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Only morons shop at Morrisons

The Editor
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Only morons shop at Morrisons
Only morons shop at Morrisons
Only morons shop at Morrisons

A disgruntled former Morrisons shop assistant has been fired for telling customers that only morons shop at Morrisons.

Marjorie Badger (62) had worked in East Suffolk’s, Beccles branch for what felt like a thousand years when she was summarily dismissed for pointing out to customers that products they had chosen could be bought cheaper elsewhere. To the annoyance of managers at the store, Marjorie would sometimes walk around the store, tapping customers on the shoulder before whispering to them in which shops they could get a better deal.

Aunt Bessie’s Jam Roly Poly (Morrisons £2.29 / ASDA £2.00)

We spoke to Mrs Badger as we sat in her car sharing 6 ASDA Pork Sausage Rolls – £1.85 (Morrisons 6 Fresh Bake Pork Sausage Rolls – £2.39). Badger was teary-eyed as she spoke to this reporter “Oi don’t know wart oi did wrarng. Sob. Arl oi dun was tell the truth.” Said roly-poly Badger. She went on “Oim a Christian with cats, and arl oi was doin’ was troiyin to ‘elp people save a few pennies y’know?”

Badger dribbled pastry crumbs mixed with saliva as she recounted the moment she was frogmarched from the store on the day of her sacking. “We were runnin’ a promotion about some frozen goods.

Cheps ‘n’ potato warfles ‘n’ things loike that. Oi knew that ASDA was sellin’ the same or similar products for less. So wart oi dun was oi cloimbed inside the freezer, laid down an’ pulled the sliding door shut over moi face. It was loike an oicy carfin. You  know… a carfin… wart people are buried in.

So anyways, Oi wait a bit an’ then this old lady comes an’ sloides open the carfin lid. Quick as a flash, oi sits bolt upright and shouts ‘Don’t be a moron! You can get these cheaper at ASDA!’ Well, the old dear, bless ‘er – she gart the froight of ‘er loife. Her hat farls off and ‘er body goes into spasms and then she hits the deck. It were pandemonium, then. People were screamin’ and then the manager came and they dragged me out of the freezer. ‘N’ that were that.”

‘Morrisons Makes It’ (more expensive)

We wanted to check Badger’s claim that only morons shop at Morrisons so we did a quick price comparison with an anonymous rival supermarket – ASDA. Here’s what we found…

Morrisons and Asda price comparison

So there we have it. Badger is correct, only morons shop at Morrisons!

THE SUFFOLK GAZETTE WOULD LIKE TO CLARIFY THAT THIS IS NOT AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR ASDA. HOWEVER, IF THIS ARTICLE DOES COME TO THE ATTENTION OF ASDA HEAD OFFICE, FREE GIFTS OF WINE, CHEESE, AND TWIGLETS WILL NOT BE REFUSED.

Average Electricity Use Per Day in the UK

The Editor
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Average Electricity Use Per Day in the UK
Average Electricity Use Per Day in the UK
Average Electricity Use Per Day in the UK

You should not be paying more than you need for electricity usage. Using electricity comes at a price, and understanding the average consumption and electricity usage in a day, will show you whether your usage is on par, or way more expensive than for others.

Energy Consumption in the United Kingdom

The average energy consumption in the U.K. is 3,700 kilowatt hours per person per year (kwh/p/a). This includes all primary energy sources from which electricity is generated.

The average household consumes 9,200 kwh/household/a, which includes heating and hot water production (domestic appliances), lighting and refrigeration (domestic appliances) as well as cooking processes such as boiling water or frying food using a hob or oven.

This is more than the EU average of 9,600 kWh per household and less than Denmark’s 13,300 kWh per household.

The average energy consumption in the UK is a little bit higher than in other European countries. 

Factors That Influence Your Bill

Electricity is the biggest source of fuel for the average UK household, and electric heating produces around 40% more carbon emissions than gas heating.

Fuel prices fluctuate regularly affecting the total on your utility bill. In addition, your electricity usage monthly may be higher or lower depending on your household demands, and not being on a fixed rate with your energy supplier means further variations.

The factors that affect the cost of consumption will depend on:

  • the amount of people in your household;
  • whether you are using a combination of electricity and gas, as opposed to just electricity;
  • your energy supplier’s rates;
  • your location and the demands of the surrounding area;
  • the terms of your contract, with fixed or variable rates; and
  • your household demands, for example using heating appliances etc.

Energy Consumption

The unit rates charged by your energy supplier will fluctuate according to regions, depending on payment method, standing charges and meter type.

This means changes to your bill monthly. The average gas and electricity use however is set out for different household sizes.

Average consumption for electricity and gas

  • For a household with 1-2 people, the average monthly cost is £142.69, making your daily cost £4.75.
  • For a household with 2-3 people, the average monthly cost is £208.32 making your daily cost £6.94.
  • For a household with 4-5 people, the average monthly cost is £291.08, making your daily cost £9.70.

Average consumption for electricity only

  • For a household with 1-2 people, the average monthly cost is £65.16, making your daily cost £2.17.
  • For a household with 2-3 people, the average monthly cost is £96.36 making your daily cost £3.21.
  • For a household with 4-5 people, the average monthly cost is £136.07, making your daily cost £4.53.

Average consumption for gas only

  • For a household with 1-2 people, the average monthly cost is £77.53, making your daily cost £2.58.
  • For a household with 2-3 people, the average monthly cost is £111.97 making your daily cost £3.73.
  • For a household with 4-5 people, the average monthly cost is £155.01, making your daily cost £5.16.

How Does Electric Heating Compare To Gas Heating?

You may have heard that electric heating is more efficient than gas heating, and you’d be right! 

Electric heating produces fewer greenhouse gas emissions per unit of energy than gas. 

Another plus? Electric heating is cheaper to install than gas.

However, before you ditch your boiler in favour of an electric heater (and make the switch from instantaneous to storage water heaters), keep in mind that the upfront cost for installing an electric storage hot water system can be quite high. 

If you’re thinking about replacing your current boiler with one that uses electricity instead of gas, consider having a professional come out to evaluate how much power will be required and how much it would cost for installation.

The initial investment could save you money over time as well as deliver great results when it comes to reducing CO2 emissions!

Conclusion

In conclusion, the average energy consumption in the UK daily is very high. There are many factors that contribute to this, including technology and lifestyle choices. 

The good news is that by making small changes in our everyday lives we can cut down on our energy usage and help save our planet from climate change!

Peppa Pig, distraught after festive family reunion

The Editor
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Peppa Pig, distraught after festive family reunion

Kiddie’s favourite TV swine, Peppa Pig, is said to be distraught after a planned festive reunion with family members revealed that most of them were DEAD.

Peppa, who is technically a piglet, has amassed a humungous $3.8 billion fortune since rocketing to fame in the first Peppa Pig series broadcast in 2004. Since then, the simplistic, repetitive and highly annoying show has been broadcast in over 180 countries worldwide.

Snout and about

The horrifying reunion came at the end of a lovely Xmas break for Peppa and her friends who are all her age. Peppa’s younger brother, George, was also enjoying the holidays with his friends who are his age. During their two-week break from school, they have enjoyed festive activities such as not attending playgroup, going swimming, going to the playground, and riding their battered old bikes up and down the snow-covered streets. Look Out!

Bacon roll

Rebecca Rabbit, a close friend of Peppa’s, told this reporter that on boxing day. Mummy Pig told Peppa and George that they would be popping into the local Tesco to meet with relatives who wanted to give them Christmas presents.

Rabbit, who was also at the supermarket that day continued… “When they got inside,.Peppa started to head towards the cafeteria where she assumed the meeting would take place.

As she skipped off to meet them, Daddy Pig quickly grabbed Peppa’s wrist and dragged her forcefully in the opposite direction towards the fresh meat aisle. Peppa was in shock. You could tell by the way her mouth was drawn.

Daddy Pig was blushing and had a disturbed look on his face. When they got to the pork section, Daddy picked up Peppa by her ears and threw her violently onto one of the shelves where she landed with a thud and rolled between a stack of pre-packed bacon joints. It was horrific!”

Peppa Pig, distraught after festive family reunion
Peppa Pig sad Family re-union

Oh my god. What happened next?

“Well… Daddy Pig started screaming ‘You wanted to visit your grandparents, cousins, and friends, well here they are…. Enjoy!’” Oh, dear!

Upon realizing that her beloved relatives had been slaughtered and that she and George wouldn’t be getting Christmas presents after all, Peppa reportedly blushed a little, and then experienced emotions such as sadness, irritation, bewilderment, and confusion, expressed by the way her mouth was drawn as each subsequent emotion took hold.

Series #8 of Peppa Pig continues with Episode #375 “Christmas at the abattoir”

Snow – God’s wondrous gift, Britain doesn’t deserve it

The Editor
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Snow – God’s wondrous gift, Britain doesn’t deserve it
Snow – God’s wondrous gift, Britain don't deserve it
Snow – God’s wondrous gift, Britain don’t deserve it

Snow, the wondrous gift of beauty and purity combined, summoned by God’s own hand (or nimbostratus clouds – depending on your point of view) but Britain doesn’t deserve it.

Throughout the centuries, snow has inspired great artists, writers, and musicians to produce work worthy of the wintry confetti with which we in the Britain, are so rarely blessed.

Take Irving Berlin’s classic yuletide ballad, ‘White Christmas’ for example…

‘Where the tree tops glisten

And children listen

To hear sleigh bells in the snow, oh, the snow.’

Beautiful!

…Or Emily Brontë’s mysterious 1837 poem ‘Spellbound’…

The giant trees are bending

Their bare boughs weighed with snow.

And the storm is fast descending,

And yet I cannot go.

Chilling!

…Or consider Claude Monet’s 1875 masterpiece ‘Snow at Argenteuil’…

Delightful!

…and, continuing in this great artistic tradition of paying homage to one of Earth’s great wonders, what pray do the good people of Suffolk have to contribute to the genre?…

Unbelievable!

Wiltshire Council jumps on ‘bandwagon of filth’

The Editor
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Wiltshire Council jumps on ‘bandwagon of filth’
Wiltshire Council jumps on ‘bandwagon of filth’
Wiltshire Council jumps on ‘bandwagon of filth’

Wiltshire Council in South West England, is jumping on the filthy bandwagon. Tsk! tsk!

Regular readers of the SUFFOLK GAZETTE will remember that in our December issue,.we reported on how filthy Cumbria County Council was enjoying ‘rubbing cum in our faces’ as it renamed its local places of interest with filthy, SEX-related names.

Wilsford cum Lake (which used to be good old ‘Wilsford Lake’) is a civil parish in the Woodford valley in Wiltshire. Wilsford is about 6 miles north of the respectable cathedral town of Salisbury. Misleadingly, there is no cum-filled lake in the parish (it has just been renamed to exploit sex tourists),.but for those interested in rotten corpses, there are some interesting archaeological features in the form of a Neolithic long barrow (burial site) and around 40 Bronze Age round barrows. How riveting.

Bright Young Cock

The only other thing of note in the entire parish is Wilsford House, an early 20th Century erection.(filth!) belonging to the family of  Sir Edward Tennant,.a Scottish politician who was Member of Parliament for Salisbury from 1906 to 1910. Upon his death, the house was inherited by his idle, reclusive son, Stephen Tennant,. who was a leading member of the ‘bright young things’ social set of young aristocrats and socialites who,.in the 1920’s, threw flamboyant fancy dress parties, snorted lots of cocaine, and went on elaborate treasure hunts through nighttime London. Filth!

Our Advice…

Our advice is to f*ck Wiltshire and holiday in beautiful, family-orientated, East Suffolk, where the only cum lakes you will find will be in and around London Road – the area known locally as Ipswich’s red light district.

Filth!

Leiston ‘Wreath theft’ solved

The Editor
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Leiston ‘Wreath theft’ solved
Leiston ‘Wreath theft’ solved
Leiston ‘Wreath theft’ solved

A gated community in Leiston, Suffolk is celebrating after a ‘theft’ Christmas wreath was returned to its rightful owner.

It all started when Fiona Cruddup (64) who lives in the Heron Close community of apartments woke up one morning last week, excited at the prospect of looking at the wreath she had hung on her front door the day before. After all, what’s the point of hanging a wreath on the outside of your house if you only get a fleeting glance at it as you struggle through the front door with six bags of heavy shopping? If anything, a wreath pressing into your face as you fumble with your keys just gets in the way. Traditionally, a wreath hung on the outside of a front door, is for the viewing pleasure of passing Christians, or postmen, although the latter tend not to visit so much these days. Heathens!

Wha? Wreath theft…

When Mrs Cruddup stepped outside to admire her Christian credentials, she was astounded to find that the wreath was… wait for it… gone. In a panic, Cruddup, a former Miss East Anglia (that was a long time ago) looked around the entrance hall to her flat, waving her arms around a bit, repeatedly mouthing the halfwords ‘wha?’, and ‘whe?’. We asked the slightly slouching, former beauty to tell us what happened next.

“When I realized that the wreath had been stolen, and after I’d waved my arms around a bit, I began to get angry, as you do, and started to mumble lots of very un-Christain words under my breath. Then I dropped to my knees and started to weep, hoping that God or Jesus might hear my cry for help. I waited quite a long time, but nothing happened. It was then that I decided to lie on the carpet and roll around a little, moaning bereftly, but still, nothing happened.”

Christian Gods stay out of it

Through saggy jowls and obvious false teeth, the stunning ex-model explained what she did next. “When I realized neither God nor Jesus were going to do anything about it, I went back inside and slammed the door behind me. Furious, I opened up my lap computer and started to type a message to the thief. I just needed to get the anger out. In the note, I explained how cheesed-off I was and demanded that the wreath theft be returned by latest Xmas eve. The day before Jesus’s birthday.”

In a fit of pique that she later came to regret, the spicy (albeit slightly prune-like) old sort, printed out her message and taped it to her front door using heavy-duty, industrial gaffer tape when a little Blutack or sellotape would surely have been sufficient.

Previous evening

It was only when neighbour, Jill Parsons (21)  from No.32, upstairs came down carrying an identical wreath to the one stolen from Mrs Cruddup that the apparent ‘crime’ was solved. Jill explained to Fiona how when she had returned home from work the previous evening, she was surprised to find that someone had pinned the wreath she was carrying to her front door. After a little head-scratching, the two, between them, realized that Mrs Cruddup (who has been suffering from Alzheimer’s disease for 15 years) had attached her wreath to Jill’s front door.

So it turns out there is a God, and a Jesus after all! Definitely.

A quick guide to buying a used car

The Editor
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A quick guide to buying a used car
A quick guide to buying a used car
A quick guide to buying a used car

Buying a used car comes with a number of advantages. Not only can you save money on the cost of the car, but you’ll also save some cash on the cover with cheap insurance quotes. Plus, if you buy from a private seller, you could save even more on the asking price, giving you greater flexibility to find a car you really want or with a higher spec. Here, a comparison site, mustard.co.uk, offers advice on what to consider when buying a used car.

Check the car has all its documents

All cars should come with a vehicle logbook, officially called the V5C registration form. The form sets out important details including vehicle identification number (VIN) and registered keeper.

You’ll need the V5C to register and tax the car, so it’s important that the seller has this. You should also check that the VIN, engine number and colour of the car matches the information on the form. If the seller doesn’t have the V5C, they can order a replacement from the Driver & Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA).

If you’re buying a car that’s more than three years old, it should also have a valid MOT certificate. If the seller doesn’t have this to hand, you can check its MOT status at

GOV.UK.

Look for damage

If you can, it’s better to view the car during the day. Darker evenings or poor light can mean you miss any signs of damage. Take the time to look for any uneven paint finishes, gaps in paintwork or paint where it shouldn’t be, as this could be an indication of a big repair job.

Small dents and scratches are perfectly normal in used cars sold privately and in most cases, these can be easily repaired. Minor imperfections can also be used as a bargaining tool and can help you negotiate a better price.

Check the mileage

The mileage should be broadly in line with what you’d expect from a car of its age and condition, but you can also do a quick check yourself by looking at past MOT certificates. These will all show the car’s mileage at the time of its MOT so you should see a steady increase each year.

If something seems inconsistent or a little off, finger marks behind the instrument panel and loose screws could suggest the odometer has been tampered with. 

Take the car for a test drive

Test driving the car is really the only way you’ll know if the car is right for you and will give you a chance to check the car from the inside.

Before you get in, have a look at the tread of each of the tyres, they should be fairly uniform in terms of wear. Don’t forget the minimum legal tyre tread depth is 1.6 mm so it’s well worth making sure the tyres have at least 2-3 mm of tread depth left, otherwise you’ll end up replacing them sooner rather than later. Also, make sure that seat belts are intact and show no signs of fraying. You should also be able to buckle up smoothly with no dragging or pulling on the seat belt itself. 

When you get behind the wheel, have a go at the horn, check the lights work and try the handbrake. When you’re on the test drive, listen out for any squeaking when you brake, as this could mean brake pads or discs need replacing. Gears on manual cars should be smooth to transition, again listen out for any odd noises when you change gears, for example, grinding or crunching.

Arrange car insurance for used cars

If you decide to buy a used car, especially from a private seller, remember to arrange car insurance before you drive it home. This might mean leaving the car with the seller while you put a policy in place. If you take the risk and drive it home without appropriate insurance, you can be fined and be given penalty points. If you’re taken to court, you could even be banned from driving.

If you’re in a rush, you can arrange temporary car insurance which can cover you for as little as a day up to a few weeks or even months. This should give you enough time to search and compare quotes so that you have a policy that really fits your needs.

You can start a quote and search from dozens of trusted providers at mustard.co.uk, or speak to an expert on 0330 022 8825.

Roulette: where did it all begin?

The Editor
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Roulette: where did it all begin?
Roulette: where did it all begin?
Roulette: where did it all begin?

Roulette is a casino classic, a staple in gambling venues which has been around for centuries.

In fact, the primitive forms of Roulette-like games were actually around before the first casino opened in 1638 – a far cry from the digital online Roulette games that are so popular in the modern-day!

We’re talking way back to when the ancient Greeks and Roman soldiers would spin swords, shields and other weapons in between battles, placing bets on the outcome as a way to have fun and unwind.

So, in a way, that’s where Roulette began, but the journey of the wheel we know and love today didn’t begin until 1655…

Blaise Pascal

Accredited for inventing the Roulette wheel, among many other things (like his research towards the calculator), Pascal was a French mathematician and physicist.

In 1655, Pascal attempted to defy physics and create a perpetual motion machine. This failed, but Pascal was also an avid gambler at the time, so his invention didn’t go to waste. Instead, this birthed the primitive version of today’s Roulette wheel.

Francois and Louis Blanc

The next significant milestone for Roulette was when French brothers Francois and Louis Blanc moved to Hamburg, Germany. With a background in casino gaming, the duo sought out ways to help boost the struggling city’s economy.

They did this by ingeniously removing the double zero pocket from the standard Roulette wheel, leaving only the single zero pocket and significantly lowering the house edge.

This variation of the game became increasingly popular, and as word spread, it became known as European Roulette.

The Monte Carlo Casino

It was Francois Blanc, also known as the “Magician of Hamburg” by this time, who was responsible for the building and opening of the famous Monte Carlo Casino in 1865.

After striking a deal with Monaco’s Royal family at the time, Francois played the ultimate game of chance and invested all his money into the casino.

The Casino De Monte Carlo rose in popularity, later becoming known as the first modern casino of its time – featuring the European Roulette wheel at its centre.

Online Roulette

In 1996, the first online casino to allow automated payouts opened. At this time, not many people had access to computers, but those who did, could play a few of the classic games which had only previously been available at land-based casinos.

Roulette was one of the first games available.

Over the next few years, technology developed quicker than ever before, with the invention of mobile phones – upping the demand for greater bandwidth and faster internet speeds.

More people gained access to the internet, and online casinos continued to grow alongside this demand.

The modern day

In the modern-day, playing Roulette online offers an authentic experience, just like you would get if you were playing at a brick-and-mortar establishment.

Not only can you play digital, Random Number Generator (RNG)-run games, but you can play themed variations of Roulette with special features like multipliers.

There’s even the live casino, where a real-life dealer spins the wheel, directly from a specialist studio, in real-time!

—

Roulette has come a long way since the game of chance first made some sort of an appearance in ancient Greek and Roman times. So, do you think you’ll be giving the wheel a spin anytime soon? 

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