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It’s a Royal Knockout! Harry & Wills set to square-up in the ring

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It’s a Royal Knockout! Harry & Wills set to square-up in the ring
It’s a Royal Knockout! Harry & Wills set to square-up in the ring

William and Harry to meet in the ring for good old-fashioned punch-up

Rumors are gathering pace that Britain’s most famous feuding brothers, Princes William and Harry, may finally reunite next month – but not over tea and scones at Buckingham Palace. Instead, whispers from palace insiders suggest the estranged royals are planning to climb into the ring at an East End boxing club to resolve their differences with a good old-fashioned punch-up.

The Duke of Sussex is due back in the UK for “family matters,” but sources insist this includes sparring with the Prince of Wales in a secret, ticketed bout dubbed by wags as “The Battle of the Spare.”

According to reports, William has been spotted training with a personal coach at a discreet Kensington gym, perfecting his jab while muttering “he always got the better Christmas presents.” Meanwhile, Harry, who has bulked up considerably in Montecito through California fitness regimes involving kale smoothies and mindfulness boxing, is said to be working on a devastating left hook nicknamed “the Markle Sparkle.”

King of the ring

Royal observers note that this is not without precedent; King Edward VIII once threatened to box his brother Bertie “for the crown” after losing at backgammon, though the matter was settled with a stiff gin.

Buckingham Palace has refused to comment, but Ladbrokes has already placed William as the slight favourite, citing “longer reach, plus a natural air of righteous fury.”

The venue, believed to be dimly lit boxing club, ‘Harry’s’ near Bethnal Green, has reportedly been pre-booked under the name “Mountbatten-Windsor Dust-Up.”

Should the match go ahead, it will be the first time two royals have squared off in public since Henry VIII wrestled Francis I of France in the 1520s. Historians, however, note that Henry didn’t have to deal with Netflix cameras at ringside.

Meanwhile: Will Smith made life president of Suffolk boxing club

Hotel Inspectors give thumbs up to Torquay Fawlty Towers migrant hotel

The Editor
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Hotel Inspectors give thumbs up to Torquay Fawlty Towers migrant hotel
Hotel Inspectors give thumbs up to Torquay Fawlty Towers migrant hotel

Home Secretary reopens Fawlty Towers hotel as accommodation for asylum seekers.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

TORQUAY, ENGLAND – Labour’s handling of the small boat migrant crisis reached new absurdity this week when Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood announced that the notorious Torquay establishment, Fawlty Towers, will be reopened as a migrant reception hotel.

The decision has stunned both housing campaigners and fans of the long-defunct comedy series, which originally depicted the fictional hotel as a hotbed of chaos, shouting, and collapsed dinner service. Mahmood defended the move at a press briefing, explaining: “Accommodation is tight, and Basil Fawlty assured us he can run a tight ship.” Asked if she had ever seen the programme, she admitted: “Only the memes.”

Hotelier Basil Fawlty, dragged out of semi-retirement for the initiative, expressed only partial enthusiasm. “Yes, of course I’ll take them,” he barked at reporters outside the property, “though I imagine they’ll prefer the food poisoning to my customer service. Perhaps the Home Office enjoys watching suffering up close.” His wife Sybil was unavailable for comment, allegedly on the phone “with Audrey.”

Don’t mention the Iraq war

Critics of the plan say the move demonstrates the government’s lack of seriousness. Nigel Farage declared it “a policy straight out of Monty Python,” while opposition backbenchers whispered darkly that the next step may involve housing asylum seekers in Dad’s Army’s church hall.

Meanwhile, hotel staff are said to be ill-prepared. Polly, the waitress, has been given responsibility for breakfast, lunch & dinner, while Manuel, the Spanish waiter, was reportedly overheard asking: “¿Qué?” repeatedly during the induction briefing.

With migrants scheduled to arrive next month, many are bracing for predictable disaster. As one local councillor put it: “If you wanted to design a metaphor for this government’s approach to migration, you couldn’t do better than Fawlty Towers. And that’s not a compliment.”

Must Read: Rich kids eject ticketless illegal migrants from Glastonbury Festival

London – Tower Hamlets Islamic protest halted by lost contact lens

The Editor
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London – Tower Hamlets Islamic protest halted by lost contact lens
London - Tower Hamlets Islamic protest halted by lost contact lens

London protest halted as man loses contact lens mid-march.

By Our Religious Affairs Reporter: Rev Evan Elpus

TOWER HAMLETS, LONDON – London witnessed another day of “peaceful tension” yesterday as two opposing groups — one marching against a cancelled UKIP protest and the other apparently searching for a lost contact lens — briefly brought the capital to a standstill.

The demonstration, initially organised as a counter-march against UKIP’s planned Whitechapel protest, featured columns of masked Muslim men chanting “Allahu Akbar” in defiance of what organisers described as “provocation dressed as patriotism.” UKIP’s rally, led by the party’s new head Nick Tenconi, had been moved nine miles away by Scotland Yard amid fears of “serious disorder,” leaving counter-protesters with little to counter except themselves.

Blind leading the blind

But what began as a show of unity quickly descended into farce when one marcher, identified only as Adeel from Ilford, dropped his contact lens in the middle of the procession. According to witnesses, the chanting stopped mid-verse, and hundreds of men suddenly knelt in unison, scouring the tarmac outside a kebab shop. “It looked like mass prayer,” said one baffled onlooker, “until someone yelled, ‘Found it!’ and everyone cheered.”

Traffic was brought to a halt for nearly 20 minutes while participants crawled on hands and knees across Whitechapel Road. At one point, police officers considered deploying a torch from the riot van to assist, before deciding this might “escalate matters.”

When the lens was finally recovered, it was ceremoniously held aloft, drawing chants of “Allahu Akbar” once again — though it remained unclear whether the celebration was religious or optical in nature.

Mayor Lutfur Rahman, leading the march despite his fraud conviction, praised the “community spirit” of the search, calling it “a perfect metaphor for unity in vision.”

As one police officer dryly remarked: “At least nobody lost their temper — just their lens.”

Meanwhile: ’An attack on inbred people’: Protest planned against government cuts

Suffolk Police appeal for help after bus goes missing

The Editor
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Suffolk Police appeal for help after bus goes missing
Suffolk Police appeal for help after bus goes missing

Suffolk Police baffled after “a very large and hard-to-hide object.” Goes missing.

By Our Crime Editor: Rob Banks

Suffolk Constabulary has launched an urgent appeal after an entire bus. Registration WZ56 LFT, vanished without a trace from a depot in Stowmarket late Thursday night. The missing vehicle, a number 76 route bus normally seen trundling between Stowmarket and Bury St Edmunds. It just disappeared sometime between midnight and 3 a.m. after intruders broke through the depot gates using what police believe was a circular saw.

Officers and transport staff have spent the weekend combing roads, fields, and even the occasional bus enthusiast’s driveway. So far the £250,000 vehicle remains firmly off the radar. “It’s not like stealing a bike,” admitted Detective Inspector Paul Trolley of Suffolk Police. “We’re fairly confident the bus didn’t just roll away on its own.”

Its behind you

Locals have taken to social media with wild theories, ranging from pranksters joyriding to rumors of a secret underground bus racing circuit operating somewhere near Thetford Forest. Others claim to have seen a “double-decker shaped shadow” near a Tesco car park, though police have yet to confirm these reports.

First Eastern Buses, who operate the route, said they were “shocked and disappointed,” adding that services on the 76 line will now be replaced by “a shorter, less convenient route operated by someone’s cousin in a Ford Transit.”

Police are urging anyone who may have seen the distinctive blue and white single-decker. Or who notices a suspiciously large new garden ornament — to get in touch immediately.

Information can be sent via email to itsbehindyou@suffolkgazette.co.suffolk, or reported anonymously to Crimestoppers.

Sorry about the water, Bill!

The Editor
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Sorry about the water, Bill!
Sorry about the water, Bill!

Northumbrian Water customer billed £52 million a month by mistake.

By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

Bill Thompson, 62, of Lesbury, thought his world had collapsed this week when a letter from Northumbrian Water informed him that his new monthly bill would be an eye-watering £52 million.

The letter, which cheerfully read, “Fifty-two million pounds a month. We’re asking every household to join in,” sent Thompson into a mild panic. “I nearly choked on my Hobnob,” he told reporters. “Then I dropped my tea on my foot. I’ve had gas bills before, but nothing like this.”

Neighbours reported similar hysteria after receiving identical letters. One pensioner was seen muttering about selling the cat on eBay, while another began Googling how to move to Scotland, “where it always rains, so water must be free.”

Northumbrian Water was quick to clarify the error, explaining that the £52 million figure actually referred to a fundraising target for international charity WaterAid, not an individual customer’s bill. “We would like to reassure customers that they will not, in fact, be charged the GDP of a small nation for their tap water,” a spokesperson said. “We regret any tea-related injuries this misunderstanding may have caused.”

Critics, however, have slammed the wording of the campaign. Consumer watchdogs described it as “the most terrifying piece of post since the TV licence renewal.” Others suggested WaterAid might want to reconsider its approach, with one angry resident quipping, “If they need that much money, they should just privatise rain.”

Thompson, having regained composure (and cleaned his carpet), remains unconvinced. “I wouldn’t mind giving a few quid to charity,” he said, “but £52 million a month? I don’t think my overdraft could take the strain.”

For now, Northumbrian Water customers can breathe easy – though many say they’ll be reading their post with oven gloves and a stiff drink in future.

Sales of ‘Cooking With Poo’ recipe book go straight down the toilet

The Editor
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Sales of ‘Cooking With Poo’ recipe book go straight down the toilet
Sales of ‘Cooking With Poo’ recipe book go straight down the toilet

Thai chef’s cookbook Cooking With Poo flops due to unfortunate title.

By Our Farming Correspondent (intern): Ivor Traktor

WATERSTONES, LONDON – Thai chef Saiyuud Diwong—affectionately known as “Poo”—has seen sales of her once-celebrated cookbook Cooking With Poo go decidedly off the boil.

The book, whose title refers to Diwong’s nickname (meaning “crab” in Thai), was expected to sell like hot Thai fish cakes. Instead, it’s languishing on bookshop shelves, as bemused shoppers take one look at the cover and promptly decide they’ve lost their appetite.

Winner of the 2011 Diagram Prize for Oddest Title of the Year, Cooking With Poo initially garnered international attention for its unintentional toilet humour. “We thought the name might cause a few giggles,” said a spokesperson for Diwong’s publisher, “but we didn’t anticipate people assuming it was… well, literal.”

Don’t lick the spoon

Diwong, who rose to fame running a community cooking school in Bangkok’s Khlong Toey slum and has even cooked alongside Jamie Oliver, insists the title remains “a source of pride.” “My name is Poo,” she told Thai media, “and I cook. It’s really quite simple.”

However, sales have dropped sharply since the latest reprint hit Western supermarkets, where photos of smiling shoppers holding the book have become the latest meme under the hashtag #NoThanksChef.

Marketing experts suggest a rebrand may be necessary. “Maybe Cooking with Crab would have been a safer bet,” said one PR consultant, “though admittedly less viral.”

Despite the slump, Diwong remains upbeat. “People laugh, but laughter is good for digestion,” she said. “Besides, my recipes are delicious—whatever people think they’re cooking with.”

As one Thai reviewer put it: “It’s not what it sounds like. But try explaining that to someone who just burst out laughing in the cookbook aisle.”

Meanwhile: Woman finds rare white dog poo while holidaying in Suffolk

‘Helmet grab’ was innocent helm control claim retired river-going couple

The Editor
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‘Helmet grab’ was innocent helm control claim retired river-going couple
Innocent river cruise photo went viral and triggered a flood of cheeky offers for “pleasure cruises.”

An innocent river cruise photo went viral and triggered a flood of cheeky offers for “pleasure cruises.”

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

RIVER ORWELL, SUFFOLK – A quiet Suffolk couple have found themselves at the centre of a social media storm after what was meant to be a wholesome photo from their river cruise on the Orwell appeared to show something altogether more scandalous.

Maureen Stock, 68, a retired primary school teacher from Woodbridge, shared the image online last weekend, proudly captioning it “Lovely day on the river with Reg 💕.” The photo showed Maureen at the helm of a small pleasure boat, hand on the steering handle, while her husband Reg, 71, stood directly behind her. Unfortunately, due to an unfortunate angle and optical illusion, the positioning made it appear that Maureen was enthusiastically clutching something that was most definitely not nautical equipment.

Within hours, the photo had gone viral, amassing thousands of shares under hashtags like #RiverOrwellScandal and #GripGate. Commenters described it as “the most British sex scandal since Profumo,” while others simply praised Reg for his “confidence at his age.”

Take the helmet

Speaking from her semi-detached home, an indignant Maureen said: “It’s absurd! I was holding the tiller. Reg was standing behind me. It was just the camera angle! People need to get their minds out of the gutter.”

Unfortunately, Maureen’s attempts to clarify only fuelled the fire. She claims to have received “over 300 messages from strange men”, many offering her “free pleasure cruises”, “private yacht tours”, and one particularly bold offer of “a weekend in my cabin, no strings attached.”

A red-faced Reg added, “We’ve learned our lesson — next time, I’ll grab the helm myself.”

Growing calls for Winston Churchill to be reanimated to save Britain

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Growing calls for Winston Churchill to be reanimated to save Britain
Growing calls for Winston Churchill to be reanimated to save Britain

Britons demand reanimated Churchill to rescue nation from endless modern chaos.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

CABINET WAR ROOMS, LONDON – Across the United Kingdom, a growing number of weary citizens are calling for the reanimation of Sir Winston Churchill to “sort this whole bloody mess out.” From inflation and immigration to rain-soaked barbecues and rail strikes, many now believe only Britain’s wartime bulldog can bring order to the nation’s ever-expanding catalogue of crises.

A petition launched on social media under the hashtag #BringBackWinston has already attracted over 1.2 million signatures and a surprising number of comments such as “He wouldn’t have stood for this nonsense,” and “He defeated Hitler, surely he can fix Thames Water.”

What to expect

The campaign’s leader, Lowestoft resident Thomas Crinch, chair of the campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE), said he envisions Churchill being “partially reanimated, maybe from the waist up, just enough to shout at people and smoke a cigar.” Supporters have even proposed funding his resurrection through a special “Spirit of Dunkirk” tax, to be levied on vegan sausage rolls.

Keep calm & carry on

Historians are divided. Professor Lionel Crisp of Oxford warned that “reanimating Churchill may cause diplomatic strain,” pointing out that “the last time he returned to public life, Britain ended up with the Suez Crisis.” Nevertheless, a YouGov poll found that 68% of respondents would prefer a reanimated Churchill in charge to “anyone currently available, alive or otherwise.”

Meanwhile, scientists at Imperial College have reportedly been approached to “look into it.” One anonymous researcher confirmed: “We’ve brought mice back after freezing. Churchill can’t be that much harder.”

For now, Churchill remains at rest—though with public patience at its limit, it seems only a matter of time before someone starts digging up Bladon Churchyard in search of national salvation.

Meanwhile: Petition against Mrs Brown’s Boys Xmas Special hits million mark


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