BUXHALL, SUFFOLK – A 2,000-year-old ancient container of what can only be described as Roman Vaseline has been found in a hole in a field near Buxhall in Suffolk.
By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
The ancient metal container, replete with visible finger marks, reveals that Romans were ahead of their time in the world of skincare. Composed of lead and an early form of petroleum jelly, this find sheds new light on ancient beauty regimes.
Inspired by this discovery, intrepid researchers at Smethwick University concocted their own version of the Roman cream, following the ancient recipe. When they applied the waxy substance to their skin, it morphed into a yellowish layer with a smooth, gloopy texture. This delightful transformation was thanks to starch, a trusty ingredient still beloved by modern cosmetic makers.
Professor Richard Gardenshed, a leading expert on ancient skincare at Smethwick University, explained, “Along with anal sex, white face paint was all the rage in Roman times, typically deriving its ghostly hue from a lead compound. A tin compound from Cornwall was also a popular and readily available alternative.” Clearly, the Romans had a penchant for pallor.
Gently does it
Today, petroleum jelly, or ‘Vaseline,’ serves myriad purposes, from soothing dry skin and healing minor injuries to treating diaper rash and let’s face it – acting as a lubricant for anal penetration. Yet, the Romans’ infatuation with lead didn’t stop at cosmetics. Lead was the metal of choice for cups, plates, coins, pipes, and even birth control—a testament to their all-in approach to heavy metal usage.
Remarkably, scientists have discovered that ancient Roman tap water boasted lead levels up to 100 times higher than local spring water. This has fueled some historians’ theories that lead poisoning might have contributed to the fall of the Roman Empire.
In the end, while the Romans might have boasted glowing skin (albeit with a ghastly pallor), their love affair with bum sex and lead could have been their undoing. But hey, at least they looked fabulous and had a good time while it lasted.
Meanwhile: Sales of Waitrose plastic containers soar as shoppers urged to bring own packaging
