KENTFORD, SUFFOLK –  A peaceful Tuesday evening turned eerie after a Birds Eye Chicken & Gravy Pie developed a serious attitude problem midway through dinner preparations.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

Jeremy Quagmire, a 44-year-old bachelor and former part-time jigsaw librarian, had looked forward all day to his usual treat: a steaming pie served with broccoli and carrots on his favourite chipped plate, “The Duchess of Sandwich.”

But the meal took a chilling turn when, upon removing the chicken & gravy pie from the oven, Jeremy noticed it was glaring at him.

“It had this twisted, crusty grimace,” Jeremy explained. “Like it had seen unspeakable things inside my fridge and couldn’t forgive me for it. One side of the pastry was sort of puffed up into what I can only describe as a sneer.”

Jeremy, who lives alone with a collection of antique spoons and a cat named Keith, said he was particularly rattled by the fact that the gravy inside seemed to bubble in an accusatory manner.

“I’m not sure if it didn’t like vegetables, or maybe it just disapproved of the plate,” he added. “But that chicken & gravy pie made me feel like I’d done something terribly wrong.”

Fowl Mood

Despite the chicken & gravy pie’s threatening pastry demeanour, Jeremy — who reported having no other food in the house but three pickled onions and a tin of expired Ambrosia — ate the meal anyway.

“It was alright,” he confirmed, “but I didn’t feel good about it. Every mouthful felt like a moral battle.”

Birds Eye declined to comment, though an internal source did admit that their products are “not designed to judge the consumer, emotionally or otherwise.”

Jeremy has since switched to fish fingers. “At least they don’t look at me,” he said, with visible relief.

Meanwhile: Waitrose to hold open evenings for common people only