Friday, January 13, 2023

Suffolk newsagent offers inbred greeting cards

Suffolk newsagent offers inbred greeting cards
Suffolk newsagent offers inbred greeting cards

An enterprising newsagent is selling greetings cards catering to the local inbred community of Stowmarket, Suffolk.

Graham Patel, owner of GP Newsagent’s on Station Road, realized there might be a gap in the market for the products after noticing that many of his customers looked the same. “I thought I was going mad y’know?” said Patel as he refilled the refrigerator with Mars Milk drinks. “Every time my bell dinged, I looked up and there they was again. The same person. At least that is what I thought. Turns out they was different people but virtually all related through centuries of inter-breeding. Cor…what a relief. I thought I was going gaga innit!”

It was after one of Graham’s customers asked for a greeting card with a particular message, that he realized he might be able to create the new range of ‘inbred’ greetings cards.

Mother was father’s sister

“So this lady comes in the shop, she was a bit goggle-eyed, like. There’s four or five that come in that look just like her. I wasn’t sure which one she was. Anyway, she asks me ‘have you got a birthday card for an uncle dad?’ Uncle dad? Is that a thing? I asked her. ‘Yeah’ she said ‘It’s my uncle dad’s birthday tomorrow.’ Oh, I said. And then I told her that we didn’t have any cards specifically for uncle dads but suggested that maybe she could buy two cards and stick them together. Which is what she did.”

Newsagent’s Greeting card

Patel told us how over the next few days he asked his goggle-eyed customers about their families to find out what kind of cards might sell well. Once he had a basic grasp of local inbred genealogy, he started to design cards especially for his inbred customers. He showed us a selection…

Lovely sentiment

“The first one was obviously ‘Happy Birthday Uncle Dad! Love ______ and Aunty Mum’ I left a blank there so the customer can just fill out their own name. Then there is ‘A girlfriend is a sister you choose’ – that one has a lovely sentiment. But my favourite is ‘Dear Grandad, you are the best Dad in the world!’ I like that one because it is respectful of the older generation, innit!”

A full selection of inbred greetings cards is available at GP Newsagent’s, Station Road, Stowmarket.

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