Mcdonalds forced to take down its tasteless McCrispy sign board opposite Cornwall Crematorium by the locals.
We’ve all been there. At the funeral of a distant, second-tier relative or, worse still, a friend of a friend with whom you were barely acquainted. You waited around in the cold, nodding at a spattering of complete strangers in mismatched ensembles of black, grey, or purple, before finally making it inside the chapel of rest.
At last, some warmth. Another ten minutes that felt more like twenty passed before the officiant finally rose and began the eulogy. It was a reasonably accurate and endearing portrait of the person you hardly knew,.but as the soulless delivery droned on, your mind began to wander and you inevitably thought about when and what you were next going to eat.
Never again. Well, not for the friends and relatives of dead people in the drab Suffolk town of Beccles, at least,.where the world’s first ‘McCrematorium fast funeral food’ outlet has just opened to the relief of hungry mourners.
Controversy rumbles on
Mc Crematorium Director of Services, Lorraine Fisher, 34, told this reporter how gruesome eatery has changed the way the dead of Beccles are ritually burned. ”Before we opened, services were punctuated with the groans,.whimpers, and sobbing of mourners – not out of sorrow for the deceased – but because they were so hungry. Sometimes you would even hear loud tummy rumbling during the most poignant parts of the service. That’s all finished now with the new drive-thru. It’s like we’ve killed two birds with one oven, if you catch my drift. Cook the burgers, incinerate the dead.”
Golden archway to heaven
Mourner, Joanne Catherall, whose Fiat Punto was idling between two hearses when we caught up with her using the drive-thru, told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE how she is so fond of Mc Crematorium, she is looking forward to more people she knows dying. “I love it. I’m here to bury me mum, but with all the arrangements and sorrow ‘n’ that, I didn’t catch a bite this morning before we set off. I’m Hank Marvin, so I thought I’d pop into Maccy Deceased before we say our final goodbyes. Hello… a Big Mac, large fries, and a Diet Coke, please, luv.”
Due to the sensitive nature of its location, and to be respectful of the dead, some items on Mc Crematorium’s menu have changed. The McCrispy Chicken Burger remains but happy meals are now known as sad meals, hash browns, are ash browns, and toasted muffin with jam is now ‘warmed’ muffin with jam.