THE SLOW LANE, SUFFOLK – Suffolk Police proudly unveiled their latest crime-fighting weapon – a fleet of sleek Reliant Robin 850 cars, each adorned with the distinctive livery of the local constabulary.
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent
The peculiar choice of the Reliant Robin, limited to a top speed of 84mph, seems to reflect the cultural pace and perceived general retardation of the county of Suffolk.
Big move by Suffolk Police
The move has not escaped the satirical gaze of critics who argue that the only criminals likely to be apprehended by these four-wheeled slowpokes are those with the surname Trotter, a nod to the popular BBC comedy series ‘Only Fools and Horses.’ Social media erupted with jokes about the new pursuit vehicles, with one Twitter user quipping, “Watch out Suffolk, the crime wave is coming at a steady 35mph!”
Shut up, you tart!
Despite the mockery, Suffolk Police defended their decision, stating that the Robin Reliant’s fuel efficiency and quirky charm were ideal for community policing. Chief Constable Vera Dawdle declared, “We waarnt to show that we’re in turch with the people of Suffolk. And whaaaat says ‘progress’ more than a three-wheeled relic from the ’80s? Eh?”
In response, a member of the press pack whispered to this reporter, “They might catch a criminal, but only if the criminal is pushing their broken-down getaway car,” before sniggering quietly at his own joke.
While some residents applaud the nostalgic nod to the past, other alarmed locals complained the decision would further harm Suffolk’s reputation as a backwards-looking rural wasteland, more befitting of the medieval era.
Plonkers
Only time will tell whether or not the ‘plonker’ police cars will be effective against Suffolk’s criminal fraternity, locals are putting their trust in the Police, unlike Del Boy who famously protested: “You can’t trust the Old Bill, can ya? Look at that time they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom.”
