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Only 167 Brexit votes until Christmas

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There are now only 167 Brexit votes left until Christmas, excited children have found.

The magical day is tantalisingly close and youngsters everywhere are beside themselves.

Mum Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “My two have been chalking off the Brexit votes since then end of March.

“After the two latest votes last night, they decided to count up the remaining votes and realised there were only 167.

“They began running around the house screaming with joy.”

Ms Fisher, from Ipswich, said her children couldn’t wait to wake up on December 25th and forget about Brexit for one day.

“They have become a little impatient with the whole thing,” she explained.

Hat tip to MP Dr Rosena Allin-Khan for this joke!

Prehistoric tribe discovered alive and well in Norfolk

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Norfolk tribe

Backwater: A tribal home found deep in the Norfolk countryside

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Reporter

A prehistoric, mud-hut-dwelling tribe has been found living peacefully in the wilds of Norfolk.

Named Homo Canariensis by excited university boffins, the large family group was discovered close to Thetford, where it has lived for 5,000 years since the Neolithic Age.

It is not believed the Norfolk species has the intelligence or skill to work the nearby flint mine, but the simple tribe is now known to have occupied mud homes built into the soil for many years. They feed on bats and decomposing leaves.

Experts say that as waves of invading immigrants swept through Britain, including the Celts, Romans, Saxons and Normans, few of the Ancient Britons survived – but in backwaters like Norfolk, life has continued virtually unchanged for millennia.

In fact, recent DNA fingerprinting raised suspicions the tribe had never died out at all, with indicators showing it was still present within the genome of isolated populations all over Norfolk. Only now has the tribe been seen for the first time. The Suffolk Gazette has been asked to keep the exact location a secret.

Possessing long arms and additional digits to each limb, the Homo Canariensis hands and feet are webbed, conferring an advantage when wading through the boggy fenlands. The unusually small cranial cavity means that this poor, unfortunate creature has a very small brain and so is unable to develop basic commercial and social skills or even simple physical skills like football.

Professor Lorraine Fisher, 34, head of history at the University of Suffolk, was delighted with the discovery. She said: “If prehistoric man can survive virtually unchanged in Norfolk it may be possible that wolves and bears are still at large in Thetford Forest. Perhaps the auroch cattle and giant elk may also have survived as well.

“Vast tracts of uncharted land remains north of Diss, so there is no telling who or what else may be discovered as we continue our work.”

How and why you should launch your startup in Suffolk

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Launching a new business is a serious undertaking, no matter how much prior experience you have. If you are preparing to launch your first startup, you will inevitably have to do a lot of learning on your feet. However, the more you can prepare yourself beforehand, the easier you will find it to pick things up as you go.

In fact, the choices that you make during the earliest stages of your business will significantly impact how smoothly your first year of operations proceeds. Good planning will go a long way to making sure that you are able to launch without a hitch and give you the best chance of surviving those treacherous first few months when your business is at its most vulnerable.

One of the most important decisions you will have to make as you prepare to launch your business is where you will base your business. Whether your business is going to operate out of a brick and mortar premises or you are planning on delivering your services remotely, choosing the right base of operations is an important decision. When choosing a home for your business, you need to think about more than just the practical considerations.

Lots of entrepreneurs will found their businesses in the area where they live, or in an area that they have a connection with. While these can both be advantages in their own right, you should also consider what’s on offer in terms of support and funding. By this measure, Suffolk is one of the best places in the UK to start a business.

Why You Should Choose Suffolk

One of the biggest challenges any new business in the UK faces is finding support. A decade of austerity has led to a significant reduction in the availability of grants and other sources of support and funding that were once prevalent throughout the country. Now that these are gone, businesses are left to fend for themselves. While some feel the central government has let entrepreneurs down, local authorities have picked up the slack, in some areas at least.

Suffolk is one of the best places in the UK to launch a startup, not just because of the variety of support options that are available, but also because of its proximity to London. Travel between Suffolk and London is relatively cheap and only two and a half hours away by train. Suffolk is also a relatively affluent area with a wealthy local client base, but there are plenty of affordable accommodation options.

As well as its desirable location, startups in Suffolk can also benefit from a number of local initiatives that exist to support fledgeling businesses. For example, there is the East of England Energy Zone. The East of England is the perfect place for wind offshore wind farms, as well as gas and nuclear energy facilities. Businesses looking to enter into the energy sector can qualify for rates relief and other benefits, including free support and advice and funding of up to £500,000.

Another reason that Suffolk is an exciting place for entrepreneurs to invest in and launch their startups is its shifting demographics. Around a third of the businesses launched in Suffolk over the last two years have been targeting over-50s. This is reflective of a broader national trend, but where Suffolk differs from the rest of the country is that there are a growing number of young entrepreneurs looking to start businesses immediately after finishing school, college, or university.

Many of the younger entrepreneurs who have made Suffolk their home are starting what we would call “non-traditional” businesses. These include businesses that are focused on delivering online services and creative businesses like textile printing, music, and other media-based industries. The one thing that all these Suffolk startups have in common is access to the unique support infrastructure that exists in the county.

Defining Your Business’s Purpose

Hopefully, if you are planning on launching a business of your own, you will already have a good idea of what your business will be doing. Whether you are planning on opening a retail store, a marketing agency, or any other type of business, you need to define what sets your business apart from your competitors. To do this, you will need to clearly set out your goals and establish exactly what the purpose of your business is.

Every business should have a business plan. A business plan is a document that sets out what you want to achieve and how you will go about achieving it. By keeping your business plan updated to reflect your progress, it can also serve as a roadmap. However, while your business plan is an excellent way of defining and measuring your business goals, it is important to also have personal aspirations.

You should be aiming to get more out of your business than just money. Launching and running your own business is a difficult undertaking – if you aren’t getting anything out of it on a personal level, then you are going to find it a very difficult slog. Think about what you want to get out of this as a person and how you can go about achieving it.

Getting Your Admin in Order

Different businesses will have different admin requirements. Some business types require an inordinate amount of paperwork just to get the doors open, whereas others won’t have to fill out a single form. You may also need to consider how you will provide new workers with the training that they need. For example, consider whether IPAF courses will be beneficial to your business – if your startup is going to be operating out of a warehouse or in another environment that requires the use of powered access platforms, then you should consider IPAF courses for new workers.

The last thing you want is to launch your business, only to discover that you have overlooked a piece of important paperwork and now have to put your plans on hold. Do your research beforehand and make sure that you have identified every piece of documentation that you will need to open your doors legally.

Local Marketing

When you first begin trading as your new startup, it makes sense to target your local market first and foremost. Local marketing is a very different beast to your general marketing and needs to be approached in a particular way.

Social media marketing is ideal for boosting your local profile because you can micro-target your campaigns so that your marketing content is being shown mostly or only to people for who it is relevant. There’s no sense in advertising your local business to people on the other side of the country.

The way that you launch a new business will have a significant bearing on the trajectory that it ends up on. The more time you take beforehand to prepare yourself, and the more care you take with every major decision, the better the chances of your business surviving through that first year of vulnerability. Suffolk is a wonderful location to choose as your business’s home. If you are planning on launching your business here, make sure you check out what kind of support is available from the local authority.

World will end if it messes with Canning Town again

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XR protestor kicks an East Ender trying to drag him off a commuter train

The human race will become extinct and the world will implode in a fireball if anyone ever messes with Canning Town again, it has emerged.

Extinction Rebellion protestors realised today there is something far more life-threatening than climate change – the working classes from the East End.

As self-entitled middle-class XR dissenters climbed on the roof of Underground trains at Canning Town, they were soon dragged off and roughed up by the baying locals.

East End historian Lorriane Fisher, 34, said: “Everyone knows you don’t mess with East Enders.

“Quite why Extinction Rebellion thought it was a good idea to hold up commuter trains there when locals were trying to get to work is beyond me.

“People in Canning Town are honest, working-class people who just want to earn a living for their family. Stand in their way and you’re asking for trouble.

“This is what happens when XR protests meet real life.”

https://twitter.com/The_Real_Keyser/status/1184746851263754240

East Ender Terry Cheesewright, 45, said: “If a geezer climbs on my train, I’ll make him extinct.”

The East End of London is a famously tough place, and observers all agree targeting the area for climate change protests is probably not a good idea.

Professional drinking now the only sport Scotland is still good at

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Drinking is only remaining Scottish national sport

Scotland’s dismal exit from the Rugby World Cup has confirmed the only sport the nation is good at is drinking.

With Scotland’s football team also failing to impress in the Euro Qualifiers, currently behind even Cyprus, sports fans north of the border have turned to drink.

But what good drinkers they are!

Sports expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Heavy drinking has been a national sport in Scotland for hundreds of years. Scottish men and certainly the women excel at it.

“The English might think they can pack it away, but come on, the Scots have boozing sewn up.

“Just let them have some sporting success with the drinking. It’s all they’ve got.”

Scotland crashed out of the Rugby World Cup today when they were beaten by rugby giants, Japan.

Coleen Rooney joins next series of Line of Duty

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Colleen Rooney
Colleen Rooney on Line of Duty

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Coleen Rooney will star in Line of Duty after her brilliant detective work allegedly exposed Rebekah Vardy as the source of her Instagram leaks to The Sun.

Wayne Rooney’s missus will join ace detectives Det Sgt Steve Arnott and Det Insp Kate Fleming as they attempt to crack another case of betrayal.

Coleen caused an internet sensation when she alleged Leicester striker Jamie Vardy’s other half was behind leaks to The Sun.

She thought it was one of her private Instagram followers, suspected Rebekah, blocked everyone else and planted some false stories to see if they appeared in the media. With only Rebekah allegedly able to see them, the fake stories duly appeared.

Now her police detective skills have landed her a starring role in the next hit BBC series, where Supt Ted Hastings will no doubt be surprised when she walks into the incident room, declaring: “Mother of God.”

BBC insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Executives were impressed with Colleen’s policing skills. It’s this sort of lateral thinking that gets results and, therefore, her appearance in Line of Duty is entirely believable.”

The Suffolk Gazette was unable to get a comment from Colleen, which is surprising because we follow her private Instagram account.

Pizza Express runs out of dough

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Pizza Express is on the verge of collapse after running out of dough, it has emerged.

The restaurant chain is said to owe £1.1 billion and has called in financial advisers ahead of talks with creditors.

Pizza expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “A company that relies on dough has run out it.

“There may be a chance of restructuring the debt, but it’s just as likely the company could be sliced up.”

Meanwhile, fans are already suggesting that because pizzas are Italian, Brexit is to blame for the crisis.

Idiot Steve Walshe said: “It’s a national disgrace. The Government should step in and nationalise Pizza Express, saving it for the nation.

“It managed to find a fleet of planes to rescue stranded Thomas Cook passengers, so why can’t it get together a fleet of mopeds to carry our pizza deliveries?”

The Suffolk Gazette resolutely refuses to do any more pizza jokes, because that would be too cheesy.

Saints set to hand Vegas grand final chance in bid to level playing field

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Johnny Vegas (Photo: Wikimedia Commons)

Famous St Helens rugby league fan and comedian Johnny Vegas will be named in the starting line-up alongside his heroes in this season’s Super League Grand Final, as the club look to make a contest of a game that otherwise wouldn’t be.

St Helens reached their first Super League Grand Final since 2014 by thrashing reigning champions Wigan, their third victory over the Warriors this season. If there was any doubt as to just how big a gap there has been between the Saints and the rest of the league this season, they never looked worried against the league’s second-best side during their easy win.

Vegas, a lifelong Saints fan, made an off-the-cuff joke to club officials after a long lunch – one which will now see him line up at hooker in this season’s Grand Final. The 49-year old may not have the pace he was once blessed with, something that came in useful during his time as a door-to-door boiler insurance salesman, but the thought is that Vegas’ experience will see him hold his own against players half his age and double his muscle mass.

Having made his debut for Saints in 2005, when Vegas appeared in Kieron Cunningham’s testimonial, not to mention Sky 1’s Duck Quacks Don’t Echo, the occasion isn’t something expected to trouble the veteran. What will likely give St Helens’ opponents a chance will be later in the game when Vegas may tire, but when you look at this season it’s likely the gap will be big enough by that point that it won’t stop Saints from lifting the trophy.

St Helens, who are now as short as 3/10 to lift the Super League Trophy with the latest rugby league odds, may well be one of the best teams we’ve seen in this league for a while. So much so that there are rumours beginning to circulate suggesting other celebrity fans, actor Ricky Tomlinson and darts player Stephen Bunting, could be named on the bench by head coach Justin Holbrook.

The Australian, who will return to Australia to join the Gold Coast Titans at the end of the season, has always wanted to go out on a high, which could now mean Jim from The Royle Family scoring a last-minute, field-length interception.

While fairness isn’t applicable in sports, this St Helens team has ticked every box this season and couldn’t be in a stronger position heading into this crucial part of the campaign. With Vegas, and potentially Tomlinson and Bunting, in the team, you’d have to say St Helens won’t be quite as strong as they have been for much of the season.

But based on just how big a gap there is between Saints and the rest of the league, you’d have to say it will probably take a lot more than a couple of overweight middle-aged men in their midfield to weaken this team enough to give their opponents even a sniff of walking away from Old Trafford with as champions.