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Live scenes as British and French navies clash in Jersey

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The Royal Navy takes on the evil French off Jersey today

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

These are the extraordinary scenes off Jersey today as British and French warships squabble over fishing rights.

War with the French began this morning, but the garlic-eating cheese lovers did not surrender as quickly as normal.

Instead, a battle rages in the Channel Islands as Boris Johnson’s gunboat diplomacy escalates out of control.

The problems started when some French fisherman actually decided to do some work.

But they thought they could fish where they pleased, something that Brexit had changed.

When Jersey, a British Crown Dependency, said they needed a licence or should bugger off, the French got cross and decided to blockade the island.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson was furious and sent two mighty vessels from the Royal Navy, including HMS They Don’t Like it Up ‘Em, to give the French a bloody nose.

Unfortunately, that seems only to have sent pint-sized French president Emmanuel Macron into a tantrum, and he has now sent a warship from the French Navy to join the action.

But local fisheries inspector Lorraine Fisher, 34, says the Royal Navy boys have plenty of rum and cannonballs, cutting through the French fleet at will.

More news as we get it.

Settle back with a nice cup of tea

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Suffolk and Norfolk will merge to become huge ‘super’ county

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New county of Suffolk in the UK
The new map of East Anglia with the new ‘Suffolk’ county

Norfolk and Suffolk are to merge and become a supersize county, bringing huge economic benefits to the area.

Officials have decided the fairest way to name the new county is to take bits from both county’s names.

As a result, they will use the ‘Suff’ from Suffolk and the ‘olk’ from Norfolk to create the new entity called Suffolk.

The large county will attract new business and tourism from all parts of Britain.

And it will do away with the unfortunate Norfolk name, which has been the subject of antagonism and ridicule for hundreds of years.

The new county of Suffolk will become more efficient, with only one county council, police force and other emergency services.

There are also suggestions Norwich City could be scrapped so all residents can support the flagship Ipswich Town football team.

Local councillor Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We look forward to welcoming visitors to the new North Suffolk coast, with picturesque hotspots like Cromer, Blakeney and Wells-next-the-Sea.

“We will obviously have to rename the Norfolk Broads to the enlarged Suffolk Broads.

“The Royal family have been informed and say they like the idea of their Sandringham estate becoming part of Suffolk, just like the Queen’s Framlingham Castle.”

It is expected there will be a public consultation on the new merger and name change.

But this will just be a rubber-stamp exercise, so people in the now-doomed Norfolk county can forget about any form of protest.

Welcome to Suffolk!

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EXCLUSIVE: H from Line of Duty found dead by the A458

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H found dead in Line of Duty
H found dead by the A458

Television fans are in for a huge shock this weekend when it is revealed that H from Line of Duty has been dead for years.

The identity of the shadowy figure at the head of the police corruption scandal has dogged AC12 for years.

But in the gripping Line of Duty finale this Sunday, DI Steve Arnott and DI Kate Fleming track down H after the anti-corruption team received information about a leak.

The corrupt officer is discovered buried on a roadside verge on the A458 outside Birmingham.

A simple headstone marks the grave.

Viewers will see Superintendent Ted Hastings, who has fiercely led the hunt for H for six series of the smash-hit BBC show, devastated that he was never able to bring him or her to justice.

He said: “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph and the wee donkey, can we all go home now?”

BBC insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It is a tremendously exciting climax to the Line of Duty series. AC12 finally tracks down H but to their horror is he or she is already dead.

“Somehow the A458 seems a fitting end to all the red herrings in the show – it’s a road to nowhere.”

Mother of God

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Couple who once stayed in Suffolk pub celebrate wedding anniversary

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William and Kate once stayed in this Westleton pub
William and Kate once stayed in this Westleton pub

A couple who once stayed in a Suffolk pub are celebrating their tenth wedding anniversary.

Just a year after getting hitched at the posh Westminster Abbey venue, The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge enjoyed their first wedding anniversary night at the Westleton Crown Inn, in Suffolk.

Now they are celebrating their tenth wedding anniversary.

But it is unlikely they will be staying in a Suffolk pub again, seeing as Prince William will be king one day – when he gets to wear a crown rather than stay in one.

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1980s nightclub owner looks forward to reopening after lockdown

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Suffolk nightclub owner Anthony Blair
Suffolk nightclub owner Anthony Blair (Photo: ITV News)

The owner of top Suffolk night spot Club Tropicana has told ITV news he can’t wait to reopen again after lockdown.

Mr Anthony Blair, 74, said the COVID restrictions had played havoc with the nightclub industry, but at least he looked forward to throwing open his doors once more on June 21.

Club Tropicana, which offers intimate dances from lovely ladies, is based near the Waterfront in Ipswich and is famous all over town as a sweaty paradise. It was officially opened by Prince Andrew back in 1983.

“All my girls have been on furlough since April of last year,” Mr Blair, famous for his 1980s mullet, told the news channel.

“But I have been busy working behind the scenes; the velvet couches, in particular, needed a good scrub.

“Some local people are a bit snooty about Club Tropicana, but we have rave reviews on Strip Advisor.”

One of Club Tropicana’s so-called “hosts”, Lorraine Fisher, 34-34-34. said: “I’ve been keeping fit as a fiddle and can’t wait to get back to work.

“Lockdown has been hard, but I have been keeping up my fitness levels by practising my pole dancing on the lamppost outside the front door.

“The neighbours were a little surprised but seemed happy.”

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Everything you need to know about streaming Euro 2021

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The cancellation of Euro 2020 was a disappointment to football fans across the globe. This much-anticipated tournament is a highlight of the sporting calendar. It brings together some of the best teams and greatest players in the world and always features grudge matches, huge clashes, and some big surprise knockouts along the way.

When UEFA announced Euro 2020 would definitely go ahead this summer, a global cheer went out. The pandemic may still be among us, but football fans everywhere can still catch all the action and excitement from this year’s tournament.

Welcome to Euro 2021 — or is that Euro 2020 2.0?!

Tournament format

Having competed in qualifying matches throughout 2019 and 2020, 24 teams have made it through to Euro 2021. Between them, they’ll compete in a total of 51 matches spread over a month.

Locations

To celebrate the competition’s 60-year history, matches will be held across 12 countries instead of the usual one or two. Euro 2021 kicks off in the Olimpico Stadium, Rome on June 11, and culminates in the final on July 11 at Wembley Stadium, London.

Of course, ongoing travel restrictions and changes to border policies mean that getting to matches and fan zones is different in each nation. According to The Telegraph, “A fan zone for up to 12,500 supporters to watch England’s Euro 2021 matches on outdoor screens is being planned for Trafalgar Square.”

But we also know that this is contingent on the UK staying on track with its COVID-19 roadmap. Nevertheless, there’s no need to miss the action, even if that means watching from your living room, more on that later, but for now, here’s the group stages:

Group stages

Round one, or the group stage, features six groups of four teams. The four teams compete against each other in this league-style round, with each match-winner being awarded three points. If the match finishes in a draw, each team receives one point.

Teams already know who they’ll face during this stage, and there are already matches that every fan should have in their viewing schedule.

  • England vs. Croatia: June 13
  • France vs. Germany: June 15
  • England vs. Scotland: June 18
  • Portugal vs. Germany: June 19
  • Russia vs. Denmark: June 21
  • Portugal vs. France: June 23

These matches should be exciting viewing and could throw up more than a few surprises.

Round of 16, quarters, semis, and final

The top two teams from each group move into the second round of 16, along with the four best third-place finishers. This round is a knockout tournament where there has to be a winner of each match. If the score is drawn after 90 minutes, the match goes to extra time and then penalties.

Winners progress to one of the four quarter-finals and then to the semi-finals. After the semis, the final two teams will fight it out in the final and one of them will be crowned champion of Europe.

How to watch Euro 2021 online

The Euros always attracts hundreds of thousands of fans from across the world. UEFA estimates that almost 2.5 million spectators attended the tournament in 2016.

2021’s tournament is going to be very different. With 12 host nations this year, players will travel between venues. However, Covid-19 is still creating havoc throughout Europe with lockdowns and travel restrictions still affecting many places. Some countries have announced that they will allow a reduced number of fans into stadiums — as long as the situation remains stable.

So, with most fans unable to travel to cheer on their favorite team in person, millions will be turning to the internet to watch online instead.

Streaming services

A variety of broadcasters around the world have been awarded the rights to show some or all of the 51 games from this year’s tournament. Some of the best free streaming options include:

  • France: TFI, M6
  • UK: ITV, BBC
  • Switzerland: Zattoo
  • Italy: RAI
  • Germany: ARD, ZDF

In the US, fans can catch the live action on ABC, ESPN, and ESPN2. Paid subscription services such as Hulu and YouTube TV will also be streaming coverage from these three networks.

If you’re based outside of these countries, you’ll need a VPN to access the streams. A VPN allows you to select a server located in the country of the provider, log onto its website or download its app, and stream the feeds live. And as an added bonus, it will help keep your device secure while you’re online.

It may be 364 days later than initially planned, but Euro 2021 will finally kick off on June 11. For fans, it’s been a long time coming, and, thanks to technology, we can all watch every exciting moment. So, download a VPN, log on, and cheer on your team without leaving home.

Turks living in England to get Bank Holiday for St George’s Day

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St George's Day flag

Turkish people living in England are to be given an extra Bank Holiday to celebrate St George’s Day, it has emerged.

St George may be the patron saint of England, but he was actually from Turkey and had a Palestinian mother.

So to honour his heritage, Prime Minister Boris Johnson has ordered that anyone currently living in England who can prove their Turkish descent will be given a day off work.

The move has sparked anger from those who say the whole of England should get a Bank Holiday on St George’s Day, which falls today, April 23.

The English claim dashing St George slayed dragons and was a feared sword-weilding knight on a white horse.

But in reality he was born in what is modern-day Turkey in around 280 AD, his mother was from what is now Palestine, while the dragon slaying came from a legend that he chopped the head off a dragon in Libya – nowhere near Suffolk or Staffordshire.

And far from being a hero of many crusades spanning decades, records suggest he was dead by the age of 23.

Downing Street insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It is important to recognise the heritage of those who have chosen to make their new life in the UK. So for our Turkish friends only we will add a Bank Holiday for St George’s Day.”

But patriotic Darren Webster, from Ipswich, fumed: “Why should the Turks get a day off? We should be celebrating with a Bank Holiday – St George is what makes us proud to be English. I won’t be voting for that Mr Johnson now.”

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Dog breeders vs rescues: which is best for you?

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Pets introduce a ton of benefits to your family, such as helping to lower stress, companionship, and even supporting physical health. But choosing to bring a new companion into your home does require preparing yourself for new responsibilities, and those responsibilities begin before you even decide on which dog is the best match for you.  

When considering a 4-legged addition to your household, there are a lot of factors you need to consider before choosing a breed or bringing home your new family member. One of the first choices you need to make is whether to buy from a dog breeder, or choose to adopt from a rescue. Both have a wide array of positive aspects to take into account, and you should weigh each before making a final decision.

Dog rescues and adoption

There are a ton of reasons why you may be considering adopting a dog for a shelter or rescue. For starters, you very well may be saving a life. Many shelters unfortunately have to put animals down if they are not adopted to make room for more unwanted pets. Despite the harshness of this practice, when an animal goes unclaimed or unwanted, decisions have to be made to help as many animals as possible.Rescues often are no-kill, and may even specialize in specific breeds to help them find the perfect home.

When you do adopt, you open up room for the facility to bring in and house another pet. The adoption fees also go towards feeding and caring for other unwanted animals, and your new dog will also come with a mandatory spay or neuter to help avoid future unwanted and irresponsible breedings.

You also often have a better chance of finding a perfect match if you are not interested in raising a puppy. Mature dogs may have basic commands and housebreaking already under their belt, and elderly dogs may be the perfect, low energy companion. Either way, you are giving them all a second chance at life

Dog adoption considerations

Anytime you adopt a dog, especially one that is already grown, you do run a risk of the unknown. Some shelters require home checks or socialization before finalizing and adoption, but not all do.

Also, many shelter dogs may be of mixed breed, and may carry breed traits you are trying to avoid (such as high energy, a kill drive, or herding instincts). Although it isn’t the dog’s fault if they exhibit these traits since they are normal for some breeds, it may be undesirable in some living or family situations. Because of this, the important factor in adoption is to not always adopt based on what an animal looks like- but how they behave.

Dog breeders

One of the biggest reasons people consider a reputable breeder is predictability and accountability. Knowing a breed, parenting line, and socialization prior to purchase goes a long way towards having an animal that behaves in a manner you expect. This is especially helpful for households that have children. For example, specialized miniature breeds, such as the mini goldendoodle, are popular for family households and are carefully bred by responsible breeders.

Many breeders may also have beloved mature or older dogs that they had held back for a breeding program but didn’t use. Or a retired pet that has lived with the family, but they want to have the opportunity to live out the rest of their life with a loving family. These dogs are already well known and cared for and so you know exactly what you will be receiving. Plus, breeders will also generally take an animal back if the dog doesn’t work out for you, or something unexpected happens since they do not want their dogs to end up unwanted or in a shelter.

Dog breeders also keep detailed records of health and vaccinations. This is a very important factor to consider, especially if you are introducing a new dog to a household that already has pets.

Dog breeder considerations

Of course, not all breeders are the same, and you’ll need to do a little research in advance before choosing the best for you. Reputable breeders can often put you in touch with other families that have their dogs as reference, and will always be welcoming- and in fact most likely want to interview you to see if YOU are the best fit for their pups.

Buying from a breeder is not a cheap expense either. You may be asked to provide a down payment and sign a contract. Most breeders will also require you spay or neuter your pet, or will charge extra for papers if you plan to show or breed.

Dog breeding and accountability

Unfortunately, the last decade or so has focused so much on pet adoption, the term dog breeder has become almost synonymous with the negative term “puppy mill” in order to promote rescue pets.  It is incredibly important to note these are incredibly different terms, and true dog breeders are amongst the most ethical and responsible pet owners in existence- and the terms should not be used synonymously with one another.

Puppy mills

Puppy mills is a term used to define high-volume dog breeding that focuses on profit over dog health and breed responsibility. Many times the animals that come from these situations are sold to help fill the cages in pet stores, and may show signs of inbreeding to highlight specialized traits people are ignorantly shopping for (such as size or color). These animals are often kept in cages and are not exposed to socialization until sold.

Despite this, this doesn’t mean these animals do not deserve the love and care a responsible owner can give them. And negative marketing used to promote rescue only often leaves these animals homeless and fated to euthenasia.

Dog breeders

Responsible dog breeders are a completely different situation, and these individuals breed out of love for a specific breed, or to help keep certain traits alive and healthy for those who use dogs for more than just companionship. Often, breeders may only have a litter or two per bitch a year and keep their dogs as companions; raising the puppies in their households so they become socialized to children and other pets before being sold to their new home.

Many people prefer a specific breed due to their traits- such as size and temperament – and buying from a reputable breeder helps avoid behavioral surprises down the road. Also, people around the world still depend on working dogs. Farmers and ranchers, for example, use dogs to guard livestock, gather animals, and help reduce workload- and not just any breed of dog is capable of this type of responsibility. Sportsmen, such as hunters, also depend on specific breeds to help flush or retrieve game.

No matter what you decide, just be sure to think ahead before commiting to a certain dog due to how they look, or how cute a puppy is. You want a companion for years, and not be forced to rethink your decision due to behavioral or health traits.