EXCLUSIVE
By Ivor Traktor

A Suffolk farmer who bought 20 life-sized sex dolls at a police auction is now using them as scarecrows.

Frank Morris, 58, believes the blow-up dolls’ full, voluptuous lips and generously-proportioned bodies are just the thing to scare off a blue tit or two.

Mr Morris, of Comfort Farm, near Beccles, revealed: “Gone are the days when you could stick a melon on top of a broom handle and throw a sack over it.

“If you want to scare a crow these days you have to be creative.”

To protect their modesty, Mr Morris has dressed each doll in clothes purchased from local charity shops.

“It’s all been tastefully done,” he insisted, adding that he has to inspect each ‘lady’ every morning to ensure she was still pumped up.

The stolen sex dolls were seized when police stopped a lorry outside of Great Cornard, near Sudbury. Unable to contact the manufacturer, the police placed the dolls at auction, where they were snapped up by Mr Morris, the only bidder.

His wife Ethel returned home from a shopping trip to find the 20 naked, life-sized inflatable dolls in her living room. Mr Morris has not seen his wife since.

Mr Morris is expecting the new scarecrows to improve his crop yield significantly, and other farmers are rumoured to be watching with interest. Indeed, Ebay has already seen prices skyrocket during a sex-doll bidding war.

Mr Morris was not concerned that the roads around his fields may become congested due to drivers slowing down to stare.

“With me driving around in my tractor they’ll barely get out of second gear anyway,” he said.

It is believed the local Women’s Institute has complained about the sex dolls. But Mr Morris claimed the members’ husbands were very supportive of his idea.

The news comes just months after music sensation Ed Sheeran was mistaken for a scarecrow in a field near his family home in Framlingham.

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By Ivor Traktor
Farming Correspondent (intern)

Terror struck Suffolk yesterday with news that the legendary Cowzilla had escaped and was running amok somewhere in the countryside.

Bertie Thomas, the farmer who owns her, claimed the hefty heifer was “literally unstoppable”.

“Everywhere she goes she’ll leave a trail of destruction,” said Mr Thomas. “She can’t be talked to. She can’t be reasoned with. All she cares about is destroying our way of life.”

According to Mr Thomas, Cowzilla can blend into her surroundings “like a ninja” and strike with deadly surprise attacks.

Cowzilla escaped once before, when she was a calf. She was captured three months later, but only after destroying a combine harvester.

Now she is bigger, stronger and smarter, and Mr Thomas believes it may be impossible to stop her.

Cowzilla, who answers to the name Mandy, has already struck the village of Holton, near Halwsowrth where she damaged a wall, upturned two litter bins, and left a giant steaming cow pat in a children’s play area.

The Suffolk Gazette was unable to speak to any Holton residents, who had locked themselves inside their houses. But our reporters did hear one woman scream: “This is only the beginning!” through a first-floor window.

Suffolk Police have warned the public not to approach Cowzilla at any cost.

The police have not released any official details of their Cowzilla strategy, although one insider told the Suffolk Gazette that they might try to force her into Norfolk.

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