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Ancient burial site ‘may be a hoax’, enthusiasts warned

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Barrow in Suffolk

By Red Wald, Archaeology Correspondent

A supposedly ancient barrow – or ancient burial site – discovered recently in Risby could be a hoax, it has been revealed.

Fans of archaeology and keen metal detectorists were disappointed as the much-heralded long barrow, on the edge of the village near Bury St Edmunds, may not be all it seems.

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Amateur archaeologist Lorraine Fisher, 34, first spotted the rare earthwork whilst out walking her rescued Jack Russell cross.

She said: “All of a sudden, she started barking like crazy and running straight towards this big mound.

“I’ve walked in that field hundreds of times and never noticed it before. She’s a clever dog!”

Experts in the archaeology department at Suffolk University were unable to confirm rumours that the barrow was linked to the nearby Anglo-Saxon Village site in West Stow.

Spokeswoman Marcia Schofield said: “We are pleading with the public to leave the earthwork alone until we can confirm its age.

“The problem is that allotment gardeners are turning up and vandalising the ancient burial site.

“We are concerned that this barrow appears to have surfaced overnight. Perhaps the recent unusually-sunny weather has dried out the surrounding earth and exposed it.”

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Metal detector enthusiasts have already overrun the site, but so far nothing of significance has surfaced.

One man, who refused to be named, said: “It’s as if it’s a load of old shite.”

The landowner could not be reached for comment, but his land agent stated that there had been quite a lot of unusual movements near the site.

“We have no idea what all the fuss is about,” he said.

The news follows an extraordinary recent find in Norfolk, which proved metal tools were used there as far back as 1946.

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Queen gives Framlingham Castle to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle

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Prince Harry Meghan Markle at Framlingham Castle

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

Prince Harry and his new bride Meghan Markle have been given Framlingham Castle in Suffolk for their family home, it has emerged.

The Queen is handing the happy couple the popular castle as a special wedding present.

Her Majesty was herself given Framlingham Castle by a grateful nation on the occasion of her 90th birthday in 2016.

But she has been unable to use the country retreat as much as she would have liked, seeing as she spends a lot of time at her other homes in London, Norfolk, Windsor and Scotland.

So she has taken the opportunity to set up the newlyweds, who married in Windsor on Saturday, with a lovely new home in the heart of the Suffolk countryside.

Her Majesty had ordered that the happy couple be called the Duke and Duchess of SUFFOLK, but a Royal flunky misheard and announced them to the world as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex.

Framlingham Castle was made famous by fellow well-known ginger, Ed Sheeran.

His song, Castle on the Hill, was based on the building in his home town of Framlingham, which is about 12 miles from Ipswich.

Locals are super excited that Harry and former television actress Meghan will be coming to live in Suffolk.

The prince is known as something of a party lover, and it is expected he will make use of some of Framlingham’s pubs, such as the Station, where Ed Sheeran was pictured taking Taylor Swift for a drink.

Framlingham Castle will be ideal for Duke and Duchess of Sussex because it has highly-fortified walls and, as Ed Sheeran noted, it is on a hill.

Originally a Norman castle, it was built in 1148 but destroyed by Henry II 30 years later. It was rebuilt by Roger Bigod, the Earl of Norfolk, but locals do not hold his title against him.

After being given the castle for her 90th, The Queen went on a £17 million renovation programme at the public’s expense to bring it up to royal standards.

However, Government officials insisted the money was raised by imposing a special tax on wealthy Londoners buying second homes on the nearby Suffolk coast.

Bring a mug into your life

Norfolk couple camp for week to catch glimpse of Royal wedding

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Norfolk couple

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

A Norfolk couple have camped out in their country lane for a week in the hope of catching a glimpse of the Royal wedding.

Bubba and Darlene Spuckler, from Downham Market, say they are excited to see Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

“We’ve been sitting in the lane since Sunday to make sure we get a good spot to see the happy couple,” Bubba, 43, said.

It is not clear why the Spucklers think the newly-weds will travel along the Norfolk country lane, which is a dead-end.

And no one has had the heart to tell them the wedding is hundreds of miles away in Windsor.

The Spucklers have seemingly not learnt their lesson from Prince William’s wedding in 2011, when they camped out in the isolated lane for two weeks.

“William and Kate never showed up,” explained Darlene. “I expect they had a last-minute change of plan. These things happen.”

The couple have kept up their spirits while camping out by playing with sticks and eating mud.

Bubba said: “We’ve not seen anyone else all week, but I expect they’ll all rush here at the last minute to try to see Harry and Meghan, and other members of the Royal family.

“But they’ll regret it as they may not get a good view. That’s why we camped out – we’ve got the best spot.”

The news comes just a day after it was revealed Donald Trump had disguised himself as the Queen in order to gatecrash the Royal wedding.

Donald Trump dresses up as the Queen to gatecrash Royal wedding

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Donald Trump disguised as The Queen

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

Donald Trump has disguised himself as the Queen in order to gatecrash this weekend’s Royal wedding, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

The US President was so distraught about missing out on an invite that he took matters into his own hands.

He hired America’s finest make-up artists to dress him like Her Majesty, and they even give him her trademark hairstyle.

Mr Trump has been moving about London and Windsor all week pretending to be the Queen – and has even had members of the Royal family fooled.

The Duchess of Cambridge thought something was amiss when she sat next to ‘the Queen’ at a church service to celebrate the 75th anniversary of the RAF Dambusters World War Two mission this week.

Donald Trump and Duchess of Cambridge

But new mum Kate still didn’t cotton on to the imposter – much like the Duke of Edinburgh, who was unaware his carriage companion at Goodwood races was not his wife.

Prince Philip and Donald Trump

Trump’s ingenious charade stepped up a gear when he infiltrated Buckingham Palace on Wednesday and attended a lavish reception for Commonwealth ambassadors.

He found his way to the Queen’s private quarters and was photographed being dressed for the formal banquet – including donning Her Majesty’s jewels and priceless tiara.

Donald the Queen with tiara

He then ate a five-course with atrocious table manners – but that still didn’t give the game away.

Donald Trump as the Queen

On Thursday Mr Trump moved on to Windsor to prepare for the Royal wedding, where Prince Harry would wed Meghan Markle, an American just like the President.

To keep up his pretence, he had to attend several more engagements, and by now his impersonation of the Queen was perfect.

First he presented prizes to the top jam makers in a competition held by the Windsor branch of the Women’s Institute.

Queen Trump

Then it was off to watch a military band in Great Windsor Park. Now wearing a fetching pink outfit with matching hat, Trump clapped along enthusiastically with tiny gloved hands.

The Queen or Donald Trump

Soon, however, it was all getting a bit too much as the US President realised being the Queen was quite hard work.

After yet another change of outfits, he had to attend a tedious reception for local council dignitaries. And he started looking thoroughly bored with the whole thing.

Annoyed Donald Queen

But he soon rallied, realising his dream of attending the Royal wedding was just hours away.

Another engagement this morning at a Windsor wildlife sanctuary cheered him up, as he likes ducks. Especially when they are well done in a nice sauce.

Donald duck

Finally he was able to try on the outfit he will wear for the Royal wedding – a beautiful blue gown with matching jewellery.

His Majesty Donald Trump

Royal security will now be on the lookout for the President at the Royal wedding – and trying to find out what has happened to the real Queen, who was famously given Framlingham Castle in Suffolk for her 90th birthday.

Spanish potato farmer is Donald Trump double

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Spanish potato farmer

A female Spanish potato farmer has the dubious honour of being Donald Trump’s double.

The happy farmer is of sizeable proportion, and looks elegant in her colourful top and skirt.

And, as if to show she takes no prisoners, she poses with a giant hoe over her shoulder (no Donald Trump jokes there, please).

The photograph of Dolores Leis Antelo was posted by a journalist who was at the farm in Cabana de Bergantiños on an unrelated story.

He posted the photo with the Trump reference but quickly deleted it.

Luckily for us, it was too late as it had already begun being shared on the internet!

Donald Trump double

Now dubbed Señora Trump, Delores is said to be “charmed” that her photograph is being viewed with such keen interest on the web.

“My photo seems to have traveled far. I say it is because of the color of my hair,” she told a Spanish newspaper.

It is not clear if Mr Trump has seen the photo, or if Delores will be invited to the White House.

Masked burglar spotted at Chelsea football match

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Burglar spotted at Chelsea

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A wanted burglar was caught by television cameras this week watching Chelsea play Huddersfield, police have confirmed.

The masked thief is believed to be behind hundreds of crimes in west London and has evaded all efforts to catch him.

But officers were close to catching their man when he was spotted at Stamford Bridge wearing his distinctive black mask and purple t-shirt.

Police rushed to the stand but the villain, dubbed the Chelsea Dagger, had done a runner.

Inspect Will Knabbem, from Scotland Yard, said: “The lads were watching the Chelsea match on the television in the incident room when the Dagger popped up on the screen.

“They couldn’t believe it – and rushed down to the ground to make an arrest.

“But he’s a slippery customer, and by the time we got there he had vanished.”

It is believed the Chelsea Dagger, so-called because he uses his knife to pick locks, is responsible for 340 burglaries in the posh Chelsea and Kensington districts of London.

He has been caught on CCTV several times wearing his trademark mask which covers his face.

Police say he is around five feet ten inches tall and, according to the man standing next to him in the ground, speaks with a London accent.

That rules him out being a Huddersfield supporter who only pops down to London to watch football and burgle properties.

Police will now be glued to all future televised Chelsea matches in case the burglar is spotted again.

“We’re not daft,” the police spokesman said. “If he dares to turn up at Stamford Bridge again, we’ll grab him.”

Britain irritated by disrespectful dawn chorus

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Alternative dawn chorus

By Jack Dawes

Britain is waking up to an unusually annoying and noisy dawn chorus as migrating birds return for the summer.

Particularly prevalent this year seem to be the colourful Wheelie Bin Throat Rumbler and the cheeky Glass Bottle Roller.

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And while the Red Crested Car Alarm is active at all times of year, the returning Reversing Bin Lorry is back with its distinctive call made all the more harsh when the bedroom window is left open.

Excited ornathologists say the Engine Revving Shitehawk has been heard in front gardens from Lowestoft in the north of Suffolk to as far west as Sudbury.

Twitcher Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Normally I like to open the curtains so we can all admire my Great Tits.

“But at this time of the year, when we tend to sleep with the windows open, we are hearing all manner of feathered friends even with the curtains closed.

“There are some rare species being heard across Suffolk.

“Only yesterday we had reports of a Large Door Slammer in Felixstowe, and even a Bickering C*nt in Stowmarket.

“The Bickering C*nt is the rare cousin of the more commonly-known Irritating C*nt, which is a thrush.”

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Not everyone is as keen on the fantastic dawn chorus generated by our feathered friends.

Steve Walshe, from Woodbridge, Tweeted: “We’ve had the lot going off this morning, including a Cat Stabber, which makes an awful screeching sound.

“Some people love birds, but their bloody morning noise wakes me up far too early. It is disrespectful”

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Squirrel rips off man’s testicle during World Naked Gardening Day

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Squirrel rips of testicle

A squirrel ripped off a man’s testicle and buried it after he dozed off during World Naked Gardening Day.

The nude victim was fast asleep on his sun lounger when the pesky grey squirrel seized his nuts.

It ripped away the man’s right testicle with one bite – and he awoke in agony to see the rodent running off down to the bottom of the garden.

As the gardener howled in agony, covered in blood, the squirrel calmly buried the testicle next to a tree.

World Naked Gardening Day is becoming more popular by the year, and the unnamed victim from the Ipswich area was thought to be one of hundreds of keen local gardeners taking part.

Phil Ward, a spokesman for Ipswich Hospital, confirmed: “A man was treated for a bite injury, apparently caused by a squirrel.

“People really should remain clothed in the garden – last year a seagull ripped off a sunbather’s testicle in Ipswich.”

The Suffolk Gazette understands the man’s wife heard his screams and rushed outside to see him writhing in agony.

She called the ambulance, and told neighbours no one could believe what had happened.

One local said: “The poor man will have a story to tell his grandchildren one day. Thankfully he’s already had kids so there is no problem with that.”

Lorraine Fisher, 34, an animal behaviour expert, said: “Squirrels are very active at this time of year.

“They are busy hoarding food as well as being a little aggressive as they are looking for a mate.

“They can give a nasty nip, so they are best avoided. Clearly the animal thought it had got hold of a tasty walnut.”