The new Ipswich Town manger will have big shoes to fill, it has emerged.
With Paul Lambert leaving the club by mutual consent tonight, it is believed a new boss is already lined up for the Portman Road hot seat.
Former Wigan manager Paul Cook is the bookies’ favourite to be unveiled in the next few days.
Lambert failed to keep Ipswich in the Championship, led them to a disappointing mid-table finish in League 1 last season, and this campaign has been stop-start.
Ipswich Town spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “The new manager will have big shoes to fill.
“Once he walks into the manager’s office at Ipswich Town, he will also find a red nose, face paint and a hilarious flower that squirts water.”
With Lambert and his assistant Stuart Taylor both having left, it remains to be seen if a suspected takeover comes to fruition.
A US consortium, led by financier Brett Johnson, is rumoured to be closing in on the deal with Ipswich owner Marcus Evans.
Ipswich Town has fast become a parody of itself, the football gift that keeps on giving, and makes it difficult even for this newspaper to satirise.
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Ipswich Town Soccer Club will play at the new Walmart Stadium
New American owners will rename Ipswich as Ipswich Town Soccer Club, we can reveal.
Instead of the famous ITFC name, the League One outfit will become ITSC.
The surprise move will mean all club signage and merchandise will be scrapped and renamed.
It is expected the new name is only the first of a sweeping set of changes that the US investors, lead by US-based Brett Johnson will bring in.
The Suffolk Gazette has seen a memo from the buyout team, laying out its plans. It includes:
Selling stadium naming rights, so Portman Road becomes the Walmart Stadium
Changing the team shorts to red and white stripes
Removing the three stars under the shirt badge and replacing them with 50
Removing the Suffolk Punch horse on the crest and replacing it with a bison
Hot dog concession stands on every corner of the ground
Politically incorrect pre-match and half-time cheerleaders
Kick-off times moved to 1am to cater for a west coast US audience
Investment consortium insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Y’all will love our plans for your soccer ball team.
“Go Soccer Blues!”
The takeover of the club is expected to be announced by owner Marcus Evans soon.
He has so far remained tight-lipped about US investors taking over – but is known to be desperate to sell up.
Uppa Towen
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Popular children’s characters Mr Men are being gender-neutralised to Persons, it has been revealed.
The characters are no longer known as Mr, and they are most certainly not Men.
Instead, kids will welcome their new favourties, including Tickle, Nosey and Forgetful, all without a Mr prefix.
The news follows revelations that Mr Potato Head was becoming gender-neutralised, just to save any lasting psychological damage to traumatised children.
The former Mr Men books and TV shows will now be republished and re-edited to unveil the Persons brand.
Gender-neutral campaigner Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Times have moved on and we have broken away from traditional gender norms.
“Mr Men was unfortunate in that they were Mr and they were men. A double whammy.
“The new Persons collection will be loved by kids of all genders, not that we’re suggesting children have different genders.”
Mr Men began as a series of books written by Roger Hargreaves in 1971.
Lovely pair of tits
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A number of top Irish trainers are currently readying themselves ahead of the 2021 Cheltenham Festival with a smattering of handlers having already made their way over to the UK in order to maximize preparation time.
Although Suffolk is largely associated with racing on the flat, a handful of jumps specialists have opted to base themselves in the county during the run-up to the prestigious four-day event.
Willie Mullins, trainer of Al Boum Photo who is the 5/2 favourite for this year’s Gold Cup in the latest Cheltenham Odds, has opted to move east as he prepares his talented string for a trip to Prestbury Park.
He will be hoping that his talented nine-year-old can complete a historic hat-trick in the Blue Riband event, although the likes of A Plus Tard, Champ and Native River will all be hoping to thwart his bid. The latter is likely to be a popular choice and is listed amongst Betfair’s Cheltenham Gold Cup tips, however, the race hasn’t been won by an 11-year-old in more than 50 years.
Willie Mullins today insisted Al Boum Photo would deserve to be considered among the greatest winners of the Cheltenham Gold Cup if he triumphs in the Blue Riband race for a third time next month. 🏇🏆
Mullins’ relocation will help his team to acclimatize to the British weather, and with the prices of accommodation in Gloucestershire proving a little too steep, the frugal Irishman was understandably delighted to have found a similarly picturesque spot for a fraction of the price.
The County Carlow-based handler has also gained special permission to train his thoroughbreds at Orford Ness and will be using the National Trust-owned beauty spot for mid-morning workouts. Although he admits that the demise of Orfordness Lighthouse brings a tear to his eye, the Grand National-winning handler is looking forward to setting foot on the world-famous shingle.
With the exception of Saint Roi, the trainer has a full complement of runners to choose from this year, and he’ll be hoping that his decision to decamp to East Anglia pays off. His fondness for the Heritage Coast began several years ago after watching a powerful documentary about the construction of the Quay Street car park on RTE.
Mullins is also famed for having a sweet tooth, and regularly places orders with Orford-based confectioner Pump Street Chocolate, and his choice of location was undoubtedly swayed by his love of locally hand-crafted treats.
Although he is likely to be tied to an extremely restrictive schedule, Mullins has also vowed to visit Orford Castle during his stay. Having been an admirer of this unique polygonal structure for over four decades, the County Kilkenny-born trainer admits that he can’t afford to miss an opportunity to take a selection of selfies in the presence of one of England’s most complete and unusual keeps.
He isn’t the only Irish native to base themselves in this locale, with Noel Meade choosing to spend the next couple of weeks in Felixstowe, whilst jockey Jack Kennedy, who missed the 2020 festival due to injury, has found a lovely idyllic spot just outside of Earsham.
Although Suffolk doesn’t appear to be an obvious destination for jumps handlers, it is proving to be an extremely popular spot in 2021. Willie Mullins is just one of many Emerald Isle natives who will be hoping that their choice of county proves to be profitable this year, and having enjoyed plenty of success at the Cheltenham Festival in recent years, he is currently gearing up for yet another fascinating four days at Prestbury Park.
– Evans hands over £1 million guarantee and club bank details
Ipswich Town owner Marcus Evans expects to complete the sale of the club within days, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.
He is confident of doing a deal with a mystery Nigerian lawyer, who has billions to invest after the unfortunate death of his client in a road accident.
The lawyer got in touch directly with Mr Evans by email, offering to tie up a fast deal that would “benefit us both”.
But before the Nigerian could proceed with the final payment, Mr Evans had to transfer him £1 million as a guarantee.
“Marcus paid the money in good faith two weeks ago and sent details of the Ipswich Town bank accounts, but we have not heard from our Nigerian contact since,” said club spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34.
“We hope the lawyer is okay. He seems to have been very unlucky, what with his rich client dying like that. He kindly got in touch with Marcus by email and offered to invest the £45 million.
“It was only by chance that he heard that Ipswich Town might be for sale. And it was even more of a stroke of luck that Marcus found the email in his personal email spam folder.”
The news finally puts to rest rumours that the struggling League One club is being bought out by a US investment fund.
“We had hoped to announce the Nigerian deal this week,” said Ms Fisher. “We’re just trying to get hold of the lawyer after sending the million quid. We’re confident there is no problem.”
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Ipswich Town fans are invited to play a brand new puzzle game called Where’s Marcus?
The exciting new game, developed by the Suffolk Gazette, sees fans trying to spot the owner of their football club.
Despite Ipswich being in freefall, in its worst position for more than 60 years, the club owner is nowhere to be seen.
Can you help out by spotting Marcus in our exclusive Where’s Marcus puzzles?
Wearing his familiar bobble hat and striped shirt, our chum is hidden in a sea of faces. But can you find him?
Play along with some of our puzzle images below….
Puzzle developer Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “These are dark days for Ipswich Town fans. Players are in rebellion, getting sent off, have referees squaring up to them, cannot win a football match, have fans protesting and setting fire to the training ground – and have a manager who is seemingly taking the team to oblivion.
“Yet despite it all, Marcus Evans is nowhere to be seen. Any other owner would have sacked his underperforming manager by now – especially as Paul Lambert basically threw Evans under a bus this week.
“So all Ipswich fans want to know now is, where is Marcus?”
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Ipswich forward Alan Judge is pictured turning up for training with boxing gloves today after last night’s bout with referee Darren Drysdale.
In an extraordinary moment at Portman Road, match official Drysdale appeared to square up to Judge and thrust his head aggressively towards the player’s face.
Irishman Judge decided he was going to take no chances today and turned up to training wearing a large pair of boxing gloves.
The Suffolk Gazette had a photographer hiding behind a hedge outside the training ground to capture the moment (not a hedge recently burned down by protesting fans).
Ipswich Town press spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “With Ipswich at a historic low, Alan has decided he might have more success as a fighter at the moment.
“He has asked manager Paul Lambert to install a boxing ring at the training centre so he can hone his new skills.”
The Drysdale-Judge square-up was the only moment of any interest in last night’s pathetic 0-0 draw at home to Northampton Town, who Ipswich have not had to play in the league since 1966!
You can watch the incident here…
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