Saturday, July 20, 2024

Suffolk Church flouts word of God

Suffolk Church flouts word of God
Suffolk Church flouts word of God

FLOWTON, SUFFOLK – St. Luke’s church in the quaint Suffolk village of Flowton is publicising a devilish offer to its parishioners: “two free wanks” per month.

The eyebrow-raising proposition is purportedly aimed at male members of the community who have found themselves addicted to internet pornography.

While some regular churchgoers have been left incredulous by the suggestive offer, others view it as a genuine attempt to rescue those who have succumbed to the allure of free online porn.

Suffolk Church’s vicar, Reverend William Handy, defended the initiative, insisting that it was born out of a desire to provide support and guidance to individuals grappling with their cocks addiction.

Boobs, bums, and ballbags

However, not everyone is convinced of the Suffolk church’s noble intentions. Henrietta Pish, chair of the Bury St Edmunds chapter of the campaign group Residents Against Everything (RAGE), minced no words in her criticism of the scheme. “Boobs, bums, and ballbags. The vicar appears to have nothing but sex on the brain,” she remarked scathingly. “I think he should remember what is written in Thessalonians 4:4 ‘that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honourable.’ Really!”

Suffolk Church critics

The controversial offer has sparked heated debate both within and outside the church community, with opinions sharply divided on whether it represents a genuine attempt at intervention or a misguided foray into the realm of sexual liberation.

Only time will tell whether St. Luke’s will succeed in its mission to wean parishioners off their digital vices and devices or whether the initiative will ultimately be judged a load of old wank.

Meanwhile: Church closes doors and moves to Tesco

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