NAYLAND, SUFFOLK – Santa Claus has found himself ‘up a chimney without a mince pie’ as his trusty 200-year-old sleigh has succumbed to the perils of rot and rust—at the worst possible time.
By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent
Santa declared his sleigh “fucked” due to its vector quantity hyperflange dangling precariously off the rear end and in dire need of major repairs.
Santa is Turkish
Born in A.D. 280 in Patara, near Myra in modern-day Turkey, the man in red is no stranger to mechanical challenges. Having designed and constructed the iconic sleigh himself.
Over the past 200 years, it has dutifully carried him through countless chimneys and over snowy rooftops. Delivering joy and presents to children worldwide. However, the relentless march of time has taken its toll on its hyperflange, rendering it unstable and unsuitable for this year’s Christmas Eve run.
Considering his options, Santa briefly flirted with the idea of selling his historic sleigh to the highest bidder on webuyanysleigh.com, but thankfully an old mate of Santa’s – benevolent Suffolk farmer, Reg Crankshaft – stepped in at the last minute. Recognizing the severity of his iconic pal’s predicament, Crankshaft generously agreed to loan him his trusty tractor, a workhorse that, although not airworthy, can easily pull a sleigh loaded with 2 billion gifts plus 18 stone Santa.
Whirring all the way
As Santa makes final preparations for this year’s Christmas deliveries, he may well have mixed emotions about setting off without his beloved sleigh. Armed with his friend’s sturdy stand-in however, he knows that at least the expectant children of the world won’t miss out on their longed-for presents, even if this year, they are roused midway through the night by the whirr of a tractor engine outside their window, rather than the unmistakable jingle of sleigh bells overhead