Wednesday, October 15, 2025
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Professional pub drinkers call for amateur Christmas drinkers ban

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Part-time Christmas drinkers
Amateur drinkers getting in everyone else’s way

Pot-bellied professional drinkers have demanded that part-time Christmas drinkers be banned from pubs because they haven’t got a clue what they’re doing.

“They know nothing about pub etiquette,” complained Steve Walshe from his regular seat at the corner of the bar in the Partridge and Whistle.

“For two weeks a year, they come in without a clue about how to order at the bar, where to stand or how to behave in general.

“Worse still, they can’t handle their booze and are roaring drunk after ten minutes, making a spectacle of themselves and becoming even more boorish.

“They should be banned, or at the least only allowed in between 3pm and 4pm on a weekday.”

Barmaid Lorraine Fisher, 34, added: “Once-a-year Christmas drinkers are uneducated in the well-established art of pub drinking.

“Being asked to pour 15 glasses of Prosecco, three red wines, eight pints of lager and 10 Sambucas by a drunk woman from accounts while poor regular Clive is waiting for another pint of bitter is not fair.

“And these amateurs are always the first to throw up in the toilets.”

eBay lists thousands of used Social Media Echo Chambers for sale

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social media echo chamber
A Facebook user testing his Social Media Echo Chamber

Online auction site eBay has become inundated with listings for used Social Media Echo Chambers (SMECs).

The SMECs have all been switched on pretty much 24/7 since the general election was called.

But now it seems they have run their course.

Despite claims the vast majority appear to lean a little to the left and that they do no work, the owners are hoping to cash in while they can.

Facebook and Twitter user Lorraine Fisher, 34, has used her SMEC relentlessly for weeks now.

“I really believed it was working well because lots of people were liking or replying to my messages of political wisdom.

“However, it now seems those people were simply of the same political persuasion as me, and my eternal lecturing made no difference at all to the political landscape.

“This has come as a complete shock because I am entitled to be right and everyone else is uneducated.

“But I am now determined to sell my Social Media Echo Chamber because I need the money.

“I’m not going to get any from Jeremy Corbyn’s magic money tree, after all.”

eBay executive Adrian Day said: “We’ve currently got thousands of the things listed. There’s no way we will shift them now.”

Remainers insist opinion has shifted already and demand second general election vote

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house of commons

Vocal remainers say voters who swept the Conservatives to victory last night were misinformed, have changed their mind already and now deserve a second election vote.

Angry remainer Lorraine Fisher, 34, who spent recent years preaching in a social media echo chamber, claims it is only fair that a second vote is held.

She refuses to accept that the majority view is opposite to her own, and thinks Brexit will ruin the country even though, for a second time, the public has shown it wants to get it done.

“I am right and I am entitled to lecture everyone else on social media, 24/7. Everyone else is ignorant, uneducated and misinformed, making last night’s vote morally wrong.

“There must, therefore, be a second vote, and a third one if that one goes tits up, too.”

Stop Brexit megaphone man Steve Bray is now set to shout at everyone for months outside Parliament, screaming: “Stop democracy” over every TV news interview.

Megaphone bore Steve Bray

Remainers shocked that the Suffolk Gazette has the audacity to publish this story are advised they can get all the anti-democratic “satire” they want on NewsThump, The Daily Mash, and the Rochdale Herald.

Annoyingly, everyone on social media thinks you want to know they have voted

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polling station

All your annoying friends have clogged up your social media feeds with the revelation that they have gone out and voted, it has emerged.

They seem to think the rest of us are fascinated to know they have taken the trouble to exercise their democratic right.

Many have also used the opportunity to tell us which way we should vote, too.

Social media user Lorraine Fisher, 34, sighed: “The majority of adults in Britain vote at a general election.

“So quite why people think we’re intrigued to know they have voted today is beyond me.

“Some even take a selfie outside the polling station, just in case we had no idea what voting is about.

“And if one more person crops up on Facebook telling me why I’d be ignorant not to agree with their political views, I shall scream.”

Political experts have reassured Ms Fisher and other users of Facebook and Twatter that things are not likely to improve any time soon.

One explained: “Those who backed the losing side will spend the next weeks crying about how everyone else was wrong or somehow duped by false information.”

Business tips for growing SMEs

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growing a business

Running a small or medium-sized enterprise comes with a whole host of challenges which larger corporations do not need to face. Growing the company successfully can be one of those challenges. Here are some business tips you can use when trying to grow your SME.

Focus on your niche

When you started your business, it would have been to focus on one particular area. You might have noticed a gap in the market for a certain product or service and started your company to build on that. As the business naturally grew, you might have been tempted to add in some others.

While this is sensible as it does encourage business growth, it can be dangerous if you try to add too much all at once. By limiting what your business can offer, you can focus on making those assets the best they can possibly be. It will nearly always be better for you to offer several specialised and expert services over many mediocre ones.

Have enough space

One problem a business can run into when they expand too quickly is that they can be left without enough space. Employees can end up cramped together in too-small offices or they may even be left without desks in some extreme situations.

Finding new office space can be difficult, especially if you are jumping up quite significantly to accommodate for a new influx of staff, so you might have to look into some alternate solutions. Self storage options can be great if you need somewhere to store office documents or supplies for manufacture. If you have a lot of new staff, you might want to start by offering them flexible working or a work-from-home schedule so they are always going to be as comfortable as possible.

Sort out your SEO

Frustrated with the amount of traffic your website has? If you want to grow your business then you are going to need the traffic to do so. Whether you are hiring an SEO specialist to be a permanent part of your team or you acquire the services of an agency for some quick fixes, there is plenty you can do to help.

There are several key areas you can make improvements without their expertise. For example, you should fill in your Google My Business information. This is a free tool from Google which can provide many key pieces of information to customers about your business. A description of the business, reviews, and opening times are all key areas which can be added to this. These can make your business all the more visible on Google and can be a great start when trying to actively grow your business.

Social media

The world of social media has many opportunities for businesses so it is important that you learn how to use them to your fullest advantage. Instagram is one of the biggest social media platforms of the moment. It allows you to reach an amazing number of people all while displaying and demonstrating your products fully. No matter what your business might be, if you have a product to sell you should definitely take a look at what Instagram can offer you.

Growing an SME is likely to be a marathon and not a sprint. Make sure that everything is planned out properly so you can be certain that an expansion like this is going to go off without a hitch. No matter how much you are planning to grow your business, it will always be worth it in the end. Use some of the tips listed above and get ready to expand your SME now.

Redistributing the £4bn Houses of Parliament refurb could instead help Suffolk’s housing crisis

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Redistributing, or matching, the £4bn that is to be spent on the Houses of Parliament renovation to help with the UK’s housing deficit could instead build 40,000 three-bed houses. This could house 121,000 of the UK’s homeless based on the UK average of three per property, Pure Commercial Finance’s research finds.

Cities in Suffolk that were analysed include Ipswich, whose housing deficit could be improved by 67%, Lowestoft by 169%, and Bury St Edmunds by a huge 281%, if the money was matched and spent on building affordable homes.

The research also uncovered that the average price to build a three-bedroom house in the UK is £99,843.75, based on internal data.

Ben Lloyd, Managing Director of Pure Commercial Finance has commented on this saying: “We deal with professional developers every day and we are well-aware of the demand for affordable housing across the UK and the influence that Brexit is having on borrowing.

“Although we would never suggest cancelling the refurbishment of such a prized national monument, we were shocked to see how matching the refurbishment budget could help towards solving the deficit.”

homeless person

Some smaller towns in the country could be housed four times over due to their smaller populations. Some of these towns include Caerphilly, Pontypridd, Barnstaple and Chichester.

Government figures reveal that 430,000 homes have been built since 2010, although housing charity, Shelter, estimates that there is still a deficit of 3.2m homes and suggests that there are still around 320,000 homeless in the UK – with 170,000 being in London alone.

Polly Neate, CEO of Shelter, has also commented on this by saying: “It is unforgivable that 320,000 people in the UK have been swept up by the housing crisis and now have no place to call home. These new figures show that homelessness is having a devastating impact on the lives of people right across the country.”

Boris Johnson agrees to one last TV appearance with the BBC

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Boris Johnson on Would I Lie to You?
Boris Johnson and the Would I Lie to You? stars, David Mitchell, Rob Brydon and Lee Mack

Boris Johnson has relented to mounting pressure and agreed to one last TV appearance with the BBC – on Would I Lie to You?

Mr Johnson has come under increasing pressure for avoiding scrutiny ahead of Thursday’s general election.

But he has chosen to appear on a programme where he will shine.

Telling porkies is the name of the game on the show hosted by Rob Brydon, and this time Mr Johnson can do so AND be applauded.

It’s not yet known if Mr Johnson will be on Lee Mack or David Mitchell’s team for the special episode, which airs on BBC1 tomorrow night.

BBC make-up artist Lorraine Fisher, 34, confirmed the Tory leader is a panellist on this week’s show.

“I did his blusher before filming. I didn’t have much time as I was detained by the other special guest, Prince Andrew, who was sweating profusely and needed it covering up.”

It is believed Mr Johnson didn’t do very well during the filming, with guests spotting he was lying from a mile off.

A show insider said: “The title of the show is Would I Lie to You?. And in Boris’ case, the answer is always, ‘Yes!'”

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Dear readers, before you get cross, we also regularly take the mickey out of Jeremy Corbyn.

Boris Johnson adds pavements to the many things he has mounted

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Boris Johnson mount pavement
Boris Johnson and pavement (Photo: European Cyclists Federation, licensed under CC BY 2.0)

By Bernie Legg, Cycling Correspondent

After a lifetime of mounting women, Boris Johnson now admits to mounting pavements as well.

The Prime Minister said mounting pavements was the naughtiest things he had ever done, in an interview with Sky’s Sophy Ridge.

Political observers suggested mounting women who were not his wife was probably naughtier than mounting a pavement.

“But it just goes to show that Boris will mount anything,” said political activist Lorraine Fisher, 34.

“Now, it’s becoming increasingly clear than Boris will f*ck the whole country in five days time.”

However, Conservative campaigners played down the admission.

One said: “Mounting a pavement surely is not as bad as running through a field of wheat?”