Greater Anglia invests in faster, greener locomotives

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Greater Anglia trains is developing a new line of locomotives that will be faster and more reliable than its current vintage fleet.

The hamster-powered stock, revealed in our exclusive footage, above, will be used on the mainline from London Liverpool Street to East Anglia, and will reach speeds of up to five miles an hour, considerably faster than the current units.

A Greater Anglia insider said: “Using hamster power is cheaper, faster and cleaner than our current trains. It only takes a few seeds and a bottle of water and then, hey presto, we have a more reliable train service than ever before.”

Staff added that new hamster-powered trains could be introduced as early as next year, with the hamster being swapped for a fresh one every two stops.

But passengers were concerned about animal cruelty. One commuter said: “Working for Greater Anglia is barbaric.”

Trials are currently ongoing at the Ilford depot, from where secret footage was leaked to the Suffolk Gazette. Our film, at the top of the page, shows a hamster powering its way along the track towards Brentwood.

Dirty Old Goat

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