A laminated notice bearing the words “new ryanair priority boarding rules charging passengers extra to sit down” was reportedly found sellotaped to a departure gate at Stansted yesterday, shortly before a man from Stowmarket asked whether he could save £4.99 by sitting on his suitcase.
By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
The notice, written in the familiar cheery language of a threat issued by a printer running out of ink, informed passengers that boarding remained free, provided they did not expect to use any part of the aircraft in a manner traditionally associated with human legs.
Under the alleged new arrangements, travellers may still purchase Priority Boarding, two cabin bags, early boarding, a seat near the front, a seat near the back, a seat in the middle, a seat with a window painted somewhere nearby, and now, crucially, permission to lower themselves on to it.
“It’s about choice,” said a Ryanair spokesman made entirely from polished brass and small print. “Some passengers wish to sit down. Others are content to stand in an aisle for two hours while gripping the overhead locker and reflecting on the consequences of choosing the 6.10am flight to Alicante. We cater for both.”
New Ryanair priority rules put a price on knees
The basic fare is said to remain tantalisingly low. A return ticket from Stansted to somewhere with a fountain can still reportedly cost less than a sandwich at Ipswich railway station, before mandatory extras such as booking, breathing, selecting a seat, declining to select a seat, and acknowledging that aircraft have floors are applied.
Passengers selecting the new Sit Down Bundle will receive a digital certificate allowing them to occupy a numbered chair during take-off, landing and those long middle bits when the cabin crew attempt to sell perfume to people wearing tracksuit bottoms.
The package allegedly begins at £7.99, although this rises to £19.99 if customers would like their chair to possess a back. For an additional fee, holidaymakers may request that their knees point forwards rather than towards the Croatian coast.
Residents across Suffolk reacted with the measured fury normally reserved for parking meters, broadband providers and a pub that has started calling chips ‘triple-cooked potato batons’.
“I don’t mind paying for the seat,” said Clive Buggins, 58, of Needham Market, who was travelling to Malaga for a week of sunburn and arguments about sun loungers. “But I object to paying more to use it. Next they’ll charge you to look out of the window, and frankly I already paid for the clouds through the taxes.”
His wife, Brenda, said she had booked the Standing Saver fare by accident after clicking through 14 screens on her phone in the kitchen. “It says I’m entitled to one personal item,” she explained. “Apparently that item is myself, folded in half.”
A premium service for those who dislike inconvenience
Industry analysts, who had been flown to a hotel conference room near Luton and given a miniature bottle of water to share, said the move made perfect commercial sense.
Budget airlines have long understood that people will endure almost any indignity if the headline price contains a number beginning with a two. Once a passenger has committed to a £29.99 return flight, they are psychologically prepared to pay another £86.40 to avoid being assigned Seat 34B, positioned between the toilet and an emergency exit that leads directly to Belgium.
The sitting supplement is expected to sit alongside a number of other proposed options. These include the Right to Recline, which permits a passenger to lean backwards by up to seven millimetres, and the Cabin Atmosphere Contribution, allowing travellers to experience the full benefits of air inside the plane.
A family of five from Felixstowe said they had managed to keep costs down by booking only two seated positions and taking turns. “The children can perch on us for the first hour,” said father Darren Pye. “Then I stand by the galley while Sharon has a go. It’s called being financially sensible. My dad used to drive to Cornwall with no air conditioning, so this is basically heritage.”
Not everyone sees a problem. Some frequent flyers welcomed the clarity. “At least you know where you are,” said consultant Gareth, who declined to provide a surname because his firm has a travel policy. “With other airlines, you get ripped off in a vague and luxurious way. Here, you are told precisely which tiny comfort has been separated from the original transaction. It’s almost refreshing.”
The Suffolk workaround
Naturally, several East Anglian passengers have begun seeking alternatives. A Facebook group called Ryanair Sit-Down Hacks UK No Scammers has suggested wearing an inflatable gardening kneeler, arriving with exceptionally strong thighs, or claiming to be a decorative plant.
One member from Bury St Edmunds claimed he had bypassed the charge by boarding with a collapsable fishing stool hidden inside a jacket. He was later asked to pay an outdoor furniture handling fee, a portable seat deployment fee and £11 for bringing a chair into contact with the airline’s chair-shaped property.
A man at Stansted was reportedly seen attempting to board with a full-size armchair from DFS, arguing that it counted as a “small personal item” because he had formed a personal attachment to it. Witnesses said the chair was removed from the queue before it could be offered priority.
Meanwhile, a forward-thinking village parish council in Suffolk has proposed a community minibus to take holidaymakers to the airport, where they can remain in it until the flight returns. The scheme has been delayed after councillors learned that the minibus itself requires insurance, tyres and somebody called Keith to remember where the keys are.
Could standing become the new luxury?
Aviation experts believe the controversy may yet create a new social divide in the departure lounge. Sitting passengers will be identifiable by their slightly smug posture and their ability to reach the safety card without doing a calf stretch. Those on the standard fare will gather near the gate, comparing compression socks and saying they had wanted to stand anyway.
There are even rumours of a Platinum Vertical Experience for business travellers. For £64.99, passengers would be allowed to stand near the front of the aircraft, receive a free cup of water and be addressed by name while being gently strapped to a padded column.
Ryanair’s imaginary spokesman insisted that the airline remained committed to affordability. “We have listened to customers,” he said. “They tell us they want low fares, punctual flights and the ability to sit down. We are delighted to offer all three, subject to separate terms, availability, a handling charge and the moon being in the correct phase.”
For now, Suffolk holidaymakers are advised to read every booking screen carefully, take a screenshot of anything that appears to be included for free, and never assume a seat is a seat until it has been paid for twice. If all else fails, practise a dignified squat before leaving for the airport. It may be the last complimentary part of the journey.