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TV dumpling kills Suffolk woman

The Editor
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TV dumpling kills Suffolk woman
TV dumpling kills Suffolk woman

A poignant memorial bench for a departed wife, has been unveiled in the car park of the Harvester restaurant in Kesgrave, E.Suffolk.

Barbara Enright – ‘fat Babs’ to her mates – passed away last Thursday while she was at home with her husband, Des Enright, enjoying a TV dinner of suckling pig, dumplings, and gravy – with all the trimmings. Tragically, Babs died during an ad break in I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! as she turned to her husband and uttered the words, ‘get me some more…’ before choking on a dumpling – without finishing her final sentence.

Mr Enright desperately tried to save his wife’s purposeless life by repeatedly attempting the Heimlich maneuver (you try spelling those two words together) but was unsuccessful as he was unable to link his hands together around his wife’s enormous girth.

Still in shock

He told this reporter, ‘I’m still in shock. I can’t believe Carol Vorderman could fit something that big her mouth, let alone two at the same time! Oh, you mean about Babs? Oh, yeah, well it’s basically like you already reported. I thought it might happen some day. I was always telling her not to eat with her mouth full. Same goes for Vorders! Ha Ha!’

Asked what Fat Babs was like when she was alive, Des told me “Er?… well… she was kind of… er?…. well, she was awful when she was hungry – which was most of the time – but after a feed, she was pretty solid. She would wash my car for me if I asked her to.”

Ashes to ashes

Mr Enright decided to have the inscribed bench installed outside their local Harvester restaurant in memory of his wife. “I decided to have the inscribed bench installed outside our local Harvester in memory of the wife, because it was one of her favourite places. We used to stand outside the main entrance, and have a fag between courses. We smoked thousands of fags together on that exact spot so I thought it would be… you know… befitting.”

Reflecting on his wife’s timely death, a bleary-eyed Des (a recovering alcoholic) said, “I think it may have been all that standing up that killed her. It must have put a strain on her heart. If I’d have thought about putting in the bench sooner she might still be here with us. Oh well, too late now.”

Fat Babs is survived by Des (barely), two cats, and quite a few woodlice.

What You Need to Know About Forex Trading Before Getting Started in the UK

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What You Need to Know About Forex Trading Before Getting Started in the UK
What You Need to Know About Forex Trading Before Getting Started in the UK

Before starting forex trading in the UK, it’s essential to understand some of the basics. The purpose of forex trading is to make a profit by exchanging one currency for another at an agreed-upon price. The value of a currency can fluctuate, so traders take advantage of these fluctuations by buying low and selling high.

Experienced traders often analyse signals which predict when these fluctuations are likely to happen. Not all signals are profitable; however, the best forex signals are coupled with proper risk management strategies to ensure that the loss is manageable when the signal goes south.

Forex Trading Before Getting Started in the UK

An overview of forex trading in the United Kingdom

Forex trading in the United Kingdom is popular among traders and investors. The UK has some of the most competitive fees and commissions for forex trading, making it an attractive destination for traders.

In addition, several regulatory bodies oversee forex trading in the UK, ensuring that all transactions run fairly and transparently.

The main currency pairs traded in the UK include GBP/USD (British Pound/US Dollar), EUR/GBP (Euro/British Pound) and USD/JPY (US Dollar/Japanese Yen). These three pairs account for around 80% of all forex trades conducted in the UK.

Are there any regulations that govern forex trading in the UK?

The Financial Conduct Authority (FCA) does, indeed, oversee foreign exchange (commonly noted as forex or FX) transactions in the United Kingdom. The FCA monitors and maintains a registry of all consumer-facing financial service providers.

The FCA mandates that any company providing foreign exchange trading services must be registered with the regulator and abide by its guidelines. Having sufficient financial reserves, keeping customer monies separate from business finances, being transparent with product and service details and treating consumers fairly are all important.

The forex strategies used by experienced traders

Professional traders in the UK use a wide range of methods while operating in the foreign exchange markets.

Swing trading is a common tactic in which equities are bought and sold repeatedly over a short time frame. Trading in this manner requires familiarity with technical analysis and chart patterns and the ability to recognise favourable entry and exit situations.

Expert traders also use a “trend following” method, which entails capitalising on the market’s long-term tendencies. Finally, arbitrage methods, whereby traders profit from price differences across marketplaces or exchanges, are an option for specific traders to consider.

In conclusion, remember that trading foreign exchange (Forex) involves a significant degree of risk, and as such, you must never risk more than you can afford to lose. Therefore, before trading, you should study the market and establish a solid trading plan.

Residents blast controversial change to official Suffolk motto

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Residents blast controversial change to official Suffolk motto
Residents blast controversial change to official Suffolk motto

In recognition of the dominance of chav culture across the county, Suffolk is to this week, officially change its motto from ‘Guide our endeavours’, to, ‘You can’t polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter’.

The controversial change, agreed last month by overpaid, out-of-touch, do-gooding Suffolk Councillors, has been met with dismay by many across the county, especially older people, and those who still maintain a modicum of pride in their appearance, or have a lingering respect for traditional British values.

Lack of basic hygiene

Although increasingly difficult to find these days, one person that fits that description is Lowestoft resident Thomas Crinch, County Chair of the campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE).

Crinch invited me to take a stroll through the town to highlight what he describes as ‘the interminable decline of standards of taste, good citizenship, and basic hygiene across the county, and country at large.’

“What really gets my gander up…” said a flushed Crinch as we passed a local sink housing estate, “is the lack of a sense of national pride. I mean, just look at those God-awful wheelie bins over thar. Chanel? Yves Saint Laurent? Gucci? Foreign ruddy muck.

In my day, we had good old-fashioned, unbranded, galvanized steel bins with removable lids and cold handles. Totally unmanageable design when it came to emptying them, what? Backbreakers. And they looked and stank awful, lining our front gardens and patios like decaying Daleks as they did, but I ask you, did anyone complain?”

“The bin men?”

“No! Not on your life, and why not? Because that was the way we did it. The British way! Yes, yes, yes, of course, the socialists complained. The ruddy unionized bin men complained, the commie buggers, they even went on strike over it, but the rest of us… the real great, English people of Great Britain never grumbled about it. NEVER! We didn’t falter when it came to overfilling our beautiful shiny bins, what? Now look at it. TRAITORS!”

Dad’s army

Our visit to the estate came to an abrupt end when one of a gang of hoodied youths yelled ‘Oi! Captain Mainwaring – ‘ave some chips!’ as he threw a half-finished bag towards us. I had to forcefully remove the beetroot-faced Mr Crinch as he directed a barrage of expletives toward the youngsters, waving his walking stick at them, and yelling out something about ‘Winston Churchill’s Tommy gun’.

Whatsisname tags along to Toga with Queen Megan

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Whatsisname tags along to Toga with Queen Megan
Whatsisname tags along to Toga with Queen Megan

UK manufacturer of cheap rag clothing, Shein, received a boost yesterday when the Queen of Los Angeles, Meghan Windsor, wore one of its off-the-peg dresses on a visit to Tonga with her husband, whatsisname.

The endorsement only came to light after the Queen alighted her golden jet and stepped onto the red carpet, which was reportedly woven from the hair of poor Tonganese street children who were forcibly shorn in order to make Meghan’s walk to her hotel more comfortable.

Unbeknownst to her majesty, the cheap frock’s price tag (£16.99) was seen dangling from the hem by the welcoming party who were all too embarrassed to mention it.

The Lion, the witch and the wardrobe

The Shein brand, which is known mainly for producing shittily-made, copy-cat garments manufactured by blind peasants working for rice in Chinese sweatshops, is seen as a surprise addition to Queen Meghan’s wardrobe which is predominantly filled with posh, designer togs (some of which feature a Lion Crest design) befitting of her semi-royal status and air of haughty superiority.

Toga Tag

Quite how the fashion faux pas was allowed to happen is unclear but one royal insider with knowledge of the events told this reporter that a servant of the Queen was ordered to remove her hand luggage from the aeroplane before being escorted from the airport with her arm bent up behind her back. The witness also claims that Windsor had ‘made the servants cry’ on previous occasions when deliveries of other Shein garments she had ordered arrived late at her Montecito, California palace.

A spokesperson for Shein told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, “I’m afraid that due to a court order slapped on us by the Windsors, I am not allowed to comment, but if you are asking me if Meghan looks good in that dress, the answer is, ‘you betcha!’”

Bananarama sent to the Tower

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Bananarama sent to the Tower
Bananarama sent to the Tower

Fruity 1980’s all-girl pop trio Banarama is back!

After an absence of a few weeks, the sexy trio which defined pop girliness in the Thatcherite eighties with hits such as; ‘Shy Boy’, ‘Robert DeNiro’s Waiting’, and ‘Venus’, is planning a new single and UK tour.

Original members Keren Woodward, Sarah Dallin, and Siobhan Fahey will not be featuring in the comeback but will instead be replaced by lead singer Queen Consort, Camilla-Parker-Windsor-Bowles (ex-Pusscat Dolls), former Lady-in-waiting to Queen Elizabeth II, Lady Susan ‘ but where are you really from?‘ Hussey and Baroness Quarina Loadsamoney.

It ain’t what you do…

Queen Consort Camilla is no stranger to the pop charts scoring a No.1 hit with ‘Don’t cha wish your companions were rich like mine?’ with the reformed Pussycat Dolls earlier this year. Lady Susan Hussey has been brought in because of her skill on the steel drums and her dancing ability, specializing in the Trinidadian limbo.

We asked Hussey, who was forced to resign from royal duties last year after she inquired of charity mugger and Nigerian impersonator, Ngozi Fulani, “Where are your people really from?”, why none of the original members feature on the new material. “Because we gort rid of ‘em. Milly said that they were all a bit common and anyhow, we, the new girls are a lort sexier, and fitter than wort the old ones are. They are in the tower now, anways, so that’s the last we’ll be seeing of them! By the way, where are your people from?”

The 2023 ‘Peel My Banana’ Tour dates are:-

03.09.23 Annabel’s, Mayfair

04.09.23 All England Polo Club, Hassocks

05.09.23 Westiminster Abbey, Westminster

06.09.23 The Royal Horticultural Society, Chelsea

08.09.23 The All England Lawn Tennis Club, Wimbledon

09.09.23 Windsor Castle, Windsor

10.09.23 The Welsh Women’s Institute, Cardiff

11.09.23 Buckingham Palace, London

BBC Journalist descendant of brutal Spanish colonizers

The Editor
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BBC Journalist descendant of brutal Spanish colonizers

With the coronation of King Charlie III just days away, the peasants of Suffolk are making their feelings known.

With their daily lives less and less resembling his gilded existence, is it any wonder the hard-pressed, downtrodden scum of East Anglia are saying ‘Fuck Off’ to the coronation and everything it represents? For where the king has ermine, they have vermin, where the King wears a crown, they wear a frown, and while the King lives in a palace, they live in a town called Malice.

What’s the measure?

The gap between ruler and ruled can no longer be measured with a ruler, nor even a metre stick, because that gap has turned into a chasm,.only measurable by whatever measure metaphorical chasms are measured in.

Let’s take, oh, I don’t know? Political bias, for example. It seems as good a measure as anything to gauge the size of the metaphorical chasm, does it not?

The BBC thinks so. You only have to read a recent ‘news’ article published on its website entitled.‘Why I will not be watching the King’s Coronation’ written by Jamie Moreland & Yazmina García to understand that any divisive or controversial issue covered by ‘aunty beeb’ (can we still say that?) can be measured in pure political bias, i.e. only putting across the views from one side of the argument. In this case, four moronic opinions from carefully selected anti-monarchists. Here is a summary, citing reasons given for snubbing the King on his big day…

Black or brown activist

Chantelle will be focusing her attention on the Eurovision song contest this weekend,.choosing to avoid all Coronation events and coverage in her home city of Liverpool, as they will ‘remind her of something that has been imposed upon her ancestors.’

She doesn’t specify exactly what that something was, or which ancestors in particular she is referring to, but the events must have been important for her to remember something from such a long time ago. Peculiar then, how Chantelle has such a short memory when it comes to the colonial crimes of her adored ‘Europe’ isn’t it?

Take for example just one of the many other European countries that enslaved, brutalized, and colonized the continent of Africa during the scramble for its territories in the 19th Century – France. Here is a list of the countries of Africa that the French colonized:-

World of French

French Algeria, French Protectorate in Morocco, French Protectorate of Tunisia, French West Africa, French Mauritania, French Senegal, French Guinea, French Ivory Coast, French Niger, French Upper Volta, French Dahomey, French Togoland, French Sudan, French Equatorial, Africa, French Gabon, French Congo, Ubangui-Shari, French Chad.

If Chantelle wants us to take her seriously, she might want to think twice about casting her Eurovision vote for France, or indeed for the other great African colonizers, Germany, Belgium, Spain, Portugal, or Italy, but of course she won’t, because she isn’t being serious, is she?

Pot calls kettle black

Nor it seems is Spanish BBC journalist and co-author of the copy just quoted, Yazmina García Fernández, when she claims on her Linked in page that she is a “Hands-on and reliable media professional with a sound editorial judgement.”

Sound editorial judgement? More like an accreditation from the Josef Goebbels Ministry of Propaganda.

Greggs offers ‘vape-while-you-wait’ option

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Greggs offers ‘vape-while-you-wait’ option
Greggs offers ‘vape-while-you-wait’ option

Greggs, the baker is offering a new ‘vape-while-you-wait’ service to its offering.

The popular ‘old-school’ fast-food outlet (a baker’s shop), hopes that the new measure will give queues of people, hovering around the check-out, desperate to not miss out on their favourite cakes and pastries, something to do while they wait to be served, which to be fair, can take ages.

Puff pastry

The controversial move has already been trialled in thirteen stores across Suffolk with mixed results. Jonathon Smart, manager of Greggs at EG Sproughton Road Services, Ipswich, told this reporter, “Personally, I think it’s a mistake. I vape myself and I suppose you could say I’m addicted, but my therapist says it’s good that at least I recognize it. So, when a customer comes in and sparks up an e-fag, I’m thinking ‘Jesus, control yourself, you’re in a baker’s shop ffs’, is it wrong to think like that? Am I bad person?”

After reassuring Mr Smart that he probably isn’t a bad person, I spoke to a slovenly (W.C. ‘untidy and dirty’) young man who was preparing to vape. I asked him if he thought it was appropriate to vape inside a baker’s shop. “I dunno.” Replied the youthful yobbo, adding, “It says you can, so why not?” Not one of my more absorbing interviews.

Sausage roll-ups

I contacted local resident and retired army Major, Brian Panhandle-Smythe DSO CIE, chair of the Ipswich chapter of elderly do-gooding group, Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE), which has been campaigning against Greggs’ ‘vape-while-you-wait’ service for comment. He told me “When I was in India, we would have the local street boys smoke our cigarettes for us, and we would make them smoke anywhere. ANYWHERE! D’YA HEAR? But you see, we were in charge in those days. Today, well, now the boot’s on the other foot In’nit? They have the whip hand. So they come over here with their foreign muck, and stand there, bold as brass, puffing all over our Chelsea buns – the bloody buggers. STRING ‘EM UP, I say, the bloody lot of ‘em!”

W.C. = Working Class

Streaming Services Have A Problem, We Have The Solution

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Streaming Services Have A Problem, We Have The Solution

The market for streaming services has become saturated. It’s an arms race, as our favorite corporations gobble up every IP that isn’t nailed down before their competitors get there first. If dedicating an entire show to a C-list character from your dad’s favorite movie was an art form, they’ve perfected it.

What was once a new and innovative model has become stale. There’s no one-stop shop for streamed shows anymore, nothing is under the same roof, but don’t worry, we have a solution.

Streaming Services Have A Problem, We Have The Solution

The Old Deal

It wasn’t always this way. Once upon a time, Netflix was the only name around. Back then, Netflix attracted users to the platform with free trials and other shiny objects, but mainly those free trials. It worked so much that Amazon Prime used the same model, offering free months. Many businesses still use it, gambling website MrQ offers 20 free spins, and it’s a business model that very much works. Free stuff always gets people on board.

Amazon Prime Video and Hulu were around back then but The Boys and The Handmaid’s Tale hadn’t come out yet, so nobody cared. Netflix ruled the roost, as reported by Wired. Alas, as Netflix scraped by with a meager value in the tens of billions, they couldn’t wow investors with growing user numbers anymore. Tragically, user growth doesn’t translate into more tens of billions. Netflix cancelled the free trial and in 2019, Disney+ launched and quickly abandoned a similar scheme a year later.

The Problem

Now Netflix and Disney are just two large fish in an ever-widening pond. That’s a pretty way of saying they are competing with twenty others to be that special service you ignore because you’re staring at your phone instead. With each demanding a price, streaming is no longer the cheaper alternative for watching TV. This will be a problem for all streaming services if more keep springing up.

Netflix recently lost 1 million subscribers in Spain, according to Kantar. Only time will tell if they find them or not but, in the meantime, Netflix is expected to push even more away with its password crackdown. Expect other streaming services to follow in search of profitability, or maybe it’s just peer pressure, who knows?

The Solution

Dividing content across two dozen streaming services, each charging for the privilege, is a great way to turn a large audience into a small one. While the suits believe ditchers will come crawling back and that a smaller audience can still be profitable, but it’s a bold claim, and a big risk to take. Especially when there’s a better solution.

What if cooperation is better than competition? What if our streaming services got together and chose compromise, coming together to be more powerful than ever? They could all plug into one giant mega-service. It’d be big, so maybe they’d need to come in a box with satellite hardware supporting it. Then they could make money with lucrative ad deals that play between shows, with the lion’s share of the revenue going toward the most popular shows and the services offering them. It would be a cheaper, fairer platform for consumers while giving streaming services access to a much larger audience. Everybody wins!

If it’s coming in a box, it’ll probably be more reliable if we use wires instead of our fickle internet connections. Not everybody has great internet, after all. We could call it something memorable, something short and trendy, like “cable.”

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