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Next girl to be shot in a US school massacre applauds politicians

The Editor
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Next girl to be shot in a US school massacre applauds politicians

School girl massacre

A little girl who is destined to be shot dead in America’s next school massacre has applauded politicians for doing nothing about it.

Lorraine Fisher, aged seven, will be killed next month when a deranged ex-pupil returns to her Texas school armed with an automatic assault rifle he purchased from the local gun shop.

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But the pretty youngster, who wanted to be a nurse if she grew up, said: “The people in Congress are very busy so don’t have time to bother about minor things like stricter gun control.

“Anyway, it’s our constitutional right to own a gun, so young people like me being butchered in cold blood every week is just an unfortunate irrelevance.”

Speaking after the latest massacre in Parkland, Florida left at least 17 students dead – the 18th US school shooting this year – Lorraine said the National Rifle Association still had her support.

“The NRA insist it is not guns that kill, but the people using them.

“When a madman comes to my classroom and begins blasting away, I’ll be sure to remember that.”

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Lorraine and her school chums say it is jolly unfair for anyone to criticize America’s politicians for allowing school killing sprees to happen.

“We had a chat in the playground about it today, and we all agreed an individual’s right to carry a weapon to protect himself is far more important than saving any of our lives.”

When it was pointed out that banning guns would mean people did not have to be armed to protect themselves, Lorraine got quite cross.

“Look, it’s in the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution which was written only recently in 1791, so is still totally relevant. And that’s far more important than my life.”

It is not known exactly when Lorraine and her seven-year-old friends will be killed, but they are still practicing hiding under desks – like that works.

(Editor’s note: before anyone complains, this article is not meant to be funny.)

Oxfam prostitute scandal deepens

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Oxfam prostitute scandal deepens

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By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

The Oxfam prostitute scandal is worse than first feared, we can reveal.

An undercover investigation by this newspaper revealed vice girls are openly being used by the charity to boost funds.

Oxfam prostitute

Our reporters watched in horror as a Suffolk Oxfam charity shop opened its doors for business as a brothel.

At 9.15am on Tuesday morning, volunteer staff turned up for work at the shop and lit up the window display where three scantily-clad ladies were offering their services.

Anti-vice campaigner Lorraine Fisher, 34, was horrified when we showed her our evidence.

“The charity has tried to claim the scandal following the 2010 Haiti earthquake, where its aid workers hired vulnerable local people for sex, was a one-off.
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“But now we can see it is actually offering official Oxfam prostitute services to the general public.”

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Ms Fisher called for the charity, which faces losing huge amounts of financial support following the revelations, to clean up its act.

“Nobody out shopping in a Suffolk high street wants to see this sort of thing. It’s not as though they are even trying to hide it. These women are brazenly offering themselves from the window.”

An Oxfam insider said: “We have indeed lost a lot of donations since the public was told our staff spent money on prostitutes.

“So nobody should be surprised we have been forced to extend the products we have on sale in our charity shops.”

Pensioner Derek Smith, 76, who popped into the shop to find some new shoes, was surprised by what he saw.

“I didn’t know which way to look,” he said. “They keep moving the shoes around.”

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Potholes re-branded as speed holes to save traffic-calming costs

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Potholes re-branded as speed holes to save traffic-calming costs

No more speed bumps will be built after canny councils realised they could leave potholes to slow down traffic instead.

Rather than spend millions on traffic calming measures, council bosses decided that potholes were far more effective, and would be called speed holes.

pothole

The new approach means a double saving for local taxpayers, who will no longer have to pay for speed bumps or sleeping policemen, or fork out for pothole repairs.

“I don’t know why no-one thought of this brilliant idea before,” explained Lorraine Fisher, 34, chairperson of Council Highways UK.

“We don’t have to spend any money on traffic calming features in our towns or villages, nor do we have to repair the potholes.

“But the traffic in town centres and close to village facilities will remain slow and safe – ideal to stop speeding motorists.”

She explained that councils could save millions from their highways budgets, and that saving would be passed on to taxpayers.

“Speed bumps are dead, long live speed holes,” declared Ms Fisher.

The new policy was tested out in Suffolk this winter, and found to be a roaring success.

Potholes

Motorist Steve Walshe, from Ipswich, said: “I never did really understand why they spent so much putting in speed bumps when a pothole does the same job for free.”

County councils will now spend some of their saved budgets on an advertising campaign in order to educate motorists.

A spokesperson for Suffolk County Council said: “Once people realise they are speed holes in the middle of the road, not potholes, they will be much happier.”

Using new ginger-haired emoji with sun symbol overheats your phone

The Editor
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Using new ginger-haired emoji with sun symbol overheats your phone

New ginger emoji

Your mobile phone heats up and dies if you use the new ginger-haired emoji alongside the symbol for the sun, it has emerged.

A bug in the software is being blamed for teething troubles for the new emojis of ginger people, which were introduced this week.

Phone user Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk, alerted Apple to the glitch when she tried sending a message today about the weather.

Red-head Lorraine explained: “I messaged my friend about being fed up with the gloomy weather and signed off with my new cute ginger-haired emoji and a sunshine emoji.

“But within seconds my phone began heating up. It started burning and died.

“I think it is disgraceful – this would not have happened if you put another other person’s emoji next to the sun. Someone should pay for this – it’s clearly gingerist.”

Apple is now investigating the embarrassing bug in the software affecting apps like Facebook, Twitter and WhatsApp.

It insists it is a pure coincidence that the overheating bug should happen only when a ginger emoji is adjacent to a sun emoji.

“Our developers say it could have been a combination of any two, but it’s unfortunate it was these two.

“We’ve sorted it now so that if anyone uses the ginger emoji your phone will have an argument with you.”

Apple says its fix has already started to be rolled out, and some users should already be able to use the combination without any issues.

The Suffolk Gazette is happy to see the resolution after itself getting into hot water over taking the mickey out of ginger people.

Cheddar Man looks like everyone from Norfolk

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Cheddar Man looks like everyone from Norfolk

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

There was widespread confusion today when it emerged that Cheddar Man looks like every man and woman in Norfolk.

Cutting edge DNA analysis by the Natural History Museum proved that a Briton from 10,000 years ago had dark skin and blue eyes.

And the accompanying image showed a wild-looking man with long unkempt hair, a wispy beard and a strange, vacant expression.

Cheddar Man

The release of the image threw Norfolk people into disarray because the man looked like everybody they know.

Suddenly residents across the rural, backward county saw the face on the news and assumed it was a photofit of a relative wanted by police.

Bubba Spuckler, who runs a smallholding with his sister and their eight children, was alarmed.

“I was watching the news and then a picture of what could have been my brother, sister, mother, father, uncle and auntie came up.

“I assumed they were in trouble with the law again, then I saw it was a photo of a bloke from Somerset who has nothing to do with Norfolk or my family.

“I think it is fake news.”

At 10,000 years old, Cheddar Man is Britain’s oldest complete skeleton and was discovered in 1903 in Somerset’s Cheddar Gorge.

Genome analysis for a facial reconstruction produced the image, and showed that lighter skin characteristic of modern Europeans is a relatively recent phenomenon.

But crucially, it confirmed that people from Norfolk, which is where ducks first evolved, still look like something from Prehistoric Britain.

First post-Brexit British car rolls off production line

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First post-Brexit British car rolls off production line

The future of British car making is secure despite fears it would implode after Brexit.

Delighted bosses today unveiled the first British-made model to roll off the production line since the country voted to leave the EU.

And experts say the gleaming red family car – pictured below – is evidence brilliant British craftsmanship is here to stay.

British Brexit car

The Fiesta Farage boasts desirable sleek lines and can reach top speeds of 24mph. Downhill.

It has all the hi-tech gadgets that drivers have come to expect from so-called industry leaders in Germany and Japan.

Top of the spec list is air conditioning, which is activated simply by rolling down the window (electric windows not currently available).

It also has the latest engine stop-start technology to rival anything Audi or Honda can produce.

When the Fiesta Farage pulls up at a junction, the engine stops – not for any fuel-saving reason, but because it has broken down.

And it handles superbly, taking corners like they are not there (it simply ignores them and goes straight on).

Motoring journalists were in awe when the Fiesta Farage was launched at the East Anglian Motor Show yesterday.

And they believe the car – already given the sporty FF nickname – will be a new fixture in Waitrose car parks, where nine out of ten cars are Audis.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who writes a motoring column for The Spectator magazine, said: “Doom-mongers who voted to remain in the EU tried to claim Britain going it alone would badly hit key industries like car manufacturing.

“They said standards would fall and it would be like returning to the bad old days of British Leyland.

“But they’ll be choking on their words once they get behind the wheel of one of these beauties.

“Not only does the car look gorgeous with a beautiful finish, it handles like a dream and should also come with cheap car insurance.”

The Fiesta Farage, the first British-made car since the Trabant was reintroduced to Norfolk, starts at just £29,000 for the base model.

But if you want an engine and four wheels, you will have to stump up an extra £8,000.

And if you really like flashy new motors, check out the new Suffolk eco-friendly car that can go ten miles on just one plastic token.

For all news on Brexit, visit Cooper Parry.

When too much freedom spoils a child

The Editor
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When too much freedom spoils a child

We’ve been overly controlled by our parents, and most of us try to make lives of our children different, which means that we are going to give them more freedom. Unfortunately, some of us confuse more freedom with no control and no limits. At first you’re enjoying the fact that your kid has a different, more happy childhood than you had, but soon you’re going to face a serious problem of an uncontrolled child. So, how much freedom should a child have and how to not spoil your child? Let’s have a more detailed look with mothers from mariadating.com site at how much freedom is enough for your kid.

Why Absolute Freedom is Wrong?
When we think about freedom, an absolute freedom often pop-ups in your head. But when absolute freedom is wrong with the adults, how can it be right with children? There won’t be no schedule for your kid. You child can stay up all night and sleep all day. No boundaries and no limits. Then comes the school, which is going to have its restriction. So, are you that kind of parent who would try breaking the system for your kid? Unlikely. Thus, your kid is unprepared for studies and you have no tools to convince your child that he or she needs the school. Schedule is important, but there is no point to push it too far, as your parents did.

What Does Freedom Mean to a Child?
Before you start complaining about how terrible your parents were and which mistakes they’ve done, ask yourself what does freedom mean to you? Is it absolute freedom? If so, think about what terrible mistakes you could have made given an absolute freedom from your parents. Yep, the chances that you won’t live to this day to read this article is pretty high. So, what does freedom mean to a child? Probably it means fewer restrictions and more support from you in their lives. Did you child say that he or she wants to become a singer? Probably the best decision is to send your kid to some singing classes. It is way better than telling them that they should concentrate on their studies. But there are few things you must consider.

Be Objective
The desire to indulge your child is extremely high, but if you don’t want to spoil your child you need to be objective. If your child wants to become a singer, but you know that your child is tone deaf, there are few things you can do. You can tell it to your child in a polite way, and if he or she doesn’t believe for some reasons, let him or her hear it from professional musicians. In order not to upset your child, you can offer him or her dancing or acting classes.

Don’t Force Your Kid into Any Activity
You felt upset that your parents have never sent you to singing, dancing or acting classes? You won’t avenge yourself by forcing your kid into these activities. It is one thing, when you kid enjoys singing or acting, and another thing when you are forcing him or her into it. Children forced into dancing or acting classes often complain that their parents had limited their freedom by those classes. So, you need to mind your kid’s desires.

Norfolk women allowed to vote for the first time

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Norfolk women allowed to vote for the first time

Edna Spratt on LinkedIn

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Women in Norfolk have finally won the right to vote in their parish councils, the Government announced last night.

It follows generations of protests from the Norfolk Suffragettes, some of whom were imprisoned for hurling turnips at the Houses of Parliament or setting fire to haystacks.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Yarmouth, said: “My granny, Edna Spratt (pictured above) chained herself to the railings outside Jarrolds with a placard saying, ‘Gissa vote, buh’.

“She worked hard all her life toiling on the land. She raised 23 children in dire poverty. She worked her six fingers to the bone.

“Yet when it came to voting at the parish council, she was turned away.”

Lorraine has continued to fight for women’s rights in Norfolk.

“Our next battle is to win the right to drive a tractor.

“We may even help our menfolk get free education,” she said. “At the moment they are really backward, even believing that their football team can win a game one day.”

A Government insider confirmed Norfolk women would be allowed to vote in parish councils.

He said: “100 years after women in the rest of the country were allowed to vote for the first time, we are now letting it happen in Norfolk.

“But only for parish council elections. We can’t allow them to have a say on important things – anything might happen.”

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