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I want my plums to grow bigger and I’d like to exhibit my aubergine

The Editor
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I want my plums to grow bigger and I’d like to exhibit my aubergine

Introducing our new star Suffolk Gazette gardening columnist, Jeremy Corbyn MP.

Hello, comrades,

Well, what a week it’s been down the allotment. My sneaky neighbour, Chuck Umami, stole seven of my plants. Just climbed over the fence in his designer suit and oiked them from under my nose. My old flame, Mrs Abbott thought he had taken 700 but I soon put her right. Anyway, they were not the best specimens, so Chuck is welcome to them.

Then I found a plant I thought had died 40 years ago when Dericus Hattonium popped up. It died again after two days of showy display.

At the moment I’m trying to get rid of all the deadwood on the plot.

If only there was an organic, gender-neutral, non-bee-killing and effective poison for that most virulent of weeds: Tabloidiosi. I know it sounds paranoid, but sometimes I feel it is actually out to get me. It is very prickly and has stung me on the arse almost daily.

I find music in the allotment very energising. This week I’ve been playing Macca’s Hey Jewed, Another One Bites The Dust, Talking ‘Bout A Revolution and Don’t Let THE SUN Go Down On Me.

Chuck has been trying to outdo me by playing loudly, Let’s Get This Parted Started.

I’ve cleared the plot ready for some flowers. Trouble is I never know whether what is planted is going to turn out blue or red, or Allah forbid, bloody orange like a Liberal Democrat.

Sometimes I re-plot things without telling the allotment keeper, Mr Watson. We used to call him Fat Tommy but he’s been to Weight Watchers, or was it Hate Watchers? Now he’s thinner than a Labour poll lead. No doubt he’ll put all that lard back on after dining out with his posh media mates.

I always keep in trim eating my home-grown veg which I will be giving you tips on as my column in The Suffolk Gazette blooms as big as an award-winning marrow.

My dark little shed is a great source of pleasure. I keep a secret stash of drinks like Earl Grey and Gunpowder Green tea, which I call Guy Fawkes extra strong.

Like many old men, I also have some porn hidden under the potting shelf amid the twine and Miracle Gro. I get quite aroused by the words of Karl Marx and Chairman Mao and magazines like The New Statesperson. I always hope I will get a General Erection.

Gardeners often ask me which fertiliser I use and whether it is environmentally-friendly.  As I said at Prime Minister’s Question Time, Lorraine, 34, from Suffolk asked me this very thing.

My answer is ALWAYS the same: “We need more help for the non-working man, more money for the NHS, and education. If we don’t have a decent education system, my other allotment holders will have to send their children to private schools. End austerity and ban the bomb.”

This week I have been propagating my Hamas seeds and digging over old theories. My snowdrops are in their prime, waving like white flags in a war. As are my Hellibores, or Mrs Mays, as I call them.

The narcissi are also popping up which reminds me of Chuck, Mrs Berger and Mrs Soubry.

I’d like to pour a bucket of manure over the bastards but I need it for my crops.

I want my plums to grow bigger this year and would like to exhibit my aubergine before it gets more wrinkly.

Anyway, pitchforks out, comrades, for the season ahead and the Battle of Brexit. I will answer any of your gardening questions via The Suffolk Gazette website here if you wish to comment below. I am hoping to turn it into the Pravda of Ipswich.

Up the workers!

Right up the workers!

Yours, Jeremy

Caravan owners prepare for another summer of shitting in a cupboard

The Editor
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Caravan owners prepare for another summer of shitting in a cupboard

People who own caravans are preparing to spend another summer shitting in a cupboard.

Owners who inexplicably turn up at campsites towing a caravan like nothing better than taking a dump in a closet.

“You can’t beat the sensation of squatting in a space no bigger than your wardrobe and defecating just three feet from the wife’s head,” said Suffolk caravan fan Steve Walshe.

He added: “The winter just isn’t the same. I have to use the loo at home. But sometimes I sneak outside to the caravan when the neighbours aren’t looking and go to the bog in there.

“I can’t wait for the holiday season so I can do it every day in the cupboard, then watch proudly as the rest of the family have to take a piss in my bucket of excrement.”

Holiday expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It takes all sorts. But caravan folk will do anything to avoid the horror of using the camp toilet block.

“They don’t mind the embarrassment of walking across the campsite clutching their overflowing toilet cassette and emptying it in front of everyone, though.”

First Rorke’s Drift Zulu warrior victim named as Will

The Editor
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First Rorke’s Drift Zulu warrior victim named as Will

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

rorkes drift zulu

New research reveals the first Zulu warrior to be shot during the bloody battle of Rorke’s Drift was called Will.

A study confirms actor Michael Caine, who played commanding officer Lieutenant Gonville Bromhead, unwittingly identified the first victim.

As the thousands of fearsome, spear-waving Zulus began their attack, Caine is heard to shout repeatedly: “FIRE AT WILL!”

Historians are amazed at the new fact emerging so long after the famous 1879 battle, part of the Anglo-Zulu War.

Battle historian Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Now we know Will, or William to give him his proper name, was the first target of British soldiers, we can give him a fitting memorial.”

Zulu at Rorke’s Drift

It is expected a plaque in Will’s honour will now be erected at the site of the battle, made famous by the 1964 film Zulu.

What’s not clear is how Lt Bromhead knew Will’s name, unless there is astonishing evidence to emerge that the Zulus all had name tags.

The film, starring Caine, Stanley Baker and Jack Hawkins, depicts 150 British soldiers, many of whom were sick and wounded patients in a field hospital. They successfully held off a force of 4,000 Zulu warriors.

The film is notable for showing the Zulu army as disciplined and governed by strategy – it was also Michael Caine’s first big role.

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More woes for Ipswich Town as mascot Bluey catches equine flu

The Editor
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More woes for Ipswich Town as mascot Bluey catches equine flu
Why the long face? Bluey has flu

Just when it seemed things couldn’t get any worse, Ipswich Town fans are today reeling from news that club mascot Bluey has contracted equine flu.

With the team bottom of the table and staring relegation in the face, and after losing 3-0 to arch-rivals Norwich on Sunday, Bluey’s illness will be hard to take.

He fell ill on Monday and was immediately sent home from Portman Road in case his pal Crazee caught the disease.

The outbreak of equine flu has halted all horse racing across the country, and four horses have so far contracted it in Newmarket.

But the news about Bluey will shake the racing world as well as devastate Ipswich fans.

Crazee will now have to undertake the important mascot duties alone for the home match against Derby tomorrow night.

Ipswich vet Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I was called to Portman Road after Bluey began sneezing in the club offices.

“It soon transpired he had equine flu and has now been sent home in quarantine.”

Ipswich Town owner Marcus Evans has inquired about Bluey’s condition while also checking on the latest prices for horse meat.

“For some reason, he keeps referring to the poor thing as Gluey,” a club insider pondered.

Albert Finney obituary Haiku

The Editor
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Albert Finney obituary Haiku

The entertainment world is mourning the loss of actor Albert Finney, who died this week, aged 82.

In true Suffolk Gazette fashion, here we publish our obituary Haiku from resident writer, Richard Standen. The Suffolk Gazette remains the world’s only newspaper to write its obituaries in Haiku form.

Albert Finney the
Bafta-winning actor dies.
Albert. C’est fini.

Albert Finney, actor
Born: 9th May 1936, Salford
Died: 7th Feburary 2019, London

To mourn along with all our obituary Haikus, following this obituary Haiku link.

Theresa May commissions Walberswick Ferry to carry post-Brexit freight

The Editor
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Theresa May commissions Walberswick Ferry to carry post-Brexit freight
Brexit rollocks (Photo: Rodney Harris)

The Government has commissioned the famous Walberswick Ferry to fetch and carry container freight from Europe in the event of a post-Brexit import crisis.

The sturdy little vessel will be called into action to transport containers from Europe into the UK, helping to ease any log-jams at major ports caused by Brexit chaos.

More used to transferring holidaymakers and walkers over the River Blyth between Southwold and Walberswick in Suffolk, the ferry will be called upon to make repeated trips to France and Belgium.

The trips will be hard work for the ferryman or ferrywoman, who will have to row jolly hard to make it across the North Sea or English Channel, especially when it’s windy.

And it will be even harder on the return trip, with a container-load of insulin or fresh vegetables on board.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, from the British Brexit Department said: “It’s sensible to make contingency plans should goods be held up at busy ports like Dover.

“We’ve already started trials with Seaborne Freight for goods to come through Ramsgate, so this is just an additional measure.”

However, Suffolk Tourist Authority fears the deal will mean the ferry is often unavailable to holidaymakers during the height of the summer season.

A spokesman said: “The poor woman who runs the ferry uses all her skill and strength to row the few yards over the River Blythe, so goodness how tough it will be for her to get back from France with a container.

“Surely the Government could find more appropriate transport solutions?

“It will be rather dangerous for people to try to swim across the Blyth – potentially an unexpected victim of Brexit in the making.”

Midsomer introduces police stop and search powers

The Editor
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Midsomer introduces police stop and search powers

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Police in the village of Midsomer will get special stop and search after murders rose to four a week.

Parliament has made special exceptions for the Oxfordshire village, where residents are afraid to go to the church, paper shop or library for fear of being slaughtered by crazed men in corduroy trousers and women in Laura Ashley or Boden tunics,  wielding knives or shotguns.

“It’s turned into Midsomer Madness,” said Chief Superintendent Tom Barnaby. “The force is working overtime and still the killings continue.

“The council is considering building a wall between Midsomer and Causton. In theory, we will be stopping all black people and white people, although I have never actually seen a person of colour in any of the local villages.

“We won’t just be searching for knives and guns. We need to be wary of poisoned pots of blackberry jam and elderberry wine, as well as Semtex inside library books, ancient statues laced with Novichok and razor blades hidden in flower arrangements.

“My warning to these murderers is that we are going all-out to get them and they will face justice. We do not care about their so-called human rights. We will stop anyone who looks suspicious whether they be the vicar or a band of passing circus folk.”

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who runs the Midsomer Macrame Collective, said: “We welcome this initiative. Villagers have been afraid to leave their rose-covered cottages for fear of being slain. We need more Bobbies on the beat and several more coroners in green overalls and shower caps to cope with the crime here.”

A spokesman for Jeremy Corbyn said: “Stop and search should only be used in exceptional circumstances. We need to look at the reasons behind these crimes, like poverty and lack of opportunity to reach the top of the Midsomer Victoria Sponge Society or Lace-Making Group, which can make people feel marginalised and driven to crime.”

The Queen will be evacuated to Framlingham Castle if Brexit goes bad

The Editor
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The Queen will be evacuated to Framlingham Castle if Brexit goes bad

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The Queen will be evacuated to the safety of Framlingham Castle in Suffolk if rioting breaks out after Brexit, we can reveal.

Her Majesty will be safe within the confines of the castle, which she was given on the occasion of her 90th birthday.

If protesters take to the streets, she will be airlifted by helicopter from Buckingham Palace or Windsor and dropped off at Framlingham Castle, which was the subject of local lad Ed Sheeran’s famous Castle on The Hill song.

The astonishing plans were leaked to the Suffolk Gazette as it was revealed Britain had re-engaged Cold War evacuation planning because of Brexit.

Framlingham Castle

Evacuation planner Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We have plans to protect all important figures like the Queen. She owns Framlingham Castle, which is seen as a safe haven because it is in sleepy rural Suffolk.

“She will remain within the safe confines of the castle walls until everyone stops rioting.”

Local Royal watcher Roy Everett said he was looking forward to welcoming the Queen.

“She will be made to feel safe here in Suffolk. There won’t be much rioting going on around these parts.”

The Suffolk Gazette scooped all the national press three years ago when we revealed Her Majesty had been given Framlingham Castle for a 90th birthday present by a grateful nation.

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