Blackpool Zoo is hiring human beings to deter nuisance seagulls from stealing food from visitors’ lunchboxes.
The quirky call-up is aimed at people who, despite loving seagulls, are quite happy to shout at, hit and kick them in order to protect the eating rights of humans.
Other qualifications successful candidates should possess include:-
- Not having a proper job
- Willing to wear a stupid inflatable bird costume
- Happy to work for minimum wage + unlimited birdseed
- Willing to be chased, hit, and kicked by small children (without retaliating)
- Ready to be disowned by your family
- Not allergic to bird shit
- No previous experience necessary
- Mental illness a plus
Zoo boss, Caroline Frampton (28) told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, “We love all animals at Blackpool Zoo – except seagulls. They are dirty, aggressive, noisy, and worst of all, ugly looking. No one at the zoo, including our visitors likes them. Unfortunately, animal rights laws prevent us from killing them, which is why we have had to think up another solution to protect our visitors.”
Twatting away a dive-bombing gull with her clipboard, former Rentokil Chief Executive, Frampton went on…
“We are looking for people with strong outgoing personalities to do this important work on behalf of the zoo. By ‘outgoing personality’, I mean someone who is loud, over-confident, with very little self-awareness and virtually zero self-esteem. In short… a moron.”
Think you’re up to the job? Contact: firstname.lastname@example.org