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Energy Crisis – Britain battles to keep the lights on

The Editor
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Energy Crisis – Britain battles to keep the lights on
Energy Crisis - Britain battles to keep the lights on

Britain – the fifth richest country in the world, and undoubtedly the greatest nation on Earth (in the 19th century) is facing ‘Energy Crisis’ a life and death struggle just to KEEP THE LIGHTS ON.

That is the stark warning issued by the National Grid today as fears of The Russian Revolutionary Army of Soviet Republics (N.A.S.A.) cutting off gas supplies to the UK heightened.

Energy Crisis

Britain has suffered blackouts several times in the past, most memorably in the 1970s when PM Edward Heath introduced the three-day week to reduce industrial energy consumption.

Today, however, with squint-eyed Russian despot, Vlad the Impaler threatening to pull the plug on Britain’s gas supply, playing the xylophone for three days a week will simply not be enough to keep the home fires burning.

Gas Powered Electric Lights

Confusingly, the vast majority of lights in the UK – including nightlights, torches, fairy lights, and Belisha beacons are powered not by gas, but by electricity. Quite why a shortage of gas, therefore, should cause our lights to go out (Energy Crisis) is anyone’s guess.

Energy Crisis - Britain battles to keep the lights on

Never-Ending Circle of Toil

Allegedly (wait to see the small print), customers will (might) be given money back on their bills if they help prevent blackouts by reducing peak usage.

Hardworking Britons consume a fifth of their daily energy between 4pm and 7pm, whilst doing chores after work when they should rightly be resting.  However, silly bosses at the National Grid are recommending that rather than sleep at night like them, lowly workers should continue to toil THROUGH THE NIGHT charging their mobile phones or washing their work rags in preparation for yet more drudgery the following day.

Plunged Into Undarkness

One Suffolk entrepreneur has caught the mood of the times by opening an all-night tanning salon cum launderette cum amusement arcade cum lighthouse.

Bright spark Barry Gladwell, 52 from the seldom-visited coastal wasteland of Walberswick, came up with the idea of opening Baz’s Amusing all-night, Lights’N’more Tan-and-Washarama after hearing about the blackout warnings.

“I came up with the idea after hearing the blackout warnings” he told this reporter. “I managed to get hold of an inflatable lighthouse that was going cheap on Marketplace.

The previous owner, Cap’n Birdseye, couldn’t use it anymore because it kept deflating every time he put the grill on to cook fish fingers.

Back to the 1970s

“So I had the lighthouse. Then I thought… what would go with a lighthouse that uses up lots of electricity? An amusement arcade of course! So I started collecting unwanted amusements from arcades down in Felixstowe and up there in Lowestoft.

The Bay City Rollers and Fonzie ones are pretty cheap these days. Then I thought, what else? Tanning beds! Loadsa electricity goes into them… perfect! And you can wash your clothes while your tanning like that fella from the Levis advert! Anyway, I’m open all night so come along. You can’t miss us. We’re generating 1.5 gigawatts of Russian leccy. That’s more than got Marty McFly back to the future! ”

Honey Monster ‘addicted to Sugar Puffs’ spotted at GP

The Editor
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Honey Monster ‘addicted to Sugar Puffs’ spotted at GP

Concern was growing for Honey Monster last night after he was spotted waiting (for hours) at his local GP surgery in Felixstowe – the Suffolk seaside town where he spends his time being ill in a rented caravan.

Insiders at Quaker – the famous food company / religious sect often confused with the Amish (who do not as far as we know produce breakfast cereals) – say that their famous non-species specific, yeti-like icon is suffering from high blood pressure, heart disease, osteoporosis, stomach cancer, kidney disease, and renal stones. He is also clearly obese and at high risk of stroke.

You’re Gonna Have to Face it You’re Addicted to Sugar, Doctors told

The cause of this horrific smorgasbord of illnesses is reported to be…wait for it… Monster’s 35-year addiction to Sugar Puffs (a.k.a. ‘Honey Monster Puffs’), the cereal judged to be ‘worst cereal overall’ by a health study of 25 comparable breakfast cereals*.

With previous recipes containing 48.8g of fat and 610 calories per 100g, high saturated fat, high sugar count, and the highest salt content out of the 25 other cereals tested, Sugar Puffs less closely resemble delicious little healthy puffs of breakfasty goodness than they do Honey Monster’s droppings.

Conceding their shocking historic nutritional statistics, Quaker had to consider rebranding their iconic cereal – first introduced to US breakfast bars in 1957 – ‘Salt Puffs.’

You ain’t nothing but a Honey Monster

The health of the badly groomed breakfast freak or ‘Honey’ as he prefers to be called, has been called into question a number of times recently and his demise has been likened to that of Burger-binging, amphetamine-guzzling, King of Rock, Elvis Presley who died in 1977 in similar circumstances.

Close friends of Honey – celebrity Rice Crispy elves Snap, Crackle & Pop – told the Suffolk Gazette about the sad lifestyle of their ailing buddy.

Crackle: “When Honey was not on set, filming ads, he became bored and when he became bored he ate Puffs. LOTS of Puffs.”

“I mean the thing was limited, he could be in the middle of a crowd and he could be lonely,” added Snap.

Pop revealed the torment at the centre of the hairy thingamybob’s life “He was one of the loneliest monsters I’ve ever, ever seen in my life. We tried to be with him and protect him and keep him happy as best we could. I swear to God we did, man.”

The three elves agreed that it was impossible for them to stop him from overdosing on Sugar Puffs. “How do you protect a Puff Monster from himself?” they asked, dejectedly.

We also contacted the Coco Pops monkey for comment. He replied, sadly “I think in many ways Honey is a tormented yeti. I think he is a victim of himself, his image, and the legend that surrounds him.”

Do you prefer the old, ‘unhealthy but tasty’ Sugar Puffs, favoured by sticky children in the 1970s, or the NEW, healthier ‘floating-cardboard’ Honey Monster Puffs which have virtually no sugar or honey content yet are still more expensive to buy? Tell Us!

US Rapper 50 Cent rebrands as 1 Pound in Britain

The Editor
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US Rapper 50 Cent rebrands as 1 Pound in Britain
US Rapper 50 Cent rebrands as 1 Pound in Britain

Half-priced American Rapper 50 Cent – famous for being shot when he was 12 – today announced that wishes to be known in the UK as ‘1 Pound’.

This astonishing move, which has sent a small ripple through the entertainment world, is presumably connected to the recent fall in the value of UK currency, Sterling.

Rapper 50 Cent

Curtis James Jackson III, who at nine years old sold crack cocaine during playtime at school, broke into the music scene in the early 1990s with a generic rap song that few can remember the title of.

His paltry name was inspired by 1980s Brooklyn street robber, Kevin Martin, who was also known as Rapper 50 Cent.

Jackson said he chose the name because “I’m the same kind of person Rapper 50 Cent was. I provide for myself by any means.” How nice.

Summary of Embroilments

The controversial rapper who, by his own admission, used to bring guns and drug money to school… to school… has, throughout his ‘glittering’ career been embroiled in endless anti-social disturbances, criminal incidents, and bitter personal feuds.

There are too many to list here but in summary it can be said that rap idol, Jackson – who is reputed to have amassed a $40 million fortune – is a drug-dealing gun-runner, vandal, and identity thief, implicated in multiple cases of arson, domestic abuse, and the cruel baiting of a partially deaf autistic boy.

Who says crime doesn’t pay?

Aside from his measly name, Role model, ‘Fiddy’ (‘Quid’ in the UK) has, in the past, displayed other interest in other financial and economic matters. In 2020, he endorsed Donald Trump’s election campaign due to his ‘dislike of Joe Biden’s tax plans.’ Not at all greedy then.

Despite the UK Pound’s recent rocky ride, some economists believe that the successful implementation of Kwasi Kwarteng’s policies for growth in the UK may result in an upturn in the value of Britain’s battered currency.

Should these predictions prove accurate, be prepared for more name changes from the delightful gangsta rapper… ‘Nickel’, ‘Tuppence Ha’Penny’, ‘Lady Godiva’ or plain old ‘Bob’ are all good bets.

How to cope with depression: 6 things to try

The Editor
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How to cope with depression: 6 things to try
How to cope with depression: 6 things to try

Depression is tough to deal with, especially when you find yourself alone, tired, and in a poor mood. Visiting a doctor is a priority in managing this condition in the long run. But are there things you can do to cope with depression?

The answer is yes, and even small changes could make big differences. Here are the things to try to feel better when feeling depressed!

1. Understand You Only Feel That Way at This Moment

The first step is to recognize that thoughts and emotions change in seconds, minutes, or days. Perhaps you slept in today and haven’t reached the set goals, but you’ll have a new opportunity to do better tomorrow.

It helps to focus on good things that’ll happen in the future. Is there a new episode of the show you like on TV this evening? Is your sports team playing tonight, or do you plan to get together with friends? Focus on those events and think about how you can use the time until they begin.

2. Grab a CBD Gummy

Cannabidiol (CBD) is an active component found in the cannabis plant. The major difference compared to THC is that CBD doesn’t have psychoactive characteristics. So, you go for a CBD cannabis product without THC, and there’s no chance of getting high.

CBD is famous for its benefits in relieving stress, anxiety, and pain. It can assist in managing depression symptoms. And the best part is it comes in many forms. You can consume tinctures, vapes, edibles, etc. Gummies are perfect to use on the go and from any location. According to the JustCBD gummies review, the generous CBD quantity ensures that even a single candy could relieve stress and anxiety.

3. Look for Support from Others

It’s impossible to cope with depression without the help of loved ones. Those could be your partners, family members, and friends. The important thing is to build a social network for support. If you feel down, contact someone from the group. 

You can share your thoughts or talk about other topics to feel better. If it’s possible, grab a coffee together. Spending time with others in social environments is an excellent method to combat loneliness, which is among common depression symptoms.

4. Build a Sleeping Routine

Depressed people often have problems falling asleep at night but also waking up in the morning. Sleep hygiene is important, and following your circadian rhythm can help you cope with depression.

The idea is simple – head to bed before midnight and wake up as close to dawn as possible. You need to get at least seven hours of sleep at night. Establish a schedule of sleeping hours and build a bedtime routine.

Your bedtime routine should include:

  • Relaxing with your favorite activities. It could be a book that makes you feel well, listening to music, etc.
  • Stay away from screens. You don’t need TVs or phones – they’ll only distract your body and mind from getting into resting mode.
  • Try breathing exercises or meditation. Some find these great to relax, along with stretching exercises.
  • Take a warm bath. Apart from having a soothing effect, it’ll drop your overall body temperature to help you enter resting mode.

5. Deal with Procrastination

Procrastination often follows depression since you don’t feel the desire to do anything. But it’s a vicious circle since not doing anything increases your stress and guilt that you haven’t handled promised tasks.

If you feel depressed, consider setting small short-term goals. Don’t expect too much from yourself that day, and be happy you finished one or two tasks. But also, set up goals that’ll make you happy. Make it a task to play your favorite game for two hours or do anything that would make you feel better. The important thing is to get active instead of lying down in your bed with negative thoughts.

6. Physical Activity Is a Great Way to Deal with Stress

Getting active is the way to manage stress, so how about making the most of it? Regular physical activity will increase your endorphin levels. Many refer to endorphins as “feel-good” chemicals since these hormones boost your mood.

The chosen exercise should fit your physical condition and style. If you enjoy long runs, go for it. But if you prefer swimming or cycling, pick that as your regular physical activity. Even a simple walk in the park would do, but make sure it lasts at least 30 minutes.

Final Thoughts

The statistics aren’t encouraging as they say 3.8% of the worldwide population is dealing with depression. Coping isn’t easy, but the above-mentioned mechanisms could help you feel better.

Exercising, doing things you love, and spending time with people you like are all go-to activities when depressed. Adjust your daily schedule and lifestyle to include these activities regularly. It’ll empower you to deal with this condition and feel better in the long run, which is the ultimate goal!

Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine

The Editor
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Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine
Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine
Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine

They say if you want a wall built, hire a builder, and if you want to successfully prosecute a legal case, hire a lawyer. It’s no surprise therefore that when TV bosses wanted a show devoted to the abuse of vast quantities of cocaine, they turned to ‘telly addict’, Gordon Ramsay called Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine.

Keep It Off

The ‘new’ TV show, which is nothing like ‘Ross Kemp on Gangs’ stars Ramsay called: Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine and is produced by… wait for it… Studio Ramsay (How did he get the job? Hmmm?).

The production company says of the ground-retreading series (so, essentially Gordon talking about himself) “Gordon Ramsay travels to South and Central America to discover where the cocaine comes from and how it gets back to the United Kingdom.

While back in the in the U.K. he learns what is being done to try to keep it off the streets.”

He clearly has a special interest.

Popular With TV Celebrities

As one of the most addictive drugs of all, cocaine (popular with TV celebrities that’s why Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine) weakens a person’s ability to control dosage and frequency of use. While each person’s body may react differently, 10 common side effects of cocaine abuse are:

– PHYSICAL CHANGES – Dilated pupils, increased heart rate, body temperature rises, face reddens. Remind you of anyone?

– ADVERSE REACTIONS – Muscle twitches, tremors, agitated appearance. Remind you of anyone?

– VIOLENT BEHAVIOR – Violent, erratic, and oftentimes bizarre behavior. Remind you of anyone?DIGESTIVE PROBLEMS – Causing one to have a special interest in food and diet. Remind you of anyone?

– BINGE PATTERNS – As tolerance levels tend to rise quickly, each successive dosage /need to appear on TV/ego trip, grows larger and larger. Remind you of anyone?

– SENSITIZATION – A person may start to experience a distorted sense of balance whenever using cocaine. Remind you of anyone?

– PSYCHOLOGICAL DISTRESS – With continued use, a person’s psychological health becomes compromised to the point where he or she experiences feelings of paranoia, fury, and extreme dissatisfaction with the efforts and accomplishments of others.

Remind you of anyone? PSYCHOSIS – As brain functions deteriorate from ongoing cocaine use, a person may start to develop psychotic symptoms, such as believing one is working in a kitchen run by the Devil, and generally losing touch with reality.

Remind you of anyone? DEPRESSION – After so many weeks or months of using, brain chemical levels remain in an imbalanced state. Symptoms often appear as ‘losing faith in those one is trying to help.’ Remind you of anyone?

– SUICIDAL THOUGHTS – This one is reserved for viewers of Ramsay’s never-ending new TV series.

if you watch the show: Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine, give us its feedback at editor@suffolkgazette.com

A Suffolk native 2000 year old stone mask found in Mexico

The Editor
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A Suffolk native 2000 year old stone mask found in Mexico
A Suffolk native 2000 year old stone mask found in Mexico
Raider of the unlost Pyramid finds possessed 2000-year-old stone mask. Puts it on.

In scenes reminiscent of the 1994 smash hit Jim Carrey movie, ‘The Mask’, an intrepid Suffolk native, recently returned from Teotihuacan, Mexico, has been possessed by a freaky 2000-year-old green stone mask.

Gerald Gladden, 43 of Knettishall, W.Suffolk (an explorer type) is an extreme traveller, regularly sailing or jetting-off to all corners of the globe on some damn fool crusade or expedition.

Ever since watching Raiders of the Lost Ark as a kid. He has spent a lifetime pursuing adventure, excitement, and hidden treasure – just like his idol – Han Solo.

After years of scraping around in the sand and mud, making occasional finds of mundane historical artifacts such as; whalebone combs, worthless 19th Century coins, endless bits of bombed WWII crockery etc. Gladden finally struck pay dirt when he dug up his ‘find of a lifetime’ (Suffolk native stone mask)at the foot of the ‘Pyramind of the Sun’ in Teotihuacan, Mexico.

Gerald takes up the story. “So I am particularly interested in the Teotihuacanos Aztecs who were incredibly innovative and capable engineers.

They started the pyramid in 200 AD and it still stands today. Their cameras still work as well.”

Go on…

“The Teotihuacanos finished the pyramid with green lime plaster imported from surrounding areas, on which they painted brilliantly coloured murals.

While the pyramid has endured for centuries, the paint and plaster have not and are no longer visible, however, Jaguar heads and paws, stars, and snake rattles are among the few images associated with the pyramids and can still be seen at the pyramid site today.”

How did he find the ‘Suffolk Native’ mask?

“Well, there is an internal staircase in the pyramid and apparently the ancient mosaic designs and other wonders that can be seen on the way up are spellbinding.

Unfortunately, my back had been giving me gyp so I couldn’t be arsed to climb it. I decided to stay at the bottom and have a fag instead.

When I’d finished, I stubbed the butt out in the sand below my feet. As I did, I heard this strange squeaky sound – a bit like that sound you get when you stub out a fag butt on the nose of an ancient Aztec Green Serpentine Suffolk native Stone mask.

Well, that was it. I scraped the rest of the sand away with the outside of my trainer and… bejeezus… there it was. Staring back up at me. Find of a lifetime!”

What did you do?

“I lit another fag and smoked it. Then, I picked up the mask and… well… what does anyone do when they find an ancient ceremonial mask, most likely imbued with a 2000-year-old, evil voodoo spirit? Yep.

You guessed it… I asked the old lady who was standing next to me if she wouldn’t mind trying it on.”

Did she?

“Yes and no. She tried, but the silly cow, put it (the Suffolk native mask) on upside down. She was foreign, probably Mexican.

I took it back off her and said ‘No! Not like that… like this…’ and… yes… you guessed it again… I put it on my own face to show her how and… BLAM! You can imagine the rest.”

At this stage of the interview, the expression on Mr Gladden’s face hardened.

All the colour drained away and the skin on his face began to peel and crumble. Then, the flesh on his face, his nose, and his ears disintegrated and dropped to the floor.

His eyes exploded like lychees being squashed in a baby gorilla’s hand,  and what was left of his mouth began to dribble slime.

F*ck that, thought this reporter as I turned and ran for the door.

3 Features to Look For In a Desk Chair

The Editor
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3 Features to Look For In a Desk Chair
3 Features to Look For In a Desk Chair

If you’re looking to take your gaming experience to the next level, then you may be in the market for a new desk chair. Before rushing into things, there are several key features you should really look out for, including things like the dimensions (e.g., height, width, and depth), as well as comfortability and style.

Additionally, you also need to consider how mobile the chair is and whether or not it has sturdy armrests, sufficient cushioning, and plenty of adjustable features, such as lumbar support, a decent backrest, and seat tilt, which you can customise to better suit your position. Don’t forget, you could be spending hours at a time sitting in your desk chair, so you want it to be a good one.

Top gaming chairs to keep an eye out for in 2022

Let’s start by taking a quick look at some of the highest-rated desk chairs/PC gaming chairs that you can buy right now from a number of retailers. Examples of some of the best desk chairs in 2022 are the following:

  • Secretlab Titan Evo 2022
  • X-Chair X2 K-Sport Management chair
  • Mavix M9
  • Corsair T3 Rush
  • Branch Ergonomic Chair
  • Secretlab OMEGA 2022
  • Logitech G x Herman Miller Embody

Other notable mentions include the Secretlab NeueChair, the AndaseaT Kaiser 3, the AndaSeat Jungle Gaming Chair, the Anda Seat T-Pro 2, the Thermaltake Argent E700, and the Razer Iskur. Brand new, these desk chairs can range anywhere in value from as little as £150 (or equivalent currency value) up to around £500. However, if you’re really lucky, you may even be able to pick up one of these second-hand chairs for £100 to £300. In other words, they’re not cheap. However, they are built to last and will give you hundreds of hours of comfort.

How to choose the right desk chair

People are literally spoilt for choice today when it comes to shopping for a new deck chair, and for some people, this can seem a little daunting because there are lots of things to consider. To begin with, the three main features you should consider when you’re in the market for a new desk chair are comfortability, style, and dimensions (e.g., height, width and depth). Some of the other important features you should also bear in mind are cost, system compatibility, and practicality.

Chairs for gaming and casino play

If you’re going to be spending hours at a time playing hit titles, such as Grand Theft Auto 5, League of Legends, Dota 2, Call of Duty, Forza Horizon 5, or Fortnite, then you need a chair that’s both comfortable and practical. You may only be using the chair to play your favourite slots, table & card games at your preferred online casino or watching the latest shows on Netflix or Prime. Whatever you’re using your chair for, it must be the right fit for you. While on that subject, don’t forget that you can enjoy the latest casino bonuses from the comfort of your new chair when signing up to a fully licensed online casino.

Remember to try and choose an ergonomically designed chair that has been specifically made for gaming; otherwise, you could end up with all kinds of issues, such as chronic back and posterior pain or frequent neck aches. The good news is that they come in a variety of styles, but the top-of-the-range desks can be a little costly.

Other features to consider

Some desk chairs are able to support more weight than others, so consider this when purchasing your desk chair. Most come in leather, but other materials may also be available, so remember to make the right choice. Does your chair have adjustable armrests? Does it come with high-density foam cushions? Also, does it have an ergonomic lumbar support system?

Ideally, it would be a good idea to visit a shop and try before you buy. However, even if you buy one of these desk chairs from an online retailer, you can pretty much guarantee that it’s going to do the job. Just make sure that you select a chair that is comfortable, within your price range, and stylish to look at.

You don’t want to buy a chair that’s too expensive, especially if you’re on a budget, and you don’t want to get an ugly or impractical chair that you will soon regret buying. Last of all, before you go ahead and purchase a chair, remember to carry out your own research into that chair by cross-referencing as many reviews as possible.

For example, you don’t want to waste your money on a chair that is rated just one star out of five stars. With the five-star rating scale, anything that is rated at 4 stars or more should be ok.

400 BBC Jobs in danger

The Editor
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400 BBC Jobs in danger
400 BBC Jobs in danger

In a shocking move, designed to make it ‘appear’ less gluttonous. 400 BBC jobs to be ‘slashed’ (not take a piss – trim) from its revered ‘World Service’.

Considering there are only 195 recognized countries in the world, this means two things:-

  1. No other country in the world other than Scotland, now has a BBC overseas correspondent.
  2. Before the slashing, every country in the world had at least two overseas correspondents. Gluttony.

Lavish with its front

Critics of the BBC accuse it of being excessively staffed, wasteful, lavish with its front-of-camera ‘talent’’s salaries, and unrestrained with boss’s pay & conditions.

For example, taking a quick look at the BBC’s published list of senior staff, and picking three individuals at random, this reporter discovered the following about the remuneration packages being funded by BBC license payers:-

Carla-Maria Lawson (Head of Daytime) £160,000-£164,999

Noel Scotford (HR Director, Systems and Management Information) £180,000-£184,999

Kerris Bright (Chief Customer Officer) £360,000-£364,999

BBC Jobs slash & Senior staff

And that’s at random. There are almost certainly more inflated salaries amongst the tens of senior roles clearly not being considered for slashing (this time it does mean taking the piss.)

One word springs to mind….

Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous in fact.

HMRC data shows that the average UK salary at the start of 2022 was £24,600. The average salary for a nurse is £35,000. For a fireman, £34,600. A teacher, with over ten years experience, £37,000. And a troglodyte cleaner? £21,463

Greedy Pigs

Yet, for dining al fresco at a Kensington bistro, working out whether or not to put Peppa Pig ahead of Postman Pat on the telly during the day.

OR for quaffing champagne while calculating out how much of your department’s staggering budget you can spare to buy-in endless re-runs of low-brow tripe ‘Homes under the hammer’.

Could be imbecilic drivel ‘Rip Off Britain’ to broadcast to the unemployed (ensuring you leave enough for salaries of course), Carla-Maria, Noel & Kerris are quite happy to accept over three-quarters of a MILLION of your POUNDS between them.

Rip Off Britain? More like rip-off Britain’s Broadcasting Company.

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