Friday, December 2, 2022

Styles styles it out in Ipswich Tesco Express

Styles styles it out in Ipswich Tesco Express
Ipswich Tesco Express

Styles by name, styles by nature. Unfortunately, many of the excruciating style choices.made by heartthrob pop star, Harry Styles, have backfired – spectacularly at Ipswich Tesco Express.

In a recent experiment to improve his image perception, the former One Direction frontman.went to the extreme of visiting the Ipswich Tesco Express at Bramford Road. According to an insider, the sartorially challenged millennial decided that by placing himself in an ordinary setting.(and let’s face it – it doesn’t come more ordinary than Ipswich Tesco Express),.he himself would, by comparison, appear more interesting.

To heighten the juxtaposition (W.C. ‘two things being seen or placed close together for contrasting effect’), the chart-topping warbler from Redditch,.Worcestershire accessorized with a navy blue plastic shopping basket as he pranced around the store whistling, and pretending to do his weekly shop.

Stay close to me at Ipswich Tesco Express

Placing oneself in unattractive surroundings to over-emphasize one’s own beauty,. or ‘landscaping’ as it is known amongst the Hollywood Glitterati, is the urban equivalent of going out partying with your ugliest or fattest mate to make yourself look better. We’ve all done it.

Styles, who used to dress normally when he was in One Direction has, since turning his back.on the former bandmates who helped him make it to the top, struggled to find his own style. Despite engaging the services of an army of stylists, designers, and fashion consultants, still ‘the clothes wear him.’ Whether it’s the multi-coloured Willy Wonka dinner suit, the flared two-piece made out of his mum’s dining room curtains, or the awkwardly-fitting lumberjacket and Dame Edna Everage feather boa combo, nothing will sit right on the boy.

styles it out in Ipswich Tesco

At the Suffolk Gazette, our advice to Harry would be – just be yourself. Mild transvestitism in rock is a great look – if you’re David Bowie, Marc Bolan, or Morrissey, but you have to FEEL it. If you’re just doing it to broaden your L.G.B.T.Q.I.A.+ credentials, it stands out a mile – like a badly positioned toupee.

Come on, Styles! Never forget those immortal Odyssey song lyrics…

“zipping up my boots – going back to my roots!”

*W.C. = Working Class

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