Jeremy Clarkson has had enough of this crap. He, along with Top Gear buddies, James May and Richard Hammond, turned up outside of No.10 today to take back control of the UK government.
Clarkson is the perfect candidate for the job due to him being the archetypal swinish Tory millionaire. He has all the smug charm, patronizing oratory, and mansplaining skills required to be a classic Tory Leader.
True Grit
Hammond, whose first job was to shovel grit into a water filtration plant, has been installed as minister of road safety. This eyebrow-raising appointment flies in the face of his own well-documented roadworthiness. He has crashed his own vehicle at least four times:-
Drag Racing The Vampire Dragster. During a 2006 episode of Top Gear
Rimac Concept One Hill Climb Crash
Chinese Hill Climb Crash During Season 3
Open-wheeled Racecar Crash In Poland
It is believed that Clarkson insisted on Hammond as he knew at 5 feet 5 inches in height. He wouldn’t be able to reach the lectern to make embarrassing policy announcements at press conferences.
Dope & Gummidge
James May, the loveable dope whose greatest achievement is building a life-size model of an Airfix Supermarine Spitfire. He is the new minister of common sense. Say no more.
Jeremy Clarkson’s Team
The final member of the new Top Cabinet is Jeremy Clarkson’s special political advisor and farmhand. Kaleb Cooper who has been appointed minister of Agriculture. This is a particularly astute appointment as no other human on earth – apart from part-human, Worzel Gummidge. Looks more at home on a farm than he.
With perfect timing, Harper Collins has scheduled the release of Truss Book ‘Out of the Blue: The inside story of Liz Truss and her explosive rise to power’ for 8th December – a date by which Truss herself, could possibly be working in a charity book shop.
Truss engaged the services of ghostwriters, Harry Cole and James Heale to tell the story of her incredible rise to failure, presumably because she is as incompetent literarily as she is politically.
I bet it’s a good, saucy read, though. An insider at Harper Collins sent the following short excerpt to the Suffolk Gazette in exchange for £500 cash…
Truss Book Spoiler
“So on the Tuesday, I said to Kwasi, ‘You do know that I will always love you, don’t you? No matter what happens. I never want to be apart from you.’ ‘K’ was irresolute (W.C. ‘showing or feeling uncertainty’). I was longing for him to say the same thing to me, but he was too busy playing with the solar-powered calculator his wife had bought him for Christmas. ‘Kwasi!’ Nothing. I was left, sat there, pretending to type some figures into the Excel sheet I was plotting the mini-budget on. I was dying inside.
‘Lizzie.’
‘Yes, Kwasi’ I wanted to say darling, but I daren’t.
‘You know these figures don’t add up don’t you?’
‘Figures? Erm, er, yes. I’m just looking at your figure, I mean the figures now.’
‘It’s just that I’m in the house tomorrow and I have to… you know… make some policy announcements.’
The Twist
I couldn’t take any more. The sexual tension in the room was overwhelming. I took a deep breath and tried to stand, but my giddiness got the better of me. I fell forwards into the deep shag-carpetted expanse of Kwasi’s large lounge ‘Eeeeeeeeew.’
‘Liz’beth!’
Happy Ending
That was the last, sound I heard before my eyes went boss. I was about to go full-on swoontard when I felt a powerful hand gently clutch my right-wing upper arm. The boofy sensuality of his touch made me come around instantly, and as I looked upwards, through my still partially bleary eyes, I could see his face. His beautiful, big, face. ‘K. I love…’
‘This country? I know Lizzie. I know. And I love this country too! Isn’t it wonderful!’”
The Metropolitan Police have released a photograph of a suspect they are looking for in connection with a second identical act of criminal damage in two days to the main sign outside of its own New Scotland Yard Headquarters in London.
Just yesterday, Lora Johnson, 38, of Keens Lane, Reydon, near Southwold, Suffolk, was arrested for spraying the sign orange. She will appear before Westminster Magistrates’ Court.
Today, the world-famous revolving, triangular prism sign was again covered in paint – this time fluorescent green – by a mystery vandal, also appearing to represent the Just Stop Oil campaign.
Do you recognise the mystery vandal? Answers on a postcard to the Suffolk Gazette.
Tired of working crummy jobs and getting paid just a few pounds per flour? Frustrated at never being able to savoury any money? Greggs Recruitment can help as they have many rolls need filling.
Come and work for GREGGS BAKERIES where food is always fresh and always tasty!
Making ends meet should be the yeast of your worries. If you knead more dough, just look at our pay rates:-
(at yeast)
Team member – £8.16–9.80
Supervisor – £9.56–10.55
Manager – £10.65–14.56
Production operative – £10.07–13.27
HGV driver – £12.42–17.25
NB. We will be self-raising our pay rates to egg-beat inflation in the near future.
On top of our great egg salaries, you will also be offered grated working conditions, holidays, perks and discounts.
What are we looking for? You!
We are looking for educated and well-bread individuals to join our dynamic and percolated team, however, if you are from Suffolk and in-bread, please doughnut apply.
You must be motivated, flexible, and able to work under your own coffee steamer.
Greggs Recruitment
Our staff is well trained. Our customers have high standards, and there is no margarine for error. We want you to be able to perform your ham roll to the best of your ability.
We provide all our staff with a smartie cookie uniform, protective equipment, and footwear. Loafers, in fact.
We take the health and safety of our staff very seriously. We recently paid for private health care for one of our bakers who accidentally fell inside a truck full of French bread and ended up in a lot of pain.
LATEST ON DOUGHNUT PRODUCTION
You may have heard that we have temporarily suspended all doughnut manufacturing. Reports in the press that we have gotten tired of the hole thing are untrue. We just kneaded a little thyme to update our machinery, so doughnut worry, production will be up and running again soon.
Greggs is an equal opportunities employer
We welcome diversity and celebrate differences. Whether it is your age, ethnicity, religion, gender alignment, or hair colour, all are welcome! We do not discriminate against gingerbread men.
A beach hut near the sea in Christchurch Harbour, Dorset has been advertised for sale for £560,000.
In the same way that you can squeeze 12 people inside a red telephone box. The current owners claim that the shed is able to sleep ‘up to’ eight people. Lol.
So what do you get for your half a million quid apart from some wooden planks and blue paint?
Well, for a kick-off, it has no access to mains electricity and no bog. So, while you’re on holiday with your seven mates. Don’t expect to be able to listen to the footy results or the shipping forecast on the radio. Drink a cold beer, or take a piss. Let alone have a shit.
Life in plastic, its fantastic!
Apparently, it can fit five small (minute) single mattresses in the mezzanine level and is equipped with sofas that can convert into extra beds. This will be good news for the kids as their Action Men and Barbie dolls will have somewhere to sleep.
The hut is also fitted with a fully equipped kitchen (i.e. 1 x spoon, 1 x fork, 1 x knife). There is some storage underneath which is ideal for quantum physicists to keep their quarks in (W.C. ‘Quarks’ are the building blocks of Protons and Neutrons and the smallest things in the universe). 600-watt solar panels on the roof provide enough electricity to power an LED egg timer. It has a 100-litre heated water tank with heater – to boil the eggs in.
Isle of Why Beach Hut?
The deck offers a view that looks out towards the Isle of Wight. Apparently, the owners of beach hut are offering a discount for that.
According to Rightmove, the average price for a home in Dorset as of June 2022 was £368,614. FFS.
Also available for under a million pounds in the Dorset area are:-
A wheelie bin converted into a four-berth caravan (£134,000)
A used Budgie cage transformed into a six-berth tree house set in a municipal park (£267,000)
An upturned fairy cake case/yurt for nine people attached to a traveling circus (£865,925)
Unless you live in Manchester – where the instruction has been updated to forget November the 5th. Yes, the killjoys at Manchester City Council have chosen to deliberately upset thousands of children. By cancelling the fun of bonfire night fireworks displays.
Boooo!
Bonfire night – known as ‘Guy Fawkes Night’ up until the 1970s. Originates from the Gunpowder Plot of 1605. A failed conspiracy by a group of provincial English Catholics to assassinate the Protestant King James I of England and VI of Scotland, and replace him with a Catholic head of state.
The plot failed due to dodgy, damp gunpowder not igniting and, in the immediate aftermath. Guy Fawkes was caught and arrested. The box of sparklers he was carrying was confiscated as were the Catherine wheels, rockets and roman candles.
The jubilant King ordered the public to celebrate his survival by building effigies of Guy Fawkes out of their dad’s old shirt and trousers. A balloon for a head, and an unwanted Tottenham FC scarf. The unconvincing effigies were then to be pushed around town in a pram or pushchair. Raising ‘pennies for the Guy’ before being propped up atop a bonfire in the overgrown bit of your mate’s garden.
No Booms
17th Century rebel sympathiser Manchester Councillor Lee-Ann Igbon said the decision to cancel fun was not taken lightly. And that “I know many people will be disappointed, but we simply do not have money to burn. Boom. Boom.”
As is so typical of stick-in-the-mud environmentalists. The Councillor explained that the local authority’s ambition to become a net zero carbon city by 2038 was also a factor.
Boring
The anti-monarchist mis-hog went on “Our Neighbourhood teams. She has been working tirelessly to re-prioritise the budget on community events and supporting our residents through the cost-of-living crisis.
So the bins will still be collected then. Probably.
It is important to understand what dental implants are before we can delve into how important, or beneficial, they are to us.
Whenever dental surgeons recommend implants to their patients, they are, in essence, recommending a form of dental surgery meant to replace some or all of the teeth roots.
Patients often show up at dental clinics complaining of aches within the teeth or the gum, and although sometimes these pains are a result of gum infection, other times they are caused by broken or rotten teeth roots.
There is another dental treatment procedure that involves fixing dental veneers on the natural teeth, and although it is performed by the same surgeons who fix implants, it is usually done for cosmetic reasons. For example, many famous performing artists have dental veneers that make their smiles bright and pronounced. In fact, the term “Hollywood Smile” is used in reference to such disarming smiles.
What Dental Implant Surgery Entails
The surgery to fix dental implants involves a procedure to replace any roots of the teeth that have proved to be the cause of the patient’s dental problems. During this advanced dental procedure, the natural roots of the teeth are replaced by metallic pieces or parts that look like screws.
The beauty of having implants is that nobody may ever know your teeth are not wholly natural. Your new or modified teeth look all-natural, and they function just like natural teeth. Dental doctors often recommend having implants rather than having the problematic teeth extracted. In fact, implants are great alternatives to dentures.
When and How to Put Dental Implants
Dental surgical procedures, whether involving implants or veneers, can only be confidently done by an expert in the field. In fact, in countries like Turkey, where many people prefer to have their dental procedures done, dental surgery has become a very popular course at the degree level. There are quite a number of clinics that absorb qualified dental implant surgeons; a good example is Dental Centre Turkey located in the city of Antalya.
As for the procedure involved in dental implantation, it is dependent on the kind of implant the patient is going to receive; and the structure and health of the patient’s jawbone.
If only one tooth is problematic, the doctor performs a single-tooth implant procedure, and if the problematic teeth are many, the doctor performs a multiple-tooth implant procedure. In fact, you can find a case where the patient does not have a single healthy tooth, and the dental surgeon has no choice but to perform a full-mouth dental implant procedure.
The endearing thing about going for dental implants, or even dental veneers, is that there are qualified dental technicians with skills good enough to produce custom-made implants and veneers.
Endosteal And Subperiosteal Dental Implants
The major types of implants are the endosteal and subperiosteal varieties; their main difference is the manner in which either of them is attached to the patient’s jawbone.
Endosteal implants are the more common of the two, and they look like tiny screws or cylinders, or even blades. These implants are inserted in the jawbone in a manner to hold one or even more substitute teeth. These replacement or substitute teeth are referred to as prosthetic teeth.
Very often, dental doctors recommend endosteal implants for patients with dentures, or those with dental bridges.
As for subperiosteal implants, doctors often recommend them when the dental implants need to be attached above the jawbone, or directly on it. These types of implants have their metallic posts fixed under the gum; being stuck right into the gum to ensure they are well held in place.
Sometimes dental surgeons recommend subperiosteal implants to patients who wear regular or common dentures; or those whose jawbones are not healthy enough to support endosteal implants.
Alternative Dental Implant Procedures
If the doctor does not think Endosteal or Subperiosteal Dental Implants are suitable for you, he/she may recommend different procedures; like bone augmentation, sinus lift, or ridge extension.
Normally, bone augmentation is done on a patient whose jaw does not have a sufficient healthy bones to hold implants. The procedure of bone augmentation, which involves the use of bone additives as well as growth elements, is done for purpose of restoring weak bone.
The sinus lift procedure, also known as sinus elevation, it is done to help the implants get attached appropriately to the upper and back sections of the jaw. Normally such areas have an insufficient amount of bone, or the quality of bone is poor. The main objective of this procedure is to raise the floor of the sinus, so as to create room for more bone required to hold the necessary number of dental implants. The name of the procedure is derived from the fact that the patient’s affected area is very near the sinus.
Doctors recommend ridge expansion when the patient’s jaw is too thin to offer proper support for the implants. Hence, the procedure calls for the addition of graft matter onto some tiny space at the top area of the jaw; the area known as the ridge. A doctor can also recommend that a patient’s ridge be modified if the jaw is deformed because doing so would enhance the chances of the dental implant procedure becoming successful. A ridge expansion is also great for correcting the cosmetic look of the jaw.
Why it is Important to See a Licensed Dental Surgeon
It is important to note that dental surgery, which includes procedures associated with dental implants, needs to be carried out by specialists. That is the only way you can enjoy the full benefits of such procedures and avoid unnecessary hitches. For example, patients whose procedures are done in clinics that have qualified dental implant surgeons end up healing quickly. You should also check dental Implants reviews on Trustpilot.
This means you can be assured the area surrounding the dental implant will tighten in good time, and therefore, the dental implant will remain properly supported.
It is important to note that there is the drilling of bone in dental implant procedures, and hence the healing process can take as long as several months. Nevertheless, these procedures are worthwhile because not only do they enhance your physical attractiveness and boost your self-confidence, but they also improve the functionality of your teeth and the entire mouth.
The jackpot prize of a £12.5 million Lotto winner is still at large, presumably still skint. Three months on from the draw.
The potentially life-changing ‘golden’ ticket was bought in person by a person from the Doolally Tobacco & Confectionary Store in Marlesford in July.
Lucky Drip & missing Lotto Winner
The missing ‘Lotto winner’ is presumed to be either abroad, unwell, in a hospital or just a complete f*king idiot. I mean, if you are going to go through all the trouble of actually walking to a shop to buy a ticket. The least you can do is check it a couple of days later. I know if I had picked the winning numbers. I would be on the phone to Camelot before the last ping-pong ball had stopped spinning.
The winning numbers were: 3, 16, 20, 41, 57 and… wait for it… 58.
Oh, FFS.
Scavenge for a Brighter Future
The National Lottery is urging people in the area to check their paper tickets or look around for discarded ones on the pavements and gutters. In case the ‘priceless’ missing ticket had been dropped or accidentally thrown away.
As a consequence of so many winning ticket-holders neglecting to collect their prizes. Camelot is reportedly changing its famous catchphrase from ‘You’ve got to be in it to win it’ to ‘You’ve not only got to be in it to win you’ve also got to not bin it to win it’ which the lottery operator admits does not have quite the same ring to it.
‘Lotto’ made 11 people millionaires last month. While a UK ticket-holder scooped a whopping £171 billion jackpot in the EuroBillions draw.
Lotto winner has 180 days from the day of the draw to claim the prize.
