Sunday, June 2, 2024

Human flesh added to Suffolk pub menu

A Suffolk pub has added the flesh of human children to its lunchtime menu.

The Goat & Feathers gastro pub in Tannington, hit upon the idea as a solution to the problem of unruly,.poorly-disciplined children being allowed to disrupt the enjoyment of other, superior childless diners.

Static cheeseboard

Landlord couple, Brian and Sandra Cluttock (combined age 127) announced via a static cheeseboard.stationed outside their pub, that obnoxious, unmanageable children will, without exception,.be murdered, skinned, and prepared as fillings for their popular artisan all-butter pastry pies.

Savage Youths

The problem of feral children ruining the experiences of civilized people is common in Suffolk. We at the SUFFOLK GAZETTE are regularly contacted by residents in well-to-do,.suburban cul-de-sacs complaining about savage youths from the local sink-estate trespassing onto their property, ruining their lives in the process.

In some rare cases, complainants despise the roaming street children even more than they do their neighbours.

Little C*nt

Experts say that the cause of this adolescent blight on humanity is mainly the preponderance of scummy,.ill-educated, working-class parents in Suffolk who display poor.‘couldn’t-give-a-shit’ parenting skills, handed down from generation to generation through their worthless, resource-draining families.

You know the sort I’m talking about. The ones who shatter the mellow atmosphere of the country have carefully selected as they clatter through the door. Heaving over the hearth an over-filled triple pushchair, adorned with rattles, comfort blankets,.nappy bags and dropped soft toys, etc, simultaneously screeching at ‘Ryan’ to ‘stop facking moaning you little cunt,.I’ll get you some crisps in a minute f’fuck’s sake’.

The Human Flesh Horror

We’ve all watched in horror, mouths agape, forks frozen in mid-air,.as the velour-clad lump of maternal trash before us drags her vile,.innumerable offspring (plus their toys) to the bar – all of them shouting the whole time.– before ordering ten rounds of chicken nuggets, chips, three pizzas,.two Orange and Passion Fruit J2O’s, four Apple Fruit Shoots, one Coke,.and five lemonades – all paid for by us through state benefits.

Civilized Folk

Thankfully, my children are nothing like this. They are perfectly well-behaved, polite with impeccable manners. Their well-groomed appearance is delightfully offset by the fact that they never speak.unless spoken to and do nothing more over lunch than quietly recite.the periodic table of elements to one another, or whisper the lord’s prayer between courses.

That is why my wife and I shall be taking them to the Goat & Feathers this Sunday to feast on the flesh of the children of the underclass whom we all utterly despise. Mmmmmm.

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