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You won’t believe this new Norfolk pub meal called a ploughman’s lunch

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ploughmans lunch


By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Norfolk pubs have discovered a newfangled culinary delicacy called a ploughman’s lunch.

They hope the futuristic food will transform profits by enticing locals to eat in their pubs rather than just drinking ale.

The gourmet meal is considered super difficult to prepare and some landlords are worried the modern cuisine will put customers off.

Pub-goers in Norfolk have been content with munching pickled eggs for years, but food writers have observed some forward-thinking establishments have been dishing up oxtail soup to the more adventurous.

Now the ploughman’s lunch is set to revolutionise the Norfolk pub food scene – so long as punters are willing to accept it.

A ploughman’s takes all the skill of a Norfolk kitchen hand to prepare and many will need retraining.

It is made of two slices of bread, a bit of stale cheddar cheese, some random wilted greenery (including cucumber if it’s in season) and if selected from the a la carte menu, a pickle.

Bubba Spuckler, chairman of the Norfolk Licensed Victuallers Association, said: “We like to consider ourselves as pioneers in the hospitality business.

“And I’m delighted Norfolk is first with this new pub food delicacy. It’s fine dining at its best.

“Just you see – pubs up and down the country will be scrambling to catch up with us now.”

It is believed the meal was called ploughman’s lunch after one Norfolk landlord stole a packed lunch from a passing farmhand. He was so impressed with the contents that he decided to replicate it in his kitchen, where he also has some funny mugs.

Pub-goer Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I can’t see it catching on.”

The Suffolk Gazette guide to achieving your 2019 goals

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At the beginning of every new year, we dream of improving our lives, be it losing weight, getting fit or making more money.

So, in the spirit of being as helpful as ever, here’s your handy Suffolk Gazette guide to making your 2019 goals stick.

Lay off the junk food

Do you want to lose weight? Scientists have made the astonishing discovery that eating fast food leads to weight gain. Who knew?

How about gorging less on McDonalds, KFC, Burger King, kebabs, fish and chips, Nando’s, Five Guys and pies from Greggs? Eat a salad instead, because when did you ever see a fat rabbit in the wild?

Go to the gym

Congratulations on paying out a small fortune on your posh gym membership. And well done for buying the fashionably expensive gym gear to go with it. You look great in that lycra. At least you would if you actually went to the gym.

Our top tip is to get off your lard arse and put some effort into your exercise regime. What’s the point in paying for your gym membership and going once for your free fitness appraisal, only to become demotivated instantly and never go again?

Win some money

Forget what the do-gooders say; money really can buy you happiness (and love if you use certain websites that we won’t mention here). We accept that it’s not easy to get your hands on more cash, and we don’t recommend bank robbery.

But here on the Suffolk Gazette, we do like a little gamble. It’s probably not a good idea to bet on Ipswich Town avoiding relegation from the Championship this season; you’d be far better off trying to spin up your cash in an online casino.

Kickstart your career

Fed-up at work? Well stop moaning about it and do something. Everyone’s bored of people moaning about their mundane employment or mad boss who doesn’t understand them. There’s plenty of work opportunities out there, you just need to get your backside into gear, and network like your life depends on it. Get on with it.

If the Suffolk Gazette can reach and engage with hundreds of thousands of people a month, you can surely make connections with at least ten prospective new employers each month. Start doing some online research and stop watching crap on television.

Be nice to your neighbours

If you’re nice to your neighbours, they’ll be nice to you. Everyone can live happily together.

However, this piece of advice DOES NOT apply to Norfolk. The people of Norfolk, our neighbours over the border, should be treated with the utter contempt that they deserve.

Let us know how you get on

That’s it for your brilliant New Year advice from the Suffolk Gazette. If you achieve just one of these goals, the year will be a success.

Doing nothing is not an option, and we can’t wait to hear how you get on. Good luck!

New Year fashion collection launched in Norfolk

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By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

These to-die-for porky boots are the highlight of a New Year fashion collection launched in Norfolk today.

The pig trotter footwear is already being snapped up by the fashion-conscious ladies of Norfolk. And some men.

Norfolk fashion house, Squeal Like a Pig Clothing Ltd launched the boots along with some new-look six-fingered gloves, perfect for the chilly weather.

Also revealed in a special fashion show at Norwich cattle market earlier today was a new collection of dungarees, which was met with rapturous whoops and applause from a cheering crowd, accompanied by some banjo players.

However, discerning buyers might prefer heading to myloafers.co.uk instead.

Suffolk fashion expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The Norfolk taste for clothing and accessories is somewhat different to Suffolk.

“The trotter boots are clearly aimed at the local market, and there’s no way they would sell in Suffolk or anywhere else in the UK. Except for Devon, perhaps.”

The pig trotter boots are available only to those willing to barter with turnips or pitchforks.

But if you’re looking for a proper online clothing shop, visit Popgear.

Where’s Knudsen? The new game for Ipswich fans

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Ipswich Town fans are playing an exciting new game to try and inject some excitement into a disastrous season. It’s called Where’s Knudsen.

The idea is to freeze-frame footage of any opposition goal and establish where the Ipswich left-back is – because he is never where he’s meant to be.

The photograph above shows centre back Matthew Pennington covering at left-back at QPR last week, exactly where Knudsen should have been.

But the Dane had gone missing, meaning the QPR attacker crossed the ball for the striker scored easily, cementing Town’s place at the bottom of the league.

Do you want to play Where’s Knudsen? See if you can spot him cropping up in all sorts of places where you least expect him. Except the final photo, that is.

Cropping up on the right wing
Where most of his crosses end up
Another royal f*ck up
At last – where Knudsen is meant to be

Ipswich fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I’ve been playing Where’s Knudsen all season. It’s brilliant, he always crops up in the last place you’re expecting him to.”

But Ipswich fans may only have days more to play their favourite new game, because the World Cup star could be heading out of Portman Road in the transfer window.

“We may need to give him very strict instructions about where to stand for the taxi,” a club insider said.

Desperate man makes it to Britain after fleeing Africa

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A man has finally made it to the shores of Britain after escaping the horrors of a luxury safari holiday in Africa.

Mr Sajid Javid was one of the thousands of desperate people fleeing the African continent to reach the safety of the UK this week.

As many migrants took the brave decision to risk floating across the English Channel in perilous conditions, Mr Javid, a Home Secretary, took the first available first-class flight.

He wanted to show he was in charge of the growing migrant crisis, something that appeared troublesome while he was at a secret safari hideaway in South Africa for Christmas.

Political insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Thank the Lord that Mr Javid made it safely to Britain, all the way from Africa,

“I’m sure all the desperate people trying to get across the Channel in flimsy rubber dinghies will feel the same.”

Mr Javid spent a fortune on his luxury safari trip to Dulini, a hideaway in Kruger National Park which charges £840 per person per night. 

The swanky vacation offers guests private plunge pools and in-room massages while offering drives where leopards, lions and elephants can be spotted on the journey.

But that’s nothing to the exciting sights and sounds experienced by the African migrants who arrived in France to be afforded every possible luxury before their thrilling boat trip to the UK.

June Whitfield obituary Haiku

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Following the news that comedy actress Dame June Whitfield has died, aged 93, the Suffolk Gazette offers up this tribute by resident obituary Haiku writer Richard Standen.

Ab Fab’s June Whitfield
Terry’s long-suffering wife
Has left us, laughing.

Dame June Rosemary Whitfield DBE

Born: 11th November 1925, London

Died: 28th December 2018

Paddy Ashdown obituary Haiku

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Following the death of former Liberal Democrat leader Paddy Ashdown, aged 77, the Suffolk Gazette offers this tribute by resident obituary Haiku writer Richard Standen.

Lord Ashdown stands down

Marine, Politician, Spy

Lib Dems salute you.

The Right Honourable, the Lord Ashdown of Norton-sub-Hamdon, CH GCMG KBE PC

Born: February 27, 1941, New Delhi, India

Died: December 22, 2018, Yeovil, United Kingdom

The top ten Suffolk Gazette stories of 2018

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By The Editor

It’s been a tumultuous year for news, with huge stories breaking worldwide. Strangely, many of them centred on Suffolk and its grubby neighbour, Norfolk.

As we head into Christmas, it’s the perfect time to reflect on the top 10 stories from the Suffolk Gazette in 2018, based on the number of people who read them.

So, how many of these extraordinary stories, in reverse order, do you remember?

10. SEAFRONT HORROR AS MAN BEATS UP WIFE, BABY AND POLICEMAN

Punch and Judy show

There was drama on Felixstowe beach when a domestic row turned to violence, with a man beating his wife, baby and policeman with a stick.

The man left the scene, but our crime reporter Hugh Dunnett revealed police expected him to return every day for the rest of the summer.

9. SUFFOLK WARNED TO EXPECT TWO FEET OF SNOW

Two feet of snow

Britain was gripped by icy blasts from the Beast From the East at the start of 2018, and Suffolk was warned to expect two feet of snow.

Residents were urged to take precautions, such as walking around them rather than bumping into them.

8. WORLD HIDE AND SEEK CHAMPION FOUND DEAD IN WARDROBE

There was sad sporting news in September when the Suffolk Gazette revealed that world hide and seek champion Darren Hayes had been found dead in a wardrobe.

Police said Darren was training for the next championships but he was so good his family had been unable to find him.

7. QUEEN GIVES FRAMLINGHAM CASTLE TO HARRY AND MEGHAN

Prince Harry Meghan Markle at Framlingham Castle

As the nation rejoiced over the summer Royal wedding, we revealed how the Queen had given Framlingham castle to Prince Harry and his new bride Meghan as a wedding present.

The happy couple were due to move in before the end of the year (Editor’s note: why are they not there yet?).

6. NORFOLK-BUILT FIGHTER JET DISAPPOINTS DEFENCE CHIEFS

Norfolk jet

A hard-hitting exclusive in January, written by our award-winning defence editor Doug Trench, revealed overwhelming disappointment in the latest RAF fighter jet to be built in Norfolk.

Colmans BAE spent four years developing Gentle Breeze – a fighter it insisted would rival the globally-acclaimed Eurofighter Typhoon.


5. WOMAN DANCED NAKED THROUGH VILLAGE WITH CARROT BETWEEN BUTTOCKS

Extraordinary news from earlier in December shows just how weird life in rural Suffolk can be. We revealed how a bored woman danced naked through her village with a carrot clenched between her buttocks.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, said she was hoping to bring a little excitement to dull village life. but police were less than impressed when the wife of local vicar The Rev Evan Elpuss rang to complain.

4. SUFFOLK CATHEDRAL LAUNCHES RUSSIAN TOURIST CAMPAIGN

Russians visit cathedral

After two Russian men accused of being the Salisbury novichok murderers said they were only in the city to view the lovely cathedral, St Edmundsbury Cathedral in Suffolk saw a marketing opportunity.

It launched a sales campaign in Russia to attract visitors who were clearly, and unexpectedly, interested in British cathedrals.

Neil Cushion, from the cathedral’s marketing team, said: “There is a big market for pairs of burly men who look like they should be nightclub bouncers, coming to the UK, staying in a low-profile east London hotel, and visiting a cathedral before flying home the same day.”

3. FIVE PENGUINS SET UP HOME ON FELIXSTOWE BEACH

Penguins in Felixstowe

This heart-warming story about five penguins stowing away on a container ship from the Falklands and jumping off at Felixstowe got the Suffolk Gazette into lots of trouble.

We said they had set up home near the Spa Pavilion, prompting hundreds of gullible families to drive to the coast to try and find them. It got so bad that the local coastguard had to put out a statement saying the story was not true and to keep away from the beach in the windy conditions!

2. FIRST POST-BREXIT BRITISH CAR ROLLS OFF THE PRODUCTION LINE

British Brexit car

Although the Suffolk Gazette has tried to steer clear of divisive Brexit news (other satirical news sites write about it every day in a desperate shower of click bait), this story did slip through the editorial net.

Delighted motor industry bosses were thrilled with the launch of the gleaming red family car, named the Fiesta Farage.

1. GIRL, 9, DISAPPEARS USING CREAM THAT MAKES YOU 10 YEARS YOUNGER

girl disappears

And here it is, the top 2018 story from the Suffolk Gazette.

The article about a nine-year-old girl vanishing after using cream that promises to make you ten years younger was only published last month but has already been read by half a million people.

Police have asked everyone to keep an eye out for Lilly Fisher whose mum Lorraine, 34, is sick with worry.

So, that’s it for another year. Thanks, as ever, for reading, I hope you got a few laughs along the way, brightening up an otherwise awful year on the news front.

Have a Merry Christmas, and did you know you can show your appreciation of the Suffolk Gazette by buying the thirsty editor a beer?