is HGH. By the way, you can find different sources with HGH (https://anabolicenergy.com/why_trust_us) and other supplements for the weight loss and muscle growth.

The second important factor for the effective weight loss is maintaining the high metabolic rate. When you begin to decrease the calorie intake sharply, your body thinks it is an extreme situation. As result, the body slows down metabolism for enough energy. Because of that a lot of people who try to lose weight (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weight_loss) with strict diets note the decrease in the effectiveness in 1-2 weeks.

There are two basic rules for weight loss.

1. Lack of calories
2. High-calorie rate

How to keep the high-calorie rate?

Split Meals

As you understand, you should keep high-calorie rate in order to lose weight. By the way, there are a lot of ways to increase the metabolism. The best method is split meals. Your metabolism will be faster if you eat often with small portions.
You should eat 6-12 times per day.

Physical activity

It is necessary to have the physical exercises for fast weight loss. These exercises can be with weights and also without. Any physical activity accelerates metabolism. The fact is that muscles consume a lot of energy even during sleep.

How should change workouts during the weight loss diet?

There are two views on this issue. One is not to change the workout program at all. The other is to change the program radically and to do more repetitions, sets, and to rest less between them. These both schemes have advantages and disadvantages.

When you don’t change your workout program then it perfectly keeps the size of your muscles during the diet.

It doesn’t matter how difficult you train because the loss of muscles with the diet on losing weight is inevitable. Therefore, one of the goals is to minimize these losses. In fact, you save your muscle mass much better when you continue to train in standard mode.