Monday, February 12, 2024

Disgruntled bouncer planted ‘fake’ bomb to make himself look like a hero

Disgruntled bouncer planted ‘fake’ bomb to make himself look like a hero

A disgruntled bouncer working at a Wetherspoons pub planted a fake bomb to make himself look like a hero.

Nellis Oliphant – ‘Nellie the elephant’ to his friends, built the fake explosive device out of an empty box of Weetabix, horse manure, some dried-up plasticine, and an old wind-up alarm clock that hadn’t told the correct time since 1984.

Bi-polar bear

Oliphant, 28 from Ipswich, worked at the popular Cricketers pub in Crown Street Ipswich as a bouncer (fake hero) on Friday and Saturday nights. Colleagues say he was a quiet, friendly ‘bear’ of a man apart from when he descended into violent rages at the most insignificant transgression that might occur in the pub – such as a diner dropping a pea on the carpet, or a punter not placing his glass at the epicenter of a beer mat.

Bouncer in the court

Representing the crown, barrister John William Fisher Beaumont III told those gathered at Ipswich crown court that ‘Nutty Nellie’ allegedly placed the hoax bomb inside a toilet bowl in the gents’ toilets while he pretended to relieve himself at about 9 pm last Friday night. According to Beaumont III, Oliphant had intended to return to the lav later that evening and pretend to ‘discover’ the bomb – albeit fake – and thus be considered a hero, hoping to gain from associated benefits such as a possible pay rise, his photo in the local paper (he got than anyway) and guaranteed popularity with the local fat slags from the pub.

Unfortunately for him, the manic-depressive doorman’s plan went to shit when he returned to the gents’ toilet later that evening. By pure chance, the device that he had manufactured at home the previous weekend was actually a functioning explosive device. The mix of horse shit and plasticine was a bomb-making recipe widely used by the Liliputian Freedom Army (LFA) during the 1970s when it carried a series of attacks on the British mainland in the cause of equal rights for tiny people.

Singed bollocks

In court, Oliphant admitted that he had momentarily sat down on the toilet to ready himself for the final stage of his ruse, when the device exploded violently up his arse. In the chaos which followed, Oliphant was dragged out of the gents’ toilet and stretched out on the floor of the pub where colleagues attempted to extinguish the pubic inferno that had engulfed his arse crack and ball bags. Nellis was subsequently arrested when it was discovered that the horse manure used in the bomb was the same variety used at the stables his mum mucked out every other Monday and Wednesday.

The case continues.

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