Council tax axe for second happiest town in England
A study conducted by a committee of far less happy people, has revealed that Babergh District, made up of the towns of Sudbury and Hadleigh, as well as villages such as Lavenham and Long Melford is one of the happiest towns in England.
Bewilderingly, boring old ‘low carbon emission levels’ in the area, are cited as one of the reasons for the inhabitants’ permanent state of bliss.
Other factors taken into account by the study were, personal well-being, life expectancy, earnings, inequality, crime, deprivation, and access to health services. No mention of sex, drugs, or rock’n’roll at all. Weird!
Happiest Town in England, No Wonder
And if that list of exhilarating, life-affirming lifestyle choices wasn’t enough, some households in Babergh and Mid Suffolk could see their council tax bills REDUCED TO ZERO next year! No wonder they are happiest towns in England.
Smug People of Babergh
While the rest of us are struggling to pay fuel bills and feed our pet tortoises. Carting wheelbarrows full of cash to the supermarkets to buy a single tube of lip balm.
Watching our savings disappear as our mortgages skyrocket.
Selling our bodies on the sleazy sidewalks of Ipswich’s red-light district (well, how else I am supposed to pay for my Netflix subscription?), the spoiled, joyous, and smug people of Babergh.
Second happiest town in England – is living the life of Riley as they laugh in our faces and piss on us from the great heights of their ivory thatched cottages and windmills and towers – which the rest of us are paying for.
Towel Please
Wiping piss from his envious face, this reporter says… “Cheers Babergh! Good luck to you all!”
Britain & India in ‘Kohinoor Diamond’ Dispute after Queen passed away.
Great Britain (Brittania rules the waves) and not-so-great India are embroiled in a dispute over ownership of some valuable stuff (Kohinoor diamond) that was exchanged between the two countries over 170 years ago. When transportation by elephant was the most popular means of travel.
At the centre of the disagreement is the infamous Indian/British ‘Kohinoor diamond’ – the dazzling 105-carat oval-shaped diamond set in ‘The Queen Mother’s Crown’ which forms part of the crown jewels of the royal house of Windsor.
Lies over Kohinoor Diamond
The sizzling stone – which is valued at around $591 million – is believed to date back to somewhere between the 12th and 14th centuries and was undisputedly discovered somewhere in India – probably by an Indian.
The Indian Government claims Britain stole it (rude) but we say they are liars, citing a peace deal signed between Emperor Singh and the Brits in 1858. A copy of the forged document has been released by the foreign office….
“Clause 3: The massive, spangly gem called the Kohinoor Diamond … shall be surrendered by the naive child Maharajah of Lahore to the all-powerful and heavily-armed Queen of England.”
He’s Got a Point!
Hitting back at the Indians’ ‘unreasonable claim’, a F.O. source told this reporter that H.M. government has lodged a counterclaim with the Indian Government, before adding, with a long sigh of incredulity “Fine.
They can have Kohinoor Diamond back… just as soon as they return the railways we built for them during the Raj.
They can also reimburse us for the technological developments in irrigation and the production of indigo, tea, coffee and silk, etc.
which we bestowed upon them for free around the same time. Then, there’s the introduction of 30 miles of telegraph in 1851 – our doing, and the assembly of their export infrastructure which they are still benefitting from today…”
Peeved But Warming
Warming to his subject, the peeved functionary went on… “And that’s just the material stuff. In the cause of humanity, we improved education for boys and girls, and dismantled the prevailing system of knowledge based on superstition.
Our presence brought about the abolition of sati (ritual sacrifice) and infanticide and destroyed the gangs and thugs that were a menace to peaceful Indian society.
Then there’s the small, but not insignificant matters of promoting freedom of the Indian press and the enhancement of security of life and property in a previously lawless society. We also introduced a law permitting the remarriage of Hindu widows. Need I go on?”
We want you to decide! Shall we give OUR Kohinoor Diamond back to the ungrateful Indians without getting OUR stuff back first?
Narendra Modi – PM of India, and his love for the Queen
Prime Minister of India, Narendra Modi was a die hard fan of our beloved Late Queen. He followed our Queen’s ways of ruling an empire but unfortunately couldn’t adopt the British accent.
Zoom, and then my heart went Boom
According to a new book by QE2’s dressmaker, Lorraine Fisher -34, Narendra Modi, Prime Minister of India, and her late maj (of whom Narendra was a long-standing friend) are known to have shared similar tastes in regal coutur
It is believed, that the two of them would often shop together over zoom to coordinate their outfits.
Narendra Modi & Britain
The book ‘Blame Me – Confessions of Queen Elizabeth’s Dressmaker’ – tipped to be a bestseller. Reveals the extraordinary story of two very different states people, sharing a love of elegant, grandmotherly unisex tailored garments – across borders.
New keeper of Queen’s wardrobe:
The Princess of Wales, Kate Middleton is set to become the beneficiary of late Queen Elizabeth’s wardrobe. Not her actual wardrobe, but the clothes in it.
For someone known for her beauty, style, and modern, easy sense of fashion, this may sound more like a curse than a blessing.
However, the news has caused extreme disappointment to one particular world statesman who greatly admired the late queen’s frumpy-dumpy style of dress.
Palid Pallette
Colours favoured by the two costumiered kindred spirits included: ‘elegant eggshell’, ‘regal rust’, ‘end of an empire blue’, and ‘archduke orange’.
Friends of H.R.H. Middleton report that her initial response to the news of the unbefitting bequeathment was ‘thanks, but no thanks… but one is quite interested in the jewels.’ Queen consort, King-Kong-Camilla-Parker-Windsor-Bowles is also thought to have been relieved at the news… which really is saying something.
Possible Etymological Accuracy?
A spokesman for P.M. Narendra Modi told this reporter “It is very true. Modi is considered a person of high fashion taste in our country. The Gujurati word ‘Modi’ actually means ‘Fashion’ – a bit like the French ‘Depeche Mode’ – ‘fashion news’ – not the band from Basildon in England with the lead singer called Dave Gahan who, despite having an Indian-sounding surname, is actually of Malaysian / English descent.”
Utter Rubbish
According to an article in the Hindustan Times, household waste originating in the UK is being shipped to and dumped at various sites across India, in particular, a rubbish mound in Tamil Nadu, a region in Southern India.
The Suffolk Gazette has advised the office of the Indian P.M. to look out for imminent deliveries from Kensington Palace, UK.
A rare Ford Transit-sexual tesla service van has been spotted near Ipswich.
From our Identity Politics & Motoring correspondent, Belinda Flange
Like to try out the new iPhone 14 brought to you by Samsung? How about a new Nintendo PlayStation 6 for little Tommy’s Xmas present? Or what about Pepsi’s new ‘Orangey Coke’ – not the real thing?
It’s not going to happen, is it? Or is it?
Gary Faggerley from Washbrook nr. Ipswich in Suffolk didn’t think so until he spotted a FORD TRANSIT CONNECT disguised as TESLA SERVICE VAN tonning it down the A14!
Is Brexit behind Tesla service van mutation?
“I’m a white van man and drive a Ford Connect myself. WTF? They run on EcoBoost petrol or EcoBlue diesel engines FFS” texted Mr. Faggerley to the Suffolk Gazette as he was driving down the fast lane on his way to work. “I mean, it’s like the people who make Quorn holding their Christmas party at a Mongolian Buffet or the Labour Party trying to get elected on the votes of people who voted for Brexit – i.e. completely disingenuous and undermining everything they pretend to believe in.”
What van driver had to say?
His text message continued “I’m late for pork and I’m drving aand eeeting a mccDonuts Sosge Mclmuffmuff so my spelking my bot be prfext. Anyeay, when I sawz the Fyord/Tisla, I cud see the Tsla skin Peelingg off arounfd the wheel archrs. Itcwaasa was loike sumwun at Titla had kwixkly stuc it on bfrir goin to thir next jobbl. Wankers.”
That was the last we heard from Mr. Faggerley before reports of a multiple vehicle pile-up on the A14 started coming in to our news desk.
The Suffolk Gazette has been inundated with readers’ letters and emails detailing how Royal Mail posties have been ‘P’ing on their letters prior to delivery.
The ‘P’ing takes the form of unusual scribbled designs in the shape of a ‘P’, usually scrawled in biro, sometimes enclosed within a hastily-drawn, imperfect circle – also in pen.
Bob’s on his last legs
Lorraine Fisher – 34, a patternmaker from the historic village of Ampton, W.Suffolk told us “We are a tiny community, 171 of us… although, having said that, Diane’s husband, Bob is on his last legs so soon to be 170.
Anyhow, couple of days ago I received a card from my sister. Pretty yellow envelope – for my birthday. Big, bloody ‘orrible ‘P’ scrawled across the front, half-covering my name. Bloody cheek.”
Pervas Patel from Cliff Lane (originally India), Ipswich wrote “So the bloody bas***d pushed the letter thing through the letterbox, big ‘P’ on it!”
Trainee pesticide-control inspector, Patrick Price from Newmarket emailed “The ‘P’ was written in blue biro. I think the pen used by posties was probably running dry because whoever had written it had gone over the ‘P’ three or four times and had clearly put a lot of pressure on the nib. The paperwork inside the envelope was indented.”
Posties also have No Idea
But what does the ‘P’ denote (W.K. ‘stand for’)? We asked the Royal Mail Centre in Ipswich. Three months later we received their reply. “Dear Suffolk Gazette, No idea what the ‘P’ is. Yours Sincerely, The Manager, RM Ipswich”
Other baffled readers contacting us with similar stories included: picture framer, Paul Partlow, pipe stripper, Prav Patel, pleating-machine operator, Peter Pearson, podiatrist, Pippa Perkins, poultry inseminator, and Penelope Price, pretzel twister.
As yet, no-one has been able to figure out the meaning behind the ‘P’ing.
Any ideas? Please email your suggestions to editor@suffolkgazette.com
Could football clubs capitalise on the growth of online casinos?
Online casino gaming has grown massively in popularity over the past few years and is particularly appealing to us sports fans as many sports betting apps contain casino games within the same app. Many sports fans, therefore, stumble across casino gaming, but perhaps the industry could be grown further and football clubs could filter some of the revenue their way.
Globalization
With casino gaming already being popular with many football fans, the audience could grow even further if the games had a face or a brand to advertise them. There are many different types of casino games including blackjack and roulette, with betuk.com/live-casino being a prime example of a prolific brand with a staggering platform. As a reputable brand establishment, home to a plethora of live casino games, many of which are inspired by current affairs in the sporting world, players are up for a chance at winning an increased amount of cash. For example, football club-themed online games could attract a large audience, with big football teams being marketed as a brand, rather than just sporting teams.
The likes of Liverpool FC and Manchester United rake in the largest revenue from merchandise sales amounting to hundreds of millions of pounds yearly; huge revenue streams are possible simply because the clubs’ brands are so marketable. This is hugely different to a few decades ago, but slowly the game has become more and more of a business and waddled away from its working-class roots.
Merging a successful brand with a fast-growing industry of casino gaming would almost guarantee further growth – more people would be playing the games and the revenue produced would continue to increase. And with football being the world’s most popular sport, footballing brands are some of the biggest in the world even individual players have created reputable brands, for example, Cristiano Ronaldo’s ‘CR7’ brand.
The PSG Jordan brand is incredibly popular and worn by people who might not necessarily be fans of the club which demonstrates the power of marketing when it comes to football clubs.
With rumors from soccerbible.com of the Jordan brand ending its exclusive agreement with the Parisian club and potentially signing contracts with new clubs, some of Europe’s big clubs could see their brands grow even further, making them even more valuable to potential sponsors.
Football clubs are also set up to have multiple streams of internal advertising available – major clubs could advertise their own online casino game via their own TV Channel and their site which undoubtedly receives huge quantities of traffic. The partnerships alone that clubs would be able to form with the apps that host online casino games would be hugely beneficial, an extra revenue stream could be created for a club, which would be vital due to the strictness of financial fair play premierleague.com/news.
The sites that host the games would also be massively benefited with football fans being a large audience, as well as footballing brands often trending to the point that fans of other teams or people who are not fans of football at all will be attracted by the brand. Overall many major football clubs have grown as brands to the point they are far more recognizable than some mainstream brands in current times; FC Barcelona, Bayern Munich, and many other hugely successful clubs have crests that are known well by all people, not just football fans.
FC Bayern Munich has unveiled "FC Bayern World."
The 37,673-square-foot brand experience store extends over seven floors and includes the FC Bayern Flagship store, two restaurants and a boutique hotel with 30 rooms. pic.twitter.com/dl6VY4nQOn
Allowing already successful and popular brands to be the face of online casinos could only be beneficial, and would likely create a huge new audience that would play the games.
One of the best ways to achieve increased care home move-ins is through the way you structure and execute your marketing, to better engage with prospective residents and their families.
Therefore, it’s equally as important to include effective marketing analytics tools such as call tracking, which offers data that can further boost engagement across each of your marketing channels.
Throughout this article, you’ll learn what call tracking for your care home is, and how it can significantly boost your move-ins.
What is call tracking?
Call tracking is an excellent business software that provides expert analytics on calls from prospective residents , as well as giving an in-depth overview of their engagement throughout your marketing.
The software uses a wide range of detailed call metrics to retrieve extensive data on every prospect’s call. Amongst this data, you can expect things such as the length of each call, the duration of the ring, and the full number and area code of the caller.
Also, with your software you’ll receive thorough insights and reports on various aspects of prospect engagement throughout your care home marketing. You can then use this data to create journey maps.
These maps will help outline the specific journeys that each visitor took through your care home marketing, showing every touchpoint they visited before, during, and after a call.
This data is essential for giving you a far-reaching and complete overview of your marketing performance, seeing which areas are best at generating increased leads and move-ins for your care home.
How can call tracking boost move-ins for your care home?
Call tracking can significantly boost the number of move-ins for your care home in a variety of ways, which include:
– Enhanced marketing content
Call tracking software can help you enhance the content produced in your marketing campaigns, so it’s tailored to what your prospects engage with most.
Using the detailed reports and insights from the software, you’ll be able to see exactly which marketing campaigns and messages are generating the most leads and move-ins, funnelling prospects through the touchpoints.
With this information, you can begin to devise future campaign content that’s based off the content in your already successful campaigns.
For example, your data might help reveal that prospects are engaging more with campaigns centred around the quality of care your staff provide.
You can then focus on creating campaigns with messaging that highlights qualities, such as how professional, caring and qualified your staff are, as this is more likely to draw in and persuade prospective residents and their families.
This will ensure a vast range of engaging content across all your marketing campaigns, and therefore, a higher chance of more move-ins.
– Easily identified leads
Another way call tracking can increase your care home move-ins is through its ability to easily identify valuable leads, and where they are being generated from.
With your customer journey maps – created using data from your call tracking reports – you’ll be able to see where most of your leads are being generated, and which of those leads eventually converted to a move-in.
You might find, for instance, that the majority of leads generated from a specific marketing channel, such as your Google Business profile, are more likely to call and then convert to a move-in.
Hence, prospects visiting through this marketing channel would be considered as your care home’s most valuable leads.
In response, you can focus more of your marketing efforts on your most effective channels, trying to analyse what about them is so successful at generating valuable leads, so you can potentially develop this even further – thus increasing even more move-ins.
Also, you could consider taking the elements you find in these specific channels and replicating them in others, so you have a vast number of valuable leads being generated across all your channels, significantly increasing your occupancy.
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As you can clearly see, the best way to give your care home marketing the fresh boost it needs, and drastically increase your move-ins, is to make sure you incorporate your own call tracking software now.
If you’re new to crypto betting, before you place any bets, it’s best to follow some helpful tips. It’s no surprise that cryptocurrency found its place in the gambling industry. It is a digital currency without physical form, and nobody controls it. In addition, your personal information is anonymous, safe, and secure when you’re using crypto as a payment method. Also, transaction fees are lower when compared to banks. With crypto, your money and identity are safe and protected. So, before you start betting, here are 4 crypto betting tips for beginners that will help you make the most of your money.
1. Find a Trustworthy Betting Website
The first and most important thing is to find a trustworthy website that accepts crypto. Take your time and do your research to find the top crypto sports betting sites. Make sure to find a licensed sportsbook, like FortuneJack, Stake, and many more! Choose a sportsbook that offers welcome bonuses, which you can use and take advantage of as a new player. Don’t forget to check what cryptocurrencies they accept, too. The most common ones are BTC, BCH, and ETH, but you can find LTC, DOGE, ZCASH, TRX, DASH, and XMR. Also, make sure the website has many different games, so you can always have options to choose from. After all, one game can become boring after a while.
2. Learn all about how crypto betting works
To be successful at crypto betting, you need to know how online gambling works. Once you found a safe betting website, you need to make an account. It’s simple, provide your username, password, and email to register. Then, connect your wallet to your account so you can use your crypto, like Ethereum or Bitcoin. Just make sure that the currency you’re depositing has to be the same as your wallet address. For example, if you want to add 0.05 BTC, you need to do it from your BTC wallet.
Once you’ve earned and won the betting, you can withdraw and manually add the address where you want to send funds. Depending on the amount and on the website, it can take up to 20 minutes for the process to be completed. However, some websites take a couple of days to withdraw, so it’s best to avoid them since prices may change.
3. Learn about successful strategies
Depending on your goal, there are many different crypto betting strategies. One of the most known ones is to always bet on the underdog. This strategy can be successful if you find value in the odds. Another option is to do square betting, which is popular among beginners. Square betting is betting based on your emotions, however, it’s not good for the long run.
If you have a good understanding of how two teams are to perform, then you can bet on totals, which is over or under. Another common successful betting strategy is looking for bets where the odds don’t have the true probability of the outcome. This betting strategy is great if you can find the edge over the bookmakers. If you want to make a profit where it doesn’t matter which player wins, then you can try a hedging strategy. Both players bet on the underdog and the favorite in different ways. However, keep in mind that win is not guaranteed, no matter what strategy you end up using. Try to minimize the risk of losing and maximize your profits.
4. Be Realistic
It’s important to remember that even the most successful players can make mistakes. So, before you make any bets, learn all you can about crypto betting to avoid any unpleasant occurrences. If you’re new to the gambling world, it’s safe to start by placing small bets and setting realistic goals. It’s essential to keep your bankroll in control and make reasonable wagers. Even if you won several times, keep your feet on the ground and make smart decisions.
