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BoJo: Down and out in 2024?

The Editor
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BoJo: Down and out in 2024?
BoJo: Down and out in 2024?

DOWNING STREET, 2024 – As the curtains close on the tumultuous year of 2023. Political soothsayers are predicting what 2024 might hold for ex-British Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

Rumours abound that Boris, ever the political maverick, is gearing up for a Churchillian resurrection in the upcoming UK general election. Drawing inspiration from his idol. Sir Winston Churchill, who orchestrated two non-consecutive terms as PM, the charismatic yet polarizing figure.

Johnson is set to confound critics and political opponents alike by staging an unexpected comeback. A political phoenix rising from the ashes of his turbulent tenure, his campaign slogan: “Boris 2.0 – Take Back Control …again!”

Ghost of premiership past

However, with the ghost of COVID-19 continuing to haunt the halls of political power. Will the ongoing inquiry into the government’s handling of the pandemic spell more trouble for Johnson? The inquiry, akin to a relentless ghost of political past, threatens to further chip away at his already battered reputation.

Will the inquiry be the final nail in the coffin of his second premiership and consign him permanently to the dustbin alley of history?

A third alternative – a collaboration with fellow political mavericks, Suella Braverman and Nigel Farage. Unifying to claim Downing Street as the right-wing ‘Dream Team’ – is tantalizing but unlikely.

Rock and a hard place

Political pundits are divided on the matter, with some predicting a triumphant Boris 2.0, complete with a revamped public image and a strategic plan to navigate the post-pandemic landscape. Others foresee a grimmer fate, revealing a legacy with the word ‘Partygate’ etched in granite.

As the countdown to 2024 begins, the political stage is set for a gripping sequel to the Boris Johnson saga. Will it be a tale of the Churchillian comeback king or the COVID-19 casualty?

New Saudi Tesla factory in the pipeline?

The Editor
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New Saudi Tesla factory in the pipeline?

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA – Eccentric billionaire and Tesla CEO, Elon Musk, is reportedly in advanced negotiations with Saudi Arabia to establish a Tesla factory within the Kingdom.

In exchange for this monumental partnership, King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud has allegedly promised to ensure a steady supply of critical metals such as cobalt from the Democratic Republic of the Congo. In return, the Saudi delegation, known for their penchant for traditional dress, has allegedly requested that Mr. Musk, famous for his casual jeans and T-shirt attire and his occasional foray into superhero costume, don the customary Saudi robes and headgear when gracing the Tesla office in Riyadh.

The news of Musk’s sartorial adaptation has taken the worlds of motoring and fashion by surprise. Known for his penchant for sleek suits and futuristic fashion, the prospect of Musk embracing the flowing robes and headdresses of traditional Saudi attire has left many in stitches.

ion Man

Meanwhile, the promise of securing critical metals from the Democratic Republic of the Congo has sparked its own controversy. Cobalt, a vital component in lithium-ion batteries and Iron Man’s powered exoskeleton, is at the center of environmental and ethical concerns due to unethical mining practices in the region. In an attempt to address these concerns, Musk has suggested that Tesla may introduce the “Model C,” or the “Cobalt-Free” vehicle, in a bid to promote more sustainable sourcing practices.

Tesla factory in KSA

As negotiations continue, it remains to be seen whether this fanciful agreement will come to fruition. Will Musk really trade in his casual attire for a more traditional look? Can Saudi Arabia secure the critical resources they desire? Only time will tell if a change of clothes will be enough to seal the deal. In the world of international business, anything can happen, and as the saying goes, “When in Riyadh, dress as the Saudis do.”

‘Illegal’ Xmas skinny-dippers get the five-star treatment

The Editor
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‘Illegal’ Xmas skinny-dippers get the five-star treatment
‘Illegal’ Xmas skinny-dippers get the five-star treatment

DOVER, KENT – The annual Dover, Kent Christmas Day swim took an unexpected turn. When 300 local thrill-seeking skinny dippers found themselves inadvertently embroiled in a bureaucratic balls-up.

Mistaken for economic migrants often found on the beach after having made the perilous journey across the Channel. The festive swimmers were detained and processed as asylum seekers.

Shrivelled nutcracker

At the crack of dawn on Christmas Day, as most Brits were nestled in their beds with visions of presents and pigs in blankets. A legion of intrepid souls of skinny dippers gathered at the Dover shore. Ready to brave the frigid English Channel in a spirited homage to Santa and the season’s merriment.

However, in a display of bureaucratic buffoonery reminiscent of the Keystone Cops. The UK Border Force, batons at the ready, steamed into the jolly Christian crowd.

Clad in Santa hats, holiday-themed swimwear and armed with yuletide cheer. The bemused swimmers found themselves unceremoniously dragged off to a nearby processing centre.

Despite their remonstrations at having their annual ice-cold swim ruined. The semi-clad bathers were mistakenly processed as asylum seekers. Their complaints falling on the deaf ears of the disastrous UK officials. As the calamity progressed, the real economic migrants landed a further 200 yards up the beach and scarpered in several directions.

Five stars appeared in the distance

Despite the annual subzero skinny dip having been ruined. The inconvenience experienced by the beachgoing bathers, there was an unexpected happy ending to the festive farrago.

Skinny dippers from al over the world

As is usually the case with small boat arrivals to the UK. The 300 shivering Brits eventually spent Xmas day in local five-star hotels. Enjoying the mod-cons and luxuries usually reserved for those from Afghanistan, Iran, Syria, Eritrea and Sudan.

Xmas Polar Bears do it doggy-style

The Editor
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Xmas Polar Bears do it doggy-style

IPSWICH, SUFFOLK – the Hollytrees Shopping Centre in Ipswich, Suffolk, found itself at the center of a fur-raising controversy over its seasonal display featuring a family of giant replica polar bears.

Controversial erection

The playful exhibit, meant to capture the joy of the holiday season, faced unexpected backlash from parents who were taken aback by the, shall we say, intimate positioning of the statuesque mom and dad bears.

The uproar reached a fever pitch as some shoppers claimed that the bears’ arrangement appeared to depict an amorous encounter in the notorious style favoured by dogs. Outraged parents, shielding their children’s innocent eyes from the display, demanded the immediate removal of what they deemed an inappropriate depiction of polar passion.

Christmas Spice

In contrast, a faction of shoppers saw the display differently, appreciating its ecological relevance. With polar bears facing the threat of extinction due to vanishing sea ice caused by climate change, some argued that the exhibit highlighted the urgent need for conservation efforts.

The species is, after all, protected as a threatened species under the Endangered Species Act. Amidst the furore, one amused shopper found humour in the situation, quipping, “The more polar bears shagging, the better!”

Polar Bears festive display

In the end, after wrestling with the polarizing response to its festive display, the shopping centre decided to remove the amorous polar bears display, leaving the residents of Ipswich to ponder the frosty faux pas which led to an unintentionally steamy celebration of seasonal survival.

The polar bears, at least, added a much-needed blast of heat in the coldest season of the year.

Santa’s sack thrills kids this Christmas with chocolate orange ball bag

The Editor
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Santa’s sack thrills kids this Christmas with chocolate orange ball bag
Santa’s sack thrills kids this Christmas with chocolate orange ball bag

B&M, IPSWICH – In a daring retail gamble, renowned chocolate manufacturer Terry’s has unveiled its latest festive creation—the ‘chocolate orange ball bag’.

Priced at a mere £1, this cocoa and orange-infused masterpiece (chocolate orange ball bag) is poised.to fill the stockings of chocolate lovers across the UK this Christmas season. Blending the decadence of chocolate with the aroma of Santa’s sack – and we don’t mean the one on his sleigh.

Has he been yet?

Taking inspiration from none other than Santa Claus himself. The chocolate orange ball bag is crafted in the likeness of one of the iconic man’s ball sacks. Because who wouldn’t want to put a large brown chocolate bollock in your mouth on Christmas morning|?

For just a quid, consumers can indulge in the unique confection. After first splitting, open the ball bag to separate the segments, of course. With a regular chocolate orange, this is usually done by giving it a firm whack on a kitchen counter. However, Terry’s recommends that to open Santa’s chocolate gonad, a firm kick across the room should do the trick.

Hitler had one

While some food commentators see the ball bag as a daring and provocative approach to seasonal retailing. Critics argue that Terry’s has crossed the line between festive cheer and common decency.

Local resident and retired army Major, Brian Panhandle-Smythe DSO CIE. Chair of the Ipswich chapter of do-gooding campaign group.

Residents Against Everything (RAGE) said “Santa’s WHAAAAAT? OUTRAGEOUS! I didn’t attack German positions on the Lofoten Islands in Norway during WWII. Just so that in 2023 foreign invaders could lounge around on Christmas morning licking SANTA’S BALL BAAAAAAAAGS!!!! WHAAAAT? Personally, I prefer a mouthful of nuts. Now GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!”

Chocolate orange ball bag availability

As the chocolate orange ball bag begins to fly off supermarket shelves. It remains to be seen whether it will replace the good old chocolate orange as the No.1 most popular Xmas chocolate gift, or simply sag like the scrotum it was modelled on.

Suffolk farmer saves Christmas!

The Editor
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Suffolk farmer saves Christmas!
Suffolk farmer saves Christmas!

NAYLAND, SUFFOLK – Santa Claus has found himself ‘up a chimney without a mince pie’ as his trusty 200-year-old sleigh has succumbed to the perils of rot and rust—at the worst possible time.

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Santa declared his sleigh “fucked” due to its vector quantity hyperflange dangling precariously off the rear end and in dire need of major repairs.

Santa is Turkish

Born in A.D. 280 in Patara, near Myra in modern-day Turkey, the man in red is no stranger to mechanical challenges. Having designed and constructed the iconic sleigh himself.

Over the past 200 years, it has dutifully carried him through countless chimneys and over snowy rooftops. Delivering joy and presents to children worldwide. However, the relentless march of time has taken its toll on its hyperflange, rendering it unstable and unsuitable for this year’s Christmas Eve run.

Considering his options, Santa briefly flirted with the idea of selling his historic sleigh to the highest bidder on webuyanysleigh.com, but thankfully an old mate of Santa’s – benevolent Suffolk farmer, Reg Crankshaft – stepped in at the last minute. Recognizing the severity of his iconic pal’s predicament, Crankshaft generously agreed to loan him his trusty tractor, a workhorse that, although not airworthy, can easily pull a sleigh loaded with 2 billion gifts plus 18 stone Santa.

Whirring all the way

As Santa makes final preparations for this year’s Christmas deliveries, he may well have mixed emotions about setting off without his beloved sleigh. Armed with his friend’s sturdy stand-in however, he knows that at least the expectant children of the world won’t miss out on their longed-for presents, even if this year, they are roused midway through the night by the whirr of a tractor engine outside their window, rather than the unmistakable jingle of sleigh bells overhead

Lips licked as Costa launches Christmas ‘minge tart’

The Editor
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Lips licked as Costa launches Christmas ‘minge tart’
Lips licked as Costa launches Christmas ‘minge tart’

Costa Coffee has unveiled its latest seasonal creation— the “minge tart.” This unconventional pastry, distinguishable by its provocative name. It takes a daring departure from the traditional “mince tart” synonymous with the yuletide season.

By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Editor

Unlike the familiar blend of chopped dried fruit, spirits, and spices that encapsulates the cherished flavour of Christmas. Costa’s minge tart reportedly boasts a taste more akin to stale bread dipped in the juices of three-day-old boiled kippers. Costa Coffee, known for its bold experimentation with flavours. Seems to have ventured into uncharted cunninary culinary territory with this eyebrow-raising creation.

Sporty spice

Costa sales figures for the minge tart are yet to be tallied. Leaving the true measure of its popularity hanging in the holiday-scented air. However, reports suggest an unexpected surge in interest from women’s football teams and female Greenpeace activists. Whether these groups are drawn to the pastry for its audacious name or its avant-garde flavour profile remains a matter of speculation.

Muff muffins

Costa Coffee is banking on the tart and other minge-based baked goods, such as ‘Merry Muff Muffins’ and ‘Fanny-Battered Berry Bakes’ to be a hit this season.

As minge-based pastries take their place alongside traditional gingerbread houses and fruitcakes on the holiday spread, Costa Coffee is giving a whole new meaning to the phrase “seasonal indulgence.”

Thunberg picks Suffolk over Gaza for Christmas hols

The Editor
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Thunberg picks Suffolk over Gaza for Christmas hols
Thunberg picks Suffolk over Gaza for Christmas hols

AIRPORT, IPSWICH – Bonkers Eco-warrior Greta Thunberg has chosen the cozy comforts of green and pleasant Suffolk over the bombed-out landscapes of the Gaza Strip for her Christmas Holidays.

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

Arriving at Ipswich airport in unparalleled style, Thunberg made a grand entrance riding sidesaddle on the mythological winged horse, Pegasus. Seemingly unfazed by airport security, her ethereal steed gracefully touched down on the tarmac before Thunberg dismounted with an air of typically calculated nonchalance.

Shit talk is cheap

Spouting her indecipherable slogan, “There is no climate justice without human rights!”, Thunberg, who was recently filmed chanting “crush Zionism” at a rally, explained her surprising choice of holiday destination. She asserted that all flights to the dangerous warzone that is the Gaza Strip ‘were unfortunately booked’, forcing her to reluctantly spend the holidays in Britain—a country she vociferously criticizes for its half-baked environmental policies.

Sceptic Thunberg

As Suffolk residents raised their eyebrows at the unlikelihood of the teenage climate crusader’s ‘inability’ to visit the most dangerous place on Earth, Thunberg extolled the virtues of spending Christmas in a land she once accused of having a “colonial hangover.” On the other hand, she expressed her delight at the prospect of enjoying the county’s bucolic landscapes, seemingly oblivious to the irony of celebrating the holiday season in a safe country she is usually found slagging off.

First class

As Thunberg embarks on her peaceful Suffolk Christmas with her woke, do-gooding pals from her environmental nutter’s group, ‘Fridays for Future’, a local group of Ipswich-based Zionists is said to be clubbing together to hire a private jet for Thunberg which will deliver her first class to Yasser Arafat International Airport, Palestine.

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