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Only four more u-turns before Christmas

The Editor
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Only four more u-turns before Christmas
Boris Johnson u-turn
Boris Johnson, u-turn specialist (Photo: Estonian Presidency CC BY 2.0)

There are now only four more u-turns until Christmas, Britain has been warned.

The news will come as a shock as many believed there would be lots more Government u-turns than that.

But four it is, so they had better be big ones.

Political commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s been such as fabulous year that the days have simply flown by.

“Now, without us realising, Christmas has crept up on us and will be here in just four u-turns time.

“We can’t be sure what those u-turns will be, but high on the list of potential u-turns is granting Scottish independence, cancelling Brexit, and making Donald Trump a Lord.”

Too late for Christmas

Unfortunately, it’s now probably too late to order a Suffolk Gazette mug and get it in time for Christmas. Instead, buy one to enjoy after Christmas…

Cancelled your trip to Vegas? How to recreate the experience at home

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Cancelled your trip to Vegas? How to recreate the experience at home

For most of us, the year 2020 has not planned out as we had hoped, and our travel plans, in particular, have been disrupted the most. Unless you have been living under a rock for the last few months, you will likely already be far too familiar with COVID-19 and the pandemic that has engulfed the globe this year.

However, if you have had to cancel a trip to the entertainment and gambling centre of the world, then do not panic. We are here to help you recreate the ultimate Las Vegas experience from the comfort of your own home. With the right games, company, food, and entertainment, you can enjoy a night at home while still feeling like you’re in the exciting state of Nevada!

Use online casinos

You simply cannot even attempt to recreate the Vegas experience from home without some games and gambling to get the night going. People travel from all over the world to visit the endless casinos in Vegas, but the beauty of recreating the experience from home is that you don’t have to go traipsing around looking for the best casino for you.

Instead, by making the most of the huge selection of online gambling platforms that have become available to us in recent years, you can play safely and securely from home. Finding the best online slots UK is made so much easier by online casino’s reviews sites that provides you with everything you need to know.

From the best online slots you can play to the free spins that are up for grabs, this site has listed the best online slots, as well as lots of other honest reviews. This means that whatever gaming interests you have, there will be an online casino for you that will help you recreate the ultimate Vegas experience and atmosphere at home. You may even experience some beginner’s luck!

Cook up a storm

A physical trip to Las Vegas would include some of the best cooked food in the world, so it is only right that you recreate this when bringing the Vegas experience to your own home. Food in Las Vegas is very diverse, and no matter what food you enjoy, you will find it in the thousands of bars and hotels that the city has to offer. Therefore, we recommend that you go for a buffet-style approach to the food you serve so that everyone involved can pick what they fancy.

While of course there are plenty of fine dining options in Vegas, we recommend that you stick to buffet food that can be eaten quickly so that you aren’t as restricted by rigid timing and are free to enjoy the games and entertainment. We suggest you cook up food such as chicken sliders, skewers, and waffle bites, to give you a taste of truly American food. 

Remember that you will be busy playing games online, so you don’t want to have greasy fingers. You may also want to give your food an overall Vegas theme by dishing up fast food and other dishes with a US theme.

Don’t forget the decorations

Las Vegas is well-known for its unique and glamourous décor, so it is crucial that you consider this when recreating the experience at home. From table games to giant dice and giant playing cards, you can buy a range of decorations, or if you fancy a challenge you could always get crafty and try to make decorations yourself.

However, if you want to go all out then you could draft in the professionals to help you take the decorations to the next level. Many event companies offer the ultimate ‘Vegas from home’ decoration packages, which include the perfect props and lighting to create the perfect atmosphere.

Just make sure that you don’t forget that the decorations won’t look anywhere near as good if you don’t have the right music to accompany them. An energising playlist is essential when creating the right atmosphere throughout the night and of course should feature some of the Vegas classics, such as Sinatra and Elvis. However, don’t be afraid to play whatever music gets the party going!

Have cocktails ready

A Las Vegas experience is also not complete without a range of delicious cocktails to enjoy, and you can enjoy these just as much from the comfort of your own home. Casino-themed cocktails are not as complicated as you might think and online you will find a range of Vegas cocktails, how to make them, and what ingredients you will need.

You may even want to add to the experience and create your very own Vegas-themed cocktail menu for yourself and your guests to choose from throughout the night. However, we do recommend that you have some pre-mixed cocktails at the ready so you can immerse yourself in the experience while always having a full glass in true Vegas fashion.

Dress code

Whether your Vegas at home experience is intended just for you and your family, or you plan to invite around some friends to share the fun, you could also consider a dress code to make it feel even more like you are in Vegas. While plenty of people keep it casual in Vegas, you could also go for the glitz and glam that has become synonymous with the Vegas strip. For the ultimate casino theme, you could set the dress code as formal wear, to add a bit of class to the experience.

However, if you want to keep it casual with just jeans and t-shirts then that’s fine as well. That’s the great thing about Vegas – it welcomes everyone!

By having the right decorations, music, and food on hand you can bring the Vegas experience to your own home while enjoying everything the world of online casinos has to offer and having a great night at the same time. Not even COVID-19 will get in the way of you experiencing everything that Las Vegas has to offer.

Chris Rea is not now driving home for Christmas

The Editor
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Chris Rea is not now driving home for Christmas
Chris Rea not driving home for Christmas
Chris Rea was forced to turn back on the M1 (Photo: official YouTube video)

Rock star Chris Rea has been forced to turn around on the M1 and will no longer be driving home for Christmas.

Mr Rea had set off for his Middlesbrough home from London and was singing Driving Home for Christmas in his car when news broke on the radio.

Boris Johnson announced London had moved into Tier 4 and no-one could travel or join another household for Christmas.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, Mr Rea’s spokesperson said: “It put him in quite the pickle. He had just got on to the M1 and was looking forward to the 250-mile journey.

“But he then realised he was not allowed to drive home for Christmas after all. So, he had to turn around near Watford and go back to London again.”

It is not known how Mr Rea will pass the time in London. He might take up chess or poker, but is advised to visit the best poker training sites first.

Comforting mugs

You can buy one of our special mugs from the Dirty Old Goat website, or direct from the list below. We cannot guarantee delivery in time for Christmas – Royal Mail had suggested Monday is the last posting day but there could be delays (maybe Chris Rea getting in the way returning to London)…

Leave Santa a substantial meal or he can’t visit next week

The Editor
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Leave Santa a substantial meal or he can’t visit next week
Santa needs a substantial meal

Britain’s children have been told to leave out a substantial meal for Santa on Christmas Eve because a measly mince pie flouts the rules.

Kids usually leave out a snack and a glass of sherry for Father Christmas and a carrot for Rudolph, even though that’s a little unfair on the other reindeer.

But this year, for Santa to be allowed anywhere near your home, he must do so while consuming a substantial meal.

Government spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Four scotch eggs should do the trick. He is absolutely not allowed a drink without a substantial meal.

“But a mince pie won’t cut it. It will just encourage the coronavirus to spread and that won’t do.”

Asked whether Santa can cope with tens of millions of substantial meals in one night, Ms Fisher added: “Well he looks like he can put it away.”

Last call for Christmas mugs

There are just a few days left to order your Suffolk Gazette mugs and get them delivered in time for Christmas. Order direct from Dirty Old Goat or from our mug selection below…

Lewis Hamilton to set Rudy Giuliani on BBC if he loses SPOTY

The Editor
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Lewis Hamilton to set Rudy Giuliani on BBC if he loses SPOTY

The 15th of November 2020 was a landmark day for Lewis Hamilton as he matched Michael Schumacher’s record of seven Formula One world titles.

It was a momentous day back on the British Isles and the world’s media descended on high-streets across the land to interview Lewis’ proud countrymen. “Can’t be arsed”, was the general response from most of the public, who were far more concerned that Mason Mount was going to start ahead of Jack Grealish during a meaningless international football match on the same day.

But how has it come to this? Why have Hamilton’s countrymen shunned a man who grew up in the slums of Stevenage and brought so much pride to a nation? It’s an absolute disgrace and, if anything, the English public should be down on bended knee thanking Lewis for all he does for the country from his penthouse in the heavily-taxed paradise of Monaco.

Of course, with the Sports Personality of the Year awards coming up, the BBC SPOTY odds tell a different story and make the man who is best friends with Justin Bieber out to be very popular. He is odds on favourite at 8/11 to win it after all. However, we all know, as we face the prospect of having to acquire visas on our European summer holidays from 2021 onwards, what a fool’s game it is predicting the outcome of a public vote.

However, despite the latest positive odds, the public’s indifference to Hamilton’s success isn’t lost on the Formula One driver and neither is the possibility that he may not win BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year award. That’s given that, in reality, he is about as likeable as the neglected toffee finger in the Quality Street packet on Boxing Day.

In fact, the results of a recent YouGov poll have suggested that the British public would vote for former Number 10 adviser Dominic Cummings ahead of Lewis Hamilton if given the choice. It’s unclear if the Great British public knew that Cummings was ineligible for the title as he was not a sportsman. Perhaps they thought his road trip to Barnard Castle automatically qualified him as a professional driver. Who knows?

With this damming poll in mind, the word coming from Hamilton’s camp is that the 35-year-old has already sounded out Donald Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, should he not be crowned the winner of the award. 

Giuliani, recent star of Borat 2 and Trump’s personal lawyer, has been fighting tooth and nail on behalf of the POTUS in the bid to shine a light on the fact that, in spite of official results and ballots counted, the Donald actually won at the polls.

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1328200072987893762

Hamilton is said to have been exceptionally impressed at Giuliani’s ability to cast doubt over whether the sky is even blue, and feels that he is the right man to help him with SPOTY, once the inevitable voter fraud has taken place. Trump has even weighed in on Lewis’s decision to call in his top dog and has said: “Lewis is a great champion, some say the best champion ever, Lewis makes Michael Schumacher look slower than Joe Biden before his afternoon siesta, and the British public would be making a YUGE mistake should they not vote for him.”

Could Lewis be claiming a victory from the jaws of defeat? Or a victory from the jaws of victory? It’s 2020 – who can predict it?

Don’t be a mug, buy one instead

So here you are, little more than a week away from Christmas, and you still haven’t bought all your gifts. No matter, you can buy our brilliant mugs from DirtyOldGoat.com. Browse our cool selection below…

The perfect indoor date night

The Editor
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The perfect indoor date night

With the weather being, well, very wintery now, and Covid-19 is still around causing its usual destruction to almost every part of our lives, not only do we deserve to spend some quality time with the people we love, but we also deserve it to be inside, where it is nice and warm, and there is the opportunity to relax just a little bit.

There is a good chance you have not had much time to spend free with your partner or friends, even if you live with them, but Christmas is very much the time for enjoying each other’s company and quality time, so with that in mind, put aside an evening you can all do (a challenge, we know) and prepare for the perfect indoor date night.

Snug up

Duvet tents are not just for kids; they are absolutely for adults who are tired (or not) of the real world, too – which is why your front room should become a pillow fortress. You are aiming for the feeling that you get when you first get into bed after a long day, but over your whole living room. So, get those duvets combined, accumulate all of the pillows and cushions in the house, and then create something spectacular for your date base.

Get entertained

While there is a good chance many of us would just be happy with the mere prospect of saying in a room-sized bed tent for the whole night as our idea of fun, there is a good chance you might want some entertainment too. Pick your favourite films together, decide on a theme for the night, or make a playlist together you can put on in the background when you chat. There is also a good opportunity here for some card games too!

Grub up

Is any date night complete without food? Absolutely not, and if you happen to be with your other half for the date evening, then why not prepare in advance? A Deliveroo Gift Card from https://www.giftsvouchers.co.uk/gift-cards/deliveroo would make the perfect thing to send to your date to get them excited about date night, especially if the way to their heart is through their stomach! For those who prefer to put an apron on, decide whether you will be cooking in preparation or together, but do not end up falling out about who does the dishes after!

A PowerPoint party

While many of us will almost definitely not equate PowerPoint with a date (we hope), this new trend will be sure to have you laughing your socks off. Perfect for doing with either a bunch of friends or your other half; a PowerPoint party is where a presentation is created on whatever you like and then presented to the room. It can be on the most random or obscure, niche things you love and will guarantee to be a fun, unique evening. What is even better is that for those who are isolating, they don’t have to miss out, as you can also do this socially distanced too!

HMS Belfast recommissioned to menace French fishermen

The Editor
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HMS Belfast recommissioned to menace French fishermen
HMS Belfast to patrol fishing
They won’t like it up ’em

Britain is bringing HMS Belfast back into service to keep the French out of our fishing waters.

Govt wants gunboat diplomacy to maintain our sovereignty after Brexit.

But he has discovered decades of defence cuts means we have no gunboats.

In a cunning plan, worthy of anything Baldrick came up with in Blackadder, the Prime Minister has ordered HMS Belfast, now a museum piece by Tower Bridge, back into service.

Decommissioned in 1963, the engine room is currently being updated and the 12 six-inch guns greased up in preparation for “giving the French the fright of their lives”.

“Macron’s fishing fleet is in for a shock if it thinks it can hoover up our marine life any more,” claimed a Downing Street insider.

“HMS Belfast will be patrolling our seas ready to blast any filthy feisty Frenchman out of the water.”

But the news has not gone down well in France.

Appropriately named French fisheries minister Madame Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper!

“I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”

Shopping trolley found at the North Pole

The Editor
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Shopping trolley found at the North Pole

supermarket trolley
They have been dumped in hedges, canals and gardens across the country – now a supermarket shopping trolley has been found abandoned at the NORTH POLE.

The Lidl trolley is believed to have been stuck in the polar ice and snow for four years.

But mystery surrounds how a lazy shopper got to dump the trolley at the North Pole because he or she was too lazy to take it back to the store.

The trolley, which has begun to sink slowly “nose-first” into the ice, now has the undisputed record for being dumped the furthest away from its shop.

Lidl says the trolley has been identified as originating from its store in Stowmarket, Suffolk and have demanded its return.

It was found at the North Pole by a team of polar explorers from Estonia, who contacted Lidl about their extraordinary find.

“We understand it is about 2,680 miles from Stowmarket to the North Pole, so this trolley has had quite a journey,” expedition leader Aleksander Salumäe said.

“We know people are lazy and can’t be bothered to return trolleys to the supermarket, but this was extraordinary.”

Mr Salumäe, 31, said his team only spotted the trolley because a fearsome polar bear was sniffing around it.

“We had to keep an eye on the bear because it looked hungry and we did not want to become its breakfast.

“Then we spotted the trolley! We hid behind an igloo and waited for the bear to go, then went to have a look. It had the Lidl logo on the bar, so we contacted their headquarters.”

Lidl bosses used the code stamped on the trolley to identify it as originating from the Suffolk store.

Spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We urge all our customers to return trolleys to our stores once they have finished unloading them.

“We have had them turn up in strange places before, but the North Pole is definitely the strangest.”

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