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Suffolk pub wards of ‘scummy’ parents this Christmas

The Editor
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Suffolk pub wards of ‘scummy’ parents this Christmas
Suffolk pub wards of ‘scummy’ parents this Christmas

A pub in West Suffolk has notified neglectful, ‘scummy’ patrons that their unattended children will be served energy drinks and encouraged to swear. And who can blame them?

What is worse than being in a pub on a Friday afternoon, getting hammered with your mates, than the sight of a snot-nosed kid, wandering around, spilling cheese & onion crisps all over the carpet, looking for its mummy so it can have a go on the fruit machine?

Just take them home FFS!

You had your chance. You were young – without kids. The whole world was your oyster, but you let down your guard, and now you have kids. Not our problem. Deal with it… preferably at home.

Scummy Parents

You made your bed, now lie in it – with your multiple annoying kids. Take them home and read them a bedtime story for once. Curl up with them, cuddle them and tell them as they, listen, spellbound, how their grandad was a hero in the Navy in the second world war. He wasn’t of course. He was a draft-dodging, alcoholic gambler who never did an honest day’s work in his life, but what the hell. Lying to kids is normal. We all do it. Take Santa Clause for example. As if! A big fat 60-year-old obsessed with sneaking into children’s bedrooms after dark to leave them presents? WTF? Who thought that up?

The soft play area is closed

So… keep your kids at home this Christmas instead of bringing them to the pub. Take them to the cinema to see Arthur Christmas III. We don’t want them – or you – in our grown-up boozers,  where we play darts, pool, and ‘guess the barmaid’s bra size’. We don’t want to see you struggling to heave your double pushchair over the hearth of the pub door, adorned with all its kiddie paraphernalia – rattles, comfort blankets, nappy bags and dropped soft toys, etc. We don’t want to wait behind you at the bar as you loudly and incompetently attempt to order chicken nuggets and chips for your eight kids with two Orange and Passion Fruit J2O’s, four Apple Fruit Shoots, one Coke, and a lemonade… FFS. Isn’t Mothercare still open?

Having said that…

We at the Suffolk Gazette, love children and would like to take this opportunity to wish each and every one of them a very, very merry Christmas!

Just not in our local.

NFN – Normal for Norfolk explained

The Editor
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NFN – Normal for Norfolk explained
NFN - Normal for Norfolk explained
NFN – Normal for Norfolk explained

We, at the Suffolk Gazette, love people from Norfolk! Even if they are all a bunch of inbreeds and dumbasses. After all, they make us look so much more normal. Because everything is Normal for Norfolk!

Turnipweeds

Although the SG would never promote such an outdated stereotype (much), ‘Normal for Norfolk’ is a commonly used term to refer to someone or something that is peculiar, weird, odd, or just plain retarded. It is based on the (probably) untrue perception, formulated and utilized by doctors and Social Services in Norfolk, that the county in the east of England is a hive of backward, small-minded, unsophisticated turnipweeds whose senses of culture, fashion, and art never surpassed that of Piltdown man.

NFN – Normal for Norfolk

In order to quickly summarize a patient’s condition as being relatively normal for someone from the farm-heavy county, Doctors record the letters ‘NFN’ against their personal details. The abbreviation also enables medical staff to share insults and ridicule their patients without being found out.

Plenty of Fish – in the next village.

But is there any truth to the allegation of widespread inbreeding and congenital medical disorders in Norfolk? Of course there is! Just look at a map of the UK. Notice how the towns and villages of Norfolk are much further apart than in other areas of the country. Before the invention of Baron Karl von Drais, Laufmaschine bicycle in 1817, unless they owned a horse and cart, most people could only shag as far as they could walk in daylight hours in a single day.

Hollywood rodent’s Roadmaster disaster

The Editor
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Hollywood rodent’s Roadmaster disaster
Hollywood rodent’s Roadmaster disaster
Hollywood rodent’s Roadmaster

A Hollywood rodent’s Roadmaster disaster has made headlines in Felixstowe, Suffolk.

A-List mouse, Stuart Little was brought down to earth with a bump when his 1953 Buick Roadmaster.Convertible was slapped with a £70 Fine for parking on a double yellow outside the Spa Pavillion in Felixstowe.

Packing vermin

Little, star of the Stuart Little franchise of hit movies, delighted local theatre-goers. when he agreed to appear as ‘Mouse in Boots’.in the ‘Little Dick Whittington’ panto showing at the Pavillion this winter season,.selling out the first 14 nights in under three hours.

Roadmaster problems

Unaware of local parking regulations, the tiny, furry heartthrob – voiced by my Michael J Fox in the movies.– rolled-up outside the theatre on first night in his classic convertible and parked wherever the hell he liked.

After a rip-roaring performance that earned the renowned rodent a 12-minute standing ovation,.the fatigued but happy mouse returned to his ride. It was only then that the full force of local parking services descended upon him to shatter his joyful mood.

His beloved remote-controlled Roadmaster valued at over $90 had been clamped – with a bulldog clip and a suitcase padlock. A notice to pay the fine and call for the release of the vehicle was affixed to the windscreen on a postage stamp.

Size isn’t everything

Being the charming celebrity mouse that he is, Mr Little joked about the unfortunate ‘welcome’ his car received in Felixstowe.at a press conference the following evening.

Asked why he didn’t see the double yellow lines emblazoned across his chosen parking space,.the comedic nose-twitcher elicited nervous gasps and uproarious laughter when he quipped “Because the markings were not much bigger than my cock!”

‘Little D*ck Whittington’ runs at the Spa Pavillion, Felixstowe until 13th January 2035.

Wilton Sampaio – Meet the new king of France!

The Editor
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Wilton Sampaio – Meet the new king of France!
Wilton Sampaio - Meet the new king of France!
Not the real king of France but Brazillian World Cup referee, Wilton Sampaio.

French President, Emmanuel Macron announced last night that France is to have a new king for the first time in 230 years, named: Wilton Sampaio

A republic since the abolition of the monarchy in 1792. France will see Brazillian World Cup referee, Wilton Sampaio crowned king on Sunday, December 18th December shortly after France are declared World Football Champions, after defeating Argentina in a close final, the score of which is yet to be agreed.

Wilton Sampaio – The King

Along with the usual perks of being King of France such as: living in the Palace of Versailles,.having control of the English Channel, and being the legal owner of all the cockerels in France, etc, comes a cash bonus of €1,000,000 paid in used notes in advance of the France V England quarterfinal match held last night in the Al Bayt Stadium, Qatar.

Wilton Sampaio officiated the match in which ‘Les Bleus’ came out worthy victors – if you measure success by cheating, that is.

The French committed 14 fouls to England’s 10, and were awarded 3 yellow cards to England’s 1. Although these stats do not include the other fifty-or-so French fouls that went unnoticed, including the one that led to France’s first goal, and the clear penalty that England captain, Harry Kane should have been awarded in the first half.

Meet the new King of France

Wilton Sampaio, accepted the honorary coronation in a secret meeting.that allegedly took place in the underground carpark of the Al Bayt stadium early last Saturday morning. Attending the alleged meeting were the referee, FIFA President, Gianni Infantino,.and the President of the French Football Federation, Noël Le Graët.

An investigative reporter working for the Suffolk Gazette witnessed the secret rendezvous. “Sampaio arrived first and went and stood in a shady alcove near the corner of the car park.

He was wearing sunglasses but I could tell it was him because he was wearing an official French football shirt.which appeared to have been autographed by the whole team.

Then the others arrived, also in sunglasses. It was clearly all very hush-hush, apart from the ‘La Marseillaise’.– the national anthem of France – which was blaring out from the Peugeot 5008 SUV that Le Graët arrived in. Infantino was clearly the go-between, carrying the holdall, the royal crown, and interpreting in French & Portuguese.

They exchanged the holdall and the crown, and after shaking hands, each quietly snuck way.”

Allakhazam!

It is a little-known fact that when away from his officiating duties, Wilton Sampaio (40) from Teresina de Goiás, Brazil, is an amateur magician! He often attends children’s parties entertaining them with his juggling, card tricks, and sleight of hand.

One of his most popular tricks is called ‘the disappearing red card’. Anyone watching Saturday’s match will have twice seen him practicing it during the game.

First, his red card magically disappeared each time Antoine Griezmann committed a second yellow card offence,.preventing the French midfielder from being sent off, and then most impressively, his red card again vanished into thin air when Theo Hernandez barged over England’s Mason Mount in the penalty area denying him a goal-scoring opportunity.

Pathetic hero ‘Super Sleeper’ nods off in pub urinal

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Pathetic hero ‘Super Sleeper’ nods off in pub urinal
Pathetic hero ‘Super Sleeper’ nods off in pub urinal
Student nods off in pub urinal

A pathetic superhero dubbed ‘Super Sleeper’ by fans, has been photographed taking a nap in a Suffolk pub urinal.

Dressed in heroic red & blue, colours usually associated with proper crime fighters like Superman,.Spiderman, and Wonder Woman, ‘Super Sleeper’ ended last Saturday night prostrate in the gents’ urine-filled trough.

The caped florist

Unlike, most other genuine superheroes, whose true identities are kept a closely guarded secret,.‘Super Sleeper’ is known to be 26-year-old Kevin Williamson from Woodbridge, Suffolk. Williamson, a student studying for a diploma in Basic Wedding Flowers at Suffolk Rural College in Otley, is known for his obsession with Marvel Heroes and DC Comics.

We spoke to several members of the college campus who know Williamson, one of whom, Betty Farmskill, told us “Yeah, Kev’s a bit of a twerp but a nice lad at heart. He was brought up around agriculture, by Farmer Williamson and his wife, up on the Williamson farm in Nacton. Oi think he got a bit bored with it all: the farm, the fruit and veg, even the flowers etc. and oi thinks he does the superhero thing because of that. Oi think its escapism is all.”

Asleep faster than a speeding bullet

When we asked Betty what was behind Williamson’s choice of the ‘Super Sleeper’ alter ego, she told us “He has narcolepsy. You know, that chronic neurological disorder that affects the brain’s ability to control sleep-wake cycles? He falls asleep anywhere. I once saw him fall asleep on a springboard board at Broomhill swimming pool,.and that was after he had bounced up and down a couple of times.”

The comfort of sleeping in Pub Urinal

This reporter decided he had to talk to the pathetic hero himself to really get to the heart of the story so we arranged, through Betty, to meet in a dark alley in Ipswich at midnight. When I arrived the alley was deserted, apart from a scurrying rat that darted between the bins beside me when it sensed my presence. The siren of a cop car pierced the cold night air, sending a chill down my already frozen spine. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the sound of feet landing on the rubbish-strewn tarmac behind me caused me to turn quickly. There, stood before me, like a young Wayne Sleep, was Williamson, in his impressive blue and red lycra leotard. “Super Sleeper!” I blurted out, awestruck at his gymnastic descent from a low roof overhanging the alley in which we now stood facing one another, watchfully. “Thanks for meeting me,” I said, reaching into my jacket pocket for my notebook. “Much crime out there, tonight?”

“Snore. Zzzzzzzz…” came the hero’s somnambulant reply.

Lost tribe of savages discovered in Suffolk

The Editor
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Lost tribe of savages discovered in Suffolk
Lost tribe of savages discovered in Suffolk
Lost tribe of savages discovered in Suffolk

A lost tribe of savages has been discovered in a remote part of Suffolk, after a light aircraft accidentally strayed over their hidden village.

Amateur pilot Graham Ruddle (77) from Little Blakenham, mid-Suffolk, took his husband, Paul out for a pleasure flight in his Piper PA-28 Cherokee aeroplane to celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary. If that wasn’t surprise enough, what they discovered on their short cruise around the surrounding area was absolutely astonishing!

Mile high club

Graham takes up the story; “Well, we’d only been up for about 15 minutes and, well, don’t tell the CAA but we’d had a couple of flutes of champers to celebrate our anniversary, and well… I had my hand wrapped tight around the joystick, snigger. I was pulling on it this way and that and all of a sudden we went into a sharp, unscheduled dive. More like a plummet really.”

Paul cut in “Didn’t we just! Snigger. Anyway, I grabbed Gray’s joystick and gave it a good, hard yank and some extra thrust until we levelled off a bit. I remember I was just wiping some froth off of my moustache when out of the window, I noticed, in a clearing in the woods, some people waving their arms up at us. I told Gray to circle around again.”

Graham: “So I did. As I began the roll, a fusillade of arrows came whooshing up past the windows. The thud, thud, thud coming from the undercarriage told us that we’d been hit, multiple times. The ‘arrow hit’ alert button started to flash red and the plane lost power.”

Paul: “I screamed at Gray… ‘Aaaaaah, Gray! We’re going to DIE! Gray! Gray! Do Something!’ So Gray handed me the champagne bottle and I took a massive swig. The yaw and roll of the plane made it spew out of my mouth and all over my face, but I’m used to that. Snigger.”

So what happened next?

Graham: “I eventually got control of the plane and we decided to circle around again to see what the hell was going on. As we approached the clearing, we could see some straw-covered mud huts with smoke billowing out, probably from the primitive clay ovens inside. There were a few goats and wild boar roaming around…”

Paul: “And some canoes, and a large fire in the centre of the clearing. All around were these primitive savages jumping up and down, pointing at us, and waving spears. It was like something out of Last of the Mohicans.”

Graham: “More arrows flew up at us, and we thought ‘f*ck this, let’s get out of here’, so I did a rather impressive outside loop, accelerated at speed and headed for home.”

Paul: “And what happened when we got home, Gray? Go on… tell him!”

Graham: “What, you mean?…”

Paul: “No, not that! That was later! Snigger. With Google Earth.”

Graham: “Oh, of course. So as soon as we’d gathered ourselves, we looked on Google Earth to see if we could figure out WTF was going on. I’d downloaded the telemetry from the plane’s black box so we could trace the precise location of the primitive village (tribe of savages).”

And where Tribe of savages was?

Graham: (Wait for it…) “Ipswich.”

Patients left like ‘builder tools’ in ambulances overnight

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Patients left like ‘builder tools’ in ambulances overnight
Patients left like 'builder tools’ in ambulances overnight

Hospitals were last night dubbed ‘like the homes of white van men’. by Labour MP and shadow Attorney General, Emily Thornberry,.as she alleged that patients were being left like ‘builder tools’ in ambulances overnight.

Class snob and property multi-millionaire, Thornberry (67), is an expert on white vans ever.since she started photographing them in Rochester, Kent during a 2014 by-election campaign. Her collection of white van photography is said to comprise over 6,000 images of white Ford Transits,.Vauxhall Combos, Mercedes-Benz Sprinters, and similar taken in mainly working-class areas across the UK.

Sliced cucumber

To meet their pledge to treat all patients within four hours of admission,.the government is said to be allowing hospitals to keep seriously ill patients in ambulances outside accident and emergency departments. Known as ‘patient stacking’, the practice can include patients who have swallowed balloons,.set their own hair on fire, or lost multiple limbs whilst slicing cucumber. Despite the four-hour pledge, a Suffolk Gazette investigation has revealed that waits can last for more than 1,000 hours.

Bougie Nugee

Socialist impersonator and private school mum, Thornberry, aka Lady Nugee (married to Lord Nugee as she is) last night announced from her passing gold carriage, that “Whereas hospitals used to be for poor folk like you lot, they are now being sold off by those horrid Tories to rich, entitled, elites like… me. This simply will not do. Ambulances, which I’m told are like cheaper versions of my golden carriage but with some medical stuff in them, are being used like the vans of white men, to store tools overnight. I mean patients.”

Patients to stay in ambulances overnight

Thornberry continued her announcement through the window of her golden coach, as it sped through a working-class part of Islington, on its way to the opera house, knocking over some hungry street children as it careered on two wheels around Highbury Corner. “As I said, hospitals are now like the homes of white van men, and ambulances are like the vans of the white van man. This is the fault of the Conservatives. I hereby decree that I, Lady Nugee, shall continue to work closely with, and photograph, the white van families of Kent, Suffolk, and other remote parts of the UK, until no patient is ever again left waiting in a white van outside a white van man’s house… or hospital. Coachman! La bohème, tout de suite!”

English ‘Crusaders’ banned from the World Cup

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English ‘Crusaders’ banned from the World Cup
English ‘Crusaders’ banned from the World Cup
English ‘Crusaders’ banned from the football World Cup stadium

Football fans dressed as ‘Crusaders’ have been banned from England’s World Cup quarter-final showdown with France.

December 10th’s meeting of the two old enemies brought memories of the 1415 Battle of Agincourt flooding back. The battle, which brought victory to Henry V’s English Crusaders Army,.took place 607 years ago, around the same time England last won the world cup.

“Cry  God for Harry, England, and Saint George!’’ goes Henry V’s rallying cry in Shakespeare’s eponymous play of 1598. Which tells the story of the great victory over the French. After removing the reference to Harry (Sorry Meghan), the rest of Henry’s roaring speech still holds true. Especially for fans going to all the time and expense of travelling to Qatar dressed as invading English soldiers.

It’s called fun

The English are, of course, known for causing offence to anyone and everyone,. usually without even knowing they are doing it. It is highly unlikely for example, that the handful of fat, English plumbers, posties,.and other assorted white van men, who have sat at home with their WAGS putting together their ‘fancy soldier’s dress’ out of old bedsheets, corrugated cardboard, and Bacofoil, have any enmity towards the French, the Qataris, or any other race of people. It’s just that supporting your national football team at the World Cup is supposed to be fun.

Take for example the Senagalese, whom England played in the last 16 of the tournament. Their fans impressively played an orchestra of warring Djembe drums from the first minute of the match to the last, led by one gentleman dressed as a tribal warrior who seemingly would be more than capable of tearing off the head of an Englishman before he could say “Come on old boy, this is all just a storm in a teacup!”

Surely, no offence should be taken where none is intended? The World Cup is a football festival of colour, noise and excitement – and fancy dress for all!

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