Tuesday, April 2, 2024

Neolithic ‘Barbie & Ken’ dolls dug up in Essex field

Neolithic ‘Barbie & Ken’ dolls dug up in Essex field
Neolithic ‘Barbie & Ken’ dolls dug up in Essex field

ILFORD, ESSEX –  A team of archaeologists in Ilford, Essex, has unearthed 3,000-year-old stone figures of Barbie & Ken. Depicting ancient Suffolk hut-dwellers who embarked on an unexpected journey far beyond their county borders.

Angling Correspondent: Courtney Pike

The figures, standing approximately 25cm in height, portray a male and female (Barbie & Ken) with explicit anatomical details. Shedding light on the bizarre sex parts of Middle Neolithic Suffolk.

The stone artefacts suggest that the intrepid Suffolk villagers ventured further afield than was previously thought. Reaching what is now the border between Essex and East London. Archaeologists are abuzz with the revelation that the ancient inhabitants were not merely confined to their Suffolk abodes but embraced a spirit of exploration.

I’m a Barbie girl, in a Middle Neolithic world

Curiously, the figures depict the Suffolk explorers in a state of undress. Their genitals boldly exposed—a detail that has sparked lively debates among historians. Some speculate the figurines are early religious icons symbolizing their tribe’s deference to their gods. While others say they look more like early Barbie & Ken dolls.

Barbie & Ken mystery

The mystery deepens as to why these ancient Suffolk pioneers, having ventured into the borderlands of Essex and East London. Failed to bring back any advanced technology or knowledge to their home village.

Historians are scratching their heads, wondering if perhaps the allure of Ilford’s ancient wonders was outweighed by the reluctance to share newfound sophistication with their savage Suffolk brethren.

Tits and arses

Some commentators are seizing upon this ancient oversight as an explanation. For what many people regard as the retardation of people of modern-day Suffolk. The notion that the failure to bring back advanced technology millennia ago somehow reflects on present-day Suffolk residents has sparked outrage among locals. Who argue that they would rather be seen as backwards Suffolk country folk, than egotistical Essex chavs.

Meanwhile: Neolithic dig unearths ancient Norwich City football trophy

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