Whitehouse ahead: Prince Harry and Meghan (Photo: Mark Jones, CC 2.0)
By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor
Prince Harry has sensationally quit the Royal Family so he can run for President of the United States, it has emerged.
The Prince made a surprise announcement tonight that he and his wife were stepping back from senior Royal duties to spend more time in North America.
But the Suffolk Gazette can reveal the real reason is so the couple can switch from one country’s ruling family to head another.
Friends of Harry told us: “Harry and Meghan, like many in her own country of America, want to be rid of Donald Trump.
“Harry has taken the giant step of quitting the Royal Family so he can apply for American citizenship. He will then join the Democrats and run for President in November this year.
“If successful, he will be known as President Wales, and he has already told us he can’t wait to be invited to Britain for a state banquet at Buckingham Palace in his honour.”
Many political observers in the US believe Harry will be a strong favourite to win power in the White House.
He will be the most British President to take office since Mr Trump, whose mother was Scottish.
Some Republicans are furious. Senior Trump aid Lorraine Fisher, 34, told us: “This is simply an underhand trick by the Brits to retake control of the United States.
“Expect Harry’s citizenship application to be refused out of hand.”
Britain’s oldest school caretaker has been suspended after accidentally dyeing a whole class of young children blue.
Norman Fletcher, 87, who staff feared had been getting increasingly “doddery”, got chemicals for the Little Brimmer Primary School swimming pool mixed up with powdered blue paint.
Far from making the indoor pool water cleaner, his mistake turned it into a huge paint pot.
And when the class of excited eight-year-old kids jumped in for their afternoon swimming lesson, they surfaced looking like a group of startled smurfs.
They were immediately hauled out of the water, but the colour would not rinse off in the showers.
As a precaution, the children were taken to the Little Brimmer Medical Centre, where the receptionist annoyed teachers by asking: “Where are you all coming from?”
Doctors said nobody’s health was at risk, and worried parents were told the paint should fade away before Easter.
A sign at the school gates warns the swimming pool will be closed for the foreseeable future.
Mum Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We all like Mr Fletcher. The old boy has been part of school life here for over 60 years, but we feel the work is getting a bit too much for him.
“My daughter thinks it’s funny being blue, and she’ll certainly looks a little odd over the next few weeks, but it could have been worse.
“What if Mr Fletcher had got rat poison mixed up instead of paint? At least the worst of it now is the kids look like smurfs.”
Headmaster James Peat said in a statement: “We are taking this very seriously, and Mr Fletcher has been suspended pending further inquiries.
“He has served the school loyally, and we know he loves his job, but at 87 years old it is probably time for him to hang up his mop.”
Mr Fletcher, who had mistaken the paint for chemicals when he visited Little Brimmer’s local shop to stock up on school supplies, was too upset to talk to the Suffolk Gazette.
A woman who is trying out Veganuary for the first time is somehow managing to work it into conversation every five minutes.
Now, all friends and relatives of Lorraine Fisher, 34, know she is “doing her bit” to save the planet after watching some dodgy documentary about meat on Netflix.
And within an hour of getting back to work today, her colleagues had heard all about it, too.
Ms Fisher said: “It’s a new year and a new me. Now, I am better than everyone else because I shall be meat and dairy-free – and all that other unhealthy stuff.
“Did I tell you how much damage cows do to the environment?”
Family friend Steve Walshe was not quite so fond of Lorraine’s animal-friendly diet.
He said: “She bored us rigid over Christmas saying she was going to do Veganuary – and now she is telling us in great detail about every meal she is preparing.
“She is lecturing and hectoring while being oh so woke.
“And we all know she’ll celebrate the end of Veganuary with a huge bacon sandwich on February 1, so what’s the point?”
After a ruling made by the official Court of Social Media, Ipswich Town have been stripped of their right to play football.
It was found that the Suffolk outfit has flouted rules contrary to trading standards since 2004, having ceased to play what can realistically be described as ‘football’ around said time when ex-Norwich hard man and former MP for South Northampton Joe Royle accomplished his dastardly inside mission of stopping Ipswich from gaining promotion.
Despite facing a backlash from the pitchfork-wielding Portman Road faithful, and the dozens of fans that infest the terraces every other Saturday, a spokesperson for the prosecution has stated that this is a “justified, long-overdue move”. He added that the team had “stagnated like an awful Dad Joke at a wedding” in the Fizzy Pop Championship, taking up room needed for teams with genuine promotion aspirations, such as Greys Athletic, Arsenal reserves and Sacramento Kings.
Ipswich fans, along with many locals of Suffolk’s thriving answer to
Swindon, are split as to how the club can now be repurposed. While there are
isolated calls from an invisible, silent, non-existent minority of residents to
turn the stadium into a Turnip Bowling green – as it was in the years prior
Ipswich Town FC’s formation in 1784 – it is believed that the club will now
play rugby from 2020 onwards.
In addition to such reports, there are plans in place to hire several
players from the World Cup-winning South Africa squad. Consistently in the top
three of the latest
rugby union betting outright odds, the Boks are the very best around,
so a few signings from South Africa could truly bolster Ipswich’s team of
underdog rugby union sensations.
The ‘Boks’ are, of course, named aptly after the sound the egg-ball makes
upon contact with a boot, prior to flying over the extra-high crossbar – which
for some inexplicable reason causes the crowd to cheer.
Former South Africa players Francois Louw and ‘The Beast’ have already gone from the Boks’ squad, but the pipeline is still full of players that can fit into the Ipswich starting XV and have success. That is not to say Ipswich’s desperate pursuit of sporting glory in any earthly form will not be without some star quality, which many argue will get the fans turning up en-masse and mouthing off as if they could play better.
Already in the pipeline to play rugby for Ipswich Town are up and coming singer/ginger/songwriter Edward Sheeran, early-2000s cult hero Fabian Wilnis and three blokes from iconic television series Love Island. Ultimately, there is a feeling of optimism that the team will progress nicely in the coming years, finally giving Suffolk’s array of big-eared boys on farms good reason to leave their sheds full of twenty-foot high chickens of a weekend and roar on a new team made up of (mostly) local heroes.
It’s that time of year absolutely nobody has been waiting for – finding out which stories have been most read on the Suffolk Gazette in 2019.
Most are new articles, while some were published years ago but are still being lapped up by gullible fools, mainly from Norfolk or America.
As is usually the case, the mainstream media has fallen for several of our well-researched articles this year and published them without checking any facts for themselves.
So, without further waffle, here are the top 25 stories of 2019 by page views, in reverse order. There were millions of you enjoying our extensive news coverage, and I thank you all.
In a surprising turn of events, the story annoyed many residents of Clacton, who felt the move was patronising. “We’re not thick,” one wrote later in an angry email to the editor, while believing every word of the story.
Alarming news emerged from north Suffolk. where local potato farmer Maurice Piper somehow allowed his elephant, Nellie, to escape from the private enclosure on his estate.
The 34-year-old beast was roaming free in the countryside and was feared to be hiding out in Thetford Forest. Motorists on the A134 were advised to be extra vigilant, even though it’s not a trunk road.
We all knew Norfolk was a backward place, full of weird inbred people and dragons in the rural wastelands, so it was perhaps no great surprise when a 5,000-year-old tribe was found living in mud huts.
In another story poking fun at our “friends” from north of the border, we revealed how, following his election offer of free broadband for all, Jeremy Corbyn was proposing to introduce electricity to Norfolk.
Of course, no-one believed our story because everyone knows locals there don’t believe in “electrickery”.
There was sad news in the summer when it was revealed a pack of bears, released in a re-wilding project in Thetford Forest, had eaten a family.
Bears crossing the A134 near Thetford
Authorities had kept the attack secret so as not to cause alarm, but this newspaper felt it deserved publishing in the public interest. Unfortunately, it did cause some alarm to those people stupid enough to read it and think it was true.
While Prince Andrew was giving a car crash TV interview about his alleged antics with Jeffrey Epstein, Bill Clinton came up with an alibi for his alleged affair with Monica Lewinsky.
The former US President insisted he was at Pizza Express in Woking at the time, so could not possibly have been seeing the voluptuous intern.
Sad news from international sport, when we reported the world hide and seek champion was found dead in a wardrobe, where he had been hiding successfully for two weeks.
Police spokeswoman Sgt Lorraine Fisher, 34, told us: “It’s this sort of skill which makes a hide and seek world champion – but unfortunately it was also the death of him.”
This story was first published in 2018 but has received repeated bursts of virality, nudging it into the 2019 list, too.
A Suffolk woman, who was worse for wear for drink, thought she had purchased a border collie from a bloke in the pub, only to wake up the next morning with this creature sitting on her sofa…
This article is three years old but is still being shared merrily around the internet. We revealed how Suffolk Police, desperate to save money, had introduced a new electric police patrol car.
However, cops complained the charge soon runs out and local kids have been throwing eggs at them as they trundle past.
Some readers were fooled, with one writing in: “How are they supposed to take criminals in? Ridiculous! Good on them for trying to lower their carbon footprint, though.”
Poor Theresa May had been trying unsuccessfully to take Britain out of Europe for years – only for Scotland manager Alex McLeish to secure Scotland’s exit after just one European Championship qualifier, when they lost 3-0 to mighty Kazakhstan.
For once, it wasn’t Prince Philip’s driving in the news. Instead, we revealed that when Donald Trump and his wife visited Buckingham Palace, Philip called Melania “Stormy”, after the porn star Stormy Daniels, who her husband allegedly had an affair with.
This story was taken a little too seriously in the United States and was one of many Suffolk Gazette stories to be “fact-check” by Snopes, the US internet police.
In more heart-warming Royal news, our Royal Editor Jane Seymour revealed the Queen joined in National Take Your Child to Work Day for the Queen’s Speech.
One observer told us: “Charles was dressed smartly and had combed what is left of his hair.”
A story from over a year ago that continues to circulate on the internet, with Americans, in particular, getting very cross about it. One wrote: “How misleading and disturbing. To use this as publicity for the cream is wrong.”
There was good news for well-heeled London commuters, as the Suffolk Gazette revealed tube trains would contain first-class carriages complete with leather chairs and a bar.
The new first-class carriages being prepared for Central Line trains (Photo: Simon Pielow, published under CC BY-SA 2.0)
This story was already going well when the Drudge Report, one of the most influential news aggregators in America, picked it up and ran it as fact, linking to our story. Cue tens of thousands of confused American readers.
Larry the Downing Street cat reassured Britain that he is now running the country.
After political disaster upon political disaster, Larry stepped forward and proclaimed: “Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. Where there is despair, may we bring hope, and where there is an empty dish, may we bring Whiskas.”
The future of British car making is secure despite fears it could implode after Brexit. We revealed a photograph of the first car to roll off the production line.
The car has an impressive spec list, including air conditioning, which is achieved simply by winding down the window.
In yet another successful ‘Prince Philip driving story’, it was revealed The Queen had asked Prince Philp to pick up Mr Trump from the airport for his state visit.
Palace officials wondered if Her Majesty had some cunning ulterior motive for the kind offer of a lift – but many American readers questioned the story’s validity, insisting Mr Trump would only use his armoured car.
The worldwide anti-doping agency (WADA) has handed down a four-year ban to Norfolk, following repeat doping failures by several leading county gurners.
WADA had originally intended to take action only against specific individuals, however county officials were also implicated via interference with laboratory test results at the most recent Gurning World Championship.
The event, held at Egremont Crab Fair, was once again won by 17-times world gurning champion Tommy Mattinson, who was relieved to have won, despite the cheating by several of the Norfolk-based contestants.
He said: “It takes a lot of training and effort to pull championship-winning faces and I’m horrified that some contestants try to take the easy root to victory.”
The ban means that no athletes can compete under the county name or use the Norfolk County Arms as a visual identifier. The Norfolk county anthem or other songs associated with the county – such as the Singing Postman, will not be allowed either.
The news has disappointed Norfolk-born Queen drummer Roger Taylor, as We are the Champions is now one of the banned pieces of music. However, as has been pointed out by many, this will have no actual impact, as Norfolk have never been champions of anything.
It is believed that individual athletes who can prove they haven’t doped may be allowed to compete but under a neutral banner. Several “honest” Norfolk Gurners have already decided to compete again next year and have decided to use the identifier #notinmyface as their team name.
WADA spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Rules are rules, so Norfolk gurners will simply have to grin and bear it.”
The legendary Adnams Ghost Ship has been spotted and photographed for the first time in years, sailing under the Orwell Bridge.
The mystery ship, with 15 lost souls on board, is believed to have gone upriver to spook Ipswich but was terrified by what the town had become, so fled.
Local drinker Pete Wright, said he had been to the pub on Monday night and was staggering home when he saw the extraordinary Ghost Ship sailing past, and took this exclusive photograph.
“The ghostly crew appeared to be celebrating Roger the cabin boy’s birthday. At least that’s what they were shouting, something about Roger the cabin boy.
“Adnams Ghost Ship is a fine beer and named after the legendary ghost ships that appear around the Suffolk coast.
“It was only a matter of time before one came upriver. But instead of giving Ipswich a fright, the crew must have been scared off by ghoulish locals, which isn’t surprising.”
Local paranormal expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This is the first time the Adnams Ghost Ship has been caught on camera.
“It just goes to show that sometimes great things happen after drinking six pints.”
EDITOR’S NOTE: If you’d like to buy the Suffolk Gazette editor an Adnams beer for Christmas, please go to our Buy Us a Beer page. The Suffolk Gazette is fueled by Adnams.
The English Premier League is, without a doubt, the most popular football competition in the world. We might even say that the Premiership could be the most popular when it comes to all sports.
With such a reputation, it is normal that EPL
attracts bettors from around the globe. According to certain studies,
Premiership betting generates higher figures that any other football
competition, including the international ones. Of course, the number of games
plays an important role there, but either way, the top tier of English football
is perfect for placing wagers.
Now, for one punter to bet on some match, he
needs to determine where to do that. The process of choosing your bookmaker is
maybe the most important thing after making the right picks.
With a reliable and good bookmaker at your
disposal, lots of other things will be
much more comfortable, and eventually, you will increase the chances of winning
some money. But what needs to be done to find a good bookie? Which ones are most trusted bookmakers in the UK?
The process of generating the list of the best
bookies is very complicated. You’ll need to dig deep and invest a lot of effort
while analyzing a vast material. But luckily for you, we already did that.
First of all, you need to check the reputation
of the bookie and check whether there is a license issued by the government.
That should be the first step in the process. Nobody wants to be a victim of a
scam, and this is your safety precaution. State institutions in charge of the
betting business have their standards every reliable bookie has to meet.
Otherwise, he can’t operate on the market.
Following the safety check, the technical
details are on the menu. If you don’t have an account and want to open one,
bonuses and promotions need to be a very important factor in your decision. A
lot of bookies these days have offers, which include these two features and are
linked with the Premiership. Therefore, see which one is the best and the most
suitable for you.
Customer service is your connection with the
bookmaker; therefore, it has to be impeccable. Many brands have excellent odds
and superb promotions, but their relationship with the punters is not at the
same level precisely because of poor communication. Also, every trustworthy
brand offers fast, precise, and high-quality customer service, and you can
easily separate good from the bad ones.
When it comes to actual betting, the thing which attracts most of the punters are the odds. Some have better odds for specific sports, and you’ll need to inform about that. In our case, particularly regarding the Premier League. See which one has the best outright offers, because we know that EPL has numerous things interesting for an outright bet. Will Liverpool win the title? Is Norwich capable of avoiding relegation? Just think about the amount of potential bets you can take.
For the punters who prefer live-betting,
mobile compatibility of the website or the application will be essential. If
your brand doesn’t have either of these two, be sure that they aren’t what you
need. It is a sign of their mediocrity, and that is something punters don’t
like. Having a fast and organized interface in these situations is the most
important thing, and there is no compromise with that.
In short, all these factors are helpful when
determining which bookie is the best for betting. We’ve supplied you with a
list containing a few of them, and now it is up to you to decide.
