Saturday, May 18, 2024

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Camilla’s Newmarket visit postponed by weather

Camilla’s Newmarket visit postponed by weather
Camilla’s Newmarket visit postponed by weather

NEWSFLASH! We are receiving news that Queen Camilla of England has been prevented from enjoying a day at the races because of light showers over Newmarket.

Events are moving quickly but the latest reports are that there is indeed a squally shower heading towards the popular Suffolk race track. A spokesman for the usurper queen said Camilla was “vewy, vewy sowwy, but she would twy to come back when the wain had thtopped.”

In other breaking weather news…

MAN’S PHONE POSSIBLY DAMAGED

A nondescript man from Ilketshall St Lawrence got his phone wet when he walked to his car whilst reading the sports headlines during a light shower.

Witnesses say that the man in his mid-forties wiped the water droplets from the screen of his Samsung S20 with the sleeve of his anorak after entering his blue 2014 Vauxhall Astra leaving a smear across the phone’s transparent protective cover. It is not known whether any lasting damage was done to the phone.

PANE-FUL DEATH

The recent inclement weather affecting Suffolk has caused a bereaved window cleaner in North Cove to get mild chilblains in his fingers. John Capsi (42) took over his father Brian’s window-cleaning business last year after his dad died suddenly after contracting cholera from a dirty cleaning rag.

Formerly known as ‘Brian Capsi & Son windows’, ‘John Capsi Windows’ is the third most successful independent window cleaning firm in the local area. Speaking of his chilblains, the grieving vision technician told the GAZETTE, “I get them from time to time, especially in the cold.

It’s because you’re constantly putting your hands in and out of the hot bucket. They’ll be fine this time tomorrow. At least I ain’t got cholera like me dad got.”

SNOW BLIND

The Royal National Institute of Blind People (RNIB) has issued a warning that blind people (people whose eyes don’t exist or work) are especially vulnerable after a snowfall.

Listed among the added dangers faced by unseeing people venturing out into snow-covered landscapes are: Catching pneumonia due to not wearing proper warm clothing because they don’t know it’s snowing, not knowing where the pavement ends and the road starts (dangerous to seeing people also), walking into snowmen that weren’t there before, and, a heightened risk of being bowled over like a skittle by tobogganing children.

A spokesman for the RNIB asked the public to be vigilant and advised that yodeling like an alpine shepherd when around blind people lost in the snow helps them find their bearings and leads to fewer accidents.

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