A Suffolk supermarket has reported sales of Notella chocolate spread have gone straight down the toilet.
Slightly scruffy-looking budget convenience store, Singhsbury’s, owned and managed by local trader, Barry Singh reported on its twitter feed that Notella sales have declined 7550% since a recent rejig in the shop. Mr Singh told this reporter “So its really disappointing what’s happened. Everybody loves Notella innit? Especially the kids and the fat lasses. We sell a lot of the stuff, at least we used to.”
Crap breakfast
Notella is produced mainly out of sugar and palm oil which together comprise over 50% of its ingredients. Hazelnuts make up only about 13%. Despite this, many working-class parents still force their kids to eat it for breakfast spread over toast, crumpets, pancakes, or custard donuts.
I asked Mr Singh what was behind the recent slump in sales? “Shit.”
Excuse me?
“Shit. Innit?”
Sorry, how do you mean?
“So two weeks ago, my cousin came up from Wanstead in East London to help me rejig the place. We do it every 6 months to keep the place looking fresh and to confuse our customers a bit. Anyway, Jamal, my cousin, said why don’t we move the nappies to aisle 29, closer to the Notella to make it easier for mums to buy both at the same time? It sounded like a good idea so we did it. It took bloody ages, I can tell you.”
But it didn’t work?
“No, it bloody didn’t work.”
Why not?
“Because the picture of the kid eating Notella, which we moved closer to the nappies aisle, looks like he is spreading his own shit all over his face, innit? And then he is eating it. It is a turn-off to the mums. So the sales – pthffffff – straight down the toilet, where the kid’s shit should have gone, lol.”
We all dread those moments. The phone rings in the office, and you pick up to find a particularly disgruntled client on the line. It can be the ultimate test of your patience and sanity, but it’s important to understand, as a business leader, that those moments are to be expected.
It is impossible to keep every client happy all the time, and your business is bound to fall into a few potholes as it begins to develop and discover itself.
These potholes will lead to disgruntled clients, but it’s your job to appease these clients and ensure you are saying the right thing to calm the situation and keep them invested in your company – especially as a B2B company that thrives on existing clients over newcomers.
With this in mind, there are certain things you should never say if you want to avoid losing disgruntled customers. As a business leader, it is likely that you already know the most obvious ones, but it is essential that you refresh your memory and relay the information to your team – who will be experiencing those clients on the front line.
Here are five particular phrases you should keep underwraps to ensure you do not lose a client with a single phone call:
“Calm Down!”
The big one. But probably the phrase you will want to say immediately. Nevertheless, telling a client to calm down immediately gives the impression that you don’t believe there is an adequate reason for them to be worked up. News flash: there very well might be.
As a fully operating company, you are likely utilising all of your b2b communication channels, but face-to-face (or ear-to-ear) communication ultimately gives you the best indication of client sentiment. Listen to their concerns, let them vent, keep your own inflection calm, and a solution will be found for the issue.
“I’m Not Sure”
While this is not a particularly bad phrase to use, it should always be avoided whilst on the phone to a client. As a successful B2B company – that is actively trying to achieve loyalty – you are likely using your marketing channels to show that you are experts in your trade.
Being an expert and ensuring you know all the terminologies and exactly what the clients are looking for, you should never give an indication that you are “unsure” about a certain query. Especially if there’s no follow up. If you are truly stumped about what might have gone wrong, simply tell them that you’re “going to find out” and do it immediately. This will at least retain the image that you are the experts and, although you are struggling to pinpoint an issue, you are doing everything you can to resolve the issue there and then.
“You’re Wrong”
Ever wondered why the customer is always right? It is because happy customers mean loyal customers and more spending for your business. Telling your client that they are wrong – even if they might be – is never a good route to go down. That’s not to say you cannot protect your business if you believe you are in the right, however.
Instead, you need to focus on other phrases such as “miscommunication” or “honest mistake”. These are far less confrontational and will bring you a step further to solving the issue. Remember, 70% of clients end their loyalty with an organisation because they felt they were treated rudely. Saying “you’re wrong” will only rile up a client and risk losing them forever.
“You’re Through To The Wrong Person, Let Me Put You On Hold”
This is specifically for small-business leaders – or those who are at the top of the chain. It can be easy to get comfortable with your own job and leave the problems with clients to your employees. Bad move.
As a small business, your team is probably small too, so everyone has a part to play in securing the most important part of the business: your clients. If you know you can help, do not pass the task on to someone else. The client has got through to you, so you are the person who has to deal with the problem and help them to find a resolution.
“We Can’t Do That”
Lastly, always make sure the call ends with a resolution. As a business, there should be nothing you can’t do to help a client. The reason this is important is because as many as 95% of customers will share a bad experience with others – with 45% sharing their negative experience on social media.
This means that, by failing to solve the issue, you are risking the loss of that client and damage to your existing marketing channels. Acquiring new customers is still important as a B2B company, and refuting a client will only strain your ability to do this. Make sure the call ends with a positive resolution and you will find yourself in a much better position with that client and all the potential clients that you are looking to attain.
Surveys reveal that competition is one of the main things that intimidate job seekers and prevent them from applying for positions in top companies, even more so if they’re in a super competitive industry. But as Arnold Glasow once said, “Without the spur of competition, we’d loaf out our life.”
The competition keeps companies, employers, and job seekers alike on their toes. With today’s competitive job market, finding a job might be a long process, filled with rejection. But with the right strategies and mindset and the help of Skillhub resume writers, it’s possible to bypass other candidates and land your dream job. Here’s how.
Networking is the key to finding hidden job opportunities that may not be advertised on job boards or social media. By building a strong network of professionals in your industry, you’ll be able to hear about job openings before they are advertised publicly. Attend industry conferences, join professional organizations, and connect with known industry experts.
Even if you’re an introvert discouraged by the idea of having to socialize with professional connections in person, not everything’s lost for you. These days, one of the best places for accessible and productive networking is LinkedIn. To encourage you, here’s a story of Jenna, a market analyst who has successfully landed her dream job thanks to LinkedIn networking.
LinkedIn Networking Success Story
Jenna had always dreamed of working at Mindshare, but with the high competition for market analyst positions, she knew it would take more than just submitting her resume and cover letter online. So she decided to leverage the power of LinkedIn networking to increase her chances of getting noticed by the hiring team at Mindshare.
Jenna started by reaching out to people in her network who worked at Mindshare and others in the industry who might have connections or insights. She sent personalized messages to hiring managers, recruiters, and those Mindshare employees whose profiles looked the most approachable. She also joined relevant LinkedIn groups and actively participated in discussions to make herself more noticeable.
It took her a few months, but eventually, her efforts paid off. One day, Jenna received a message from a person with whom she’d once had a heated discussion about the best ways of analyzing the market demand and has occasionally messaged back and forth with. They had recently found out about a job opening at Mindshare and remembered Jenna’s interest in the company.
They reached out to Jenna and offered to refer her. They also gave her valuable insights into the company’s culture and hiring process to make things easier for her. In two weeks, Jenna became Mindshare’s newest market analyst.
#2 Perfect Your Resume and Cover Letter
Start by tailoring your resume and cover letter to each job you apply for. Hiring managers receive hundreds of applications for a single position, and they’re looking for candidates who stand out from the crowd. By customizing your applications to the specific job, you’ll show your potential employer that you’ve taken the time to understand the role and are genuinely interested.
Also, did you know that, on average, hiring teams see only 3 out of 10 resumes submitted for a job opening? Most top companies use Applicant Tracking Systems (ATS) these days. Unless your resume includes all the necessary keywords and is deemed “relevant” by this software, you have zero chances of hearing back from the recruiter. So unless you’re a true resume and cover letter-writing pro, consider getting expert help.
#3 Come to the Interview Prepared
Once you’ve secured an interview, it’s time to shine. Research the company and the position thoroughly to demonstrate your interest and knowledge. Memorize the key milestones in the company’s history, read up on its corporate culture, and check its mission and vision. Show the interviewer that you’ve done your homework.
Also, never neglect to prepare for common interview questions and practice your responses. And think of exciting and well-informed questions to ask the interviewer; they like that. Dress appropriately, arrive early, and project confidence. Remember, the interview is your chance to show the hiring manager why you’re the best candidate.
#4 Be Persistent
Immunity to rejections is key when it comes to job hunting. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t get the job after the first interview (even if, in your opinion, it went perfectly). Keep applying for jobs that match your qualifications and interests. The more you apply and interview, the better you’ll become at presenting yourself as the best candidate for the job.
Also, don’t hesitate to ask for feedback on your application materials or interview performance. Some hiring managers are willing to give it, which is an excellent way for you to learn what your mistakes are and fix them. Many job seekers land jobs at their dream companies on the second, third, or even fourth try. Openness to criticism and commitment always pays off.
#5 Develop New Skills
Finally, one of the best ways to bypass other candidates is to develop new skills that make you stand out. Take online courses, attend workshops, and pursue certifications in your field to demonstrate your dedication to your profession. The more skills and qualifications you have, the more valuable you’ll be to potential employers.
By the way, don’t forget about soft skills. This often comes as a surprise to job seekers, but some of the top employers value soft over hard skills. And if you’re wondering where to begin, these are the most in-demand ones among them:
Analytical thinking;
Stellar communication;
Ability to work independently;
Customer service;
Ability to both accept and deliver negative feedback;
Exceptional time management.
That’s the list, according to LinkedIn. But it depends on the industry you work in and the position you’re after.
To Sum Up
Finding your dream job combines networking, perfecting your applications, interview preparation, persistence, and skill development. Investing your time and effort in all of these will increase your chances of standing out from other candidates and getting the position you want. As to your resume, resume writing professionals are always there to help you with it.
A care home nurse who retired after 45 years of devoted service in the same care home was essentially told to fuck off on her last day.
Mavis Baloney (62), had worked at Bright Futures care home in Gazely, W.Suffolk since first joining as a trainee care worker in 1978 – the year Ipswich beat Arsenal 0-1 in the FA cup final at Wembley.
It was a match dominated by an energetic and creative Ipswich side, managed by England legend, Bobby Robson. The underdogs were unlucky not to go ahead earlier in the first half of the match when Paul Mariner hit the bar, and later in the second half after John Wark had twice hit the post. The game was all but won when Roger Osborne flashed in the winner from close range on 77 minutes. The victory was Ipswich’s first and only in an FA cup final.
Getting back to the story
After clocking off for the final time, Mavis (the care home nurse), who had cared for over 16,000 geriatric residents during her career, was surprised by a small gathering of colleagues and guests in the lounge area, which had been decorated with a single balloon and a hastily manufactured and misspelled ‘Goodbye Mvis’ sign.
It was an emotional occasion and there wasn’t a dry eye (or mattress) in the home when a card and collection totaling £14.92 were presented to a surprised and appreciative Mavis.
Did anyone appraise the care home nurse?
After a short speech in which Manageress, Deidre Feathers, recognized Mavis’s dedication and professionalism during her many years at the home, and also her extraordinary effort during the Covid-19 pandemic during which she assisted in the deaths of over 27 guests, a farewell cake was wheeled out by oldest living resident, Vera (96), herself in a wheelchair.
At this point, Brian Savage, Managing Director of UK Care, the multinational health provider contracted by the NHS to offer private care to the elderly across the UK, stepped forward and removed the tin foil covering the cake.
Completely false
Upon revealing the farewell cake with it’s badly-drawn and slightly ungenerous message ‘Fuck U Quitter!’, pandemonium broke out in the care home. Three geriatrics pissed themselves with fear, two with laughter.
The old dear in the wheelchair rammed herself into a tall rubber plant which fell over and landed on another old timer, Eric, who was sitting half asleep in a tobacco-infused armchair. Waking with a start, the bewildered OAP spat out his loose-fitting false teeth which landed in the middle of the lounge, where two more demented nonagenarians were waltzing to imaginary music they last heard in the 1940’s.
As they stumbled, arm in arm around the urine-stained carpet, one of them, carefully watched by Molly the cat, kicked Eric’s falsies across the room straight into the goldfish tank.
By the time this was all over, Mavis (the care home nurse) was already on the No.312 on her way home, sans cake but £14.92 better off.
In a sign that Suffolk postal services are improving, Ipswich Royal Mail has delivered a letter one hundred and seven years late.
The current occupants of 17 Hamlet Road, Ipswich were phlegmatic (W.C. ‘having an unemotional and calm disposition.’) about the letter’s arrival as they assumed the date stamp of 6 FEB 16 referred to 2016 – a date which would have made the letter only seven years late and normal by the standards of Royal Mail.
Pine’n’Mash
The faded, musty envelope that plopped through the Hamlet Road letterbox last week, was posted on 6th February 1916 by Mrs Emily Pine to her ‘friend’, Mrs Oswald Mash. In those days, correspondence was addressed to the man of the house, even if the letter’s contents were none of his goddamn business. The letter was actually intended for Milicent Mash, who was, up until a couple of days before the letter was written, a close ‘friend’ of Emily’s.
Back to the future
Jason and Kelly Newgent who today, reside at No.17, told this reporter what the letter said. “After we opened the envelope, WHICH WE KNEW WAS AGAINST THE LAW BEFORE WE DID IT, we were excited to find this pristine little folded piece of paper nuzzled inside, like a Georgian hamster napping at the back of its cage.” Said Ms Newgent, before sniffing loudly and wiping the end of her nose with her sleeve. “It was so delicate. We realised there and then that the envelope and letter were way older than seven years, and we were right.” Added Jason, as he swiped the greasy fringe of his hair away from his forehead.
Indeed they were. The letter inside was dated 5th February 1916 A.D. but was in as good a condition as the day it was posted – hundreds of years ago.
That ‘Ooooh’ thing
Dave takes up the story. “So, we looked at the date, and then at each other. Then we looked at the date again, simultaneously, and then again at each other. Then we both did that ‘Ooooh’ thing, where you pout your lips, tense your shoulders, and shake your head a little, in that overexcited, childlike way that makes people gag when they see other people do it. Then, simultaneously, our four eyes scanned down to the body of the letter. Do you know what it said?”
No. What?
C*NT
“…In big, massive letters. Well, we were shocked, weren’t we?” asked Kev of Julie.
“Yes, we were, weren’t we?” replied Julie
“Yes, we were.” said the both of them.
“I didn’t know they had words like that during WWI, did you?” asked Julie of Jason.
“No, I didn’t, did you? replied Dave”
“No, I didn’t” said Julie.
What else did the letter say?
“Well, apparently, Emily thought that Millicent was having it away with her husband, while her husband, Oswald was off fighting the war.” Explained Paula. “Her husband, Jack, denied it but he would, wouldn’t he! So basically it was a warning letter, telling Millicent to stay the f*ck away or else.”
Were you alive in 1916? Are you a long-lost relative of Millicent, or Oswald Mash, or Emily Pine? Do you have a letter that hasn’t arrived after hundreds of years? Call the SUFFOLK GAZETTE TODAY! *We pay HUNDREDS of pounds for stories like this one.
Boozy old-aged pensioners in Southwold, Suffolk have never had it so good thanks to a kindly landlord who has offered to provide FREE ALE to geriatric patrons of his Wickstead Arms community public house.
Fat publican, Gerrard Twattlesbrick, a former snake oil salesman and used car dealer from Barnsley, South Yorkshire, came up with the idea when he noticed how many OAPs passed his pub on a Thursday morning on their way to the post office to collect their pension money.
As we stood on the doorstep of his ‘free’ house, Twattlesbrick, ‘twat’ to his mates, told this reporter “Now, I don’t want people to think I’m a saint or anything – I’m not – but I am a community-spirited man. I’m trustworthy. Anyone around ‘ere will tell you that.”
“He’s not.” mumbled a frail old gent in a black suit riding past on a mobility scooter.
“Ignore him. He’s just a local troublemaker.” Sneered the publican.
“I’m not. I’m the vicar.” Said the old fella, pointing to his dog collar.
“Anyway, like I said, I’m not a saint, I’m not claiminng that, but I do want to do the right thing by the old folk ‘round ‘ere. Times are hard right now, but I want them to know they can trust old Gerrard to look after them, so long as they come into my pub on the way back from the post office. On pension day.”
I asked the portly purveyor of ales, wines and spirits how much free ale he had given away since his charitable gesture. “Well… free ale, did you say? Well, so far… let me think… hang on… erm? Well, I would say… in total… none.”
None?
“Well you see, its not their fault, bless ‘em, but the old folk around ‘ere they are not that bright and a lot of them are blind or deaf too. Look…” At this, Twattlesbrick pointed to the chalk sign positioned outside on the street. “It says very clearly, down there at the bottom, under the big FREE bit, they only get the ale if they come in with their grandparents! I wrote it like that because we are a community pub, and I wanted all the family to come along so that on-one gest left out, stuck at ‘ome in the cold. Our pub is nice and warm.”
I decided to go inside the pub to experience said warmth and to buy a drink. I noticed there was a special lane leading to the bar, busy with older customers, with a sign above it reading “Over 70’s queue here for FREE ALE. Please have your wallets and purses out ready. Thank you, Gerrard.”
Disabled parents turned away from Felsham baby shop
Disabled people are so lazy, don’t you think? Well no, of course not, but the owners of ‘Felsham Prams and Baby’ in Suffolk clearly do, if their unwelcoming signage is anything to go by.
A sign perched on top of its clearly inaccessible accessibility lift reads “NOTICE. To use the diabled lift, (sounds like the person who wrote it was disabled) please come upstairs to the buffet & notify a member of staff so that we can turn the power on. Thank you.”
Jesus. It might as well have read “NOTICE. If you’re disabled, fuck off.”
You can just picture the owners discussing it upstairs in the office…
“So look guys, if we leave the spaz lift on all the time it will cost us a fortune in electricity. I mean how many rasperries do we get in here in a year anyway? Can they even have children? I mean come on! FFS! People who use wheelchairs still have arms don’t they? Can’t they just drag themselves up the stairs and shop crawling around on the floor? They must be used to it by now!”
“Agreed. And why do they even need a pram… they’re on wheels already… I know!”
“What?”
“Send them up to the buffet. If they make it that far, when they ask for the lift to be turned on, we can pretend we couldn’t understand what they were saying because we thought their mouths were full of food. Duh-duh-duh-duh.”
“Lol. Yes! Well done, Fred. That’ll work! Right, go and turn the electricity off… and put a sign up.”
The Cheltenham Festival is fast approaching and the odds are constantly fluctuating as punters begin to dip their toes in the choppy, unpredictable waters of ante-post betting.
One race that already looks like a foregone conclusion from a betting perspective is the prestigious Gold Cup, with Galopin Des Champs as short as 13/8 — making the Willie Mullins-trained horse one of the smallest-priced favourites for the Blue Riband race this millennium.
It would be foolish to write off a race as competitive as the feature that easily, however. So, instead of thinking Galopin Des Champs is going to win because the bookies have made him the clear favourite in the Gold Cup odds, let’s look at some of the key trends and stats from the last 12 years to dig a little deeper.
Age
11 of the last 12 winners were aged between seven and nine, with six-year-old Long Run the last horse to buck that trend in 2011. Only two seven-year-olds and as many nine-year-olds have won in the last 12 years too, with eight-year-olds triumphant on seven occasions.
Scratched: Minella Indo, Coole Cody
Race form
Nine of the last 12 Gold Cup victors won on their last outing before the Festival, with the already scratched 2021 winner Minella Indo, defending champion A Plus Tard and shock 2014 outsider Lord Windermere the only exceptions.
Scratched: Stattler, A Plus Tard, Noble Yeats, Protektorat, Fury Road, Sounds Russian, Shishkin, Royale Pagaille, Envoi Allen, Eldorado Allen, Franco De Port, Galvin, Angels Breath, Ga Law
Course and distance form
Race form has scratched a lot of the early entries, so let’s see how the remaining potential runners fare on course and distance form. One of the most important stats thus far is that all of the last 12 winners have had at least one previous run at Prestbury Park. A win at Cheltenham isn’t as key, with just six of the last 12 boasting previous Festival victories.
In terms of distance, all but one of the last 12 winners have had at least two runs over three miles or further and the same number had at least one victory over that distance. To delve a little deeper, eight of the last 12 had at least two wins over three miles or further.
Scratched: Hewick (never had a run at Cheltenham)
Rating
11 of the last 12 winners were rated 164 or higher, which keeps our six remaining early entries — Gaolpin Des Champs (181), Bravemansgame (181), Ahoy Senor (174), Conflated (176), The Real Whacker (164) and Capodanno (164) — in the running.
Grade 1 wins
With the Gold Cup being the most prestigious race there is in jumps racing, it will perhaps comes as no surprise that all of the last 12 winners have won at least one Grade 1. Seven of the 12 have won two, but that’s not enough to scratch a horse on that basis.
Scratched: The Real Whacker
Season runs
Nine of the last 12 winners had at least two runs in the same season, with all but one having won at least once.
Scratched: Capodanno
Fence and hurdle form
While the Gold Cup is, of course, contested over fences, it is interesting to note that all of the last 12 winners had at least four runs over hurdles before going chasing. That sees us say goodbye to Ahoy Senior, who raced just twice over the smaller obstacles — albeit winning both.
In terms of chase form, this is where it gets interesting. 10 of the last 12 winners had at least seven previous runs over fences, which puts a slight doubt besides Galopin Des Champs as the Gold Cup will only be his seventh attempt.
However, all of the last 12 had at least two chase wins and all but one had three wins over fences. The Mullins-trained horse meets those requirements, so we will let him off the fact he hasn’t experienced seven chases.
—
That leaves us with just three potential winners – Galopin Des Champs, Bravemansgame and Conflated. But, considering that just five of the last 12 winners were the favourites and only two were 10/1 or bigger, we’d have to side with Bravemansgame.
Winner: As an eight-year-old with two wins from two this season, six wins in seven chases, three career Grade 1s, a Cheltenham run under his belt, multiple wins over three miles and a rating of 181, Bravemansgame is our Gold Cup winner.
