The Suffolk Gazette has bought the rights to the Boris Johnson Diet Book and is proud to reveal the secrets that could change your life.
In a frank and detailed list of activities, the book will help you shed stones and run the country.
We will be serialising the book in order to extract every piece of value from it that we can. But here are the key ingredients:
* Kick start your regime by having three ounces of unruly hair chopped off.
* Cut out all that foreign muck, like French butter and pate, Danish bacon and German sausages.
* Eat a rival for breakfast.
* Jog whenever you see a photographer.
* Step up the proteins, like lean rare beef, venison, pheasant, smoked salmon and Russian Caviar.
* Eat less bread. Leave it for the poor people.
* Join your local Darius Guppy Boxercise Class.
* Have sex six times a day either with someone you love, like yourself, someone else’s wife or your new bird Carrie who put you on the diet and is compiling the book.
* Hang an old outfit from when you were slender on the wardrobe door to motivate you. It could be one of your wedding outfits or your uniform from the Bullingdon Club.
* Keep a straight banana in your trouser pocket for emergencies.
* Cut out the Hobnobbing and keep your hands off the millionaire’s shortbread.
* Mindfulness is important so meditate for twenty minutes listening to your own speeches while hypnotising yourself to your favourite place, ie Number 10 Downing Street.
* Lift weighty books like Churchill.
* Snack on meagre Iranian prison rations.
* Allow yourself a treat every night, like a glass of Champagne or a teaspoon of Tate and Lyle’s Icing Sugar, which you can sip in black coffee or snort until you give an energetic sneeze.
* Exercise your brain, too, by knocking off a ten-minute column for the Daily Telegraph.
* Don’t feel guilty about having a lie down when you need one. Lying can be very good for you.