SUFFOLK SWIMMING LAKE – Visitors to a popular Suffolk swimming lake were left both alarmed and faintly bewildered on Sunday afternoon, when a trainee lifeguard took a rather unconventional approach to lifesaving.

The incident began in ordinary fashion. A man in his 20s got into difficulty midway across the lake, prompting whistles, splashes, and the sudden appearance of the lifeguard team.

Senior lifeguard Melanie Hughes leapt into action, dragging the unconscious swimmer to shore and immediately commencing cardiopulmonary resuscitation.

It was at this point that matters diverged from the training manual.

Trainee lifeguard Kelly Smith, 19, apparently recalling only the words “administer oral resuscitation,” moved with impressive urgency but questionable anatomical accuracy. Eyewitnesses confirm she attempted to revive the man by blowing earnestly into his penis.

Blow dry

Hughes, mid-compression, is said to have barked, “Not that sort of rescue, Kelly!” before redirecting her to the correct end of the patient. Spectators, meanwhile, oscillated between concern for the unconscious swimmer and embarrassment at what was unfolding lakeside.

The patient, mercifully, regained consciousness after Hughes’ textbook efforts. He was later discharged from hospital with no ill effects, save a story he may or may not choose to share at dinner parties.

A spokesperson for Suffolk Leisure Services issued a carefully worded statement: “While we commend our trainee’s enthusiasm, we will be revisiting the clarity of our instructional materials. The phrase ‘mouth-to-mouth’ will, from now on, be underlined in bold.”

Smith, for her part, has taken the mishap in stride. “It was my first live rescue,” she said. “I thought I was improvising. I think the patient enjoyed it.”