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Chocolate dove blesses budget supermarket

Chocolate dove blesses budget supermarket
Chocolate dove blesses budget supermarket

A ‘chocolate dove from above’, whom some believe may actually be the Lord Jesus Christ in a bird costume, has blessed a Suffolk budget supermarket. Praise be!

That’s the ‘belief’, at least, of a congregation of unscientific shoppers who popped into Singhsbury’s convenience store in Ipswich to purchase dozens upon dozens of religious eggs.

Fundamentalist fanatics filing

With Easter fast approaching (Sun, Apr 9, 2023), hordes of fanatical, chocolate-loving Christians filed through the confectionary aisle at the slightly scruffy-looking budget store run by local trader, Barry Singh, to witness the miracle of what some are describing as ‘the chocolate dove from above’

Hebrew Whispers

The Holy Bible (King James Version, £7.99 @ Amazon) tells its readers in Verse 3:16, that someone called Matthew told someone else, who wrote down “And Jesus, when he was baptized, went up straightway out of the water: and, lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove, and lighting upon him.

So there we have it. Undeniable proof that Jesus a.k.a. ‘God’ did indeed come down from heaven dressed as a dove, landed in Ipswich, and sat atop a box of Cadbury’s Caramel eggs. It’s a miracle!

God is real

Local fundamentalist parson who is a regular customer of a budget supermarket,. the Right Reverend Robert Bandicoot Q.C. and Bishop of Newmarket told this reporter “See! It is a miracle! We’ve been telling everyone around here for years that Jesus is a real person and that God is a real thing, but nobody believed us.

Now what do they have to say, eh? EH?” Asked if he had seen the dove (W.C. ‘small white pigeon’) himself, the Rev told us “Yes… and touched it.

And it spoke to me.” Really? “Yes.” What did it say? “Erm, it said, that I am doing a really great job as Bishop, that God Loves me, and that he knows where the £2,600 that’s gone missing from the ‘fix the cathedral roof fund’ is, and that it is being used for good, and that its nothing to do with me. Me. Not him.”

In other news…

In other news. Heartless, thieving vandals masquerading as animal rights activists have raided Ipswich pet shop, ‘Pussies Galore’ causing hundreds of pounds worth of damage to, mainly, cages.  

A small quantity of stick insects was stolen, and a cat was placed upside down in a horse trough, and smothered with fibrous hamster bedding. Also, a plethora of birds was deliberately freed from their cages, including… wait for it… six small, white pigeons.

W.C. = Working Class

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