Wednesday, May 28, 2025
Home Blog Page 235

New Hong Kong to be rebuilt off Suffolk in extraordinary snub to China

1
Hong Kong moving to Suffolk
An exact replica of Hong Kong will be built off Suffolk

A full-sized replica of Hong Kong will be built off Felixstowe so all repressed residents can move from the Far East to sleepy Suffolk.

The British Government scheme is expected to infuriate China, which is putting further pressure and claims on the former British territory.

Hundreds of tower blocks and thousands of properties will be built on land reclaimed from the sea – enough space for all of Hong Kong’s 7.4 million residents to move into.

And an international airport will be developed off Felixstowe, while Felixstowe Port will also be included, offering beneficial customs and tax incentives.

Work will begin on the new territory, which will be fully autonomous with its own police and customs authority, next year.

Government spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “The idea is that the good people of Hong Kong will be able to live a repression-free life in familiar buildings and infrastructure.

“Moving from the Far East to settle off East Anglia means Hong Kong can once again become an economic and strategic force – but without Chinese interference.

“The people of Hong Kong might need to get used to a change in the weather but other than that, everything will be just how they want it.”

The future night-time view of Hong Kong from the Suffolk coast
The future night-time view of Hong Kong from the Suffolk coast

Where now Hong Kong is known as the gateway to the east and China, it will become the new gateway to East Anglia.

The new Hong Kong will feature an international airport, with Prime Minister Boris Johnson keen to rejuvenate his Boris Island Airport idea, switching it from the Thames Estuary to the North Sea.

It is expected Suffolk housebuilders will be given the first opportunity to bid on the building projects.

Government sources say the money spent will be repaid within 25 years from a small tax on New Hong Kong’s international trade.

Solve your gift headache with a mug

Stuck for a gift idea? Browse the cool mugs from the Suffolk Gazette’s pottery partner, Dirty Old Goat. Or buy direct below.

Police enforce quarantine period for anyone arriving from Norfolk

1
Norfolk Police pitchforks
Suffolk Police now monitoring the Norfolk border

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Suffolk authorities have slapped a two-week quarantine period on anyone arriving from Norfolk.

The tough police-enforced measures will prevent disease from the rural backwater of Norfolk spreading to the modern, clean and healthy county of Suffolk.

Restrictions are mainly in place for Norfolk people desperately trying to flee to Suffolk, but also for Suffolk people who accidentally strayed over the border.

There are also checks on people coming into Suffolk from Essex, but they are healthier and, in most cases, can continue their journeys.

Director of Suffolk Public Health, Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “We have worked hard to contain the COVID-19 situation in Suffolk.

“We simply cannot put that at risk by allowing people travelling from Norfolk to spread their germs all over the place.”

The Suffolk border wall is now being used as a screening centre, and further watchtowers have been placed in strategic places across the length of the border.

Show your affection for Norfolk

We love Norfolk so much we produced two special, exclusive mugs for you to buy. See below or browse our full funny mugs collection

Preparing for university: what you need to know

0
moving away to university

Moving away from home and advancing into higher education can be stressful and overwhelming. If you have career goals and ambition, taking the natural step and going to university can help you gain the qualifications you need to work in your chosen profession.

If university is just around the corner, here are some tips on how to get the most out of your experience and keep your physical and mental wellbeing in check.

Find the right university

The process of finding the right university can be time consuming and tiring. Whether you’re dead set on what you want to study, or you need a little help, there are dozens of establishments dotted across the country to pick from. When you factor in the amount of time, money, and effort you will put into your course, it’s vital that you make the right decision. You might want to check out access courses first. Start your undergraduate degree journey today by comparing a range of university providers, rankings, and student reviews to help you find the right one.

Sort out your finances

Many students have to live on a tight budget to see them throughout the year. If you’re about to live away from home for the first time, fending for yourself and being in control of your finances can be daunting. To ensure you don’t run out of funds and have to call the bank of Mum and Dad, there are lots of savvy finance tips that you can take on board. Whether it’s by shopping at discounted supermarkets, picking the cheapest accommodation, or getting a part-time job, having an emergency fund behind you is key. You should also apply for student finance so you can work out how much you’re entitled to and whether they can cover the full cost of your tuition.

Learn to cook

If you’ve been lucky enough to have had home cooking all your life, going it alone and having to make your own meals from scratch can be scary. Instead of relying on takeaways to see you through, learning how to cook in bulk can be a great way to save money during your time as a university student. Too many takeaways aren’t good for your health or student budget, so getting to grips with the basics of cooking is important. No one is saying you must be an excellent cook, but as long as you stay persistent and try out different dishes, you will begin to enhance your cooking skills.

Make sure you’re organised

Being organised and in control from the beginning of university is crucial. Before heading on your new adventure, it’s important that everything is sorted with your accommodation and finances. While it may not be much fun sorting these things out, you will be thankful in the long run. You may need to purchase specialist textbooks and equipment for your studies too, so make sure that you bring a laptop, pens, and a notepad. With coursework comes deadlines, so it’s important that you possess time management skills that will take you far in the working world.

Get ahead with your reading

No matter what course you choose, it’s likely that there will be reading involved. If you study a text-based subject like Law or English, you need to be prepared for the dozens of textbooks you will be required to read. If your university has emailed you a list of reading materials that will be covered in your first semester, getting a head start and starting your reading early can help you feel more confident once your course begins. Reading in advance will also give you a better indication of what your course entails.

Get packing

If you’re moving away for university, making your new space a home away from home can make all the difference. Although it may take some time to get settled in your new accommodation, making your bedroom feel homely can help reduce stress levels. For those who have been lucky enough to live in a spacious bedroom, you may not have the same luxury in your halls, so it’s important that you pack the essentials (rather than your whole room!). Sorting out the essentials first, such as your clothing and electrical items is best. To remind you of your loved ones, you may want to bring sentimental items such as photo frames and cards.

Stay social

Being in a new environment and around strangers can be overwhelming at first, however, to get the most out of your university experience, putting yourself out there and being social is key. You need to remember that everyone will be in the same boat as you, so taking yourself out of your comfort zone and attending events that your university has put on can be a great opportunity to network. It’s just as important to stay social with your friends and family back home, so having regular calls and interactions can be a great way to let off steam and help keep you on track with your course.

Embarking on this new chapter in your life should be something to be excited about, rather than fear. Going to university can be a great opportunity to expand your knowledge, meet people from all walks of life, and gain a new perspective on life. The unknown can be scary, so taking all the advice above into account can help make your university experience one to remember.

Suffolk now has more garden trampolines than anywhere else

0
Suffolk now has more garden trampolines than anywhere else

Suffolk has become the garden trampolines capital of Britain, fed-up neighbours have confirmed.

Glorious weather and home-schooling during lockdown have seen sales of garden trampolines bounce through the roof, displacing leafy Surrey as the county with most sales.

Where once there was the sound of birdsong and the occasional lawnmower echoing around Suffolk’s housing estates, now there are rhythmic springs and excited squeals.

“It’s nice that the kids can get out and enjoy the fresh air,” beamed proud mum Lorraine Fisher, 34, as her small son Alfie nearly broke his neck performing a somersault.

However, the exponential growth in garden trampolines ownership has not been appreciated by everyone.

Garden trampolines tensions

Those currently required to work from home have reported that tensions with bouncing neighbours are rising.

Accountant Steve Walshe said: “It’s like some demented Whack-a-Mole from Hell round here at the moment.

“Every hour of every day from 9am through to 5pm, it’s squeak, squeak, squeak; as little tousled heads appear and disappear over our suburban garden fences. Conference calls are a nightmare!”

Normal for Norfolk as sex with someone outside family unit is banned

0
Normal for Norfolk as sex with someone outside family unit is banned

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

There was a collective shrug of the shoulders in Norfolk today as new lockdown rules made it illegal for people to have sex with anyone from outside of their family home.

People from the rural county backwater have maintained intimate close to home for hundreds of years.

So new COVID-19 measures designed to limit infection outside of family units will not affect them at all.

Health England official Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Norfolk people have kept it in the family for years.

“We expect the new laws will present no problems there.”

Norfolk man Bubba Spuckler, who lives with his sister and their eight children, said: “Cor, blast me. Yur gettin orn my wick wiv this virus.

“It’s a loada ole squit. I can have jollificeartions with my sis like always.”

Horse racing returns without jockeys

0
Jockeyless horse racing is back

Britain’s punters and bookies were celebrating the return of horse racing today – without any jockeys.

To get around COVID-19 restrictions, horses were sent from the stalls without a rider, using only their instinct and desire to run free.

The first meeting since lockdown was held in Newcastle today with ten exciting, riderless races scheduled.

By the end of the meeting, only 17 horses had gone missing – with three seen running off in the direction of Scotland.

Horse Racing Board spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “To keep on side of social distancing we had to let the horses run without jockeys.

“This led to some entertaining, if a little unpredictable racing, and some punters have cleaned up because the bookies were unsure how to price up the horses.

“Most of the horses made it around the track, in the right direction, although many decided to stop to eat some grass on the way.

“Others simply took off in a haphazard manner and haven’t been seen since.”

It’s yet to be decided whether horse racing without jockeys is more fun and should become a permanent feature.

Today’s special offer mugs

Click on one of the mugs below to buy – or visit our partner Dirty Old Goat.

We do not bring good luck, insist white rabbits

0

Britain’s white rabbits have insisted they do not bring good luck, so don’t blame them if you have a crap month.

As millions of superstitious Brits woke up on June 1 uttering “White rabbits” for good luck, pale bunnies warn it won’t work.

Rabbit Lorraine Fisher, 34 (in rabbit years), said: “They say humans are the most intelligent species.

“Yet you’re telling me they believe saying white rabbits on the first of the month will bring them good luck?

“I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous. I suppose you’ll be blaming us if you catch COVID-19 in June.”

Ms Fisher, who lives in her warren with her 76 children, said there was another bizarre human superstition that troubled her.

“Humans have been known to keep a rabbit’s foot for good luck.

“Well it’s not very lucky for the rabbit, is it?”

Buy a mug for good luck

White rabbits may not bring good luck, but our exclusive Suffolk Gazette mugs certainly do. Buy one below or visit Dirty Old Goat!

Deliverance theme park launches on Norfolk Broads

0

Duelling Banjos from Deliverance

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

A thrilling new adventure park based on the cult film Deliverance is being opened on the Norfolk Broads.

Visitors will be dropped in the remote countryside near Wroxham where they first have to play a banjo with a weird country bumpkin.

Then they are given canoes and told to paddle down the Broads towards Great Yarmouth.

But that is where the fun really begins as the locals, who rarely wash and have few teeth, are out for some entertainment of their own.

deliveranceVisitors get to paddle down the Norfolk Broads (All images: Warner Bros)

Close to Stokesby, the yokels try to catch you, and if you get caught you have to squeal like a pig while being sexually assaulted (and that’s just the men).

Squeal like a pig in DeliveranceSqueal like a pig: visitors must escape the attentions of locals

Those who have tested the park experience for management company Mountain Men Corporation (MMC), say it is the scariest yet most exhilarating theme park they have ever been to.

MMC managing director Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Deliverance was filmed in 1972 and featured four city boys as they took a terrifying canoe trip through Georgia. It was a smash hit, and we wanted to reproduce the experience somewhere in the UK.

“We searched all over and realised Norfolk had everything we needed without having to invest much – there were rivers, rural wilderness, and very weird, backward and deviant local people.”

Local yokel: Just one of the Norfolk men employed by the park

The Deliverance park opens to the public in July. Visitors have to be over 18 and be prepared to die, but each party will be given a powerful bow and arrows in order to try to defend themselves.