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‘Muslim women’ refused Halal cocktails after Suffolk pub mixer mix-up

‘Muslim women’ refused Halal cocktails after Suffolk pub mixer mix-up

OAKLEY BEER GARDEN, SUFFOLK – Three ‘Muslim women’ were refused halal cocktails at the Dog & Biscuit pub in Oakley, Suffolk, on Tuesday in what is being described as a non-crime mistaken identity incident.

Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

Patrons were left choking on their scampi fries after the pub’s short-sighted landlord, Malcolm Wren, spent over 30 minutes politely trying to explain to what he thought were three Muslim women in burkas that his pub did not sell Halal-certified cocktails—only to discover he was talking to a row of collapsed patio umbrellas.

“I just thought they were being very reserved,” Wren explained. “They didn’t say a word. Just stood there, heads down. I assumed they were shy, or perhaps non-drinkers.”

Wren, who has famously refused to wear glasses since he “lost a staring contest with a mirror in 1989,” launched into a long-winded monologue about the pub’s “inclusive but pork-scratchings-based” menu, explaining that the Shiraz Sangria contained traces of bacon, and the Bloody Mary was named after “a Christian saint, not a colonial offence.”

It wasn’t until a gust of wind caught one of the “ladies,” sending her cartwheeling across the beer garden and straight into a trellis, that Wren realised his mistake. “I just thought she’d had enough of my ethics,” he said.

Mohammadjito

Locals described the incident as “vintage Malc.” One regular noted, “Last week he gave a whole health and safety briefing to a hat stand.”

Wren has since issued an apology to “the umbrellas, any Muslim ladies who may visit in future, and the staff for making them look up what Halal gin might be.” He also promised to finally visit Specsavers, though warned “the world’s not ready for how clear I’ll be.”

Meanwhile: Waitrose to hold open evenings for common people only

Italian PM Meloni left ‘wanting more’ after dry encounter with Sir Keir

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Italian PM Meloni left ‘wanting more’ after dry encounter with Sir Keir

THE HAGUE — What began as a promising diplomatic dinner between UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer and Italy’s sultry far-right premier Giorgia Meloni quickly fizzled into a political lecture on the Chagos Islands, prompting onlookers to describe the encounter as “less moonlit diplomacy, more laminated flowchart.”

Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

The two leaders were spotted dining at a side table during the NATO summit, where Meloni reportedly arrived “expecting candlelight, dancing, and possibly a little Negroni-fuelled geopolitics.” Instead, she found herself being “trapped in a monologue about the importance of upholding international law, while Keir poked forlornly at a beetroot risotto.”

“He kept bringing up UN resolutions and quoting passages from the 1965 Lancaster House agreement,” said one Italian delegate. “By dessert, Giorgia was visibly texting someone under the table—possibly Viktor Orbán.”

Pasta my bedtime

While Starmer has spent months trying to reshape his image into that of a modern statesman, questions continue to swirl about his alleged past links to three Ukrainian rent boys arrested in 2011 in connection with a string of politically-motivated fire-bombings of Croydon bus shelters. Starmer has denied any knowledge, stating only that “as Director of Public Prosecutions, I posed for a lot of photos.”

Meloni, meanwhile, had reportedly brought a playlist of classic Italian love ballads and a backup plan involving limoncello and a balcony. “She was ready for La Dolce Vita,” sighed one aide. “He gave her A-Level Law. In PowerPoint.”

Asked about the failed diplomatic chemistry, Starmer replied: “There’s nothing sexier than legal clarity.” Before heading back to his hotel for an early night.

The Chagos Islands agreement, he insisted, was “good for everyone,” though observers note Meloni has since unfollowed him on Instagram and started liking Macron’s shirtless beach photos.

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Johnson and Lewis reboot rivalry in the great geriatric sprint-off

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Johnson and Lewis reboot rivalry in the great geriatric sprint-off

NAPLES, FL — Residents of the Golden Days Retirement Home for Athletes were treated to an unexpected burst of nostalgia (and sand) yesterday when former Olympic sprint rivals Ben Johnson and Carl Lewis spontaneously launched into a 100m dash along the Florida coastline.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

Witnesses say the two sextagenarian speedsters, now both residents of the high-end sporting retirement community, were quietly sipping mocktails in matching Crocs by the beach when a family celebrating “Grandma Mabel’s 100th” uncorked a bottle of bubbly with a dramatic pop.

“It was like muscle memory,” said 84-year-old discus legend Big Ron “The Arm” Simmonds. “One second they were talking about blood pressure meds, the next, they were halfway to Key West.”

Running out of road

The race, though unannounced and unregulated, was clocked unofficially by a lifeguard using the stopwatch app on his iPhone. “Ben had the early lead,” said local jogger Tanya Speers. “But Carl caught up when Ben tripped over a sandcastle shaped like the Sydney Opera House.”

The pair ultimately collapsed in a tie near a row of confused pelicans. When asked later what inspired them, Johnson said, “I heard the cork and thought the gun had gone off,” while Lewis added, “Old habits die hard. Also, I hate losing—even now.”

Golden Days staff have since installed signs reading “No Sudden Loud Noises Near Former Sprinters”, and the on-site café has renamed its smoothie bar ‘Track & Field of Dreams’.

A rematch is reportedly scheduled for Tuesday, assuming both men remember it’s happening. As for the champagne? It’s now served only with a gentle pssssst.

Tonight, Matthew, I will be… a grain of rice

Tonight, Matthew, I will be... a grain of rice

LONDON, UK – Nineties pop star Jimmy Ray, best known for asking “Are You Jimmy Ray?”, has found himself at the centre of a surreal domestic mystery involving bed crumbs, mistaken identity, and an unexpectedly talkative piece of paper.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

The incident occurred in the early hours of Tuesday morning when Ray, now 54, awoke to the sensation of something minuscule nestled against him in bed. “I thought it was a crumb,” said Ray, “but it had the soft squish of a cooked grain of rice. Which was odd, as I haven’t eaten rice since Saturday.”

In the dark, Ray dutifully extracted the item and placed it on his bedside table. It wasn’t until morning that the singer discovered the object was not rice at all, but a tiny piece of pink paper, expertly rolled into rice-like form.

Naturally, Ray questioned the object directly. “I said, ‘Are you rice?’ And it said, ‘No, but I played rice once.’”

Rice paper

According to the paper, it had recently appeared on the paper world’s version of Stars in Their Eyes, a televised talent competition where pieces of paper impersonate inanimate objects for fame and modest recognition.

“In the paper world’s version of Stars in Their Eyes, it’s less about soundalikes and more about shape-shifting,” Ray explained. “He told the host, ‘Tonight, Matthew, I will be… a grain of rice’ and he nailed it, winning the series.”

The rice-impersonating paper has since declined interviews, citing exhaustion and concerns over typecasting.

Meanwhile, Ray is considering writing a concept album about the encounter. “It’s either that or I’m losing my mind,” he added. “But honestly, it was the best conversation I’ve had with a carbohydrate impersonator in years.”

Scientists remain baffled.

We’re shopping! Pet Shop Boys go head to head in high store wars

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We're shopping! Pet Shop Boys go head to head in high store wars

LOWESTOFT, SUFFL – It’s a sin — or at least a minor planning infraction — as Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe, legendary synth-pop duo Pet Shop Boys, have reportedly fallen out after opening rival businesses in Lowestoft, Suffolk, and waging a bitter turf war over a single parking space.

Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

Tennant’s business, “The Pet Shop” at No. 213 High Street, sells cement, breeze blocks, and timber “for the working man who’s had enough of glossy lifestyle brands.” Next door at No. 214, Lowe’s outlet, “Boyes”, deals exclusively in spare parts for refrigerators, an enterprise he describes as more “Left to My Own Devices” than DIY.

Sources say the duo had once hoped their shops would prove a Positive Role Model for musicians branching into local commerce. But within weeks, tensions rose. “It started with passive-aggressive Post-it notes about axle width,” said a witness. “Now they’re shouting ‘You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You’re Drunk’ across the alley.”

It’s a scandal

The parking dispute escalated after Tennant’s concrete van repeatedly reversed over Lowe’s wheelie bin, prompting Lowe to leave a handwritten note quoting ‘What Have I Done to Deserve This?’ in Sharpie. Tennant retaliated by playing ‘Opportunities (Let’s Make Lots of Money)’ at full volume while unloading sacks of mortar.

Suffolk Council’s mediation offer has so far been declined. “They both want to be Always on My Mind, but there’s only room for one Transit,” said Councillor Glen Dancer. “This is like West End Girls go east, with less synth and more grit.”

As the feud grinds on, locals are caught in the middle, calling it “Lowestoft’s Domino Dancing moment.” Meanwhile, the solitary parking bay remains blocked by a traffic cone bearing the words: Go West.

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‘Honky tax’ to target white only motorists

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‘Honky tax’ to target white only motorists

IPSWICH — Ipswich Borough Council has announced a new £30 daily congestion charge targeting white motorists. After a month-long study revealed that 82% of all traffic clogging up the city’s Stoke Bridge Roundabout were white.

Economics Editor (on secondment from the Peking Times): Foo Tse

Dubbed unofficially as the “White Honky Tax”. The scheme will come into force this September and is already being described as “Sadiq Khan’s ULEZ on full bleach.”

“The science is clear,” said Council Traffic Coordinator Linda Pelt, pointing to a graph shaped suspiciously like a Ford Transit. “White cars not only reflect more light and confuse pigeons. They also account for the majority of dithering near junctions and excessive use of hazards in lay-bys.”

The tax will apply to all pale-hued motorists entering the IP1–IP4 postcode zones, with exemptions only for ambulances, ice cream vans, and “anyone delivering eggs without fanfare.”

My other van is white

Owners of white vehicles reacted with fury. “It’s not like I chose this colour,” said Geoff Parsnip, 57, of Kesgrave. “It was the only one left on the forecourt, and now it’s a criminal lifestyle.”

In response, dealerships across Suffolk have reported a run on beige, moss green, and “metallic sadness,” as drivers scramble to dodge the incoming charge. One enterprising spray shop in Chantry has already introduced a “Midnight Mocha” emergency respray package for £29.95.

Environmentalists, meanwhile, have cautiously applauded the move. “It’s nonsense, but it’s our kind of nonsense,” said one Extinction Rebellion activist from inside a hemp tent.

Council leaders insist the policy will “encourage diversity in vehicle palettes” and “remind motorists that visibility is not a virtue if you’re doing 11mph in the overtaking lane.”

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Bob Vylan takes job selling sausage rolls at Greggs

Bob Vylan takes job selling sausage rolls at Greggs

GREGGS, IPSWICH – Just days after sparking national uproar with his on-air cry to “Kill the IDF”, controversial punk-reggae frontman Bob Vylan has traded headlines for hairnets, quietly selling sausage rolls at Greggs on Ipswich High Street.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

The former firebrand performer – whose real name remains a well-guarded mystery, (Pascal Robinson-Foster)  – was dropped by his management and US booking agents within hours of his Glastonbury outburst. The US State Department promptly banned him from entering the country, describing him as “a threat to diplomacy and decency, and possibly pastry.”

Don’t release the sausages

Unfazed, Vylan has embraced his new chapter, telling customers who ask for the world famous savoury treats, “Fuck you, you can’t have that!”. Vylan himself prefers the vegan options while his daughter apparently “prefers mummy’s proper cooking”. “I’m not the story”, said a slightly crestfallen Vylan, “sausages are the story.”

Glastonbury organisers declined to comment, but sources say festival founder Michael Eavis has ordered a full review of the booking process, including a moratorium on acts described as “boringly political.”

Locals in Ipswich appear divided. One customer called the career pivot “a humbling moment for a pasty-faced radical” while another asked, “Isn’t that the bloke who used to be famous?”

Meanwhile, Greggs HQ has issued a statement confirming that while they do not endorse political slogans, they do value “initiative, punctuality, and the ability to restock steak bakes under pressure.”

When asked whether he’d return to music, Vylan shrugged: “You stole it right outta my hands

and pulled the rug right under my feet, I’m Nat Turner meets Nat King Cole, A well-dressed brother with a revolution in my soul, We the people in the street, got the gammons on retreat

and their blood boils over when we speak, so let it be heard, we ain’t wasting a scrap when we eat …at Greggs.”

He then shouted “Death to lukewarm pasties!” and went back to rotating a tray of sausage rolls.

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Council erects ‘U-Turn’ sign on Downing Street in tribute to Starmer’s endless flip-flopping

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Council erects 'U-Turn' sign on Downing Street in tribute to Starmer’s endless flip-flopping

DOWNING STREET, WHITEHALL – Westminster City Council has this week erected a permanent ‘U-turn’ traffic sign at the top of Downing Street, citing an “unprecedented increase in metaphorical and political reversals” under Prime Minister Keir Starmer.

Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

The sign, which features the traditional circular red border with a large black U-arrow, was installed directly outside No.10, reportedly between the ‘Dead End’ and ‘No Through Road’ signs already in place.

“This is not political,” insisted council spokesman Barry Nudge, squinting as workers bolted the sign into place. “It’s just basic traffic safety. When policy changes direction every six days, motorists get confused.”

Going round in circles

Critics say the move is “trolling dressed up as town planning,” pointing to Starmer’s many reversals on tuition fees, child sex gang inquiry, green investment, winter fuel payments, and most recently, disability benefits, which were first to be scrapped, then defended, then embarssingly reinstated with a handwritten apology from Rachel Reeves and a £5 M&S voucher.

The Department for Transport has welcomed the sign as “a vital symbolic aid” in helping foreign dignitaries understand UK politics. The German ambassador was reportedly overheard saying, “Ah! It means he has changed his mind again. Wunderbar.”

Meanwhile, Reform’s Nigel Farage has filed a motion to add “Give Way”, “Slippery When Ambiguous”, and a warning triangle featuring a cartoon of Ed Miliband looking confused.

Asked about the sign during PMQs, Starmer said: “It shows we’re a government willing to course-correct. Or at least reverse park into a less catastrophic version of the future.”

A second sign, reading “No Right Turn,” is expected to appear shortly outside Labour HQ.

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