Monday, July 22, 2024

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Imposter Queen reportedly won crown in 1946 poker game

Photo by Jean Carlo Emer on Unsplash

The British Royal Family has been rocked after revelations that the Queen is not who she claims to be. This bombshell came about following a security breach at the MI6 New Years party, where one of the senior spies reportedly forgot to close the gate.  

Among the twelve tonnes of stolen material were various documents and video footage of the woman we now know as the Queen, winning her crown from the former Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor with a pair of 8’s.

While the Royal Family has been quick to speak against these ‘malicious untruths’, longstanding friends of the Queen have noted this development ‘makes a lot of sense’.

Even since the end of WW2, the formerly calm and collected queen was increasingly rambunctious. This was marked by a rapid shift of interests, such as her recent turn towards modern online casinos.

Unbeknownst to the public, the fake Queen has enjoyed a long and successful history of gambling, noting her recent passion at games like baccarat, blackjack, and the roulette table from Paddy Power, to name a few. Here she is reported to play the days away on the variety of different tables, as she waits for the cover of darkness to escape the palace grounds.

An unnamed insider remarked that this was one of her few technological-driven passions, as Her Majesty has otherwise turned to more mechanical thrills.

Retired Butler of the Queen, Geoffrey Duncedom, now breaking his silence, has reported that she spent a long stint as one of London’s premier illegal street drift racers, operating under the name Burnout Betty.

Still, it is her propensity for victorious gambling which has made the fake Queen a legend within the whispers of Windsor’s hallowed halls. While not verified, there are reports that, due to her prowess, England technically owns twelve US states, half of Denmark, the Loch Ness Monster (should it exist), and whatever is found at the bottom of the Baltic Sea.

While we have our team rapidly searching over the collection of data collected from the MI6 leak, questions remain as to what happened to the old Queen.

We did manage to track down a woman in Newmarket who fit the profile, but the woman assured us all that she was devoid of royal blood. She also remarked that were she to bet her entire life on a hand of poker, she would not have done so unless she really wanted to lose.

As it now stands, indications are that the current Queen is becoming increasingly cavalier in her attitude towards expressing her interests and passions.

Having asked for a top of the line computer to play her online casino games, many of her advisors are warning against playing into public fears about her true identity.

Bold reporters even managed to invade the recent knighting of Sir Sam Mendes, interrupting her directly to shout that they had proof of the Queens royal façade. Escorted out, they were last heard screaming that she ‘wouldn’t get away with this’.

In response, the Queen only offered her wry smile, and the words: “Do you wanna bet?”.

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