Saturday, April 20, 2024

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It’s time for your dream erection

lady garden

Have you ever dreamed of owning a shed or greenhouse? This is traditionally the time those erection boys get their tools out ready for a good screwing. Even if you are tight for space, you’d be surprised how easy it is to squeeze one in.

There is everything from a tiny shed smaller than a wardrobe, for under £100 to say, a deluxe shed-cum-office for £6,000.


A shed, to my mind, should smell of creosote, meths, bike oil, paint tins and putty. A neighbour of mine brews barrels of beer in his shed and often after a riotous garden party, he’ll invite me into his little “man retreat” to look at his shrivelled old onions, which he likes me to tie up with string.

My husband keeps some of his DVDs in the shed. I think he said one of them was Debbie Does Dahlias. And I didn’t even think he was interested in gardening!

garden shed beerThe joy of sheds: my neighbour brews beer in his

Your erection can be made quite quickly but will probably need a good hard base. Many do it themselves but I have always got a man in.

A greenhouse, of course, is very desirable and perfect for raising seedlings and keeping a continuous supply of salad greens and tomatoes.

I am growing the well-known tomato variety Ailsa Craig. I thought that was a busty 1950s television hostess, but Ailsa Craig is actually a volcanic island in the Firth of Forth and the tomatoes hark back to the days when Scotland was famous the world over for growing tomatoes, not deep-frying Mars Bars or getting your hair cut like The Krankies.

There is something very satisfying about growing your own crops. I recently saw a video on Facebook about a school in America where children grow their own school dinners.


If some kid in the USA can do it, then anyone can. Even you Suffolk Gazette readers! Simply buy a packet of seeds (you can get them in all good garden centres) and snip the top open with a pair of scissors.

You will find the seeds are very tiny and there won’t be many of them, leaving you wondering why you paid £3.99 for something you are probably going to kill anyway. Then follow the instructions on the back of the packet about when to plant and how far to stick them in.

If you can’t be bothered with seeds, then try the less fallible plug plants and pop them into your John Inman’s compost. Water them when you go out for a fag. It’s what healthy living is all about.

For inspiration, just take a look at the magnificent cauliflower in my photo. It was raised by my sister on our allotment. Look at the size of it compared to a packet of Rothmans. It could easily feed a family of four.

cauliflowerMy giant cauliflower

And our Brussels sprouts, pictured just below the cauli, were as big as peas.

Taking into consideration the cost of the seeds, the compost, the plant food, and the man hours, these organic, tasty vegetables cost about £85. A bit pricier than the shops, you might say, but we know how much care went into them and that no harmful pesticides were used.

We keep birds off the vegetable plot with old CDs tied on string to distract them. My sister finds that her old David Essex and Phil Collins ones would deter even the most persistent pigeon.

If that fails, we just chuck cider bottles at them and yell at them to feck off.

I read this week that peppermint (AfterEightus) and rosemary (roastius lambium) can boost your memory. I grew some but I can’t remember where!

Jobs to do this week

– Trim your candytuft to encourage fresh new growth.

– Pop Basil (Fawltium Towerius) in with tomatoes to deter whitefly.

– Check that the mower is good to go. You may need to nip out for some lubricant.

– Tend those baby radishes (Burpus Repeatia). I recently went to a restaurant in Bury St Edmunds where they served them with the fresh young leaves attached. They were peppery and delicious. So if you grow your own, eat the lot. As the plants get older, like those in the shops, the leaves can be too tough and furry and nobody wants to munch on a big old hairy thing.

Your questions answered

Please keep sending me your comments. The Editor of the Suffolk Gazette says that Anita Bush is going down really well. And he should know.

Now for the answers to your problems.

* Mr R H from Felixstowe: It sounds to me as though you have a fungal problem with your peonies. I would go back to the fuchsia. Or book an appointment with the Ipswich STD clinic.

* Miss Hancock: I’m glad it’s looking lusher than ever and glad you enjoy my titbits. I learned most of my tricks from the Royal Whoreticultural Society.

* Mr P F from Stowmarket: Try the Garden Supplies Specialist in Soho for the replacement of your waterbutt plug. They do them in all sizes to prevent leaks and there is even a very fetching glow-in-the-dark one for the more adventurous.

That’s it for this week – have a great Bank Holiday weekend!


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