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Norwich City back in full training as family sports resume

The Editor
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Norwich City back in full training as family sports resume
Norwich City family
Family matters (Photo: Zak Nelson under CC BY-SA 4.0)

The Norwich City squad is back in full training after Boris Johnson last night gave the go-ahead for family members to play sport together.

With the Premier League season expected to resume in some shape or form soon, the Canaries now have a huge advantage over other teams, who cannot yet train together.

Norfolk is one large family, heralding from the Spuckler tribe from the Dark Ages.

It allows for Norwich City players to report back for training at 10am today.

Carrow Road press officer Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s now okay for family groups to go out and play sport together.

“We have, therefore, started full training with our squad.

“Unlike Ipswich Town players, who seem to play like they don’t know each other at all.”

The Norwich City sports news perhaps explains why the Government chose to use yellow and green for its new Stay Alert messaging.

Norwich fan Bubba Spuckler, who lives with his sister and their eight children, said: “On the ball, city. Never mind the danger.”

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New stay alert messaging in disgusting Norwich colours doomed to failure

The Editor
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New stay alert messaging in disgusting Norwich colours doomed to failure
stay alert coronavirus
Green and yellow disaster

The Government’s new stay alert messaging is doomed to failure because bungling ministers chose to use disgusting Norwich City colours.

Green and yellow have been associated with abject failure since Norfolk’s useless football team first stepped out on a turnip field in 1971.

Now there are fears the public’s general disgust at the colour scheme will damage the fight against COVID-19.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson will address the nation with latest lockdown plans, but will be advised not to show the yellow and green slogan.

Football expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Everyone knows Norwich has never won anything.

“The Canaries’ yellow and green strip is synonymous with failure, so I’m not sure the Government has thought this through.

“Everyone hates Norwich.”

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What time is the Boris Johnson speech today?

The Editor
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What time is the Boris Johnson speech today?
Boris Johnson divorce deal
We’re waiting for the Boris Johnson speech today (Photo: Chatham House under CC BY 2.0)

People have been asking: “What time is the Boris Johnson speech today?”

Thankfully, your ever-caring Suffolk Gazette political team has come up with the answer for you.

It’s 7pm.

Why have we taken the trouble to find the answer to this question, when we should be sitting at home doing nothing?

Because it means lots of you will have come from Google for the first time and become acquainted with our little corner of the internet.

We write lots of interesting articles, most of them with questionable fact-checking, so have a good nose around while you’re here.

What time is Boris Johnson speech today?

However, we can be certain that the Boris Johnson lockdown speech is indeed at 7pm.

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Women threaten nookie ban to force men off booze

The Editor
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Women threaten nookie ban to force men off booze

Stay off the booze

A fearsome new women’s group that forces men to stay off the booze is taking hold in Suffolk.

Battleaxe members insist they will reject any sexual advances if their husbands have had a drink.

Branches of Booze It, You Lose It have been popping up as far south as Framlingham after the group first launched in Kessingland last year.

Now, even music superstar Ed Sheeran, who lives just outside Framlingham, is worried his wife Cherry might sign up to the group.

Marjorie Dawes, 73, from Kessingland launched Booze It, You Lose It after becoming fed-up with her hen-pecked husband, Geoff, disappearing to the pub.

“Alcohol is the Devil’s work,” explained Marjorie, who is the stern-looking lady pictured pointing to the sign in the picture above.

“Men spend all their wages on drink and then still expect us to be their sexual playthings.

“Well no more! As our campaign slogan clearly states, ‘Lips that touch liquor shall not touch ours’.

“It’s the only language layabouts like my Geoff understand.”

The formidable members of Booze It, You Lose It are drawn mostly from the radical wing of the Women’s Institute, which is already embedded in every town and village across Suffolk.

Ladies there are made of strong stuff, and you really wouldn’t want to argue with them.

But their campaign is seemingly having little effect on the drinks industry.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who runs a pub in Walberswick, said: “The number of men coming into the pub has not changed at all.

“In fact, more of them are drinking than ever so they DON’T have to go anywhere near the wife with no clothes on.

“I think it’s a bit of a relief for them, a weight off their minds.”

Elon Musk explains why he named his new baby after trunk road to East Anglia

The Editor
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Elon Musk explains why he named his new baby after trunk road to East Anglia
Elon Musk and his baby A12
Elon Musk and his baby, A12 (Photo: Elon Musk/Twitter)

Tycoon Elon Musk raised a few eyebrows when he named his newborn son after the A12 road from London to Suffolk.

He and his partner, the singer Grimes, revealed they had named the baby X Æ A-12.

The X part, he explained, is an unknown variable, while the Æ part is an orthographic ligature (obviously).

But it was the Space X and Tesla boss’ inclusion of the A12 dual carriageway that caused most surprise.

He told the editor of California Mother and Baby magazine, Lorraine Fisher, 34, that the A12 was close to his heart for two reasons.

“Firstly, I have holidayed on the Suffolk coast for many years, and we always have to drive up the A12 to get there from Heathrow.

“We love the winding nature of the carriageway and its many potholes.

“Plus, we get to stop off at interesting places along the way. Like Witham and Ipswich.

“Secondly, the A12 was formerly used as an unofficial test track for my Tesla cars.

“That was until they put all those blasted average speed cameras up between Colchester and Ipswich. My drivers were getting more points than Ipswich Town FC.”

Young A12 and his mum are said to be doing well.

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Lack of planes sees dragons return to Norfolk skyline

The Editor
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Lack of planes sees dragons return to Norfolk skyline
a dragon in Norfolk
Rare dragon over the skies of Norwich yesterday

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

A virtual stop to air traffic has seen dragons return to the skies over Norfolk, it has emerged.

The fiery creatures have become all but extinct except for parts of Norfolk, which is considered to be hundreds of years behind the rest of the UK.

Around seven breeding pairs are known to exist, mainly in the unchartered territory around Downham Market and the north-west of the county.

But with airplanes now virtually absent from the skies, the dragons are able to fly with more freedom.

One, pictured above, was even seen over Norwich yesterday, looking for a local peasant to feast upon.

Professor Lorraine Fisher, 34, Britain’s foremost dragonologist, said the creatures have been all but wiped out by commercial air traffic over Norfolk.

“There have been too many cases of dragon strikes, which is a danger to aircraft as well as killing the poor dragons.

“But with just about all planes grounded, the dragons are confident enough to fly around again.

“Norfolk people are therefore urged to keep their small animals and young children indoors.”

Local Norfolk man Bubba Spuckler, who lives with his sister and their eight children, said: “We always said there be dragons in Norfolk.”

The dramatic dragon news follows revelations that even Lowestoft was beginning to return to nature.

Piers Morgan develops a hacking cough

The Editor
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Piers Morgan develops a hacking cough
Piers Morgan and Susanna Reid
Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain with Susanna Reid (Photo: ITV)

TV presenter and former tabloid editor Piers Morgan has been tested for coronavirus after developing a hacking cough, it has emerged.

Although feeling poorly, he has been able to access many messages of support.

Mr Morgan understands that, despite his medical details being a private matter, details of his condition should be made public.

Medic Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Former News of the World and Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan has a severe hacking cough.

“It’s very uncomfortable for him; he just can’t seem to shake it off.”

Mr Morgan revealed yesterday he was tested for coronavirus after developing mild symptoms of the condition.

It was also revealed today that coronavirus had been tested for Piers Morgan.

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Coronavirus tested for Piers Morgan

The Editor
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Coronavirus tested for Piers Morgan
Piers Morgan (Photo Digitas Photos under CC-by-2.0)

Coronavirus has been tested for Piers Morgan and will miss today’s news.

The virus developed the classic Piers Morgan symptom of an irritating arse yesterday.

Medics advised coronavirus it could no longer front the news until being given the all-clear from a test.

News spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “COVID-19 began showing mild symptoms of Piers Morgan, including classic irritation and pain in the backside.

“The test results will be back later today, but we’re sure the nation will be sending good wishes in the meantime.”

Coronavirus had been a vociferous critic of the Government’s response to Piers Morgan testing in recent weeks.

There were growing fears that Piers Morgan was out of control, but this was denied by Health Secretary Matt Hancock.

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