Norfolk’n idea where to go. Photo source: Norfolk’n idea either
By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent
There was widespread confusion in Norfolk today after this temporary road layout caused 15-mile tailbacks.
Motorists heading one way were forced to turn the other way before being turned around again.
Eventually, the whole damned mess blocked every possible exit and everyone is now stuck.
It is believed some drivers, who were either heading for Burnham Market in North Norfolk or Fakenham, have been sitting behind the wheel waiting for help since this morning.
Norfolk County Council roads expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “There are some major roadworks and so this is just a diversionary tactic.”
It’s expected that one of the signs will be removed shortly, leaving everyone to guess if it was the right one.
Going, going, gone. Boris Johnson in The Florida Post
The Suffolk Gazette has bought the rights to the Boris Johnson Diet Book and is proud to reveal the secrets that could change your life.
In a frank and detailed list of activities, the book will help you shed stones and run the country.
We will be serialising the book in order to extract every piece of value from it that we can. But here are the key ingredients:
* Kick start your regime by having three ounces of unruly hair chopped off.
* Cut out all that foreign muck, like French butter and pate, Danish bacon and German sausages.
* Eat a rival for breakfast.
* Jog whenever you see a photographer.
* Step up the proteins, like lean rare beef, venison, pheasant, smoked salmon and Russian Caviar.
* Eat less bread. Leave it for the poor people.
* Join your local Darius Guppy Boxercise Class.
* Have sex six times a day either with someone you love, like yourself, someone else’s wife or your new bird Carrie who put you on the diet and is compiling the book.
* Hang an old outfit from when you were slender on the wardrobe door to motivate you. It could be one of your wedding outfits or your uniform from the Bullingdon Club.
* Keep a straight banana in your trouser pocket for emergencies.
* Cut out the Hobnobbing and keep your hands off the millionaire’s shortbread.
* Mindfulness is important so meditate for twenty minutes listening to your own speeches while hypnotising yourself to your favourite place, ie Number 10 Downing Street.
* Lift weighty books like Churchill.
* Snack on meagre Iranian prison rations.
* Allow yourself a treat every night, like a glass of Champagne or a teaspoon of Tate and Lyle’s Icing Sugar, which you can sip in black coffee or snort until you give an energetic sneeze.
* Exercise your brain, too, by knocking off a ten-minute column for the Daily Telegraph.
* Don’t feel guilty about having a lie down when you need one. Lying can be very good for you.
The opening of Norfolk’s first ‘motorway’ has caused traffic chaos, it has emerged.
The super-highway across fields linking Downham Market and Norwich descended into farce when local yokels discovered they had no idea how to use it.
One man assumed his push-bike – one of the first newfangled two-wheel contraptions to be introduced in the county – had right of way on the new route.
But people wandering around aimlessly admiring the hedges also claimed they had the right of way.
The result was chaos with neither side clear what the rule of the road should be.
Norfolk traffic cop Sgt Bubba Spuckler said: “It will take a few years for this new motorway to settle in.
“The good news is it cuts down the travel time between Downham Market and Norwich to four days.”
Roads minister Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We gave Norfolk some money for their roads. It turns out they do not have roads so they opened a new footpath.”
The news comes after it emerged the A140 between Suffolk and Norfolk was being sponsored by Anusol because it’s a pain the in the arse.
Let’s be having you: mad woman invades Norwich pitch
In a shocking turn of events, the Suffolk Gazette reluctantly predicts that Norwich City will last THREE seasons in the Premier League.
Autumn, winter and spring.
Suffolk Gazette football columnist Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “This may come as something of a surprise to many, but we’re expecting our friends up the A140 to last three whole seasons in the top flight.
“They will start by finishing autumn, stroll through winter and then wrap things up by being relegated again after spring.
“Nothing can be certain in football, of course, but this is as close as we can be to being spot on.”
The yellow-and-green baboons got lucky last season because the Championship finished upside down, with Norwich fortunate to be top and East Anglian giants Ipswich Town unluckily ending up bottom.
No doubt the Carrow Road crowd will be the quietest in the Premier League, prompting the club’s owner, Delia Smith to make another embarrassing “Where are You?” screech on the pitch.
Norwich City will bag their first win of the new Premier League season in December when they play Sheffield United at home, today’s fixture list reveals.
The Canaries must wait until nearly Christmas before playing the fellow Premier minnows.
Fans will now be hoping the Carrow Road club picks up enough draws before then to keep them off the bottom of the table.
The Sheffield United fixture on December 7 is already the big “six-pointer” of the season and will define who finishes bottom of the Premier League this coming season.
Football fixture consultant Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Norwich fans might have hoped to face Sheffield United earlier in the season to get that first win under their belt.
“But the fixture list computer can be a cruel mistress. At least fans will only have to wait until March for the away game at Bramall Lane and a shot at a second win of the season.”
David Baddiel and Frank Skinner singing Three Irons on my short
David Baddiel and Frank Skinner are launching an updated version of their famous song to coincide with the Women’s World Cup – called Three Irons on My Shirt.
The hit single is being re-released with the Lightning Seeds, who performed the original Three Lions hit with the comic duo in 1996.
England’s Lionesses are currently roaring in France, where they beat Scotland 2-1 in their opening group match. They take on Argentina this weekend.
Now the whole country is backing them, singing: “Three irons on my shirt, Jules Rimet still gleaming…. etc etc.”
Three irons on my shirt
There has been some silly controversy over sexism when it comes to the Women’s World Cup, which the Suffolk Gazette takes no part in.
Some have complained no men were on the TV pundits team. Others question why results list England women, rather than just England. Still more are upset a man – Phil Neville – is the team manager.
England lionesses fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I am pleased a new version of the song is coming out. Three Irons makes it nice and different from the men’s version.
“It’s coming home.”
However, Steve Walshe, a man, added: “If it’s coming home, it better have got dinner sorted first.”
Netflix has announced that cocaine docudrama Narcos Westminster is to be released next month.
The show follows dangerous cocaine baron Michael Gove as he plots the downfall of his rivals in Westminster, only to fall from grace himself.
The previous series in the hit TV franchise chronicled the rise of Colombian crime lord Pablo Escobar and also the deadly cocaine trade in Mexico.
But producers expect the Narcos Westminster to be the biggest series yet.
Michael Gove cocaine
Director Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Michael Gove is the perfect real-life villain to follow. We see him go from a casual user of cocaine to a ruthless gangster who pretty much brought the whole country to its knees.
“Gove began to form the Westminster Cartel after his previous boss was deemed too nice, having done nothing naughtier than running through a field of wheat.”
One surprising scoop is that researchers unearthed evidence Gove had to dump two tonnes of cocaine into Suffolk’s rivers after being tailed by cops. It was this that caused surprise university boffins to discover traces of cocaine in the local shellfish population.
A show insider said: “This is a gripping series of Narcos. You won’t believe some of the stuff Gove and his cronies got up to.”
It is expected the first episode will be available on Netflix in the second week of July.
Cat ears are large so they are much better equipped to completely ignore you, scientists have confirmed.
The pet cat has 32 muscles in each ear and can move them independently, meaning the cat can still ignore you while looking the other way.
A study by the Feline Institute in Suffolk found domestic cats have developed cat-like hearing. They use it to become master hunters and to avoid trouble.
But the moment you tell it to move off the sofa or come over for a cuddle, your cat will become as deaf as a post.
Cat expert Professor Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Cat ears have developed as the ideal means to ignore their owners.
“They can hear them upstairs, sit by the back door and meow loudly to be let outside. Then, when someone comes along to open it for them, they walk the other way and go for a nap on the chair.”
The study shows cats like to believe they are in charge, whereas pet dogs are stupid and will do anything you want to please you.
