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German WW2 soldier found living in forest

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World Exclusive
By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

A German WW2 soldier has been found alive and well in a Suffolk forest, still believing there is a war on.

The astonishing discovery was made by a group of primary school children on a nature trail.

They stumbled across Hans Up as he snoozed on a hammock tied between two pine trees in Rendlesham Forest, near Woodbridge.

Herr Up tried to run but fell out of the hammock with his legs caught in the rope. He sat up, gave a Heil Hitler salute and asked the amazed eight-year-olds: “How’s it going on the Eastern Front?”

Police were called, together with members of the local Territorial Army in order to interrogate the dazed German.

When the first officer on the scene shouted: “Hands Up!”, the baffled Nazi veteran replied: “Yes, that’s me.”

The confusion was soon sorted, and Hans Up told his gripping story.

He had been on a bombing run heading for Ipswich in April 1944 when his Dornier bomber was shot down as it flew over the Suffolk coast near Hollesley.

Herr Up, now a sprightly 89 years old, said he managed to eject and parachute to safety, landing in a cabbage field near Sudbourne. He ran into the nearby Rendlesham Forest and has been hiding there ever since.

For 71 years he has been living rough in the forest, feeding on rabbit, deer and nicking fruit and vegetables from nearby farms, and dreaming of rejoining his comrades in the fight against the Allies.

He was still wearing his Nazi uniform when he was found, although it was a little torn and in need of a wash.

 

 

Hans Up surrenders to Melton Primary School children

After a medical check-up at Ipswich Hospital, Herr Up was given the shocking news that the Second World War had ended badly for Germany in 1945.

 

He then listened in wonder when staff from the German Embassy in London brought him up to speed on world events.

 

Diplomat Herman Snoring said: “He was amazed that England had not only defeated Germany in the war but also that England went on to win the World Cup in 1966.

“But what he really found difficult to believe was that Norwich City FC won a trophy in 1985.”

Herr Up was single when he was shot down and now has no known family back in Frankfurt, his former home.

He is being cared for by embassy staff as they continue to bring him up to speed with the modern world.

“It’s all new to him – the internet, modern vehicles, television, The One Show…he’s in awe of it all right now.

“But he’s in great condition, and says he wants to write a book about his 70 years in hiding.”

Experts are now looking into suggestions that the famous Rendlesham Forest UFO incident in 1980 when airmen from a nearby US airbase claimed they saw alien lights, could actually have been Herr Up cooking a rabbit on a fire.

We have ways of making you drink tea

 

Kevin Painter launching takeover talks at Ipswich Town

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Professional darts player Kevin “The Artist” Painter is rumoured to be drawing up proposals to buy out Ipswich Town owner, Marcus Evans, and take charge of his boyhood club.

Painter, 51, has been a season ticket holder at Portman Road for many years, standing in the Sir Bobby Robson Lower through the years of discontent that have characterised the Marcus Evans era. Painter hopes his bulldog-like appearance will foster a never-say-die spirit on and off the pitch as the Tractor Boys plan for life in League One.

Painter is by no means the most successful darts player of his generation. He was a runner-up in the 2004 PDC World Darts Championship and has also won the Players Championship Finals back in 2011. Most darts betting experts discussing the 2020 World Darts Championship have priced Painter at 1000/1 to prevail at Ally Pally this winter.

It is thought that Painter’s takeover plans centre around his consortium upsetting those odds and using the winnings from a £10 bet to buy out the reclusive Evans.

ITFC ground

It is thought that, with the spare change from Painter’s takeover deal, he would afford boss Paul Lambert with a transfer war chest of £5,000. This would raise eyebrows with the Ipswich faithful, who have become accustomed to feel grateful to watching Evans flog their top brass and replace them with antiques and freebies from the bargain basement.

Evans has also courted controversy regarding his Olympic ticketing sales for the 2016 Rio Olympic Games. The closest Painter has come to breaking the rules was buying tickets for two tables for a booze-up at Frimley Green for the BDO World Championships and not using them.

On the oche, Painter looks keen to juggle his potential commitments at Portman Road with another few years on the PDC and exhibition circuit. He recently agreed a new three-year contract with Winmau, the company that have had him on their books since 2015. He said there is “no brand that supports their players better than Winmau in the [darts] industry and nothing is ever too much trouble for them”.

Tractor Boys and Girls will be crossing their fingers that Painter’s ability to negotiate a lucrative contract despite such a barren spell with his arrows will bode well in the boardroom at Portman Road. Painter’s immediate priority will be to tie Alan Judge down to a new deal that will keep the Irishman in Suffolk for at least another two years. Speaking of barren form, Painter won’t need to worry about contract negotiations with Town’s crocked, goal-shy frontman Freddie Sears, who managed to do enough to earn a 12-month extension weeks before doing his ACL in a freak incident against Norwich in the Old Farm Derby.

With Painter’s interest in taking the Portman Road helm now common knowledge, it is also thought to have sparked another interested party into life. A consortium, led by Suffolk-based former keyboard player Rick Wakeman is also said to be in talks. The ivory-tinkler will be hoping Evans says “YES” to the consortium’s plans to replace Paul Lambert with Gary Megson in a bid to bring the crowds back for Town’s assault on a mid-table League One finish.

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Norfolk family ‘disgusted’ at seeing a giant mouse in Disneyland restaurant

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A furious family from Norfolk has demanded Disneyland Paris call in pest controllers after spotting a giant mouse in a resort restaurant.

Billy Spuckler, his sister Dolly and their five children were on their first ever trip abroad, and had been looking forward to Disney for months.

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But after arriving at the Paris theme park they were in for a big shock.

“We decided to go for a meal and were disgusted to see a giant five-foot mouse in the restaurant, wandering about bold as brass,” Mr Spuckler explained.

“The staff didn’t do anything about it. They seemed pleased it was there.

“Other guests also seemed happy to see it. It’s disgusting that a mouse is in a restaurant like that. I complained to Disney representatives and told them to get pest controllers in, or at least set a trap.

“We left the park straight away and won’t ever go back. It’ll be Great Yarmouth for us this summer holiday.”

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Lorraine Fisher, 34, from the Disney communications department, confirmed there had been an unfortunate incident with a family from Norfolk.

“They did take exception when Mickey Mouse walked into the restaurant to greet guests. Thankfully Minnie wasn’t with him or they would have gone apoplectic.”

The complaint could put Disney off from opening a new theme park in Norfolk.

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Fury as free pizzas and beer delivered to Brexit-voting MPs in Commons tonight

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MPs voting on yet another load of Brexit amendments tonight will scoff free pizza and beer delivered to the House of Commons at our expense.

Taxpayers, who are fed up with MPs dithering over Brexit, will foot the bill for 700 large pizzas from Domino’s, which will be delivered to the House of Commons on a fleet of scooters.

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Greedy MPs will then wash down the tasty dishes with bottles of ale ordered from a nearby Tesco Express.

Campaigners on both sides of the Brexit debate are furious that MPs are being rewarded for doing bugger all except sitting around kicking the leave/remain debate can down the road.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s an insult to the British people that MPs have their snouts in the trough yet again, just for staying late in the office.

“Why should they tuck in to free pizza when there are millions of people starving up and down the country? People, incidentally, who would have done a far better job sorting the Brexit mess out.”

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It is understood Theresa May has requested a ham and pineapple option while Jeremy Corbyn prefers a cheese and tomato pizza.

The free grub and booze will be paid out from the Fair Use Catering Kitchen Order Freebie Fund, or FUCKOFF for short.

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Cash4Life versus set for life lotteries: which are better?

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We’ve all dreamed of winning the lottery. We’ve spent hours, maybe even days, throughout our lifetimes planning what we’d do if we ever got lucky enough to have our numbers come up.

For some of us, the ultimate goal would be to own a Ferrari or lay our heads down in a sprawling country mansion. For others, the fantasy is a little more altruistic: setting up a horse sanctuary, or being able to fund the ambitions of the people we love.

But did you know that bog-standard lotteries are not the only way to win big? Unlike the traditional lotteries we’re familiar with, there are a number of others out there, some of which pay out not just once, but in regular intervals for a period of years. Seeking to change the lives of those who win, their aim is to set you up forever. Intrigued and want to find out a little more? Here are two you need to know about.

Available to UK residents, Set for Life turns on a pretty unique concept: the top prize is not a lump sum of money, but a means of changing your life forever. Having just launched on 15th March this year, its tickets are priced at £1.50 and can be bought both in-store and online. The way it works is simple: you choose five numbers between one and 47, and an additional ‘life ball’ number between one and 10. Match all six and you’ll receive an astonishing £10,000 per month for the next 30 years. We can’t think of many things more enticing than that!

Cash4Life

Intriguingly, the Set for Life lottery is not the only one that’s changing the way we play. Cash4Life works on a similar principle. A lottery betting game from Lottoland – where you bet on the outcome of an existing lottery game – it’s even more lucrative than its counterpart, paying out £1,000 a day for the rest of each winner’s life. Second prize is pretty profitable too: £1,000 a month for as long as the runner-up lives. The game revolves around the New York Cash4Life Lottery, and playing is simple. Costing £2.50 per ticket, players must pick five numbers from one to 60, as well as an extra ‘cash ball’ from one to four.

Set for Life vs Cash4Life

Of course, this poses something of a conundrum for those who want to play one of these ‘lifetime lotteries’. The good news is that both Set for Life and Cash4Life offer many boons, so you can’t really go wrong with either. The major upside to them is that you’re not at risk of going wild and spending your winnings all in one go, so you can stay safe in the knowledge that you have a steady and reliable income to fall back on.   

However, one area where the latter undoubtedly reigns supreme is the size of the prize pot. Whilst £10,000 a month for 30 years is nothing to be sneered at, £1,000 a day for the remainder of your life definitely works out better – a fact backed up by the figures. Indeed, the difference is marked, with those who win the Set for Life pot walking away £3.6 million richer after three decades of payouts, compared to Cash4Life winners coming out almost £11 million in the black after the same amount of time.

Tell us, were you to ever buy or bet on the winning ticket, what would you spend your prize money on?

I’ve been chitting potatoes (well I am a vegetarian)

Digging for victory

The latest column from our star gardening columnist, Jeremy Corbyn MP.

Morning, comrades

These past few weeks I chitted in the spare room, the dining room and on the living room window sill. Many elderly gardeners find themselves doing it. It’s the best way to bring on our spuds.

I’m a little late with this chore as I keep getting interrupted down the allotment by something called Brexit, which is giving everyone the chits.

To chit your seed spuds, you lay them in an egg box with their eyes pointing up just like I do when some Tory twerp asks something awkward at Prime Minister’s Question Time. I like to think the eyes always have it, unless I disagree, in which case we should have another vote.

You can just lay them on a tray, but I place mine on top of the left-wing Morning Star. I wouldn’t want to blight them with any of the popular papers. Then simply leave somewhere light until they sprout into little plants, ready to pop in the ground or a container.

Which varieties? Avoid Davidus Camerona, as it is apt to bolt. And I never grow King Edwards because I can’t stand those poncey royals. If you’re a trade unionist, you may wish to grow Desiree, as they are scab resistant.

I’ve been attempting to prune back the May bush which is going through a difficult time with pests all around it like Govegrub and the virulent Boris worm. The Prime Minister needs to get rid of all the perennial weeds around her before they entirely take over.

This is the time to cut back your roses, nice and hard, as fellow allotment keeper Mrs Abbott taught me many years ago. Give the allotment a good mulching with compost, wood chips or composted straw. It just needs a good fork in.

We’ve had trouble with people nicking our hispi cabbages on the allotments but I am against putting up borders of any kind….well I might consider a picket fence.

As soon as we know the frost has gone, I will be giving you tips on getting ready for the hanging baskets, which can now be made up of tumbling tomatoes or chillis, not just pretty trailing flowers. There are certainly a few baskets I would like to hang, well, if I wasn’t such a pacifist.

I had a lovely trip to Morecambe and took the usual tourist photo with the statue of Eric Morecambe. I thought of us as Morecambe and Wise. It was a lovely way to avoid that march in London with all those remainers in their Pringle jumpers and Hotter shoes.

Anyway, I am going to get my dibber out and get stuck in.

Happy gardening, comrades.

Theresa May furious as Scotland boss takes just 90 minutes to leave Europe

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Theresa May has demanded to know how Scotland managed to exit Europe in only 90 minutes.

The Prime Minister noted with a mixture of envy and fury that Scotland manager Alex McLeish orchestrated an orderly exit by simply losing 3-0 to mighty Kazakhstan in the European Championship qualifier yesterday.

While Mrs May has taken three years to get absolutely nowhere, Mr McLeish sorted it all out in an hour and a half.

If there was any doubt about Scotland’s ultimate shut-out from Europe, the team have to play San Marino this weekend. And if that’s not tricky enough, it’s Cyprus in June.

Political commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Brexiteers have looked at Alex McLeish and asked, ‘Why isn’t he in charge of Brexit?’

“It’s clear Britain wouldn’t be in this mess if he was. We would have left Europe in no time at all.”

Scotland were 2-0 down within 10 minutes in Kazakhstan, a country so rubbish at football it is ranked 117th in the world.

Quite how McLeish masterminded the result will go down in European history.

3 ways Ipswich is better than London

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We already know that humble Ipswich is not only the greatest town in the South East but also the entire country.

While the overcrowded, overpriced, and over-polluted capital might hog all of the limelight, it is actually Suffolk that houses the most fascinating and lively metropolis of these islands. With a history stretching back thousands of years and a leading role in countless important historical events, true culture vultures would be better off avoiding the Big Smoke altogether and heading straight to our sunny shores.

Here are the three indisputable ways that Ipswich is better than London.

History 

Sure, the Tower of London and St Paul’s Cathedral might look impressive, but once you’ve elbowed your way through the crowds of gawking tourists, there really isn’t that much to get excited about. Our history is so rich that we don’t need to make a big song and dance about it. One of the grandest historical buildings in town, Ancient House, currently houses a branch of Lakeland Plastics.

Our monument to the Russian Prince Alexander, who fled the Communists to make a new home in Ipswich, is a grey, muted slab tucked away in an obscure corner of town. The same goes for our statue of Cardinal Wolsey, the Tudor Kingmaker who was born here. When you have as much history as Ipswich, you don’t need to bang on about it.

Nightlife 

Rather than having to face-off against brutal bouncers and merciless door policies at the exclusive, glitzy nightclubs of the capital, you can have the night of your life in Ipswich without the unnecessary stress. Instead of trying your luck at Fabric you can just head to Unit 17, formerly known as a branch of Liquid Envy. Whilst the always-rowdy Unit 17 humbly bills itself as “the only nightclub in Ipswich”, there are plenty of other raucous options for the keen nightcrawler.

If your idea of a good time is the night at the casino, you can be a high roller without having to dress up in a tuxedo. The town centre has not one, but two branches of the small casino chain Cashino, which one online reviewer described as “okay”, so you know they must be good. While these hotspots might not offer the glamour of the roulette table, people looking to channel their inner James Bond can always play roulette online, without having to step out onto the mean street of Ipswich.

Architecture  

Last but not least is Ipswich’s stunning architectural heritage. Any true connoisseur would agree that the skyscrapers of Canary Wharf look gauche in comparison to the elegant Willis Building, one of Norman Foster’s first ever commissions. Similarly, the sprawling glass complex that houses the county council, Endeavour House, surely puts The Shard to shame.

Stepping further back in time, architecture fans can soak up the soaring tower of the Medieval St Mary-le-Tower church, or simply walk a little further down to road to take in 3-5 Silent Street, the oldest house in all of Ipswich, which dates back to 1480.

As you can see, Ipswich really does have a lot to offer both tourists and locals. Next time you’re considering getting a train down to London for the weekend, remember that anything they can do, we can do better.